Doogie -- I'm familiar with your story, and certainly you and I have had our tilts on various subjects, but just know that I'm pulling for you in whatever comes.
Now, from a purely subjective view and based on really very little hard info and certainly not knowing you personally, I can only offer a little conjecture. Maybe it will help. Maybe not.
I know you've been a victim of multiple lies, and you've done your share of lying. Your efforts to rebuild have been commendable. But, as I read your note about "spoonfeeding" her, I wonder if maybe there's something to that.
See, you and I aren't so different, and our situations aren't all that different. So, it's relatively easy to empathize. I do the same things myself. My desire to make the marriage work, to push it forward out of the mud, probably hinders it more than anything.
Sure I set boundaries and make a big noise and push for recovery and so forth, but she doesn't play by mine or Harley's rules. People usually don't. If you find one person on this board who has done it by the book and it paid off, I'll give ya a dollar.
The fact is, you can't force anything. Your S may still be in the clutches of the OM, if only in her mind, but you have to ask yourself if you really changed those things about you that pushed her that way in the first place?
Is your efforts to "fix" the marriage a sign that maybe Doogie hasn't changed as much as he'd like to think? Does your need to move it forward come across as putting it right in her face? Are you letting her be happy with you, or are you trying to force it? Are you letting her love you, or are you waiting for her to love you?
They may seem like philosophical cunundrums, and when compared to the cold, harsh Harley light, come across as yet more enabling concepts. Well, maybe, but here's what I've learned:
My S wants normal, and she wants to just "be" with me. She doesn't want to fix. She doesn't want to revisit or dig up the evils. She figures we've done that. She figures we know -- have known all along -- what the problems were. We just didn't do anything about it.
So it forces me to make choices. She offers a life with her based on the Harley concepts of truth, mutual support, etc. But no one said anything about digging up evils and changing her personalities. And yeah, maybe she is still in the EA with OM, but really what can I do about that? It's part of the test. What are you willing to do to make it work?
I have to believe -- and I think God is pushing me this way -- that letting things simply Be is the right course, at least now.
It's been two months since last contact, as far as you can tell, and yet you say
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I needed my W to get the OM out of our life so I could see and evaluate W's behavior without outside influence. That way, if she didn't want me, I would know that it would come from HER and not be influenced by the OM talking.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That tells me you are still scrutinizing, analyzing, subjecting her to the microscope. You aren't living. You aren't letting her be. Every move, every thought, every glance at a car... it's all part of the drill.
It's been two months since last contact. There are people on here who have gone two YEARS and are still wrestling with the demons.
They are YOUR demons. She has her own to fight. All you can do is be there for her.
So, maybe I'm saying you jumped the gun. Or maybe I'm saying you need to chill out. Or maybe I'm saying it's over and you made a wise decision. But in the end, I guess what I'm saying is if you let it be, something good is going to happen. If you simply resign yourself to doom, something bad will happen.
I'm not in your shoes, so please take all with the grain of salt I know you have in that handy-dandy Doogie shaker nearby. I wish you only happiness, peace and love.
I'd hug ya, but that's really not a guy thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Good luck Doogie.
