About a year and a half ago I caught my H in an affair with a co-worker. Although he still never admits it, I believe it at the very least was a strong emotional affair. I filed divorce, canceled and refiled. Our D-day will be Feb. 21st. We were living together up until Nov. 15th when I proceeded to kick him out. Things were going ok, but I couldn't let it go, begged him to go to counseling with me, even if it was to help me get over it and he refused. That is why I kicked him out. We were still talking almost every day. I have been seeing a counselor for over a year now. We have discovered that he is basically a sociopath (lies about everything) and I am one of those women who can't let go. Anyway. I thought we were doing ok. Things weren't the greatest but we were talking, he'd come over often, we'd make love, tell each other we love each other etc. Well, only to find him in MORE lies and yes, I caught him with yet another woman. I have been literally sick to my stomach ever since. That was on Dec. 18. I ended up talking to her, she said they kissed, have went out to dinner, spent the night at our cottage, they talk a lot, have lots in common etc. It just makes me so sick and miserable. They have even said they 'love' each other (after only less than 2 weeks!!!) She is also going through a divorce, yet still living with her husband. So they're relationship mostly has been cell phone calls. Except a few meetings. My H is a very good manipulator and charmer. I know they have been talking and making fun of me (like I am some psycho) because I confronted her. I can't eat, can't sleep, etc. When I caught them I didn't speak to him for a week,hung up on his phone calls, never let him in the house, etc. Then I broke down when he called one day and asked to talk to our son. We have been talking, I've been nice and brought the kids to see him at work Christmas eve. I have a feeling they spent christmas eve night together as I gather from what he said. He then called me at 12:03 a.m. and said Merry Christmas real sweet etc. I told him he could come over in the morning and watch the kids open their gifts, etc. We got to talking and he said he thought he burnt to many bridges, etc. to ever have me take him back but he loves me and wants his life back etc. and wants me to cancel our divorce. so I told him if he wants me to then he has to call her and tell her its over. he finally called her, and he was shaking like i've never seen him. he said "i need to be with my family" and she said are you ok? you sound upset and he said i realize I still have feelings for XXXX (me) and she yelled what!!!! he proceeded to tell her that he needs to be with his family, its over between them, and said he had to go and hung up. I sorta heard his answering machine message at his apt. and she was just freaking out crying, etc. and said she deserved an explanation. My H moves very fast and by the sounds of it, they were pretty heavy into the relationship. I'm sure he was lining up wife #3. he admitted that he said to her "this could be love" so basically i'm sure he said i love you to her. I am so sick! my stomach is in knots. I'm at a point where i really don't know if i want him, or just didn't want her to have him. especially because i knew he was telling everybody our marriage breakup was my cause. so, we agreed on christmas to try and make this work. he expects me to cancel the divorce, (or i'm sure he won't even try) he has used the excuse that is why he dated someone else. like i said, he is a very good manipulator and i have caught him in many many lies. i am so scared to go through with the divorce, yet deep down i know he won't change (for good, just for awhile)and am scared to cancel. I don't know what he will do when he finds out that i'm really not going to cancel. where do i go from here. i also think that he has a spending problem and his literally 'blew' $50,000 (which is equal to the sum of his bonus he gets in march) i feel he is keeping me so that he can keep his entire bonus to pay his spending habit off (i would get a portion of that in child support when it comes if we were divorced) he really hasn't shown to me he can be faithful and he has also said he knows he has a problem with being alone. (basically, i know if i keep the divorce until i feel safe to cancel, i am already ending it because he won't, can't, or whatever reason stay with me and move on to someone else). I am so confused as to what to do. he has been a dream H for 2 days yet there is no way i can find out whether he is seeing her and telling her lies to and just stringing me along or what. i know he's thinking of her because even though he told her it was over on christmas when he went to the car to get the presents, he checked his messages at his apartment from his cell. i have such a hard time, he says one thing, yet does another. i'm so scared to take this leap ...... one way or another.

Hi Faith7,

This is a very difficult and confusing time. For the record, just because you caught them does not make you Psycho. They all try to accuse the BS somehow or way of being crazy because we have a need to know for our own peice of mind if the WS is indeed a WS or if it is our imagination. Usually that is a good indication that something is wrong. If there was not, he would have just denied it. Not call you crazy.

Right now, I don't have much too offer in words of wisdom, because I am going through one of my rough spots. In about a week or so I will be better. I go up and down like this. I just wanted to respond so you knew you were not alone and you will get better replies from some veterans here.

Take care

Hi,
I wish I were more of a 'veteran' myself here, then I could offer better advice. I usually post on General Questions II, even though I am now officially divorced. Usually that area is more active, you might get more of a response there.

I am SO SORRY for what you're going through. It sounds like you have so many issues to deal with, it sure can be overwhelming.

I just want to say one thing, about being divorced. My divorce was final in August, and even though I was the WS--I certainly didn't want one when it finally happened. ExH filed due to my A, which he found out about after the separation. I am still praying and working on a reconciliation, eventually --if he will agree to it.

Anyway, please don't stay in a rotten situation just because you're afraid of divorce. It is not great being alone, but it beats putting up with lies and the kind of turmoil you're going through. I NEVER imagined in my life I'd be divorced, but here I am--divorced--and it's certainly not great but it's not awful at all times, either. I don't know if that's supportive of MB principles, but it's how I see it as a person.

On the other hand, perhaps your husband is willing to change. Then it's entirely different. He has to agree to no contact with OW, and he has to agree to counseling. Otherwise it just sounds way too painful, to me. So many people here have wonderful stories to share. There's one man who posts often , and he has turned his life around. He's had multiple affairs, but has changed. There is hope. Please try and calm yourself as best as you can, and continue seeing your counselor. Read all there is here on this website, and you'll learn a lot. I wish I could be more help to you, but please know you're in my prayers. I hope that things calm down for you. Life shouldn't be this upsetting, but sometimes it can be hard.

One other thought, some people have multiple affairs, and others are basically honest and mess up one time, big time. It seems that the type of person who has multiple affairs needs SO MUCH attention, nothing can satisfy them until they get serious help. I could certainly be very wrong, but that's how I see it. Perhaps you should relax, think about your husband and how you feel about him, and decide the logical course for you to take. All will be better eventually, one way or another . Please take it easy!
h_P

I

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

There is no telling what is the best course of action in a situation such as this. On one hand, you have at least superficially a husband that seems to be at least quasi-trying. On the otherhand, you have a man that has been unfaithful in several instances. There is no way to know what you should do. I guess, that for me, I would have to decide not whether I could ever forgive him for what has happened, that would have to come over time. But rather, I would have to decide whether I wanted the man.

What I am saying is that, yes, divorce is probably not the worst thing that could happen to you in this instance. However, it is definitely a life changing experience and furthermore, it is devistating to your children. Although I am getting divorced, due to my wife's repeated infidelity, then leaving me once again, I am not sure that I wouldn't have wanted to try even again, at least early on this time.

I tell you my feelings, then you will have to think about whether I am making any sense for your world. And that is it, we all live in a variation of each others world, and we have to take the information and advice from others and place it into the construct which we have to live within.

So from my standpoint, I completely understand what you feel about the difficulty in letting go. But don't think that it is something that you just decide to do, and it no longer affects you. That is what my wife thought it should be like, and when it wasn't like that for me, she decided that she didn't want to try to get through the tough times that it would take to really forgive.

So first thing is, not can you forgive, but do you want to forgive him. This is the first and formost question that you must decide. Because it rules the outcome of your attempts at forgiveness. If you try to forgive, but in your heart do not want to, then no matter what, you will be unable. If you really want to forgive in your heart, even though it will still be hard, and take time. With repeated love actions on both your parts, and his sticking to no contact and working on your marriage, I believe that you would be able to get past this episode in your life. But it all depends upon whether you want to forgive him first of all. Not just lip service, but in your heart and in front of God, do you want to forgive him.

Second, are you willing to work above and beyond what you really should have to do, in order to make your marriage work. Not placing demands upon him to fix the marriage, but are you willing to do absolutely everything in your power to make it work. If you feel that your part of the marriage consists of forgiving him, and then the rest is up to him, it will not work. If you feel that he must be punished and/or that he should take the bulk of the changing, then it will not work. If you expect him to fix the problems in your marriage, then it will not work. You both must improve. You both must desire to change in every way, and be willing to go far past 'your part' in order to make it work.

Third, are you willing to give and take the time necessary to get through this? This will not be quick, and there very well could be repeated behaviors on both your parts, that continually impede or even set back progress. Now I am not saying blow off a repeated affair, or repeated contact, but I DO mean that I am sure that there are many other behaviors that he does that bother you and can be just as damaging to your relationship. And just because he says he will change them, doesn't mean that it will be overnight. You will have to be willing to let things slide over and over again, as long as you see improvement and work. This is something that my wife could not do, and when I hit a bump, she ran for the hills. And the funny thing was, the bump was a direct result of something that she did that hurt me so badly during her affairs, but she continued to repeat this behavior over and over again, despite repeated attempts on my part to ask her to stop. (I just wanted her to wear her wedding ring. She used to NOT wear it early on, just to prove her independence from me, then she said she wanted to work on our marriage, but repeatedly would 'forget' to wear it when she went out. Finally, I blew after about 10 times of asking nicely and completely appropriately. She decided that she couldn't live with me because I was 'inappropriately chastising her' not her words, but the essence of her words. So she left, and I was to find out about 2 weeks later, that she was having another affair anyway.) Anyway, what I am saying is that if you set up very strict demands, they will be broken, but if you see improvement, then you will have to decide whether to let the break slide or not. If you expect perfection, don't even bother, because someone will "blow" eventually, and it just won't matter any more.

Next, is he willing to go to counseling. Personally, if he is not or hesitates, I would not even bother with him. He cannot change on his own, and if he refuses, then you will be living with the same man that you have been. My wife went to counseling with me. But never really seemed to take any responsibility for things on herself. She took responsibility for her affairs, but minimized them and rarely talked about them, preferring to 'sweep them under the rug' so to speak. It was much easier to blame me for everything in our marriage, and to even blame me for her affairs. Instead of making the repeated choice for her affairs, I "killed her heart, and made it so she had to jump at the first person to show her love." I should add "online or at the bar, number 1 or was it number 4, or one of the others in between?" But even though she said that she was wanting to go after she decided she wanted the divorce AGAIN, she has only gone once that I know of. I told her I would pay for her to go, for herself and our children. She stated at our last session, "I want to continue to go, I want to continue to grow for myself and our children." But that never occured, even though I told her I would pay. I guess, that one session helped her to grow so much, she doesn't need it anymore. By the way, I continue to go, it helps me to be able to see a person who has seen my ex and heard the lies she tells, and wants to help my children through helping me. We had a great counselor, too bad that she couldn't do anything when one of us continually lied throughout the sessions.

I guess that I say, in my opinion, if you think you can work, and want to forgive, then I believe in my heart that you should try. If you get your heart broken, it will heal. But if you do try, you can't hold back. You have to jump in with both feet and really do everything you can to make it work. Oh, I can tell you after having done this, that the pain afterwards, if you are once again deceived and betrayed is staggering. But I will tell you, you can survive, and relearn to live. But if you really try, and he starts to really try, then I believe that you both would be much happier than quitting now.

Am I glad that I tried to work on my marriage after finding out about 3 affairs? Am I glad that I once again, opened myself up completely and even more than ever before, to her? Am I glad that I spent 4 months giving every single thing that I could to her in every way I could think of? ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT ONE DOUBT.

What it allowed me to do is understand that I really could change, and did change incredibly. It allowed me to remember what it was like to really live in a marriage again. It allowed me to work on myself and make me a MUCH better man, daddy, Christian, and husband. And just because she doesn't want me to be her husband, doesn't mean that I wasted that time. It was actually a blessing. I was placed in the toughest circumstance with the greatest distractions to overcome and I did it. I was placed in the situation to read more than I ever would have in any other circumstances. I was placed in the position to really look at myself and see what was really important to me in my life. I was placed in the situation in which I was able to reevaluate my fatherhood and how I could improve on this front.

And it allowed all these things in a role that turned out to essentially be a 'throw away'. I never perceived my marriage as a throw away relationship, but the last year has been one of so many changes on my part, that I have little of the same person that I was one year ago. This is what the attempt was all about. The failure of my marriage was an unfortunate side effect of things, but the real prize was winning myself back. This is what I got out of the attempt at reconciliation.

Now would I rather have gotten this with a reconciling wife. Absolutely. I loved her more than anything in this world. Even after knowing of her affairs. Would I rather have had her and a whole family along with the changes I have made. Without a doubt. And I could have, but I also learned that one person cannot make a marriage grow. But one person can certainly tear a marriage apart.

You will have to think of all these things and more before you make your final decision. And one other thing, you must realize that this decision is not the last thing in the world. If you work on your marriage and it doesn't work, you are no worse off than you are today. And even if you feel that you are hurt by another affair, I tell you from experience, the chance at reconciliation, at least for me, was well worth the pain. And that was the most intense feeling I have ever felt in my life. Would I try again? Absolutely. Even if the outcome was not for sure? Absolutely. The pain is horrible, but the reward should it come about would be well worth it in my opinion.

Take care. I am sorry that I post so long. I just don't know how to say what I want in a short post. You will learn to skip over my posts if you come here often. Sometimes they are as much for me as the person that I am posting to.

<small>[ December 27, 2002, 10:48 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

He still seems to be trying...... He came home, actually cooked dinner (I don't think he has done that in the last 5 years we have been married!) Helped clean up the table etc. And keeps telling me he is trying. I do believe in a sense he wants this marriage, but for all the wrong purposes. I don't believe my H wants a D, I just am afraid because I have to deal with all his lies. Stronger -- Where do I find the Solo Spouse? I also don't like the idea not only did he probably make me look like I was psycho, but I caught one of her phone messages to him and they were making fun of me. How can someone who loves me so much do all of this. He keeps telling me it is because he just wants someone to love him and he knows he has a problem.... and the problem is he can't be alone. (so he was ready to jump in to wife #3) When we are 'reconciling and talking' everything has to be his way -- I'm not allowed to hear his messages, not allowed to snoop, not allowed to bring up the past or question him about it. I find that very hard to do for a few reasons, one is I need some type of closure to all of this, second, it would help me build some trust in him if he was willing to talk and share with me. Third, in a sense I feel he is caring enough about me to listen to my feelings about all of this. He says he'll talk about it -- but when I start questioning him, he gets irritated. I can tell he really doesn't want to. Also, I feel if he is not wanting me to talk about it, it may perhaps be still going on behind my back and it makes it that much easier for him. All I have really gotten from him is lip service on how things will be better and he is going to change. He said he'd go to counseling, called left a message, then he received a message back from our counselor of when she was available and never got back to her. Then he commented yesterday -- lets just drop the counseling issue for a few weeks.

He is one who is very needy. He needs to have his ego stroked 24-7. I'm just afraid I can't do it all the time. I believe your ego and self-worth has to come within yourself, not from other people. That is why he likes these other women -- they don't know his past, just the present and they think he is just wonderful -- but he has treated me horrible in the past, so truthful, I don't think he is that great. He tells me the latest A told him how wonderful he was, he's a good person, has good values, does a lot for the community. It is hard for me to tell him that because frankly, how can he be such a good person and have good values when he is cheating on his wife and never hardly makes an attempt to see his 2 little children. yea, he does a lot for the community because of his job, but shouldn't he being 'doing' some of that at home? he never helps out etc. here. He can 'snow job' someone new but he knows he can't me. That is why he feels so wonderful with them.

This morning he commented that he hopes I'm not just using him. That scares me just because I have no reason to use him -- I would actually be doing better off financially without him. He is the spender in our family. I have always been good with money, never spendy. He seems to want everything -- I think that is another way he is trying to make himself happy. He blew an entire home equity loan on stuff $13,000 tractor, $31,000 truck, etc. etc. etc. He even tells me now, all he wants is a hot tub and new 4 wheeler but he can wait until spring. I really believe he has problems that I can resolve. I have been really trying these last few days -- to do everything to make him feel "good" ie. telling him I love him, he's wonderful, snuggling with him, asking him how he is doing, feeling, etc. showing my concern for his well being. He commented today that he doesn't feel that I love him (and also that he hopes I'm not just using him, like I said) So, all of this of what he said he needs, I do, and he still isn't feeling it. He really needs counseling but absolutely doesn't think he has any problems. Plus, we still have to deal with the fact that he is a compulsive lier (spelling?). That is why I feel that I'm not sure it will work. I don't know how much more I can take of this agony. Plus putting my kids in this as well.

It may sound easy to just work on the marriage and see what happens but I already filed for divorce, it will be final on Feb. 21st. I really hate to cancel now. He is a very vindictive person, will steal everything, spend all the money so there is nothing, cash in stocks etc. On the other hand he is major pressuring me to cancel the divorce and telling me he can't do this with divorce hanging over his head. So I almost feel like I have to make my decision NOW. I can probably put him 'off' for about a week until I decide -- tell him the lawyer's out of town, or I cancelled the D but it takes about a week or two to file the proper papers in court. The other thing is when it is so close to the D, we have 'mediation' on the 6th of Jan. and also have to turn in child support papers to get that going. I hate to mislead him that I'm cancelling and he never turns in his cs papers. which I'm sure he won't because I already told him I'll cancel. UGH!!! I am so mixed up.

He still has some secrets from me I believe -- because he has his apartment. He turned the answering machine off there so I can't get any messages from him if she tries to call. He has also tells me she hasn't tried calling him since christmas when he told her it was over. i really dont' know if that is true or not. her boss was the one that set them up (she likes to play matchmaker) anyway, she was the one that was actually calling him 3-4 times a day so I find it hard to believe that she even hasn't called him to find out what is up. I don't know what to believe. I know that there is probably no way of me finding out if she has called or not. Plus what he is really telling them, -- like he needs to do this for financial reasons and then is going to refile divorce on me or what. he's a very good manipulator.

i also feel he is keeping me around for financial reasons -- that may sound crazy because he is the one with the high paying job -- but then he won't have to pay child support, day care, other expenses, plus when his bonus comes he can spend it all on him like he usually does -- where if we were divorce, he would have to give me a portion of that because that is his income and i would get some for child support. Thus, his 50,000 bill he has racked up not including his credit cards of about 5,000 would not get paid -- or at least in full. he would really be hurting for money. he would have to pay me child support, plus he is already paying his first wife child support. plus make all these payment which i don't believe he would be able to keep up on. at the rate he is going, he'd never get ahead!!!

by listening to myself, i think why am i with him???????? I can't even answer that myself and don't know if its because he was with someone else and it just hurt so bad. UUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! I wish i knew!!!!!

I just found a type in my previous post -- when I said "I really believe he has problems that I can resolve." I meant that I CAN'T -------

He has to figure out how to 'resolve' them on his own.

I understand better now. Yes, I agree, I don't think that I would cancel the divorce. I didn't understand that you were so far into it. I thought that you were at the beginning, and now that I understand better, I think that given his continued hesitancy, and hiding, that I would go through with it. You cannot live in a marriage in which he hides things from you. And I agree, that if he is not allowing you to hear his messages, then I must assume that there is something on them that he doesn't want you to hear.

I don't think that at this time he is willing, even though he says that he is. His actions do not show that. His basic actions that is. His overt actions of cooking supper is nothing more than fluff. Just like my wife and increasing sex. That is not the base problem. The base problem is that they are at place in their existence in which nothing is making them happy, because they are not happy with themslves.

I agree, YOU cannot fix your husband's problems. You can only work on your own. If you have gone through this as you stated in your last post, then I think that in my opinion, you should continue with it. As I previously mentioned, I did not understand the length and bredth of the situation. I thought that it was much earlier in your finding out and trying. If he is continuing to be secretive, then you must just move on for yourself and your children. There is nothing that he will be able to do. He cannot lead two lives. If he needs the affirmation from other women, then that is what he should have. Because, if he cannot get the love from you in a way that he appreciates, then he will eventually look for it again outside your marriage.

Let me tell you from experience. There is nothing that you can do that will change how a person thinks about you. I absolutely did everything inmy power to give my wife everything, in spite of her inability to reciprocate and to become involved in changes for herself. I did it all for 4 months, but she couldn't change herself. She felt that all the changes were for me to do, and if she wasn't happy, that it was because I wasn't making her happy. NOT because she wasn't making herself happy. Now she has the ability to be completely her own boss and responsible only to herself. If her life isn't a bed of roses, then it is her own doing.

I am making my life better with each day. When my divorce is final, I will be able to open a new chapter in my and my children's lives. At that time, maybe I will be able to start into my new life with an open heart once again. At that time maybe I will be able to live the life that I have worked for, even if it isnn't with the one that i always wanted to live it with. I will make my life what I want it to be. And any failures and triumphs will be because of what I make them, rather than because of being maipulated or dragged down or blamed. I know that I will always be blamed for everything in her life, at least until the next man tells her that she is a mess, then he will be to blame, and so on. One day, perhaps she will see that she can only be happy when she has searched out herself, rather than looked to everyone else to make her happy.

In my opinion, your husband is similar to my wife. Except that my wife doesn't even pretend to care or try. I think that it is because she understands that she jumped so far over the line with her last affair and set of lies, that I absolutely won't have anything to do with her. But I actually would if she wanted to try and work on herself. I would even with all the deceit and lies that I have heard, with real passion for our marriage from her. But whether she would ever want to or not, is less likely than her being strong enough to admit that she made a terribly stupid mistake and was willing to make amends and build a new marriage.

That is the sort of thing that is required in this siutation. Such as yours and mine. There is no reconciliation in effect. There can only be a COMPLETELY NEW relationship. Neither your husband or my wife is strong enough to do that even if they wanted to. They are not strong enough to face the facts that they have affect upon the world, instead of just that the world affects them.

So move on with your life. If you want, just put the divorce on hold, but if he says that he cannot work with it 'hanging over his head'. Then tell him that the marriage is not important enough to him, and that you don't want a marriage that isn't everything to him. In which he is not willing to give everything to it, with all the bruises and bleeding that will go along with it to make it flourish.

Being a doctor, I think of it like a major surgery. You must endure the possibility of death and disfigurement. You must be willing to endure the pain and precedure. You must be willing to put every ounce of your existence into the act. You must be willing to endure and exult in the pain of healing. You must be able to look at the scar, and understand what happened to put it there. You must be able to contemplate the whole of the dissolution and rebuilding with remorse, but also with pride at your accomplishment. Then and only then, can there be a relationship worth having.

That is why so many cheating spouses just run off. Because it is easier to just look for another relationship without the trouble of the past. They think that it is all because of the other person and the history, and that they can control those things "in the next one."

Faith7,
I know what it is like to be lied to. My husband has not cheated(knock on would-that I have ver suspected anyways) but he has lied to me alot. It really makes a person feel crazy. It is my natural instinct to believe.
I know that this must be very hard for you. Your husband sounds like he needs his ego stroked 24/7. Mine does too. I know that my husband has spending problems. When I was a single parent, my bills were paid on time. My husband makes 5 times what I did then and still does not make enough to satisfy his whims. I do not work now-Do you? Sometimes I feel like I am a peice of property he has bought and all of his money is his, not mine. We sruggle constantly. He is always looking for something new to buy that he feels he needs, gets it and finds more. You are not the only wife with this dilema. It would be great if he could be content with what we have today for awhile. I will say that he has made progress. When I take the easy route and stick my head in the sand-he spends like crazy. It just happens to be my role to hold the reigns back on this as much as I hate feeling like a mother or his keeper. He could easily end up in bankrupcy if I ignored the problem.
I have been married three times and I am his fourth wife! We have been married 6 years. Maybe its my stubborness that keeps me from throwing in the towel. My experience has been that when you divorce and re-marry, you not only get a new man, but a new set of problems to learn to cope with. I don't know anyone without problems in marriage-I really don't. I do know that to have a 25th wedding annaversary, you have to be very strong and and have the guts to live with things long enough to see them through. I am not saying that there are no reasons for divorce.

I have to say something in your husband's defense. You have been going on with this divorce thing for a long time. I can say that I honestly could not commit myself 100% to someone that had divorce papers hanging over my head. To me that would say that I want you only if...
I couldn't do it. Divorce was not created as a threat to make someone shape up or ship out. It was created as the last resort to end a marriage where there is NO LOVE OR HOPE LEFT. It sounds to me like you both have alot of love, or you wouldn't be making love, talking to eachopther, cooking dinners ect...
This divorce may break you up if that is what you want. Otherwise, a year and a half is to long to be in this limbo. If your husband has a weak ego, he will need it messaged by someone who is not threatening to leave(divorce).
You sound hurt, frusterated and confused. I am not in anyway condoning his behavior. But when you are married, sometimes you have to learn how to deal appropriately with each individual fault.
If I were married to a compulsive gambler, would I insist on going to a casino buffet? Or married to an alcoholic, if he were not stong enough around it, would I take him to a bar?
If your husband is needy and has an ego problem, maybe trying to work it out with divorce papers always waiting isn't going to help anything but get him out of your life. If you are sure that you are absolutely finished with him, continue it. But if you are waiting for it to straighten him up, it will probably backfire. Divorce is meant to be final-even the word says it.

Faith7, I haven't read ALL that is posted here, but read enough to offer this:

Divorce is not a solution to this stuff. Divorce will only mess things up more. You are both reacting to what the other does and ending up in the ditch. It is time for both of you to:

1. Sit down together and admit the past is a mess (insecurity, lies, affairs, blaming, etc) and that you both don't want what is past with all the painful behaviors. Pray and repent to God of it all. God is in the marital covenant trying to bring individual and marital restoration but you both must listen to Him. Have you each been truly born-again and in intimate fellowship with God? This is vital to having a true marriage!

2. He should not blame you but admit to you that he has sinned, repent, and agree to take whatever steps are necessary to get himself straightened out. You will not allow him to drift for weeks!! You tell him, that you will only accept accountability, where the two of you are in right relationship to God, getting weekly counseling, plus accountable to your pastor, and communicating in an effort to rebuild a true marriage. Then Faith7, You must be strong and "blow the whistle" to the counselor/pastor if your H gets off track.

3. You will set up a plan for your life together that is acceptable to both of you, including a budget, responsibilities, etc. Take both of your feelings into account in a Policy of Joint agreement. Write down your agreements and stick to them.