I need help from all MB'ers out there to finally accept that my XH really is in love with OW. I've been divorced now for one year but I think deep down inside my heart I really never thought my XH was truly in love with this OW. I truly have grown a lot in so many ways since our separation and continue getting stronger as each day unfolds. But I'm beginning to wonder if I myself wasn't in some kind of fog thinking that my XH truly still loved me and really didn't love the OW.

I will try to make this as short as I possibly can. Since we separated my XH had been living with his brother but then in October 2002 he moved in with the OW who has 5 daughters. I thought for sure that things would just start going downhill from there and quick. Keep in mind that my XH and I always continued a semi-friendly relationship in which he would call the girls every night and then we would also talk about the day or whatever. I also was not always the friendliest XW to him either when we talked I would always find ways to throw jabs at him. Of course, since he's moved in with OW he continues to call our 2 daughters and will speak to me but only if the OW is not around him when he's on the phone. He did tell me one night that things were not as peachy over there as what I might think but he's never gone into any detail.

The one thing that is coming down the pike is that our 9 yr old daughter is starting to voice her opinions of the OW and sometimes will not go to visit with him because he's living with her. I do my best to make my daughters understand that this is the way it has to be. She has voiced her opinion to him about her not liking him living there but of course that didn't make a difference to him. He came to my house a couple weeks ago and started yelling at me because of an incident that happened between our daughters & the OW's daughters. I don't exactly know what he wanted me to do about it but when I showed him no sympathy he got in my face and yelled at me & started telling me all kinds of things that weren't exactly nice. He called & apologized to me the next morning & said that he just feels like the walls are closing in around him. I accepted but I was still hurt.

Just yesterday I decided that if I ever plan on getting rid of this anger, I just need to stop talking to him whenever he calls. Even though we don't have sex he still has had the best of both worlds because he's living w/ his lover but yet still talked to XW on the phone as if we were best friends. I realized I'm just hurting myself.

He called the girls last night and my daughter handed me the phone to talk to him like we've been doing now for 2 1/2 yrs and I told her to tell him that I had nothing to say to him. So she did but then she looks at me and says "Mom, daddy will never come back to us if you don't get over your anger." I looked at her and asked her what she meant & she proceeded to tell me that he had taken our girls to a park one day & had a talk w/ them about how when the time was right and your mother gets over her anger he may come back to us. I had no idea of this but my gosh did I feel like blowing up & marching over to his house to let him have it. But I sat down instead and kissed my girls & read to them and let them know how much I love them. What kind of a sick B*(^!@!! would tell their kids this & expect them not to get their hopes up not to mention put the blame on the mother.

I'm still hurting knowing that he loves this other woman the way he does. I always thought he and I were soulmates but I guess I was wrong. I think there will always be a special place in my heart for him but from here on out there's no more hurting myself. No more phone conversations with him & no more allowing him in my home when he brings the girls home.

It's time to take care of me and my girls. But I just wanted to get other people's opinions on how they dealt with spouse loving the other person???

Please help!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ruby - first off - I want to let you know that I emailed you - and that my gosh I cannot believe he told the girls that - what an idiot - I truly believe that he is working on trying to make himself look better and shift the blame to you ... I mean really if Mommy stops being angry - I will move back in the house - what about the OW??? So now your girls are dealing with that - that is not right - You really should try and get your 9 year old into counseling... I know that you are so hurt by his betrayal and you have right to - and I can certainly relate - but I think you should take your own advice and not talk to him anymore - that is what I am going to start doing totally - maybe ask him to email you - instead of calling - you don't have to talk to him - at my parenting class for my divorce - some parents used to pass a notebook back and forth - so they didn't have to talk - you should really try something... mimi

dopey,

Just a quick response to you I feel the pain that you have and have been there!!!

It's hard as all get out to accept his love for her and that it's not you that he loves anymore. The thing to hold onto is that he did and it was real and true, for whatever reason he allowed himself to slip. He will tell you all kinds of things and re write the history that the two of you have to make it ok for himself.

I believe that you answered your own question and gave yourself the best advice possible, stop talking to him stop meeting that need of his!!! Obviously she is not meeting that need, that's their problem not yours.

I still wish that my husband loved me and not her. I do wish that their love fails and that the two of them feel the pain that they have caused me. I am not holding my breath though as you turn blue and pass out when you hold your breath too long.

I know that I did not do anything to cause my husband to stray that was his choice, he could of and should of chosen to talk to me if he had problems with me. That is not mine to own, that is his!!

You are strong, you can do this you can stop talking to him, you know he is going to call every night to talk to your girls, vacate the room, don't allow yourself the pain that it causes you!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"When the time is right and your mother gets over her anger he may come back to us."

What the bloody hel_? Is this buyer's remorse or something?

This is fence sitting at it's finest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It is holding out a sliver of hope to the kids ... without making any real effort to change himself. It is a coward's oath ... "if your will mother do this, then I can do that". He doesn't have have the balls to make a true committment.

He's an unhappy camper ... but, he wants to make his unhappiness your responsibility. You can discuss this with the kids if they are mature enough to understand. You can give examples of how we are responsible for our own feelings.

Boy ... this guy is soooo lost. He probably will make a mess of this current relationship ... and then you might find him waiting at your back door, asking for scraps.

You sound strong!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks so much for everybody's responses it really helps so much getting everyone else's thoughts. In fact, my XH just finished calling to say good night to the girls and I came into the computer room so they wouldn't call me to the phone.

I know in a few days I'll be asking myself "what was so hard about not speaking to him." I even know that I will grow even stronger this way. I will stay in touch and let you all know how I'm doing in a few days or so.

Thanks again.