It's been quite some time since I've posted but I still enjoy checking into the site and hearing about the situations others are facing and how they are dealing with their problems. Since I haven't posted since my divorce, I'll just provide an update and background.

Began dating my ex wife when I was 18 and she was 15. We married a month before her 19th birthday and were married for just over 18 years. Have two children, girl almost 14 now and boy almost 10. All I ever heard throughout our marriage is how much she loved me, how she was the luckiest woman in the world, and how I was such a great father. I thought we had the happiest marriage any two people could have,as did most everyone who knew us.

Informed me 1/12/02, she didn't love me the way she should. She loved me but wasn't in love with me. Over the months, I've heard all the lines from she never wanted to marry me to begin with, she was too young to know what she wanted back then, she loved me up until 5 years ago, has loved me until the last year or two. She's also said she hates my personality because I'm not outgoing enough, I'm too picky of an eater and many other things that were never mentioned once during the marriage as a complaint. On 1/12/02, told me she wanted to find her individuality and needed time to think about what she wanted and there was no other man involved. Later that day admitted there was but he was only a friend and that it was just bad timing that she was leaving me at this point. She also admitted he's the opposite of me.

On 1/13/02, she met with him and they decided they each wanted to pursue a relationship. Did I mention me, my X and the OM all work at the same employer? He had told his wife a few weeks prior to this that he wanted a D. They were M 5 yrs and had no kids. On 1/22/02, I caught them kissing in his vehicle after she claimed she was going shopping with a friend. She wouldn't go to any counseling because she said she didn't want to feel any feelings of love for me again.

She moved in to her own apt. on 2/2/02. Still told me her and OM were just friends at this point. OM stayed overnight with her on 2/4 in her apt. Invited OM to her apt. to meet kids on 2/7/02. Still insists they are just friends and he's helping her find her individuality. In March/April, they picked out a house lot (same one we had thought about building on a year earlier) and then began building in June. Living with each other in her apt since early March. We have joint custody 50/50, of the kids. Divorce final on 8/21/02. $300,000 plus house completed in October which they own jointly. Say they were meant to be with each other and destiny brought them together.

She still claims they never had an affair and it was just bad timing. Said she never complained about being unhappy because she doesn't like confrontation, yet she is a very confronatational person about everything else in life. They seem very happy together but her brother and sister (mother and father passed away when she was 14) are still very unhappy with her over the situation and the relationship with her sister is very strained. She has become a person I no longer recognize and is into motorcycles (he has 3 of them) and many other things she never showed an interest in. I'm now 41 and she is 38.

My daughter is having a more difficult time with the situation but my son has adjusted fairly well. Daughter dislikes OM and they argue quite a bit and my daughter says my X is very difficult to deal with because she's always so crabby to the kids and always puts his interests over theirs.

I've adjusted very well. Much better and much quicker than I would have expected. I met someone and we are taking things slow. X has said she and OM will not ever marry because they don't want another divorce but I think they will do so this year. The most difficult time I have is hearing about things from the kids where they tell me OM bosses them around all the time, especially now that he owns half the house. Me and my X were getting along well because I think it's better to be on good terms than bad, especially for the sake of the kids. However, a couple weeks ago we had a disagreement over an issue and I've come to the conclusion it's best to just deal with each other when we have to. She seems to change back and forth between wanting to be on a friendly basis with me and wanting to be my enemy, so I think it's best to have as little to do with her as possible.

I'm still completly surprised this happened and especially how quickly everything happened. However, I've adjusted very well and am happy and am focusing on being the best father and person I can be. My biggest disappointment is in having my children only 50% of the time now. I guess I've still got some bitterness because I'd be less than honest if I didn't say I'd like to see things fail between the two of them someday but I am to the point where it doesn't hurt for me to see them together, which I constantly do, since we work at the same company. Would just like to say thanks to all those who've helped me and let me vent....especially in the early months. It would have been much more difficult without this site.

djw:

I remember your story. You might remember mine, but I changed usernames last month. I'm sorry that it wound up this way for you.

It must be worse having to work with both of them. How does their R look to your coworkers? Must be strained. Their R may or may not survive (my guess would be NOT, based on statistics alone and on the "typicalness" of their A, or R if they insist), but it is good to hear that you are able to move on and are considerate enough of your new GF's feelings to take things slowly.

Please take care, and enjoy your kids as much as you can! (they're amazingly perceptive at that age!)

-Qfwfq

Hi djw,

I remember your story and our was identical. I even see after DV we're going through the same things with ex's. You ex is at the soulmate illusion stage, she is learning about herself again, all true, for her its like being a teenager all over again, only problem is oneday she will have to grow up and face realilty. In time this guy won't trust her, he's going to boot her to the curb especially if he's still on the Marijuana......Lust, deception and the love of money all involved in that R, it's soon to fail in time, its only fun for a season.

Take your R slow, be selective and openminded.

DJW -
Thanks for your update. Good to know that there is life after Dv.

I too have been shocked at how quickly my M went from being "fairy tale", to rocky, to an A, to Dv. When our WS's get into this Fog, they surely do lose their way quickly, don't they?

Your XW is going through classic MLC, isn't she? Even into the motorcycles! How cliche, how trite, how ordinary . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well, we can take comfort in knowing that this phase - like the teen years - will pass. And she will someday wake up (grow up?) and realize what she's thrown away.

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well. Someday I hope that bitterness will pass too, although I can certainly empathize with it.

Have a happy 2003!

It is amazing to see how quickly the person you thought you knew better than anyone in the world can change. One year later it's like the woman I was with for 22 1/2 years now has died and there is someone similar in physical appearance but otherwise totally unrecognizable in her place.

I'm not sure if the OM is still using marijauna on occassion or not. X says he doesn't, but then again his X didn't know he did it during the entire 5 years they were M.

I've tried to stay friendly with X and we've attended teachers conferences and some other events together and gotten along just fine. We only live a couple miles apart. Of course we get into disagreements on occassion, especially if I bring up something the kids are upset about with the OM...even if I try to be as non judgemental about it as possible. I really try to limit that and I try not to treat OM badly either but then again, I'll never like him or respect him. Even though I dislike him and the type of individual he is, it does no good to be a jerk so I just try to limit my contact with him.

As far as working with them. Luckily it's a large company but I still run into them two or three times a week. I don't hear much about them from co-workers because it's not big news anymore like it was when it first happened, and I don't really care what they are up to. I still hear on occassion that he flirts with lots of women at work but then again, that's how he met my X and she didn't seem to mind he was like that. As a matter of fact, she said she liked that he was so opposite from me. A relative had heard from a neighbor of theirs that they fought constantly when they were living in the apartment, but yet the kids never mentioned any of that. I find it hard to believe you can have loud arguements but only do it on the days the kids aren't around so I don't know if I believe that.

I don't dislike my X, even after all that was said and done. I still remember the great times we had, just the two of us together, and also as a family and I don't have any negatives to say about our relationship. However, I realize that's in the past and it will never be again. It's up to me to move forward with my life, take advantage of the time I have with my children and to work on developing the relationship I've begun with a wonderful woman and to also use time to do things independently. I've learned things from the devastating feelings I had when this all happened and as hard as it is to believe, I've found things out about myself that have made me a stronger individual and much more open and willing to share my feelings about things. Maybe there's some truth that things happen for a reason. Thanks again to eveyone here.

djw, I like you felt like I was on a rocket of a divorce.

I too still love my W but have found that sometimes you have got to move on. It is good to hear that you are doing well.

It can be so easy to lose sight of the good times in a prior relationship once you have had bad. My W has forgotten all our good times following a year of A's. Its a shame that but I also believe in what goes around comes around.

Take care and I wish you well.

Perhaps you could share what was your biggest challenge and your biggest headache post divorce?

Just thought I'd provide a quick update of how things are going for those of you who helped me out in the past.

It's been over 2 yrs now and things are going great for me. I've been seeing the same woman I met in 2002 and we became engaged last month in Maui. We're planning a wedding some time in 2005. My kids are crazy about my fiancée and her kids and vice versa. Believe me, there is life after a dv and it can be great. I still have no compaints about my previous marriage but I feel this relationship is even better.

My ex and the OM still work at the same company as I do. I could live without that part of it but my ex and I get along with each other fairly well (although I always sense she's not totally comfortable in dealing with me and it's still funny how the fog has erased so many memories of things we did in the past). I just try to ignore the OM as much as possible but still be cordial to him when we have to communicate (that's something I work very hard on). A week after I announced my engagement, she also told the kids she was going to get married this August.

Nearly everyone I spoke to in the past thought my ex's relationship wouldn't work out. I guess only time will tell...but then again that's true for us all, isn't it? It could be my imagination but I see sadness in my ex's eyes and I'm not convinced she's happy. I guess if I'm completely honest, there's that small part of me that wouldn't mind it if she had to feel the same type of pain she made me feel but those feelings are growing smaller all the time and I imagine will eventually fade away.

Anyway, thanks to all those who helped me get through everything. For those of you feeling hopeless, even if you can't make the relationship work and your sp goes through with the dv, there can (and will) be better days ahead. Sometimes when you least expect it, something great comes your way. Thanks again!