I don't know whether I am making more out of my feelings than the effect of our divorce would dictate. But, I am having a terrible time today, feeling the extreme loss of family values and completeness for my boys' sake. I care nothing about the difficulty and feelings that I am having for myself. I have had my childhood. But I feel so sad for my boys. They will never again be able to have both of their parents sitting at the dinner table for a meal. They will never again have both of their parents watching them as they open their gifts at Christmas.

I don't know. Maybe this whole thing will bring back the realization that we must truly be thankful for what we have. Maybe the meaning of these Holidays will become more apparent, having been lost in a life of complacency and self indulgence.

I just feel horrible for my boys. I really don't think that it is the sorrow for the loss that I feel for myself. But the loss of knowing how family should be and represent is killing me. My wife never had a father to speak of, therefor I don't think that the abscence of one for her children is that concerning. I know that I can't have the boys each and every day, as much as I desire this. They need to see their mother as well. I know that I must stay strong and show them the love that a daddy has for his children, so that when they become fathers, they will understand that they must show it at all times.

I may be making more out of this than my boys will. But that is only because they will never understand just what has been taken away from them. My oldest boy might feel it, but I doubt if my youngest boy will. They will grow up thinking that everyone lives in two houses. That everyone only sees their parents half the time. That there is no reason to believe your vows, because not even my parents could live by them.

Oh, just feeling bad I guess. I will have my boys tomorrow afternoon and evening. But it just isn't the same. Not at all. For them or for me.

<small>[ November 28, 2002, 06:14 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

I just wanted you to know that I read your words, and I feel your pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers through these Holiday times.

Lean on God, He knows your heart. And He too, loves your children.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> don't know whether I am making more out of my feelings than the effect of our divorce would dictate. But, I am having a terrible time today, feeling the extreme loss of family values and completeness for my boys' sake. I care nothing about the difficulty and feelings that I am having for myself. I have had my childhood. But I feel so sad for my boys. They will never again be able to have both of their parents sitting at the dinner table for a meal. They will never again have both of their parents watching them as they open their gifts at Christmas </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FC,
((HUGS)) This is a hard one,for me too.You want to give them what you had while growing up.And it's very sad,i grieve for my son.Having your sense of Family wripped away.Hang in there were here for you and it's going to get better..

FC, I know exactly how you are feling. My H had the nerve to want to come over and eat dnner with us. Like we should be thankful that he chose drugs and alcohol and OW over family values.

Not only that but the downward spiral of morals in the last several years has made it unbearable for my kids.

Your children will probably adjust, and you are right, it probably is affecting you more than them but still it is so sad to know what they are missing.

My children are older (youngest is 15) and they have had their father here every holiday (even if usually he was on some kind of drug) and they know what he chose to give up so it is devastating for them.

reading some old posts, I came across the one from last Thanksgiving. We had a GREAT day, H had no drugs or alcohol and all went smooth, not just smooth, but great. A wonderful, pull together and get it all done, no stress, no anger family holiday. Best holiday we have ever had in all the years we were married, such a difference from this year

H has never enjoyed any holiday as he grew up in such a dysfunctional home. Christmas was always especially hard for him, so when we had such a great time I thought we had turned the corner, but by christmas he had oxycontins again.

Just pray for your strength and for your kids to adjust. Wish you all the best. I will pray for ypou and your kids.

Dawn

FC, it seems like you are always there for others in pain, I am so sorry to feel the pain in this post. I know, I know. My daughters are all older than your boys, and I thank God that we have wonderful memories of holidays past for them to hold on to. But the absence of our usual holiday dinner together, with a table full of all kinds of food, the aroma of turkey roasting, trying to keep my husband away from the mincemeat pie he loves so much before the appropriate time, just the holiday "stuff" -- to quote the tin man..."now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking." Please know that you are not alone in your thoughts and heartache, but draw comfort from the fact that we can be thankful for our lives going forward and for the love our kids give us...we really ARE the blessed ones...someday our hearts will feel that.
God Bless You and Your Boys.

Thanks

I am not worried about what happens to me. I have had my life and can take what it has in store for me with my chin up and shoulders back. But my boys are at the mercy of life at this time. They are at the mercy of parents who want what is best for them, but have no idea how to give that to them or are too selfish to sacrifice their own immediate diesires for them.

Thank you all.

I love my boys.
I love my boys.
I love my boys.
I love my boys.
I love my boys.
I loved my family so much....

Formerly Confused, my heart goes out to you. This year I face an Xmas of trigger dates and have our 3 girls spend the Xmas Eve/Day with me and Boxing Day/Day after with W and OM2.

They broke their hearts, tears flowed when they realised that W/Mum would not be with us on Xmas day.

What I am trying to do now is show them that their parents love them regardless of our situation as a couple, and that they will be having two xmas' really. I am also trying to ensure that my time is filled with friends and activities when they are away from me.

Much hugs, Neil.

FC,

I totally understand how you feel. My kids are in their teen years so they've got lots of good memories, but even so, this is NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! My heart breaks for them that they lost us as role models, that they now Really question the 'validity' and 'reason' of marriage, that their father is trying to convince them that 'in certain situations' it's okay to commit adultery. It's so wrong, and it stinks.

I also have to say that some of my regrets Are for me too; we will not be sitting side by side and taking pride in them at their grads, weddings (I hope!), or birth of our grandchildren. I had already dreamed so many dreams of us spoiling our grandkids together, taking them camping, etc.

I guess I was wondering if there is ever a 'better' time for this to happen to our children, but likely not really. Your kids are younger and therefore won't have as many memories and regrets, BUT as you said, they won't have the right, Godly image of what marriage is supposed to be, and Can be like. But, God knows everything you are going through and is WAY ahead of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He loves your boys even more than you do, and as long as you are committed to God and being a good father, THEY WILL THRIVE! You love them so much, and are being a wonderful role model, and the rest God will take care of. Keep up the good work, and take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow,

I am feeling the exact same pain. I can't believe my family is so torn apart...I can't believe the reality that is our family now.It makes me incredibly sad.

I think I have had an emotional breakdown because of all this mess this Thanksgiving. I have been so down in the dumps.

I grieve for my kids and I grieve for myself....but he doesn't see any of that. He is busy telling the kids how happy he is and that now they have two families....Yuck. It makes me sick.

I guess my kids will make it ok. They now have a warped sense of relationships and marriage. My little kids are shuttled between two homes and have to deal with his bimbo. He is also force feeding this bimbo on my two older girls whenever he gets the chance. It really is pathetic. And the saddest reality of all is there is nothing I can do about it.

My exH learned from Bill Clinton....if I act like everything is ok, people will eventually forget the horrendous things I have done and accept us----seems to be working for him.

Anyway, I definitely feel your pain. Pat

FormerlyConfused,

I understand the pain and frustration your feeling
having to do it all alone..with no help--

And know that your kids are JUST as confused as you are..maybe even more so, because they don't know ALL the details about why mommy and daddy
aren't together anymore..

And it effects your youngest son more than you realize..maybe not in terms of marriage and vows and such...but in other ways..

Have you considered getting them into counseling?
let them know you realize they may be struggling inside with things they don't fully understand..
and that you also understand they may not feel comfortable talking to you or their mom about it..
so you want to make sure they have someone they can talk to about things..an adult who they can confide in and help them work through anything they may be struggling with..

I did that with my kids during my seperation and divorce..the counselor they went to worked only with kids..and was able to teach them to put a name to their feelings...and how to talk about them..he had a beach ball with all kinds of feelings and emotions written on it, and they would toss it back and forth, and when they caught the ball they would have to give examples of times they felt those things..if it was something they didn't understand..he would give an
example of a time he felt that way..and why..so they could learn..I see how that has helped my kids..

When I picked my son up on Thanksgiving afternoon, he asked me if I would come back ans spend Christmas Eve at my wife's house. He said that I could sleep in the extra bedroom.

I tried to be gentle, and told him "No, it is not good for me or your mom." He then started crying and said that he "couldn't be without me". It just kills me to even type this. I told him that he would NEVER be without me. He said that he knew, but that he just couldn't have Christmas morning without me there with him. He said that his mother had told him it was OK. She had actually put this to me several months ago. Thinking that this whole divorce would just be one big happy deal. I told him that many things that we have had in the past wouldn't be the same, but that we would have the opportunity to start new and exciting ways to be together. That he and his brother would be with his mother this year for Christmas and with me next year.

He just cried and cried. He jumped up from the chair and grabbed around my neck and just wouldn't let go. He just cried and cried more and more. My other son started crying and we were a mess of crying men for about 30 minutes.

Oh how I hate this. If she could even for one second feel the pain that either of her children felt, then I would at least feel satisfied that she had been punsished somewhat. She says she feels pain and knows that it hurts, but that it is 'for the best'.

It took a while to settle down. When we finally all settled down, they asked me what we were going to do tonight? We usually always have some sort of thing planned to do, even if only charades or Chinese checkers. I told them that we would start making supper given that it was about 4 pm. They said they had just eaten. Well, that really threw a damper on me for a second. And truthfully, I was mad at the world. My wife for eating so late, even though she knew that I wanted to have supper with them. At my boys for not wanting to eat with me. And then at myself for being mad at everyone and not thinking about what the whole holiday was about anyway.

I really laid into myself for a while. haha, Had I been watching myself, I would probably thought I had lost my marbles. I started to realize that the whole idea of Thanksgiving Dinner is to have a focus of togetherness. Not the food, but to be together. The meal is SO good, so that people will have the impetus to get off their lazy tails, and make the trek to family and friends. The meal may have BECOME the focus, but it was NOT the real focus.

I had made cinnamon roll dough the night before and it had risen and was in the fridge. I asked my boys, "What about we just have cinnamon rolls for supper?" haha, They couldn't believe it. My boys are excellent eaters. Eating very healthy food. Actually to the point that my oldest boy is kind of skinny because he would rather eat vegetables than more calorie laden food. Good later in life, but I try to shove ice cream down his throat every night before bed, just to keep a bit of cushion under his hide. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, I roll out the dough, and my boys decide that not only do they want cinnamon in it, but they want cinnamon chips (ie chocolate chip type chips, only cinnamon) as well. Well, just so happens that Dear old dad had some in the pantry so we pour them on and roll them up. It was kind of funny watching them as I made the big 'jelly roll' type thing before cutting it. The had no idea how they got the shape they were, but really had no idea that it was in this manner.

We cut and baked them. They helped me make the frosting then we ate fresh, homemade cinnamon rolls ala the "Cinnabon recipe" I found online. They are excellent. We had enough to make two more pans that are currently in the freezer waiting to be baked.

Anyway, I realized something exceedingly important the other day. It is not what you usually do, but what you make of what you do. This is probably the first Thanksgiving ever in my 34 years that I did not have turkey of some sort. I do hope that it is the last. But maybe instead of pumpkin pie for desert, from now on, we will end our meal with hot cinnamon rolls.

Love to you all. I am doing much better. I pray that my boys will continue to do well. I know that this season is going to hurt, but I am a doctor, and I know that this will heal. I just wish I could fix it with my catheters and stents.

FM:

I'm probably a little farther along in this journey than you are, but I do feel that pain for our kids. My oldest daughter, who is 8, finally got the divorce thing this Thanksgiving, I think. She missed the Thanksgiving lunch with me and my family and she was so upset to realize this.

Apparently, my ex told her that she would be eating Thanksgiving dinner with us (when he knew my family got together at lunch)! Thank goodness, I had asked my family to come back the next night to see my girls! That pacified my daughter, but she is still upset about it.

She's my sensitive child an I didn't know what else to tell her except that this was part of what stunk about being divorced. It's hard to protect them from all this and unfortunately for mine, innocence is a thing of the past....

I'm sorry and despite the negative post, it DOES get alot better and you will find happiness again. Our kids are the REAL victims in all of this.

I have to add that no matter what the age of your children, the disolving of family holidays takes it toll. My 22 year old daughter spent the day with her boyfriend and his family and they had a nice time. But last night she sat with me in the kitchen and had tears in her eyes when she told me how much she missed the opportunity to be with the whole family as usual this year, even if only for part of the day. She missed our traditions, the food, the round table prayers we always did. When she told her dad this, his response was well, he had a GREAT Thanksgiving and her's couldn't have been THAT bad. What compassion. How I miss our lives.

Have you considered going over there early Christmas morning for when they open gifts?

or would you prefer not to do that? I mean, I do understand..because you don't want to give the kids false hopes of a reconcillation if there aren't any..

Or maybe you can get them Christmas eve..and open presents at your home with them then??

Or are you going to have them for a week during the holiday season and have them with you for News Years Eve and News Years Day?

My kids like being with me on News Year Eve..as we have traditions that we have kept without their dad being around for years..I make a sprite and grape juice punch for the kids or I buy a bottle of Sparkling Grape Juice..and we make a toast and say a prayer for the new year at midnight..it's something I've done with them since the oldest was little..(she's a teenager now) and so it's our tradition..so maybe you can begin making your own traditions when they are with you..

First of all...Hello Formely Confused, Hope you have had a nice, productive day.
I was just re-reading your post from last week before Thanksgiving...anticpating how the holiday would unfold for you and your boys....sorry your expectations of having turkey were not to be....but I must tell you...my heart was warm by the time I got to the bottom of your post.....I gurantee you FC that those boys will remember the cinnamon roll baking incident much longer than if you had the traditional turkey dinner thing....it sounds like to me that allot of good things happened that evening....nothing "BIG" preplanned to entertain them with....just something out of the blue.....the cinnamon rolls.....lots of strong bonding between the three of you.....I think you had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving with those boys.....and Christmas...well...have you given any additional thought to your wife's invitation....is it still on the table...is it something that you could handle emotionally knowing that you are there primarily for your childrens' well being. I guess it is something to consider. I have been giving Christmas a thought or two myself...we would always travel to his parents house a few days earlier...they live in the eastern mountians of KY and it has always been such fun....visiting extended family. Well this will be the first Christmas in I believe 17 that I wont be there....and the boys have already ask me if I am going. It would be just to hard to be there. I dont have the emotional strength to do it...why do I want to put myself through the pain. They have made several trips already without me so I think they will be fine...the two smaller ones should be but now my oldest son may struggle... Plus, I would feel so "out of place" Yes, there are plenty of places I could stay other than my mother-in-laws home but I would still be in the same place as my H at some point in time...so....I will spend my Christmas at home watching all the old Christmas classics....and probably cry...

My H and I are not divorce but are separated. H was only with our sons one weekend day until I told him if he wanted to see what it would be like to be divorce he needed to have the boys every other weekend and one weekday night. Of course on his weekends he picks them up late Friday night and then returns them early Sunday morning. I took our sons out of state for Thanksgiving (H's family in Mi) a tradition trip our sons requested. I offer to let my H have the boys for Christmas and he is upset that I suggested he have them more than 3 days out of their 3 week break. He now wants them the whole week of Christmas. Our boys do not want to be with him on Christmas due to loyality towards me. I will be alone for Christmas and my first without my children. I just started Zoloft and I hope it kicks in before Christmas week. I can only hope that being without OW for that week might lift the fog. Rhonda

I have 3 sons.....ages....3 (will be 4 in May) 10 (will be 11 on Christmas Day) and 15 (will be 16 in May)and the two younger ones have been visiting thier father on a regular basis since he left our home over a year ago in Oct of 2001. When he first moved out it was to an apartment in the town he works in...about 17 miles from us....and then in July of this year, he moved in with OW....made me ill I must say because now when the two younger ones visit him...it is at thier house.....She is there ...makes me sick...and you know he has never explained who she is or what's she's doing there to them....well, the oldest son has only visited him I think 3 times for over night visits since he left....early on while he was still in apartment and flat refuses to go now that he has moved in with OW....so it will be interesting to see what happens at Christmas.....when H comes to pick them up for a visit to his parents home....at Thanksgiving my oldest son refused to go with him to grandparents home for holiday...so I dont know if oldest son will go for Christmas or not...I know he wont go to H's house but he might go to grandparents home....we will see....but H blames me for sons' attitude...for how he feels about him..it's sad...I do hope son goes to visit grandparents so they can be with him but I dont know if he will do it or not...doesnt want to spend 4 hours in a vehicle with H to get there...I have suggested he ride down with his aunt and uncle...maybe that will work better rather than going with his Dad....It is so sad how the children hurt.....that is what really breaks my heart....I can live without my H...he has proven himself unworthy of my love....not someone who can handle the kind of love and commitment I expect in a relationship...he is not what I need in my life so I am moving on....actually smiling alittle today....can feel myself coming back and it feels great.