I suppose the reason I'm posting here is I've not the willingness to share this info with friends or family and don't wish to be rejected due to my situation.<BR>I've been married for 15 years. I'm relatively happy, of course, I realize I create my own happiness, however he is a good husband and a wonderful father to our children. I've just always needed more and have recently sought out companionship online. Have met an absolutely wonderful man and have fallen in love with him. To make a long story short, he too, has fallen hard for me as well and the part that truly hurts the most is the fact that I do not wish to leave my husband, but having more than an EA, at this point, could and probably would destroy many lives. And yet, I hurt so deeply when I have no contact with this man. I've always been honest with my H until now, and it seems I'm lying more and more to cover up my need to have this OM in my life. I suppose most of you will say I want my cake and eat it too. And you'd be right, to a certain extent. However, I also know, I love both these men and don't wish to end either relationship. I've weighed all options and at this point in my life, I can't uproot my children and yet, my heart follows the OM wherever he journeys. He brings comfort to me when I'm down, and walks and talks me through my many thoughts. Anyway, sorry to ramble...hope to hear from someone with a similar story. Other comments are welcome as well.<P>------------------<BR>Love like you've never been hurt.

Your online friend is meeting some emotional needs that your H is not. You need to cease contact with him, tell your H what has been going on, and work with your H to strengthen things by showing him how he can best meet your needs.<P>It will be hard at first, bcs you WILL have strong feelings of withdrawal from the other man. But, not contacting him, and working with your H is essential,<P>Good luck---<P>Kathi

Kathy, my H does know and I did cease some contact with the OM for a short time. Withdrawals seem so mild in comparison to what we, I and the OM, experienced. My H and I have been working on all the issues and although I know he's sincere in his efforts, my attraction, affection and love for the OM are very strong and very deep.<BR>I know I'm strong enough to cease ALL contact with the OM, I just have no desire to do that. I had plans of meeting him, he doesn't live far from me, however, I also know, in the event of such a meeting, I may not come home. As I've said, I've weighed everything, and know the gain factor does not outweigh the loss factor. And even with all that said, I'm truly torn. My heart is broken and I'm living every day, again, as if the OM doesn't exist, and yet he's in my every thought. Contradictory I know, yet true. Thanks Kathy for your input.<P>

The wonderful thing about online romances is that it appears that both of you are being sincere and accepting of one another, warts and all. I married mine after being a widow for 6 years. Real life is not the same. All the understnding and acceptance on paper is not in existance in real life. Cling to what is good and real in your world. You deserve the best. Fight for it in your marriage.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited November 12, 2000).]

You should know that the majority of these online romances never amount to anything concrete. They are a fantasy. Reality is where your family is now. Your husband deserves the chance to meet your needs exclusively. If you don't share what your needs are with him then he will never be able to do that. You should start reading the priciples of Marriage Builders. Click on "Concepts". The book "His Needs/Her Needs" is also excellent in mapping out a road to a strong affair proof marriage. <P>I know that you must feel like you love this person. You don't really know him. I know that you must feel a tremendous amount of guilt. That is your conscience sending you a very important message. The best thing you could do for yourself, your husband and your children would be to end all contact with this other man. Block him from your email accounts etc.. and start working immediatley on rebuilding your relationship with your H. Yes, you will think of him often at first, but that fades with time. Give your husband the chance to fill your needs. Once things get back on track with your husband you will realize what a huge mistake having and emotional affair is.<P>cleo<p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited November 12, 2000).]

Emily -<P>Hi, Kathi (kam6318) asked me to come over and to post to you. Am I in a similar situation to you? Not exactly. . .You're lucky, you still have a chance to do the right thing. I, unfortunately, made the wrong choice. . .<P>What started out as an acquaintance/friendship led to an EA and then to a PA. Let me start, I guess, by just saying, that I never really went looking for an affair. It just happened. Sure, there must have been some problems in my own marriage that made me vulnerable to having an affair. But, bottom line, I think I had the affair because I had such low self-esteem. Someone thought I was beautiful when I really didn't feel that way. Someone thought I was smart and funny - when I felt like this emotional blob. Someone thought I was confident and successful - when really, I lacked self-confidence and felt like my life had no direction.<P>Anyway, I won't get into the nitty gritty of the affair, but here's a short synopsis. . .<P>Over a period of 3 months - Friendship with OM lead to an EA, which turned into a PA one night. (Mind you, the OM and I kissed all during the EA, but I never considered the EA a physical affair until we actually, well, yo know. I guess I was going along with the President's definition of a sexual relationship. . .Anyway). Immediately, after the affair went physical (seriously physical, lol) I felt cheap, dirty. All during the EA, I had lied - saying I was working late, I had cheated. I was fighting this battle within me. I KNEW what I was doing was wrong, but I felt like I had found my soulmate in the OM. I thought that fate had allowed us to meet, it was fate that brought us together, and that we were "meant" for each other.<P>But, I had a H. I was married, I was taken. I told the OM a hundred times that I was married, but he still continued to pursue me. Ultimately, I caved in - I crossed the boundary of friendship. Immediately after the after, I confided in my H about the affair. I told him how sorry I was, that I loved him and that I wanted to try and work things out. I was an emotional wreck. Here I had "fallen in love" with this other guy but on the other hand I still loved my H - he was a good man, a good husband. And I knew that what I did was wrong. So, I ended the affair, and vowed that it would never happen again.<P>I was a mess. I am Catholic - so I went to confession. Everyday, I was searching for answers - how could I have done something that bad? How could I have fallen in love with this OM? It was strange. I felt like this huge failure - because not only did I break my marriage vows, but I broke my H's heart. What little self-respect I had prior to the affair - I completely lost it once the affair went physical.<P>Anyway, I was miserable. I didn't know about this site or about no contact. So, even after all of this, I thought the OM andI could be friends. What a mistake. . .So, even though I vowed to my H that it would never happen again, and I went to confession and everything (Catholics are a funny bunch, but even after I felt like my soul was doomed (prior to confession) I still wanted to be friends - or maintain this relationship with the OM. So, the whole horrible cycle started again - friendship, turned to EA, which turned to a PA - again!!! Not only had I made the worst mistake of my life once - here I had done it again.<P>It was hard telling my H about the affair and asking for his forgiveness. But, it was even harder confiding in him twice and asking forgiveness for the same mistake twice in less than two months.<P>It has been over 7 months since I told my H about the "second" affair. We have been in recovery for 7 months. I sent the no contact letter to the OM, but within 2 months he had contacted me. Even after this second "affair," I thought the OM and I could "just be friends" So, we "stayed in touch" by phone and email for one month. I knew that I could never be friends with this OM - especially when he invited me to stay in his hotle room one night. It was like a kid playing with matches - I really wanted to believe that I could just be friends with the OM - but the attraction was too great, the temptation would always be there.<P>So, how does this fit into your situation? Well, at one time, before the affair went physical (again, seriously physical, lol)I actually asked my H, I said what would you do if I wanted to have an affair? And he had no clue that anything was going on with this OM - and he JOKINGLY said "well, if that's what it took. . .if I couldn't make you happy, you could sleep with this other guy. . .just as long as I didn't lose you." Well, that was the green light I needed. I guess at the time, I was reaching out to my H, trying to decide what was the right thing to do. And since he said "go ahead" I thought he really didn't care about me or about our marriage - so I went ahead . . .and got further involved in the A than maybe I really wanted to. I'm not blaming my H in any way for my actions, but I was reaching out to him - didn't get the answer that I wanted - so I went ahead and did what I wanted to do anyway.<P>I went ahead and did what made me feel good, versus doing what was "good." I knew what was right and what was wrong, but I continued down the wrong path - because it "felt" right.<P>For me, the affair lasted about 5 months, I've been in recovery 7 months, but if I had it all to do over again - I would have been honest with my H at the beginning. I would have told him what was going on before the affair went physical. For me, I have been through so much - you just cannot imagine. I have felt that I was in love with two men at the same time. I felt like I wasn't "in-love" with my H anymore. I felt like the OM and I were "kindred" spirits. I felt sleazy for being with two men. I felt cheap. I hated myself for lying and covering up - and ultimately that is what broke me - I couldn't stand the lying and cheating so I confided in my H about the A - otherwise he would have never known at all. <P>Through this whole mess, I felt like I couldn't take not hearing from the OM - being a part of his life, seeing him, feeling him. I felt like I loved my H - I couldn't picture my life without him in it. I felt miserable. Emotionally I had lost it. I didn't know who I wanted, I did know who I was anymore. I didn't know what was right for me. Was I meant to be with the OM - or was I meant to stay with my H.<P>I doubted everything about me. I guess I've been to he-- and back. At one point, in recovery, I couldn't stand the person I was - the liar, the cheater, the adultress - and I almost ended my life. I don't say this to scare you - not everyone is as desperate as I am, but if you have a chance not to go through this pain that I have gone through, or put your H and family through the pain that my H has gone through, then you need to take that chance.<P>I think you are reaching out for answers - just like I did almost a year ago. Don't listen for what you WANT to hear - because no one on this site will recommend that you meet up with the OM. I know exactly how you feel about the OM, and I know how hard it is to tell your H about this, but you said in your message that you "weren't" sure that you were ready to uproot yourselves and your kids right now - so why not try to work on your marriage first. Then if things don't work out, file for divorce, and then go looking for love again?<P>I guess, for me, I finally realized that no matter how great this other guy seemed, and how wonderful I know he is - the affair was wrong. . .It went against my marriage vows and everything I believed in. While the affair felt good at the time (i.e., it made me feel good about myself), it destroyed so much in me that was good and pure. I know you cannot possible understand this now, but I am not a dishonest person at heart - so how could I rationalize lying to my H? I am not a slut or a whore - so how could I have had sex with someone other than my H while I was married?<P>When it comes right down to it, I guess I learned that sometimes you need to do what's in your best interest. At the time of the affair, I thought it was in my best interest to see if this OM and I were compatible. But, now, looking back on it - I lost so much self-respect for myself that if I had it to do over again, I would have never gotten involved in the affair. As hard as it would have been at the time, I would have told my H about the feelings I was having about the OM - and sought counseling before the affair escalated. <P>Because, in the end, the choices I made not only hurt my H and my marriage, it hurt me. Affairs don't happen to me - they happen to other people. I would never have an affair - that happens to people with no morals. Well, I've learned alot from this experience - about myself - but if I had the chance to do it over again - I wouldn't. No matter how good and right it feels now, there will be consquences. . .not only for your marriage and your family. . .but you will think about yourself in a different way.<P>I guess if I had it to do over again, I would do whatever I needed to do that made me "proud" of myself. If, I'm proud of lying, cheating, committing adultery - well, then, there's the green light. But, if I would be more proud of myself for doing the right thing - by being honest with my H trying to work things out - then you have to do the right thing - not because it feels good, but because it IS the right thing to do.<P>There are no gaurantees in life. . .I cannot gaurantee that the OM is not your "soulmate." I cannot gaurantee that things will work out better with your H. . .The only thing I can say is that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. So, you have to make a decision one way or the other. Why not try doing the right thing first, then if it doesn't work out, then go for the thing that feels right? In the end, it is you that has to live with the decisions you make.<P>I know every situation is different, but there are a lot of similarities, too. Knowing what I know now, and what I have gone through, well, I would rather have tried to work things out with my H sooner than later. Nobody ever said that doing the right thing would be easy - or even feel good - but in the end, it still is the right thing. . .<P>No contact with the OM - no it doesn't feel good, but it's the only way you and your H will be able to concentrate on each other - to make your marriage stronger. I can honestly tell you that today, I am more in love with my H than on the day that we were married. I honestly couldn't have said that 7 months ago. But he's been there for me during the good times (That's the easy part). But now, I know he'll be there for me during the bad times. . .He's been my best friend through this whole thing, and I know that we will have a strong, happy, healthy and passionate marriage - not because of the affair - because we won't take each other for granted anymore. <P>I still think about the OM - but trust me, once you and your H truly start to "rebuild" your marriage, that desire to be with the OM, the thought that he is your one "true" love, will begin to fade - that comes with time. Try to give you and your H the time that you need to work through this. No contact really is important.<P>Anyway, I know this was a very long, rambling post - I tend to get that way sometimes - so I apologize. I hope I heven't put you to sleep. If you have any questions, yu want to ask me, I'd be more than happy to share my experiences with you - but I mainly hang out in the recovery section - or general questions. I don't really know what forum I am on right now, and I might not be able to find it again! Take care.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cleopatra:<BR><B>Give your husband the chance to fill your needs. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have to play the devil's advocate here, in a small way at least. I absolutely DO NOT recommend that anyone ever have an affair.<P>...and it's not pleasant to hear, but as far as "meeting needs" goes it's wise to consider and be prepared for the possibility that even "given the chance", those needs may never be met.<P>Having an affair is definitely wrong and damaging, and no solution.<P>Being faithful does NOT mean your needs will be met. Don't give up hope, but don't count on some reward for faithfulness and kindness, because it may never come.<P>That's just being wise.

I will only echo what SKM wrote because I could have wrote the same thing except I stopped it before we went "all the way". Checkout:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.dearpeggy.com/affairsmenu.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dearpeggy.com/affairsmenu.html</A> <P>As "real" as this A seems...look around at all your reading...kinda coincidental that we all have been where your at? Could this guy be "the one"? Maybe. but chances are he is not. Bringing a third person into a marriage will never work. Do what you know you should do, stop communication, and work on your marriage. You owe that to yourself, your husband and your kids. If it doesnt work out, THEN leave.<P>BTW, after ending communication, going thru BAD withdrawl, working together with my wife on OUR relationship, our marriage is better than ever.<P>DONT MEET THIS GUY!! you will only be making the mistake of your life, dont rationalize it in anyway to justify meeting him. Come here and post when you start slipping.<P>Being where you are, knowing how you feel, what you are feeling, you are going to do what your heart tells you to do, no matter what is said to you, or what your head tells you to. We can only hope by reading the experiences of the people here, we can feed your head with the right thing, maybe give you some insight into your future if you make the wrong choice and continue this A, and hope that your head will be just alittle more stronger than your heart so you will listen to it.<P>Someone told me when I was "in the middle of it" looking for advice...like you now..."listen to these people, you are hearing from your future, not to many get that opportunity to hear from their future"<P><p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited November 13, 2000).]

Emily--<P>You wrote: "Withdrawals seem so mild in comparison to what we, I and the OM, experienced."<P>My H expereinced severe withdrawal from an emotional affair (no sex). Months of deep pain, sleeplessness, bouts of tears, anxiety attacks, chest pains, etc. He finally went to see a counselor when his co-workers thought he was having a heart attack and called EMS.<P>So, withdrawal can be quite severe. On the other hand, he is happy now, thanks me that I worked with him throughout the time he was such a mess. He is very in love with me, and I am working on trusting him enough to let myself be in love with him again...it is coming back.<P>Anyway, good luck!<P>Kathi

Hello Emily,<P>I can relate to the problem you're having- but have to also say there are no simple answers. I think I'd have to second the suggestion by SKM <P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><P>There are no gaurantees in life. . .I cannot gaurantee that the OM is not your "soulmate." I cannot gaurantee that things will work out better with your H. . .The only thing I can say is that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. So, you have to make a decision one way or the other. Why not try doing the right thing first, then if it doesn't work out, then go for the thing that feels right? In the end, it is you that has to live with the decisions you make.<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR></B><P>There may be very valid reasons why you're attracted to this other man, why in fact he may fulfill you in ways that your husband hasn't yet- maybe, never will in the same way. However, looking at the overall picture, and the needs of your family, let's assume for the sake of arguement that there's actually a fifty/fifty chance of either situation working. Many at this forum would argue that the OM situation doesn't have that high a chance, but your feelings and what you say could indicate otherwise. Regardless, taking into account your family, it is morally the strongest position to try to make that work, and give it your best effort on all levels. <BR>But, these means levelling with your husband about your needs, giving him a chance to grow and develop with you, and making the best shot of it possible. People often do grow at different rates and different directions- but in a marriage, there are times you also have to make decisions to grow together, sometimes it doesn't just happen naturally. <BR>As SKM says, there are no gaurantees. If your OM really loves and understands you, he will also understand why you have to do this, why the needs of your family are important, as are your personal needs. If your husband really loves you, he will understand that he will need to exert some effort to "grow towards you"; all too often the old adage about men and women's expectations of marriage are true:<BR><B><I><BR>A man marries thinking his wife will never change;<BR>A woman marries thinking her husband will change. <BR></B></I><P>Somewhere, the two of you have to find the medium that works for both of you. As long as your husband is willing to grow and develop as a person and in the marriage, then you have a future together as a family. If he is not willing?? In the final analysis, you can only change yourself. By changing yourself, you can influence others. But, you can't control them. They have free will, too. It doesn't sound like you have a "bad" marriage"- there are many on this site, with spouses engaged in routine behaviors that I would never tolerate, and I don't think anyone should. But, your life is your life; your expectations and desires must be yours. If you can meet them while keeping your family together, then that is almost certainly the wisest course. <BR>If you can't, well, that's another story. But it's only you that can determin what is worth the cost. <P>Best wishes for your success and happiness,<P>Brad<P>[This message has been edited by Knucklehead (edited November 13, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Knucklehead (edited November 13, 2000).]

I too, like SKM have been in a similar situation to yours. I have just read SKM's story and my heart feels for her. I too love two men. I have had no real contact with OM for about 2 months and have had to change my life in many ways to make this happen. I am torn.<BR> (SKM, reading your story has helped me. Thank you.) <BR>Follow her advice and keep reading these threads, you will find that our experience is more common than you know. I am still suffering, my husband is suffering but, my children are happy and to me this is the most important thing. Good luck. HHS

Thank you all for your advice. I'm sure whatever happens will be for the better of everyone involved.

***<p>[This message has been edited by Emily (edited November 14, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by SKM:<BR>[B]<P>What started out as an acquaintance/friendship led to an EA and then to a PA. Let me start, I guess, by just saying, that I never really went looking for an affair. It just happened... <P>I never considered the EA a physical affair until we actually, well, yo know... <P>I was fighting this battle within me. I KNEW what I was doing was wrong, but I felt like I had found my soulmate in the OM. I thought that fate had allowed us to meet, it was fate that brought us together, and that we were "meant" for each other...<P>But, I had a H. I was married, I was taken. I told the OM a hundred times that I was married, but he still continued to pursue me. Ultimately, I caved in - I crossed the boundary of friendship. [\B] [\QUOTE]<P><BR>I have just found this annd it is a most interesting revelation .. not to mention, heartbreaking. I think it should be revived, as there is a lot we can all learn from it. Thanks Kathi for inviting SKM to post at that time.<P>My posting in the EMOTIONAL NEEDS FORUM TITLED, "Is She Having An Emotional Affair?" has led me to search other postings and I found this.<P>Those of you who read this, I invite to read my above-mentioned posting dated March 13 or 14 and give me your feedback.<P>Clyde

Emily,<P>You said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Thank you all for your advice. I'm sure whatever happens will be for the better of everyone involved.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can assure you that this statement is absolutely false. People make the best of bad situations but I can assure you that if you chose the OM, and you divorce the father of your children, they will not be better off. The data is overwhelming, divorce hurts children, period end of story.<P>The idea that it doesn't was a myth supported by no reputable research by many people trying to support their choices.<P>I will say also that your H won't feel that way for the rest of his life if you leave him. Oh! he may recover, he may remarry, but he loved you and apparently loves you, and to have love rejected as you are doing is something that leaves permenant and deep scars.<P>The statistics on marriages resulting from affairs is about 3% are successful. Only 50% of marriage succeed, 70% of second marriages resulting from affairs fail. I can find the book from which the numbers I am suggesting to you are from but cannot remember the title right now. <P>You also said something that all ADDICTS say. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I know I'm strong enough to cease ALL contact with the OM, I just have no desire to do that. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Smokers say this, drug addicts say this, alcoholics say this, and that is why Harley refers to affairs as addictions. They are. As with most addicts you are deluding yourself. You are in big trouble and this OM is the trouble you are in. <BR> <P>The problems are your and OM's not your H's but he and your children are going to pay and probably already are paying a heavy price for your addiction.<P>So please listen to the people who have posted here. Your relationship is not unique, your are simply just like every other addict. I hate to be the bearer of this bad news but it is true and your statements are so normal.<P>I do truely hope that you can see the wisdom in what is being suggested to you in the previous posts. It will truely be a painful trip home, but you can make it. The withdrawal will be hard, but your H can help you make it home, if you will only turn in that direction.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Emily, as you can see I am a junior member.<P>Now I can see why JustLearning wants me to contact SKM--her story and mine sound rather alike.<P>My A began online with daily emails with a man from church.I was extremely vulnerable. Just like you, I got to the point of thinking I was in love with 2 at once.<P>But now that I have cut off all contact with OM (for me it was immediate--I went through a weird withdrawal because he also victimized me-he collects women-so I began to hate what he had done and really hated myself), I am feeling so much better.<P>I was into the fantasy. My H was physically run down from aggressive radiation therapy for his cancer. We both kinda went into our own private worlds to cope. I used to say it was like our family separated into 4 islands (2 kids) when we used to be one nation. I was desperately lonely and OM was only to happy to befriend me.<P>If I am honest, I wanted an A to see what it was like. I've always been the good girl all my life. Believe me, it wasn't worth the risk.<P>It's been over 5 weeks since my confession and life has been hell. I was blessed my H forgave me instantly--he basically knew and was waiting for me to tell the truth. I am suspended with pay from my job as a pastor. My h is also a pastor and has been treated like crap--even to the point of being set up by our boss to appear untrustworthy. H is a fantastic man.<P>When I cut off OM (and I did miss the online fun we had and good times hanging out), everything hurt. Things kept getting worse emotionally and jobwise. But within only a week for me, I realized my whole family was more at peace. I started to see how great they are and my h just blew me away.<P>I know I am lucky and from reading here I see not too many get this kind of break with spouse immediately. H and I still have tons of issues.<P>I don't want to judge you but just share from where I sit now, I never want to screw up with even thinking of an A again. Sometimes we have the best but we get too sidetracked to see it. Sometimes we have just life get too mediocre. <P>I feel now it's far better to see if the marriage is worth investing in first before some OP who will use you and you are bound to lose either your H or OM or both. Is that worth it?<P>I really understand your pain and hope I haven't sounded judgemental--that's why I tried to just tell you my story. I hope you'll free to talk more if you want. Glad you have already received wise replies.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Perhaps Emily and SKM can update their espsctive stories for us.<P>Kathi was the one who introduced SKM to this Forum.<P>By the way, Kathi .. please help me out with some of the abbreviations. I'm lost.<P>What is a WS, for example.<P>Clyde

Dear Emily,<P>Please go to Poems and read "I just wrote this" by porkandbeans.<P>Let us know how it makes you feel, please. I hope you don't feel judged. We are here to support you and those of us who are Wayward Spouses (Clyde A, that's what it means--hi again) want you to be spared from the pain of a broken marriage and a broken heart.<P>I love this poem and wish I had seen it and would have woken up sooner. It is sad and painful but this is how your h feels right now no doubt.<P>Please let me know what are your thoughts after reading it. Thanks. Hang in there. Life is good and worth the living-when you have peace with yourself in your heart.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

JL, get off that high horse before you fall off! And please go to Emotional Needs and look for my name...read the entire post and be enlightened and may God forgive you for judging so harshly, a situation you knew very little about.<BR>BTW, I'm not angry, just telling it like it is. :-)

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>