Hi,

As some know and followed my story i've mainly posted on the best thread on the board [Petvets "Tough Love Thread"] but I wanted to share this just to give somebody some hope, my marriage/DV went from bad to worse and me and exw turned from bestfriend and lover to enemies,her A's started in 2000, d-day started Jan 2001, mult A's, she filed, Dv was May 2002, now there has been a major change on her part and she is about out of the fog totally and God is slowly restoring her back to normal. I just want share with you that what has happened is not all about you, you won't stay wounded for ever, I got the words I yearned to hear for so long yesterday.....below is a long post, read only if you want....It's not for the healthy but for the wounded, not for the strong but for the one's healing...It's been a painful journey don't give up...

The War is Over!!

I don’t where to start. Exw called me Sat. morning [record conversation time 6 hours, yep 6 hours] haven't talked to her since Sept 02, she called to ask me did I receive a certain type of CS mod paper from lastweek, I said I don’t think so and checked my papers and I had the same thing she had, then she told me the process of what she had to do to get papers to my employer last time, etc but this time the court is not involved, so I agreed to help her out and take my papers to my employer and cut the red tape so I don’t over pay from the old CS order.

Then conversation changes to regarding the perjury papers, I said “Why did you submit such bold lies to the court”? Her response was, she said during the court session she couldn’t figure out what I was talking about [via phone session] and the hearing officer was shrugging her shoulders when I was stating what exw submitted and wrote? Why? Well yesterday I found out exw sent me a incomplete cut and pasted document by accident but submitted the true facts and document to the courts, me and exw read and compared what she had verses what I had and she was truly dumbfounded and apologized. Then she even challenged me to get the document filed with the court for further proof, so I believe her. Now I owe you guys an apology for making her look bad, I’m sorry, she’s sending me what she filed……. She then said “Why come if you think I’m doing something wrong to you or trying to do something to emotionally harm you, why come you don’t call me and ask me or talk about it? I was speechless??

I then said since d-day all you’ve done is try to hurt me and take advantage of me in every possible way, I said why would I go to my tormentor of 2 ½ years? She said see you really don’t know me, I’m not trying to hurt you….I then said all the things of the affairs and adultery, CS issues have really hurt me and then you even said things in court you shouldn’t have, she ok, in court that was pot shots we both said things but as far as the past of what I did to you? [In a gentle voice], Listen:

A healing moment:

I am very sorry for what I did, I did not do those things in no way to purposely set out to hurt you, it was not targeted at you, you just happen to be there when my dirty little secret got exposed, you going to jail was not intentional and all the other things I did, I wish God had healed me secretly and privately and been done away with it like some people, but I was exposed openly before everybody but I’m not bitter at God, as the word of God says “ whatever is done in secret will be brought out to the light and in the open” I struggled with my dirty little secret for so long that I was under the temtation to have an affair when we were together, its no fun, now no more hiding, now I’m free and feel no shame to talk about it, when I was in church I felt I needed to hide it, but it’s all out now and I can move on. What I did had more so to do with me, I have learned my weaknesses and you can really tell it when you get a in a situation and I have been in many but I also learned my strengths. I have told the girls your mother did a lot of wrong things and made some terrible mistakes, but in that in the other city I’ve went to church quit often and exposed it and repented and been prayed for and asked God’s forgiveness, ministered to and trying to let it all go, sometimes I fall back into the guilt and ministry people remind me what God forgives he forgets and to keep forgiving myself.

Then she said to me in a kind voice ‘You really needed to hear another apology didn’t you? I said yes, I said because you apologized in counseling in 2001 shortly after all the d-days and a few days later turned around in did the same things I said that removed every word you said, she said I understand. But remember it was not about you and you got to get past this. Then she said “ if you ever feel like I’m trying to hurt you or do something call me or email me and talk about it stop letting it get to the hurt point, see if it’s true, see if it’s what it really appears to be, this so called perjury issue could have been solved if you would have called me, but you decided to carry a unnecessary weight, don’t you know me better than that? why would I set myself up to go to prison. Then I said, well it was notarized, I trusted that you knew what you were doing and it all flowed, she said well as I said call me in the future, that document was a total attachment mistake, you know me better than that, check the court records too….I said to myself, I think my exw wife is back in her right mind.

Current guy issue:

Her

I’m really not going to talk about the past but I will say that one guy is back with his W as I said there was nothing there, he emails me sometimes, at first there were inappropriate talk but we’re just friends, never met in person just internet friends and matter fact he has several OW but I encouraged him to get back with his W and he told me he separated from his W in 2000 because she was overweight but said now they’re back together and they went out to dinner and he’s bragging now she’s the best beautiful thing he’s ever had. Exw said her and this guy hit it off because that was an issue of our marriage but said she was happy they overcame the problem in there marriage and glad to see them happy [ exw saw a marriage restored]

Then she said, well another guy we were just friends and business friend, he came down to see me and I tell you what! I wasted my weekend with him driving him all over the city to find some shoes, what a waste of time,if you saw him you wouldn't felt no threat at all, exw said then I did a project for him and now he will not pay me for it, he owe’s me $450.00 dollars, he changed his number, cut contact, skipped town, etc…

She didn’t bring up the other 3 OM’s in regards to the perversion but that’s ok…it's over

Current guy she is with: I said you know, I said if you were with somebody else I wouldn’t have a problem with you with somebody else, you’re a free single woman, but I said you are with a guy who snuck in my marriage through deception and lying and you want me to except him? Sorry, I can’t except him, but anybody else yes, I’ll be happy to meet them and become friends, there will always be a friction between me and him in the fact that he would say that my wife belongs to him now when we were still married and made threats to kill me…She said she understood she would feel uncomfortable also if she was in that position with another woman that invaded our marriage. She said I guess that would make you feel akward,huh?.. She then said she will do everything to keep us apart and him out of sight..but said I’m going to have to get over him despite what somebody said or did....I said I know but this is hard.....

She then said current guy treats her like a child because she’s petite and is overprotective to the point she can’t even have the freedom of hanging out with female friends and is screened heavily with her male friends with him checking to see what they want, he still answers her cell phone??? same thing he did to me?? [It’s apparent he’s a controller and insecure]

So I asked her what is she going to do in her future plans, she said her and current guy has no future relationship plans in her eyes,don't know how long they could be together, she said it could end at anytime there's no committment, she said if she decides to move and he comes great, if not, she’s moving on regardless and not putting what she wants on hold for nobody but the girls, she said her and current guy is more of a dating, companionship thing right now nothing more than that…said he against moving to CA where most of her family is [same issue I had that caused division]..she said if she moves, current guy can go back where he’s from as far she’s concerned…

Then she said you ought to get you a girlfriend, it’ll make you happy, I said, no, that won’t make me happy, I’m fine right now staying free and staying focused, I must become successful before I go that route, I have goals I have to reach, she said, Oh I see that’s a distraction for you, I said yep, she said well companionship is nice, must be a emotional woman thing, I said well not necessarily true this is just where I am in life, I said besides I have business female friends and that’s all I need right now, there’s no romance or dates…..she said oh..

Her and I ending conversation:

I said you know when we were together you were my dream girl for 21 years, I felt what people saw on TV I had in my home but a Christian woman, that&#8217;s why I never was so into TV women like most guys, you were my everything, and you know, I still haven&#8217;t totally fallen out of love with you yet, it&#8217;s a process, she responded and said you know by the bad emails and things you said I would have never known that, I then said well you have look at what happened and where I was at, I was wounded, &#8230;&#8230;she then said well now we&#8217;re friends [she insist on the friends thing??]&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;Ok, Then me being caught up in the moment I made some smooch kissing sounds to her [she giggled and blushed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> like a teenager in HS] she said were friends now, I said I know, I just remembered when I used to kiss those sweet lips of yours [she giggled and blushed again, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> said were friends now], I said who knows maybe one day we&#8217;ll be back together, she said [smiling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ] well we&#8217;re on 2 diff paths now and moving forward, I said maybe our paths will cross [she giggled again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and said well&#8217;&#8217;&#8217;&#8230;&#8230;.were friends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ] I said that&#8217;s how a relationship starts is by being friends you know [she smiled and said you&#8217;re something else <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]&#8230;So hanging up I said I love you pretty face, she said ok, let me know how giving those papers to your employer goes, &#8230;talk to you later&#8230;&#8230;

*******************
Ok, I know I shouldn&#8217;t have said it but I couldn&#8217;t help it and of course she wanted hear it to, I could tell. Exw has repented and is progressing out of the mess she was in, one thing I left out is in the past for years exw said she would never move back to the Midwest where it gets cold and now she says she would move anywhere but prefers CA, but said if the money was right she would move and endure the cold verses living in warm sunny FL, since moving from southern Fl to northern Fl she has been exposed to the cold again and realize she can endure 19 degree weather if necessary&#8230;..I know this sounds crazy but I think exw has given it thought of coming back if the circumstances were right and a key sounds like financial security&#8230;..Is it possible she could be back?? She wants to communicate more and more....I haven't prayed for her return to me but prayed for her restoration to herself which is happening......

Also I found out on Friday this CS arrearage issue is all wrong the court is making me pay today&#8217;s salary amount for when I was unemployed in early 2001, so guess what, I have to do the whole process over again, what fun, however exw agreed to do it together and help each other rather than being at War with it, for the first time we were able to talk about sensitive issues and she didn&#8217;t blow up with a short fuse but listened and answered and laughed sometimes at things that happened trying to figure out why the stupid actions, in the past she wouldn&#8217;t explain things but always said get over it and move on&#8230;..So I&#8217;m on a greater road of recovery, when the person that hurt you helps you, it makes the process much easier I feel she&#8217;s stepped back to come help, I&#8217;m not turning her away for that. Some may say well, if she repented why is current guy still in the picture, well he appeared shortly after we separated and FL law says you are free to have another relationship once separated so according to the law she&#8217;s feels fine but according to the word of God she is wrestling, God always wins and is winning, Fl law is no match against Gods life principles, so I&#8217;m not concerned what stage she&#8217;s at now because she's moving closer to God and not away as before, affairs and adultery are a weakness and moving away from God and she starting to see that, yes, the relationship is legally right but it&#8217;s not morally right and in time current guy is not going be able to handle exw when she gets totally back on fire for God [she&#8217;s still trying get me to validate their relationship but I won&#8217;t]&#8230;.God is working and purging, I didn&#8217;t do nothing but leave her alone after moving [Pray and Plan B] each time she called and hung up mad, I never called her back yet each time she calls, she wants to talk longer&#8230;.Go figure?? How can she talk to me 6 hours if nothings there, she did most of the talking???

Next week is her b-day, I&#8217;m going to send her a b-day card and an encouragement/apology card, she&#8217;s going to carry that card everywhere she goes, I know her. I'm sure she couln't take me ignoring her b-day again. Some may say why talk to her that long? Well I didn&#8217;t, [I listened]. As I said the BS is the &#8220;Real&#8221; and has the true words of life and lasting love bank deposits. The OM/OW is the &#8220;Counterfeit&#8221; their words are false and temporal [counterfeit love bank deposits] only leaving you in shame and guilt, their end is false hopes and promises and destruction to the soul..

More than anything now " There's No More War" I can no longer point my finger at her for what she did and should she ever hurt me she wants to know, what more could you ask for, we even talked about our YD/OD as a family for the first time in 3 years..

Take Care

That is wonderful. I still hope that she will continue purging that old lifestyle. Keep living well and living by principle. Don't look too much into anything they do yet, the WS's and XWS's. But she is indeed moving forward in the right direction.

I would suggest not doing the romantic thing yet. If you choose to, let her pursue you some more. She knows what you said. Now see what happens. Let her bf love bust a whole lot. And you just be mysterious. She doesn't know what you are doing. Be busy sometimes. Let her know you have female friends. Don't elaborate though. Again, let her pursue.

But keep your options open. God has freed you of this stress now. Who knows what wonderful woman God has intended for you now. I am just saying this b/c it is easy to get sucked into the x/WS
s old routine because us BS sincerely did not want to see their families come apart as we followed mb solutions and approaches. We can't understand God's ways, but just be content knowing He is there and is slowly healing you from the inside out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

EC
I have read and re-read your post. I'm not quite sure what to make of everything. It's good that y'all were able to talk (for SOOO long, LOL) and get some things cleared a little bit. However, for some reason I'm having trouble buying everything she said. I don't want you to get hurt more by her using you in any way.

As for the court date you had last month about CS: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> exw read and compared what she had verses what I had and she was truly dumbfounded and apologized. Then she even challenged me to get the document filed with the court for further proof, so I believe her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will you do that - get the document filed with the court to check behind her?

Some of what she said sounds a little like self-righteousness on her part. EC, you know her because you were married for 20+ years! Don't let her say "you don't know me" like that and dismiss them so easily.

I've erased most of this post a couple of times now trying to get the wording right. I guess the bottom line is this: I am VERY happy for you that "the war is over" but I want you to guard your heart too. Only God can change someone and only He knows HER heart where true repentance is. I know you know this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Again, I'm trying to not be negative, I just want you to be cautious. If nothing else comes of this, "the war is over" should be good enough, right?

<small>[ March 02, 2003, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi EC,

Glad to hear that your finally at peace with your exW. I know it's been tough for you... and this indeed is a major breakthrough

IMHO, and not to take anything away from your 6 hour telephone conversation... I would not get too excited about her coming around and out of her fog as of yet.

She did ask you to go get yourself a girlfriend... that doesn't sound like the fog has lifted all that much.

I would keep it friendly though... maybe in time she will rethink what she stated.

She still appears to have quite a few issues to address before she will be able to make a real commmitment to you at this point... give it some time and see how it plays out.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

EC,

Your post showed something to me that we can't begin to know what's inside of someone elses' mind. I do and have done the same thing, making assumptions on how I think something happened or why, when maybe that's not the case at all.

I am with Avondale, guard your heart
d.

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Notpeachy:

I agree keeping at a distance as I've been doing is the best thing and stay mysterious. She is headed in the right direction, I feel like she was freed from the prison house and now has to walk out of the prison yard, I feel since current guy is a controller thats who's at the prison gate preventing her from total freedom, she's in bondage still but coming out, from what I gather I think she is afraid what he'll do to her if she leave's him therefore I think she is in a compromise state of mind, anybody that's answering and screening your personal cellphone, controlling what women you go around, obessive overprotectiveness, even after over 1 year I've known him to be around...I think he's the type "If I can't have you nobody can"...I'm sure he's thinking now that they got together out of deception and she allowed him to blast me, I'm sure he's worrying if she'll cheat on him now....One thing I found odd is exw who's been afraid of firecrackers and always protested for years about me and the girls popping them on 4th July and stayed in the house is now registered to take gun classes next week, go figure? Something has sparked some fear but don't know what, she was never into violent movies, etc..., but she says it's because of the city she lives in now and that she must protect herself ....may be true? I don't know, she don't live in the bad part of town...

Avondale -

I know some of her answers sound questionable and I will be getting the actual document from the court, not trying to prove her wrong but I have to order the CS mod papers again so I might as well get that one too, I feel she's trying to win my trust again, but we'll see in time. I am guarding myself and I will continue to be careful as before, it's just nice to have no more war, I have had a heavy weight lifted...

Wallace -

Thanks for the advice, I'm not expecting her to come around it was just the what if? Her telling me I should get a girlfriend I feel was more of a probe of [did I have a girlfriend?] or seeing who's in the picture. She still does have some issues to deal with, as far as understanding relationship principles she hasn't got there yet based on some other things she said, it's interesting to see her current guy deal with the same issues I had to deal with thats why she see's more and more, lots of what happened in the marriage had nothing to do with me...personally I think she still see's me as her escape route keeping the door open... At this point I'm not looking for any restored marriage issue, I'm looking for a restored friend...Once I place her in the same category as my business friends, as with them there is no romance or dates, generic conversations, no smooch kissing sound stuff...then I'll be ok...I joked around with her only because I know her, I found that humorous more than anything to think that was once your wife and now you can't really say those things,I had to get it out...but I won't be an OX going to the slaughter with it...

WGTT -

It's true things don't always mean what they appear to be, assumptions can work against you sometimes....making more of something than what it is getting you all worked up over nothing even causing you the embarrassment sometimes...

At this point between me and her, I haven't been expecting her to return but her to be restored. I said I would never go down that road with her the way she is or was, to make more than what this is would be a set back and take me backwards...

For her to apologize and want peace, I feel I can really move on and forward...No more War

Take Care

Hi EC,

I think you hit on something there.

With all that has happened between you and your exW... you will both probably need to learn to become close friends again.

You have the right attitude going into this... just don't let your expectations exceed what may be reality.

keep up the good work.

Stay Strong!

Wallace