Hmmm...
It's been a pretty good day with just a few tears, but not as many as I expected. I kept busy--went to the store, concentrated at work, that kind of thing. I got myself some flowers because I liked them. I called a friend, and I wrote in my journal. But I feel shaky...as if I'm living minute by minute. I guess I am!
I did a good job today when my stbxH contacted me...I said "no" twice! Once, he wasn't feeling good and wanted me to come over and I said "No. I feel like you are just using me to get what you want--like you can neglect me, but good old CJ will always be there if you need her. If you choose OW ahead of me, then it's their job to take care of you--if you want me to take care of you, then you need to treat me a whole lot better." I kept an even, calm tone of voice and just said that--kept it short.
Then later he wanted to know if I wanted to go out to dinner. I think it dawned on him that he was going to be alone on his anniversary! Anyway, I said "No thank you. The kids and I have already made plans for dinner." See? Short and sweet and to the point.
I'm sure he thinks he was being nice to me and I turned him down cold and b*tchy, but he will never have to live with the consequences of his choices to keep having affairs if I don't turn him down! He really will think that all he has to do is be the slightest bit nice to me and I'll fawn all over him!!
It's interesting the change a year can bring. One year ago today, I took the day off of work from my dream job (the job he convinced me to quit so I could work with him because I was safe trusting him) so that we could spend our anniversary together. Even if we didn't do anything "big" I thought it would be loving to spend the day together. Well, he ended up raging at me ALL DAY LONG--and by raging, I mean screaming in fury. By evening he was so out-of-control with anger that he burned my marriage books in the fireplace. Yep--set them on fire just because he knew they were valuable to me.
I KNOW I'm in a better place than that!!!!!!!!
That was one year ago today. And now, he is living in a studio/hotelroom, with nothing and no one; he's sick and no one is there to care for him or cook for him; and it's our anniversary and he's alone...but he prefers that and chooses that life over the loving home and life we built.
IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!!
Oh well. There's nothing I can do now except accept me (that was a grammatical trick, wasn't it?). I am short, and I will never be tall, long, lean or wispy. I am able to look you in the eye when you sit down. I have short little legs and small hands and feet--and someone will LOVE that I am short rather than call me ugly for it. I am also slighty overweight. I am soft and curvy--not sharp and angular. I give GREAT hugs and I am comfortable to lie against--and someone will love my softness and realize it is a GIFT not a curse. I am a passionate woman, and I enjoy the passion of eating: the taste, the smell, the texture on my tongue, the presentation, even sometimes the sound--all can combine to fill my senses! I am not a neat freak, and I will never iron my shirts and then hang them in color order in my closet or starch my underwear. I vacuum. I use comet and windex. I'm sanitary. There aren't piles of newspapers from 1972 in my living room. I just would rather spend time with people: talking, playing and paying attention to them. Someone will see that as a my greatest STRENGTH and not as something to yell at me about. Finally, I am usually late. Time is like fluid to me...it's all relative. I eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired, and stop playing outside when it gets dark. But invariably the business world/clock-keepers interrupt my fluid time and I'm late. It's not out of disrespect or need to control...I just am not ruled by time and sometimes I forget about it. Someone will see this as a wonderous trait to adore, and relish in the fact that I can stay up all night long and not notice it's been all night because it was so fun!
Oh...the musings of a madwoman on her last anniversary!
CJ
<small>[ March 11, 2003, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>
