It feels weird posting again. It's been a year and a half since H had contact with OW. I felt I had to stop coming to the boards because it was too much of a trigger for me and I was trying to put the affair behind me.

We've been in counseling for about a year and a half. It's off/on because the MC would tell us we needed to go to individual counseling for a while and then go back to him. I'm on Wellbutrin, I was actually off it for a while this summer but started getting real depressed again and had to go back on.

It's hard to start, but I will try. I hope someone will take the time to read all this and can help me. I don't really have anyone to talk to and it really builds up inside.

My husband sufers from severe anxiety attacks. His affair worsened them to the point where he basically lives in his own little bubble and won't come out. We have no couple friends, he has not seen/spoken to his parents in over 18 months, he refuses to have anything to do with our old friends, my family, or work parties. Basically he won't see anyone, anywhere that could have somehow heard of the affair. The majority of these people have no clue anything went on, but he is afraid they will look down upon him.

I used to be co-dependent (before the affair when it wasn't so bad), but I am not anymore. Even though he will not do stuff, I still do it on my own or with our 3 kids.

He was in counseling to work on his anxiety but he stopped going about 4 months ago. He says there is nothing left for him to work on, no reason to go. When all this first started and he came back after the affair I told him ONLY if he got counseling and got help and back then he knew if he stopped going that we would not be together. Now, 18 months later, I am having trouble sticking to this. We have been through so much.

I try to tell my husband that we cannot put the affair past us when we are constantly reminded of it. I feel like I am alone. I like my life and I have lots of fun, but I have no one to share it with. If my husband and I are in the little bubble and all alone, it's great. He's fun to be around, we have a great time, are very close, but we have no life. Not even with the kids. We went to Disneyworld this past summer and the only way I could get him to go was to split the vacation up, 1/2 to Virginia (which he went to) and have to Disney (which he would not go to). He is afraid of Disney for some reason, he's never been three and it freaks him out.

I have been very, very unhappy lately with the holidays and my husband has noticed. The kids and I did Christmas at relatives without him a few days after Christmas and had celebrated Christmas alone in our house with him. He says he will never change. He does not want out of the bubble, and keeps asking me what I am going to do about it. He is afraid I will leave him. He has been paranoid about that since we got back together actually.

It sounds weird but although he doesn't want to split up he is very understanding and tells me I shouldn't live a life I don't want to live and I should stop lying to myself. If I am unhappy I should do something about it. He kept everything inside for a long time and was very unhappy about himself and it led to his affair so he doesn't want me to be unhappy for years like he was. It's not the same, but that is why he seems to be okay with it I think.

I am very confused. I never, ever wanted any of this. I have forgiven my H for his affair, it was very tough for me, but I did. After all we have been through, it seems so wrong to give up. I worry about my children and the effect it will have on them. My oldest is so happy to have us back together again. When he left us last time it was very difficult on them.

And you know what makes me the saddest? If we do divorce, and my H finds someone knew, he will not live in a bubble with her. Well, at least until something happens that puts him back in (his words). He would meet with OW's family and have her meet his friends and stuff. He says he can never do that with me again. My mom passed away this past April and he hadn't seen her for 10 months. It broke my heart because they were really close and I got real mad at him for that.

Sorry this is so long. There is so much more to tell, but I should stop for now. Why am I having such a hard time letting go and why can't I just end it already? I am married to someone with a variety of serious problems that he refuses to get help for, and yet, I can't find the courage to go. Is there something wrong with me?

I pray alot for God to help me, but then I get all confused on what are signs and what are not. I am constantly telling my husband I just want to live a normal, healthy life, but I get real confused on what exactly that is. I sound totally pathetic writing this. My H is not a bad person, he is very considerate, helpful and loving - in his bubble.

Any help is appreciated.
HbH

hurt,

I am sorry, I just seen this. I am so sorry for your unhappiness, it is not fair to you!!! you do deserve more then this.

I don't know how it is you get your husband to get the help he needs, perhaps you can can give him the ultimateum of he gets help by this date or you and kids leave and stick to it.

The teacher that I work with had an anxiety attack last year and was out for about 8 weeks, is on meds and sees a counsleor but is doing much better, was even excited to do ChristmaS THIS YEAR AND SAID HE HADN'T BEEN EXCITED IN YEARS. So there is hope!

It's not wrong to love your husband, perhaps pray for the Lord to work within your husbands heart. Praying is so very confusing I think, too! What are the signs, everytime I thought I seen one and would get hopeful, the totally opposite would happen and I would be devastated. I didn't not give up praying tho nor on God. Maybe you need to put the whole thing in the Lords hands and back out and allow him to work with your husband and your life.

I am n ot sure what the answers are for you, I did want you to know that someone did read and thought about you tonight. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make things all better for us all!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HBH,
It probably took a little bit of courage for you to get back on the boards here, if you haven't posted in a while. I don't have any magic answers either. One thing did stand out to me as I was reading your post, though. So I want to just mention it, for what it's worth. It appears your husband, because of his passivity, is forcing you to take a step (towards separation/divorce) that you aren't completely committed to doing yet. So we have to consider why is he so passive? Is it just due to his anxiety attacks? After all, if he had an A, and was unhappy then, he could have left. Could it be that he doesn't want the guilt of being the one who initiates the separation/divorce? Because he knows something is wrong but just doesn't know what to do to fix it because he's more comfortable in "his bubble" as you say.

As you know, a good counselor could help him through this. It's too bad he quit. I would make that your first goal before considering divorce. As Daybreak said, maybe make that an ultimatum. Are you still seeing a counselor? What is their opinion of this? It sounds as if your case is serious enough that maybe a professional could provide a better perspective.

Well, just wanted you to know that I did read your post, and I don't think there is anything wrong with you. But you are in a difficult place right now, and a professional who knows your entire situation would probably help YOU cope with whatever decision you make.

Thinking of you!

Hi HBH,

Sorry to see what you are going through. I had a friend that went through what your H is going through. His W had issues she needed to deal with but he also had things that he had to deal to. My friend struggled with anxiety due to not forgiving himself and other emotional things that occured in the past. He became entrapped in his own world which was his safe place. At first he didn't know us but got to know us, then he allowed us to help him out, we had to earn his trust he began to open up.

1.How he was helped was first seeking the Lord for forgiviness and sought to renew his spirit man and to connect with himself.

2. We got him around Male positive friends that he could talk to openly without shame and share his failures and see others went through the samething.

3. We had him replaced whatever was negative with something postive, TV, Music, Books...

4. We challenged him to be creative and start discovering life again.

5. We started excersizing with him by walking short places.

6. He educated his W what he was dealing with, she then understood and realized what a diff she could make.

What we discovered after he opened up was that he was suffering from depression because of guilt, both true guilt and false guilt and the constant torment of failure, shame and financial problems. Due to that he became afraid of open places - it's a phobia called agoraphobia - he was consumed by fear and social environments. Through prayer and changing his behavior and all avove he has obtained his confidence back and has exceeded all expections rapidly.

Donny and Marie Osmond went through this also, they later started there own TV show, so it can be overcome.

Hard to know from one post exactly where you are, with that in mind it sounds like you have done all you can do and are looking for justification to live YOUR life the way you want too, without guilt. You need to give yourself permission to be good to you, if your marriage is not a healthy one, you can leave it, everyone has that right. Whether a spouse is beating them everyday, or whether a spouse is "absent". You are not in a marriage, you are in a legal contract, and an accomodation. His problems are his, not yours, you have no obligation (no one has) to remain married to a dysfunctional individual. It sounds like you have offered help above and beyond the call of duty, the ball is in his court. He has essentially told you to move on, I wonder if that is a large part of his behaviour, he does not have the guts to divorce you, so is trying to make you do it (unconciously), but is offering you a face-saving way out. IMO one plan would be this. 1st give yourself permission to let go of his problems, they are not your responsibility to fix. 2nd decide whether you can live the rest of your life like this, and if so, make the mental adjustments to be happy with this limited relationship, but still married for the kids, because of beliefs, etc.

If you decide not to live like this, then go on to #3. Take the next step, be it official plan B, or seperation and filing for divorce. These are hard steps to take cause ones emotions are messed up. Do not listen to your emotions, this is a thought out plan, you will be all over the place, you just carry it out like a work assignment, or a military operation, you just do it. While you are seperated, and or divorced, start working out of this black pit, embrace life, let yourself come back alive, have hope about future love, and you will be ok. If your H (or exh if after divorce) changes some and starts pursuing you in a healthy way, you will be better equipped to emotionally decide whether you want to "rermarry" again. For some reason people seem to fear divorce, it makes no sense, you can remarry if you want. It is just that often one needs to take that action to regain emotional equillibrium (and get out of their own fog/addiction), and be able to make good decisions.

The kids make all this tougher, but parenting continues, what doesn't continue is teaching them an awful model for their marriages. Staying together for kids only works when it is a functional, happy marriage acting on good principles. Bad marriages are as unhealthy (or even more so) than healthy divorces.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say "Thanks!" for the thoughtful replies.

My counselor had quit a few months ago and I didn't migrate over to a new one yet. I am trying to find another good one without much success.

Daybreak,
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I know it is a tough dilemna, but thanks for being there.

Avondale,
My H did leave to "justify" his affair going fully PA (in his mind at the time), but he also disappeared from the face of the earth for 30 days in the process. I had gone to plan B at the time, so it actually made it a little easier for me I think.

He definately doesn't/didn't want the guilt of getting a divorce/seperation, but he doesn't want one now anyway and although he's trying to push me for an answer, it is more out of fear of the unknown than that he wants a divorce.

Everlasting,
My H is an athiest (although he feels it is good for the children to believe in something and doesn't extend his beliefs to them), so #1 is kind of out. I do understand what he is going through (as much as I can anyway) and realize if he got help we'd probably be just fine. Unfortuntately, although I can understand to my heart's content, there is nothing I can do for him. But, thanks, I only wish something like that would happen to him as it did to your friend.

And I do pray about it alot.

LurkingAbout,
I think you picked up on alot of correct things. Telling me to move on is definately a typical part of his behavior, although it has more to do with lack of self-confidence and deserving me/kids than anything else I believe.

I am at step #3 as you have put it, but am finding it hard to follow through.

To add to the confusion:

I found a really sweet card my H had written in Thanksgiving. He had decided to conquer some of his fear and go to Thanksgiving at my grandparents. It had said "don't worry, I will get over these problems and we can live a normal life again". Of course, when it came to it, he got himself all worked up and spent maybe 2 hours there, alone, in the living room, left at the time we agreed to, but then had to take off and drive 2 1/2 hours all the way back home (we were supposed to stay in a hotel) and disappeared that night to go out drinking with his friends. To him, he did good cuz' he was able to get over one anxiety (going out to a social place with his friends), to kind of make him feel better for the anxiety at my grandparents. Of course, what got me so upset is that he was supposed to be with ME that night and he only left me a text message saying "I'm going out with friends" and did not give any details or say where he was staying or anything. A HUGE lovebuster and something I thought he had stopped doing entirely.

Of course, when it comes to his anxiety attacks it doesn't matter who he hurts as long as he doesn't have to deal with it. AND, to top it all off, his view is now that he can't go out with his friends at all because it upsets me. Ugh...

I think that made him give up cuz' after that he was adamant about not going back to IC and that he was the way he was and he wasn't getting anymore help. For me to accept it or leave.

I just found the letter a few days ago and remembered and put the pieces together.

That is why I wanted to go back to MC and discuss it there (in the hopes that I am right and the MC can give him hope), but he wants us to just talk about it because there's no use going to MC if we are not going to be together (so he says)... Plus he says that his mind is made up and nothing the MC says will change it. (I don't entirely believe this, but it is what he is telling me).

I am going to try and push the MC thing because I think it is the best approach. I think my biggest problem is that even though he is trying to convince me that he won't change or get help, I don't entirely believe that is what he wants. I think it's the easiest thing for him to do cuz' he's scared, but that's about it.

I actually do honestly believe that if I go through and kick him out / file that he will go back and get help, but I don't want to force him into that situation. I want him to get help cuz' he wants it, not cuz' I forced him to (which BTW is his view of what has happened in the past - he knew that if he stopped counseling a year ago - I was gone and it's pretty much the only reason he went). At some points he would want to face his problems for himself, but other times he did it just because he was afraid I would leave him if he didn't.

My daughter's 4th birthday party is in 2 weeks. She wants my MIL and my H at her party. I intend on inviting my MIL and just letting it go. Last year my H just didn't go to the party and did something else with my daughter on a different day to celebrate (it didn't work though cuz' even today she will name the people at her party and say her dad wasn't there). So, of course, my MIL didn't go to my other two children's parties later in the year for fear that my H would skip out on those too because of her. I don't want to get involved, but I don't want my daughter to get hurt either. Suggestions?

Thanks.
HbH

Lurking About:

REad an interesting post in gloryb from just a lurker. Is that you? Wondering since reading your posts. If so, why are you here? You're not very supportive it seems of marriage. Hmmmmm.

Could be you. I have been "lurking there" too to find out how women can live with themselves when being mistresses. Oh the lies out there...