When I read Formerly Confused's post about his children and the holidays, it seemed that it struck a chord with all of us who are trying to pick up the pieces from the broken homes created by separation and divorce.

I too am being faced with a ExH who wants what he wants when he wants it regarding the children, no matter what the children really need or want.

At this point, I am ok with the fact that we're no longer married, and in fact, I am personally better off.

However, the children are suffering!

They are suffering and ExH could not care less - he would rather continue to blame me for everything wrong concerning the kids, for his life not happening the way he wants it, for whatever.

I am learning to take control over my own life and make the changes that I can that do no involve ExH. But with 4 children. It is HARD!

And until we go to court, things will not be settled. And yes, we are in the process of going to court, and like some of the rest of you, will have to go through the evaluations and trial and all the rest of that mess.

And that is something that I was really hoping to avoid, but am just now accepting it as a fact.

I am tired of the continual pain inflicted by ExH and now it's not pain I'm feeling for me, but for the kids.

Having to work through this is hard, especially when ExH keeps saying that the kids are fine and that nothing is wrong, and yet I am the one who have to deal with their pain because ExH won't.

Just frustrated and angry today because of ExH's antics and wondering if standing up to him is all worth it, but knowing that deep down it is.

God's strength to us all. K

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

GIIC - You sound so in control of your emotions - that I envy you - You have come to realize that you are indeed better off without your exhusband - that is one thing that I need to come to terms with - I guess in someway I am lucky because my ex - would never think of taking the children from me - he actually thinks that everything he has done - to be happy - also has no effect on the children - You know in someways I think he may be right but in other ways I know that it will come out - For Thanksgiving he took them for an hour in the morning for breakfast - and they were fine with that - I on the other hand found it very sad that was all the time he chose to spend with them - Then for Christmas he was going to come over in the morning to watch them open presents - we were going to buy them together but he took it upon himself to want to have his own Christmas presents so I told him there was no reason for him to be there Christmas morning - because I for once was gonna be selfish - and you know he thinks of course that I have been selfish all along becuase I want my family and he doesn't ok - fine - someday soon - I hope to come to the realization that I don't care that he has gone - I know he is the one that is going to miss out - when he wakes up on Christmas morning and has nothing to do with his children - he is taking them overnight on the 23rd and bringing them home on the evening of the 24th - so hopefully all will go well - I just don't think these men or woman will ever be able to admit what they did - and how it has affected their family because they need to feel justified - and sadly in their minds they are... stay strong....

Once again your X and mine are speaking the same words GIIC. I am about to tell him for the LAST time, that I will not force the kids to go with him and the girlfriend at Christmas, and he told me that they feel like this because I have filled their heads...he also has his favourite word for describing the kids RESILIENT...well, sorry, but they may be, but they are suffering right now and it is because of him.

He disgusts me. HE is the adult, and yet he is acting like a spoiled child because he cannot get 'his' way over this. His own FAMILY have told him not to try this, but he will not listen.

He makes me so angry, but I cannot change him or what he thinks. So be it. My choice is to be the adult here, and protect my kids if they ask me to. And since they have asked me to NOT let them go with the girlfriend, I will comply.

Hugs, GIIC, I know how you feel.

Love and light,

Jacky

GIIC,

My exh fought for custody also..

I had the kids in counseling BEFORE we even went to court..so it wasn't court ordered..and we didn't need an evaluation..my ex knew I had them in counseling..because I told him I was taking them..(he didn't think they needed it either)but I knew they did, if I was having a hard time coping..how much more so were they?? and I went with that..

I explained that as their mother I felt it was in their best interest to go..to give them someone to talk to about how they felt..and his feelings nor mine mattered but it was best for them
to have a neutral party to talk to..where they felt safe expressing their feelings openly--

they didn't want to go at first..and then they wanted to go talk to my counselor..because they knew her, but I felt they would be better off having their own counselor to talk to..so I took them to someone who works only with children..

the counselor and I agree'd they should have time together, and seperately..so some weeks all three went in at once..and shared what they were feeling..so they all knew they were feeling the same types of things..and some weeks they went in seperately..to talk about invididual feelings..
and struggles..they haven't been in a few months now, but you know what..they thank me for making them go..

So maybe consider taking them on your own..find one who works with kids..who would be able to help them learn to express their feelings..

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

K.

It is so amazing how they justify it all. My stbx lit up the whole dang yard a nd probably spend thousands doing so just to show the world in a very visible and annoying way that he is a great dad...Yea right. Great dads leve their families. Great dads take their two year olds on a week long trip with another woman. Great dads don't understand or believe that their children cried for them while they were out all night with their mistresses. And vice versa. It is our problem. We must have somehow, to them, created this or they couldn[t possibly want to go out there and live a carefree existence where you just don't need to have a soul or a conscience. That's just needless extra baggage right? too much for them to handle. And we are awful because we HEAR them crying. We SEE them crying. And we don't turn a blind ear or eye to them. It must be nice living in so much bliss that you can't see the pain of the children you created. And I am not even mentioning me in that picture anymore. So now that my stbx, Deucey is with a "responsible woman and mother" that I should sleep well at night. I will never sleep well knowing that this woman is spending the night possibly and that my son is down the hall being forced to sleep in the same room with another poor little boy who doesn't know what is going on.

How on earth do these people carry on? How do they live with themselves? Must be powerful lies they are telling themselves as they look in the mirror every morning. If I had done this to someone else, ripped apart a family and marriage, I would probably be in the nut house or in a strait jacket. I can't comprehend the guilt or pain I would feel.

Now that Deucey is over with ms. monkey, I wonder if she is sorry or has guilt over nailing the lid on our coffin in the marriage.

K. Keep the faith. You will be the strong one. God is gonna deal with this man and it won't be pretty. Has the thing w/stripey nails found out about his new hanky panky yet? Just wondering. You guys are in my prayers always.

Jacky,nobody can force your kids to do anything. Stand firm with your kids on this issue. He and ms. clickety clack will be putting on a good show and the kids do not need to see that performance. He left them for her. That is the reality. He moved away to another continent for that woman. They fully know this. He has to learn to deal with truth and consequences.

If they ever face the truth then it will be a crushing blow. I am praying for my stbx. He is so lost. The ones we write about here are painfully lost. I can't hate him for that very reason. Almost like why you can't hate an insane person. They just do not know what they are doing. And our Lord said just something like that before he died for our shortcomings. So let's vent here, but pray nontheless. We can be so angry and frustrated here but remember to hate the sin that has consumed and destroyed their souls. I am trying to hard not to hate the sinner right now. That is my personal struggle.

((((((((((((((((((GIIC)))))))))))))))))))))))))

You have bben on my mind - I've been wondering how you have been. I know you are tired, aggravated and frustrated, but yes, IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I know you know it, but just need support to keep going.

I am amazed of the battles that have to be fought just to uphold what is right, just and fair.... that just doesn't seem fair !!! But, the situation is what it is, and I know you will do everything in your power to do what is right for the kids. God is watching over you and your kids.

D.

Ladies Thank you! Thank you!

This morning when I wrote this, I wasn't sure what kind of reply, if any, that I needed, but you all seemed to know exactly what to say.

I'm getting better at this. I can tell. I was able to calm down alot faster and think more rationally after exH pulled another one of his shinannigans this morning.

I am making sure that they get counseling and that ex pays for it even if he doesn't agree - I am definitely learning to stand up for myself and the kids and put my foot down on the important things.

Just taking it one day at a time, and at least I am now to a point emotionally where I can really focus on the emotional well being of the kids.

I never imagined that divorce had so much fallout. It has definitely made me a much more kind and sympathetic person, and I guess there is not much else to do except to keep working with the kids and praying that it will all turn out ok in the end.

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.......although sometimes I wish that I could flash forward a few years and bypass this all.

Well, put up the Christmas lights in the front of the house today and the boys were soooooo impressed that their mom did it all herself, so I guess things aren't all that bad.

Thanks again! K

GIIC,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, put up the Christmas lights in the front of the house today and the boys were soooooo impressed that their mom did it all herself, so I guess things aren't all that bad.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WOW, I'm impressed toooooooooo !!!!!! That seems overwhelming to me !

God Bless,

D.

Just checked in from a friend's computer to see how you were doing. No surprise, you are handling this like a champ, no matter how many low blows the ex and his - can't think of appropriate term - throw at you. What a classy lady you are.

We also have our lights up. That you managed to do yours all alone, with 4 little kids, impresses me no end. I think decorating the house at Christmas is underrated as far as its benefit. Every time you drive up the street and see the happy lights, it's a symbol of your love and protection for your kids. It's a symbol of the love inside your home and surrounding your family.

Dear GIIC,

Don't have much to say...except have been, am still there and struggling with it, and will probably be there in the future.

My ex is taking my kids to Maine for Christmas with his bimbo. It will kill me I know. He shows no remorse, no sorrow, no hurt. He also says the kids are upset because of things I have put in their heads....He continually tells me that the kids will be fine with this...and he keeps pushing her on them. Pretty sad. I don't know why they can't see the hurt and the pain all of us are going through.....it is really amazing how they make everything fit their rationalization. It is pretty sick.

My computer at home is dead...so am stealing a few minutes at work to see how everyone is doing. Take care....you and the kids will be in my prayers. Pat