Okay, this may be a long post but, please bear with me I really need some advice.

Me and my W have been Married for almost 6 years, have a 3 year old Daughter. My W has always been a very loving, careing, just perfect W. Sometimes almost to perfect. Well, close to our 5 year anniversary she just up and left, while I was at work she packed up took my daughter and left the state. I had no clue anything was even wrong, we did things together, slept together, everything normal up until I came home to an empty house. Come to find out my neighbors who we knew for about 2 weeks knew more about my marital problems that I did, they even helped her pack. Found out that her family and friends all knew more than I did. Obviously this destroyed me. I was about as close to the edge as I have ever been. About 2 weeks went by and I finally convinced her to come back home so we could work it out. We went to a MC and started to work out our issues, most of which I never even realized were issues. I realized I was making a lot of mistakes for most of our M. I understood why she did what she did and I was willing to change. I'm sure most of you know its hard to change some things without help. Everything seemed great for about 6 months, I thought I was doing great in my self improvments. Little did I know she closed up again and wasn't telling me that I was doing things that I was doing before. Every now and then I would catch myself and try to stop it. Anyway she decided to start planning her exodus again. Only this time our new babysitter, who we knew for about 2 weeks knew more about what was going on that I did. Let me back up a little bit to clear it up a little more. We were only seeing the MC for about a month and I got pulled away for 2 months, I'm a Marine and I couldn't get out of it. My biggest mistake when I got back I never got us back in to see the MC. The Marine Corps makes it a real pain in the butt to get those things started so I kept putting it off. Mostly because things seemed great. So she ended up moving out, stayed with the new babysitter for about 3 days, I got her to go see a Minister with me who helped me a lot in the first time she left. He convinced her to come back home but since she has she's talked more about filing the papers for D than fixing our problem. She refuses MC and is determined that it is over. I have the exact opposite view obviously. Our problems are so minor sompaired to most that I have read on here and heard about or seen and a lot of those have been able to work it out. It just seems like she dragging me along, she gives me hope, she tells me I can lay in the bed with her, she tells me I can go out and do family things with her and my daughter. Of course I do those things just hopeing that she will realize that we can work out our problems. We went out this past weekend and had one of the best days I think we have ever had. I felt so happy like we were going to get through this. Then about half way home she asked when we were going to finish the D paperwork. I almost crashed the car, it hit me so hard. Than yesterday she asked me if I would be mad if she went on a date with someone from work. Another bomb! It seems like everytime I feel hope she drops another one on me. I just don't know what to do. I want to make our M work so bad. I love my W more than anything. I just can't let go. I want my daughter to grow up in a happy home, with happy parents and I know we can be. She's still taying here with us, sometimes I feel like telling her to get out and quit screwing with my head. I just can't because I worry about what will happen to her. I worry constantly. I'm so scared that the time I do tell her to leave she will have been willing to work things out and I will blow it. So I've been just sitting here and waiting.. I feel like its a stareing match and I'm not one to give up on anything expecially my M. Sorry its so long. I'm sure I left something out too though. Thanks for any advice.

Dear Fault:

i hate to say this, but do you suspect a OM ? I know that there is too much infidelity going on the service because of spouses being away. Maybe it's just an EA, but if she's already asking for a "date" I would quess thatan EA already exist. This would account for her wanting the D & resisting MC. I strongly suggest that you ask her out right & try to get back to MC before it's too late. Good Luck..Remember "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"

"she asked me if I would be mad if she went on a date with someone from work. "

You cannot stop her from making the choice to behave as a single woman. However, to go along with her choice to behave as a single woman is to make her loose more respect for you. In fact, the more you bend backwards in the hope to save the marriage the more likely you will end up divorced. Appeasement only makes her look at you as weak and unattractive. I would recommend that you read the book "Love Must be Tough" by Dr.J. Dobson.

Thanks for the replys, I'm still learning these acronyms, not sure what EA is. I trust her more than I trust anyone in this world. That is my only weakness that I know of. Yea, I'm in the service but I havn't been apart from her for longer than 3 months in over 4 years. Usually just for a month or 2 at a time since then. Not to say it isn't possible. When she left the first time she did tell me that she was seeing another Man. I told her from my perspective that men are pigs.. ALL MEN ARE PIGS!! Especially when we see a woman in pain. Its like a shark in a pool of blood. I told her all he wanted was to take advantage of her pain to get into her pants. Then when she came back home I asked her exactly what happened. She told me that they only kissed and then he asked her for sex. Then she said she called it off because I was right.. Imagine that, call me psychic or something but I tent to be right a lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . But now she says there isn't anything going on, I still have some doubt especially since she is totally closed to me. Then she asks me about the date thing. I just don't want to believe it. Just so you know though, I told her I would never do that to her. Until I have a court order that says I'm no longer married I wouldn't even think about cheating on her. I also told her that it was morally wrong. She doesn't think so I guess..

<small>[ March 18, 2003, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: ItsMyFault ]</small>

IMF:

1st of all, realise it's not ALL your fault, OK?
Marriage is a 2 way street. You don't mention if any of it came up in counselling, but I'm pretty sure your wife is not perfect in the marriage either. No-one is. It's great that you can admit to the behaviour that you're guilty of, but it's also quid pro quo. The reason I'm saying this, is so you can change your mindset from the one which says you have to approach this point in your marriage from a position of "weakness", by being the "wrong" party in the marriage. This is BS (not betrayed Spouse), and you will surely lose your wife by adopting and maintaining this mental position.

I agree totally with TOMAZ: tough love is required. Stand firm.
Your present circumstance is almost EXACTLY what mine was about 2 years ago. Advice that was given to me at the time inluded: "...you're being a WUZ, throw her a$$ out!...."
Maybe I wouldn't go that far, but the principle is correct. You're ENABLING her behaviour, SOFTENING the immorality & betrayal aspect of her behaviour for her, making excuses FOR her, etc.,....
She cannot continue seeing this man, or any man, and continue sleeping in the same bed, etc., as if nothing is wrong. You are her ACCOMPLICE. Her present state of conflict is for HER to deal with. You be FIRM about what it is that you want, and what you will, and will NOT, tolerate. If she refuses to stop, or refuses to move out, move out yourself, if you cannot bring yourself to lock her out of the house.
Also, in her present "fog" state, she is capable of lying straight to your face, so assume that this "co-worker date", is nothing more than a cover-up for a date with OM. She may, in fact, have lied to you about the mere "kiss", and more may have happened. How do you know? So you think you're still her friend and confidente? Be careful. My guess would be, NOT so.

If you want to save your marriage, be prepared to suffer. I say suffer, because it isn't easy when you carry guilt of what it is YOU did wrong in the marriage, to be tough with your spouse. You feel her pain, and you want to make it up to her. Decide NOW, if you want to be her friend, or her husband. If you take the 1st option, I guarentee you will still be her friend after the divorce, because this is what WILL happen.....at great emotional cost to you. Much greater than the pain of being tough NOW. She's resorted to dating men because of her marital problems with you, isn't it? So she's FAR from perfect. Love has blinded you. Open your eyes and be assertive about what you want.

Maybe your military training will come in handy for the mental toughness required to follow the correct course of action from now on. Lots of sad stories result from people incorrectly applying "PLAN A" principles from MB, when PLAN B is really called for.

Your sit. is a PLAN B scenario. i.e., wife refuses / stops MC., continues to see OM, (dates?).
She's admitted to kissing him...what has she NOT admitted to? Please realise that this is NOT the woman you know. I'd hate for you to realise, 2 yrs down the line, that all this was true. Take some good advice. I didn't, and ended up losing her.

BTW,Proverbs warns of men who " take advantage of weak-willed women". Like you, I despise these scoundrels.

Get that book from TOMAZ's recommendation, "Love is TOUGH", and anything else useful along those lines. Read the PLAN B guidelines on MB website, continue with IC, and post here frequently for support.

EA= Emotional Affair, PA=Physical Affair
Be aware that your wife may or may not leave irrespective WHAT you do. If you "PLAN B", or follow tough love principles, you will be in a better emotional & mental position if it happens.

Get ready for battle, MARINE!
muzohead

muzohead:

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate all the help I've gotten from everyone on MB. Where do I find these Plan A and B things? This whole thing is just killing me because I have never been uncertine about anything before. I've never had a problem making a quick informed decision about anything and not standing by it. For some reason though, when it comes to my Wife and child and saving my marriage I just turn to putty.. I know I need to be firm. Its just real hard because I want custody of my Daughter if this does happen. She's already agreed to this. Obviously with the current world situation I could be sent off to war at any moment. I just can't bear the thought of being taken to the other side of the world and leaving these problems behind. Not only for my own wellbeing but, the wellbeing of my Wife and Child. No matter what she has or hasn't done I will always love her. I just don't think she is mentally capable of taking care of my Daughter either. I just wish she would wake up!

I have been dealing with the same attitude from my H. All I can say is you can't make them see what they are doing because they don't want to see. I have made an idiot out of myself since he left and called and begged and pleaded, I showed him how little respect I have for myself. I gave him 15 years and 8 children and it was easy for him to just walk away. I don't know the person that I am dealing with now, the man I married is dead to me, that is why I am grieving then I can move on with my life for the kids. Concentrate on you right now and what type of relationship you and your child can have together and let her go, i know its hard but that is was everyone keeps telling me and it seemed to have worked for them.

mommax8:
I understand what you are saying, before I red that though I realized that I was doing that. Its pretty much stopped. I still tell her how much I love her and that I won't just give up on her. Things changed pretty drastically yesterday. She wrecked her car into a tree.. I was so happy she wasn't hurt. I was real surprised she called me, especially called me first! Then when I got there I called 911 and it too them about 4 hours to show up. Good/Bad. She wasn't hurt so it wasn't too bad cause we had all that time together to talk. I still don't get the feeling like she wasn't to make up though. I'm getting the feeling like she just wants me to pay to fix her car. We'll see though, I'm takeing next week off work and I told her she could use my truck to get to work and back. I was thinking though of telling her to quit treating me like her lap dog. I need to know if its OVER or not. If its OVER than that it. I don't wanna help her anymore. I'm just tired of pouring my heart out to her and getting crushed in return. I just don't know how I should go about telling her without blowing my top. Some guidence would really help and I would appreciate it.

All I can tell you is to turn the tables on her. Do the opposite of what she would expect you to do. I did this to my H and he just got very quiet. He expected for me to just curl up in corner and die. I have showed him how strong I have become, how independent I have become and that I can live without him. If she is using you as a doormat and you are letting her she will continue to do it. You need to give her a shock of something that she wouldn't expect. I think in the previous posts someone had suggested the book Love must be tough, by Dr. James Dobson. I could not recommend that enough. I don't promote divorce but I do promote self-preservation and you have to stick up for yourself as a person of worth and that you deserve dignity and respect. She is taking for granted that you will always be there to pick up the pieces the reason for the first one she called when she wrecked. Who would she have called if you were not so accessible?? I know it is difficult because there is a child involved but you need to just concentrate on you and the child and let her go, if not literally at least emotionally, just for your own well being. I hope I made some sense, I am quite new to this myself but I am surviving something I never thought I could. God Bless

I cringed when you wrote how much you trust your W. I NEVER suspected my H of ever being dishonest to me in any way. Now I know that I was almost too trusting? Too bad, but it can happen. I think Mom is right, turn the tables. Stop being a doormat and stand up for what you want and deserve. Your W needs to decide what she wants...but never at your expense.

Only 3 months away??? That's a long time in my book. Long enough to live without your spouse & create a "new" life for yourself. Your W needs you to be strong...YOU need to be strong....
WE ALL KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THAT IS WHEN YOUR HEART IS BREAKING & YOUR WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN, BUT IT WILL MAKE THINGS BETTER..I PROMISE.