Just when you think you're actually divorced and your XW has given up fixing you....

I've been divorced for almost a year and a half now. Today when I was picking up our S, she asked when I was going to get a hair cut. Told her I didn't know, I hadn't gotten around to it. She then mentioned my lack of a fresh shave and asked that since I'm working construction now did that mean I could look like a bum. Just this afternoon I had told a friend that the XW seemed to be lightening up a little bit.

The conversation got around to money eventually. I am technically unemployed (working construction for cash). My sister has recently moved in with me and she helps out with the rent. When my XW found out my sis was going to move in with me, she asked if I could pay all the daycare. As it turned out, I ended up without a job, so I couldn't afford it. She wanted to know when I was going to get another job. I told her I didn't know, but school starts in two weeks. She didn't care about that, except to say that it was something else I was spending money on. She then pointed out that I was in violation of the divorce agreement because I wasn't paying son's health insurance. She has her D on her insurance, and adding our S to that didn't cost her anything, but that's not the point.

I kept asking her why it mattered to her if I got a job or a haircut. She finally said that it was because of the kids. She said that me paying the daycare costs for our S wouldn't be giving money to her. I pointed out that if I were paying and she weren't, she would have more money. All this complaining about her lack of money two weeks after she bought herself a $500 digital camera.

I just don't understand this. She obviously only wants what's best for me and the children, especially if it saves her money in the process. Why does she care about any of this? As long as she gets the money to which she is entitled (which she does), why does she want to make sure I'm paying every penny I possibly have to?

It would be irritating if it weren't so funny and sad.

Guy,

Sounds like your xw is the one having a hard time letting go. Remember her affairs had nothing to do with her feelings for you and everything to do with the way she feels about herself. She also feels better by trying to control you.It is sad. Until she really feels good about herself she will continue to find happiness in other things or other people.Even trying to control.

Just try to not respond to her. Smile and say I need to go, see ya later.If you are paying what you are suppose to, your job is none of her concern.The comments on your hair cut were to make you feel bad because that is how she feels about herself and of course she blames you for how she is feeling. Of course, it isn't your fault. No one can make a person happy. We must be happy with who God created us to be.If we think our spouse can make us happy, then we are in for a big fall.

I used to be sold on the same lie.I would get mad at my husband because he wasn't doing what I thought he should be doing. I stayed mad at himn because if he loved me enough, he would know what to do. BIG lie. I had to learn the hard way.Lost everything I cared about. God used it all to teach me how to be happy with myself through Him.

I am speaking from my own experiences. I hope it helps. Of course if you ever want to reconcile with your wife then that is a different story.

gentle

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

P.S. You are way too hard on yourself.

gentle

Hey idiotguy, gentle said something that rang a bell with me. She said your x is having a tough time letting go. Do you wish to reconcile? If so, have you read up on the principals on MB?

Gentle,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I stayed mad at himn because if he loved me enough, he would know what to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is like deja vu. There were times when she would be mad at me for something. I would ask her why she was upset. She would say that I shouldn't have to ask. Then there were other times when she would be upset, but I wouldn't ask her what was wrong because I didn't want to be in trouble for not knowing. Then she's be mad at me for not asking, I just couldn't win.

When we have conversations like this, I just don't know what to say. Because, no matter what, I'll be in trouble. She'll do her best to explain herself and how she feels, and then ask, "do you understand?". All I can say is, "No.". No matter how hard I try, I can't follow her logic. The trouble is, she doesn't see the inconsistencies in what she says and does. If I really want to make her angry, all I have to do is point them out, lol. The only thing that will make her more angry is if I say this,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just try to not respond to her. Smile and say I need to go, see ya later.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The topic line was kind of tongue in cheek. It's just that having these talks is so confusing for me, I always wonder what just happened.

Milsk,

I do know the MB principles, even though it's been a while since I've practiced them. I have no wish to reconcile, although I agree she might have regrets. I have a feeling though that her loss is not me specifically, but the security that I represent. I think I was more of a safety net than anything.

Guy,

First of all let me say that this is a sad situation.

Still, I laughed so hard reading your post to me.
What you were saying was the exact stuff the old me use to say to my husband. I had to laugh. Praise God, I can laugh about it now.My husband would say the same things to me that you said to your wife.

He could never win. He stayed so stressed and confused. He didn't know if he was coming or going.I hate to think of the way I use to do him. I am praying he will forgive me. I was always right. I used to say ,"do you understand" also.
He would say he did, but I knew he didn't.

Does sound funny now that I think about it like this. Thanks for helping me to laugh at my old self. I need to forgive myself sometimes and I think this helped.

I don't know what to tell you. I would hate to deal with the old me. I still did my husband the same way when he first left. I was so hurt though that I turned to God and He showed me all the things I had done wrong. I am not the same person now.I am praying that my husband will forgive me and come home soon. He has been gone 3 years. We are not divorced. That is a story within itself. He has told our friends and me that I have changed a lot.

Beleive me it will take an act of God to change your xw. It did me.

Just nod your head and get away as soon as you can.Don't let her get to you. Stay focused on what you have to do.

gentle

Back again, this part just kills me.
---
Then there were other times when she would be upset, but I wouldn't ask her what was wrong because I didn't want to be in trouble for not knowing. Then she's be mad at me for not asking, I just couldn't win.
---

That sounds just like the way I was.I went back and read it again and I laugheds so hard. Not at you , but at myself.

I saved this thread. I am going to let my husband read it when he comes home. He will get a big laugh about it someday also.

Maybe that is what you need to do. She is lost and I do feel for her.

Stay strong,
gentle

Dealing with this is much easier when I get to go to my house and she goes to hers. This type of behavior is one of the top five reasons I divorced her, maybe even in the top three. It's just so ridiculous, you have to laugh.

IGGY - how are you, friend?

Let's hear it for those yucky x's. (Insert loud raspberry sound here)

I'm facing having to tell x that children need cs increase. Haven't had one in 4 years. Sneakers cost more. Clothes cost more. Food costs more. Everythng costs more.

And I'm scared to do it.

Cinderella,

I'm doing great, life is good. The weather is perfect here, I'm so happy I no longer live on the east coast, lol. We went to the beach today to fly kites, it was wonderful. On the way home we stopped at the motorcycle store to look at dirtbikes. My 4 year old already has one picked out.

I don't mind paying child support, I just want to be sure the money's going where it's supposed to. Theoretically, of the money she gets, she uses some and the rest goes into our son's savings account. I just wonder if it all gets in there. I have to figure out some way to check up on that without really pissing her off. An impossible task, I know, lol.

Oh well, I hope life is good in TN, maybe I'll drop over to the kingdom one of these days. The traveling balladeer has been busy lately.