Hi there, it's been a few months since I've been here. I think in my last post I had decided to get on with my life. Well I did, but seem to be back at the same point I was a few months ago. My h has a internet and just in general porno problem, about a year ago he had a internet affair. Well it seems like after many promises he is back to the internet smut and loaded up on magazines again. My mom had come to the same province I live in, and we went camping together for a few days, before I left I found a blank e-mail that said camping ok? in the subject box, no message nothing, well my son didn't send it and my husband swears on our love he didn't. This is driving me crazy. When I got back from my little trip, I discovered he had been sucking smut on the net again. Now the really embarrasing part of all this, my husband does not like making love to me anymore, maybe once a month. He prefers to masturbate with his magazines alot. I find this really strange. I do not know how to handle this, why can't he make love to me, we have an incredible sex life I thought, it is always wonderful, why does he prefer his smut to me? When we do make love he does certain things he sees in his pornos which I have told him are uncomfortable and I don't like. I find this very degrading, I have a open mind but, attempting to put a fist you know where is not making love or expermenting, its just degrading and well it just doesn't work unless you are a porn star I guess. (I found that last part incredibly embarrasing) I am so suspicious and so tired of living like this, my h always lies to me until his cornered and finally he gives in on the little things and tells the truth, how do I trust him? I am going to counciling next Thursday by myself at first to try and make sense of my own life, as this has stripped all my self-confidence, I feel ugly and well not myself anymore, kind of a shell. I think I could deal with the truth better than I can all these suspicions and wondering what is really going on. Any advice would help so much.

Hi there....<P>Get rid of that computer. The guy is a porno addict. As long as he has access to the computer he will not be able to live a normal life.<P>Look over the Joint Policy Agreement from Marriage Builders. Do not submit to anything you are not comfortable with... It is NOT normal and your H needs help.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on my feet than live on my knees"

Problem is even without the computer he still finds a way, his magazine collection increases tenfold. He has stayed off the computer for a few months but returned to it again. My parents got my son the internet for his birthday. I feel like we are some low class trash people telling this story but we are upper middle class respectable folk with 4 children. I guess this is why it is really embarrasing to talk about. I have heard that porno can be addictive I don't know if I buy this though. In many other ways my H is a great man. This is a big problem and I am at a loss on how to deal with it. Porno is so easy to access anywhere!!!!

I don't know why YOU should feel embarrassed about anything. Your husband's addiction is degrading to you and detrimental to your marriage. Fisting can be very dangerous. Try to get some counseling for him. Sexual addiction is not an easy problem. (cl where are you?) You may benefit from having a counselor to talk to as well. I wish you well.

What an awful situation for you. Porn is certainly one of the big downsides to the internet. It seems to be everywhere and so much of it is free. By the way, I do think it can be addictive - why else would there be a kagillion websites on the stuff?<P>Does your husband know how much this bothers you? How in the world could masterbating with magazines compare to making love to your wife? I'm lost in that regard.<P>In Harley's book "Give & Take" chapter 15, he shows how a husband and wife can reconcile their sexual differences pretty well. Actually, the entire book is very good.<P>Never submitt to any activity that you both are not enthusiastic about. Don't let him strip you of your dignity. He needs to know where the boundaries are and inflecting physical or emotional pain can not be mistaken for making love. <P>I hope you can resolve this. <P>SHA

Hi Wilson...<P>Whew, hang in there...your situation has GOT to be frustrating! I'm open-minded as well, but, uh, fisting??? No, no. I'd almost say if he's fascinated with that (in fantasy), let him view it in porn sites & mags, but that's part of the problem. Sigh.<P>My H is a bartender in a strip club. I think he's fairly immune to it, but it sure bugs ME (that he works there). So in a way, I can relate. Porn stuff doesn't bother me, I like to watch movies with my H on occasion, maybe even more than he does. However, I'm positive it would hurt my feelings terribly if H would rather masturbate than enjoy making love with me, and spend inordinate amounts of time with magazines, again, instead of me. That goes for more than just porn though -- if I'm feeling neglected, football and wrestling bother me too. <P>Perhaps you could approach it that way with your H. Mention the porn stuff, but say you'd feel that way about anything that takes him so far away from you mentally for such long periods of time. He is neglecting your emotional needs. Maybe if he felt less emphasis was being placed on the actual problem and understand how much it pleases you to be with him doing something you mutually enjoy, his defensiveness would relax. When he is feeling more comfortable with you again, there's a possibility you can tackle the porn addiction. I personally think ANYthing in excess gets boring eventually.<P>I don't know your H's age? Could he be experiencing a bit of that male menopause? That feeling of gosh, there's a cornucopia of sex out there and here I am married...I will only have sex with my wife forevermore, wahhhhh. (I know, how complimentary, but not an uncommon thought.) I would think in your situation where you DO like making love, there's easier hope here. Would spicing up your sex life help? (And NO, I don't mean fisting.)<P>Another thought...(as always, discard immediately if it doesn't help)...it's very important to my H that I enjoy sex to culmination each time. So here's the problem part - sometimes he's just too darn tired and doesn't feel like putting forth the foreplay&more effort that I like. I think he would want to have sex of SOME kind every night, if it weren't for his worry that I'm not thoroughly enjoying due to his tiredness. Catch-22. I realize he's pretty exhausted many nights. Sometimes I "give" to him without expecting reciprocation, and I make that absolutely clear so he doesn't feel guilty. He always makes it up to me later!<P>Might that help in your situation?<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Ok, I thought and thought and died of embarrassment and humiliation but then decided "Well, I've been honest with these guys about everything else - why not?" <P>A number of years ago my h went through a horrifying experience that affected his perception of himself as a man. (Yes, I went to counselling for it, but he, the big man, could handle it on his own). When things didn't "work" as they should a bit down the line, I asked him to talk to his doctor at his next checkup since it was coming up. He did, (of course, leaving out the "attack" because he still hadn't dealt w/ it) and this wonderful, yet uninformed doctor suggested that he was "getting older" and these things were normal. He recommended "visual aids" to possibly increase his libido. Now h hadn't done this sort of thing since he was a kid - thought it was kinda yucky - but......the doctor said...and so...... Well, things got worse in that area b/n us. He finally came to me (a couple of months or so) and fessed up. The one or two visual aids had turned into a library (hidden) and he had discovered what lots of people do when they get "hooked" - it can screw up (ohhh - pardon my language) your life. He stopped, but it was hard. It can be addicting. It can affect a broad range of people, even "folk".<P>Dr. Harley and others have written some very good articles on addiction to pornography. At least the withdrawal is not as hard as to an OP! But it takes take work and treatment. Fact of the matter is, ANYTHING that takes away from your marriage or relationship w/ your partner IS A PROBLEM AND MUST BE DEALT WITH. <P>Now, I'm not a prude, but preferring fantasy (and that's what it is, you know - alot like an affair) to a living, breathing, oh-so-willing and able partner is not as it should be. We got through that part - or did we - now it's Sweetie Pie.<P>There's help out there. Recognize the problem, help him to and get the help you need to deal with it.<P>Sorry - been there. And it hurts! My prayers are with you.<P>Lori