ok, give you some background, H is a alcoholic was in recovery 12 years began drinking again this past summer, drove with kids in car drunk, he was in treatment for one month but doc gave him all sorts of meds which he in turn abused them too, he wrecked with my kids ended up in a detox for 3 days then left the state on mar 3 and I haven't seen him since. He is still taking the medications and is not seeking any type of counseling, he is cruel and mean to me if he does call. we have been married 15 years and 8 kids. He says he wants a divorce yet does not have the money to pay for it. He wants me to take his stuff and put it in storage. I feel he should have to hire someone to do that. I have every emotion going on hurt, anger, grief. this was my best friend and now I don't even know who I am talking to. my dilema is should i allow him to talk to the kids and telling them that it was all my fault and that is why he abandoned us??? I don't know what to do.....

“””He says he wants a divorce yet does not have the money to pay for it.”””

I guess I’m curious as to what you want. Are you looking to reconcile or are you leaning towards divorce?

“””He wants me to take his stuff and put it in storage.”””

I totally agree with ya on this one, if he wants it packed up he can hire someone to do it. But I don’t think I do anything without first consulting an attorney.

“””my dilema is should i allow him to talk to the kids”””

No matter what my X did, I would of and never did not allow phone contact. Our marital problems were ours and if she chose to share her opinion with the kids, I had nothing to hide, and I allowed them to make their own judgments. Of course you will have to weigh the emotional consequences on the children. I personally felt that the emotional damage caused by no contact was greater than by negative contact. Plus, in my case, it definitely led to some very heart warming conversation with my girls.

“””and telling them that it was all my fault and that is why he abandoned us???”””

I’m curious as to why you think he would do this?

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

it was not an easy 15 years, never should have stayed together as long as we did, but we made it. Their has been EA on both sides but we both decided that we are going to make it work no matter what. He says it is all my fault because I yell at him and belittle him all the time, I accept my faults in our marriage, I am willing to let him go, but he just abandoned us with no warning and I don't know why he refuses to talk to me and is very cold, he has never treated me this way in all of the years we were married. He has left me with all the bills, he is staying with his parent's and has no responsibilities at all, not a care in the world..he is getting no counseling and has only spoke to his kids twice since 3/03. I will take your advice about talking to the kids. I have consulted with an attorney and I don't have the money for the retainer either. I do not know what I want right now, I am so hurt and angry I am just taking it a day at a time and praying alot.

mommax8

My heart goes out to you.....

My husband did the same thing moved to his parents, pretty much deserted our kids. His reasons were such that he would have more monies to play with , be a kid and have no responiblities at his mom/dads as they simply looked the other way so that he could have his fun/entertainment and totally regressed into his high school years, out dating, homing home drunk,etc. Anyways, it's like he returned back to unresolved trauma of his childhood with his parents.

At one point I got so annoyed with his immature behaviors that I phoned his father and said why don't you love your son from your heart, resolve the wounds you created in the first place as opposed to wasting all our time, energies. We have enough casulaties and grandchildren shouldn't have to pay the price for the wrongdoings as result of your own family dynamics.

I am wondering if you and your children are receiving counciling/support. Since your spouse refuses to be responible.

I can't imagine your tremendous pain you and your children are hurting/suffering. You have awesome responibilities to handle and deal with. You formost are worthy human being who is a woman, a person and has needs, to be treated with respect, dignity, maturity and understanding.

Everyone, has there up's and down's in marriage. We all say at one time something inappropiate.

Important thing is that you and your kids are receiving love, support and lots of nuturing...

The laws in the land will protect you and your children.

Hugs

I wanted to respond to your feeling of wanting to take all the blame. Your husband like mine chose to be an alcholic-- these are all typical classic behaviors of alcholics, they want instant escape, they don't know how to maturely deal with life responibilties and do not want to do the emotional work of dealing with thier OWN past baggage.

You may want to draw a boundry line forself that you will not take on your H or his family of orgin issues.

Truth probably is that he is projecting all his negative unresolved garbage on to you. Those feelings he throws at you are probably how his father treated him/mother and siblings for years which never got resolved.

My STBX couldn't even pack his belongings either. So I did end up putting all his stuff in the garage and left it there for 6 months until he had the decency to pick it up. And he did as I refused to play the immature game.

He too, was cold and distant because of his deviant behaviors. He derived alot of support at the bars with his bitter men's club who too, dumped their wives, kids...but forgot to tell him of all the sorrow and mess they made of thier lives, and families.

The way I look at it my WS instigated the divorce with his affairs, alchol problems in the first place and left much of the divorce process handling to me. I wasn't going to tolerate his immaturity, irresponibilities and bad intolerant behaviors. They seem to lack understanding of what unconditional love is all about which is two people having mutual respect for one another. Not one person having their own selfish way.

Took me awhile to get the retainers fees as he left me with alot of debt. Best thing I could have done as he needed to face reality of his responibilties/obligations.

The faster you can attain legal help and protection for you and the children the better.

My alcholic WS has gone unfortunately from bad to worse but it's wiser to let them go if they want to.

{{{{mommax8}}}}

As you can see from my signature line, my STBXH is also an alcoholic who was sober for many years, started drinking, and then abandoned me and the six teenagers who were living here at the time. He didn't got to his parents, though, he left 2+ years ago with a young MOW 27 years younger than he is and they've been partying ever since. I understand the hurt, anger, and grief of losing your best friend, as well as the cruel accusations. He left me with a business to run instead of 8 kids, but either way, you and I both have our hands full.

I only have one piece of advice, and I can't say it strongly enough, GO TO AL-ANON. It has saved my life. There are no easy answers to any of your questions. In Al-Anon they say, "when in doubt, don't." Give yourself time, don't do anything that doesn't feel right. Get some help for yourself, that's the best way to help your kids.

Take care.

I thank you all for your word of encouragement, I filed for divorce today and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I spoke with my H yesterday and he tells me it is hard for him to hear my voice but he still loves me in spite of myself. I have no idea what his intentions are I told him I was going on with my life. He still blames my yelling and screaming at him as the entire problem and does not look at his responsibility in this marriage at all. I find it very heartbreaking and sad as he sits in a house all day, no money, no friends, no vehicle, and no wife and kids anymore and he sees that this is the best thing to do. Maybe someday he will wake up but I can't wait around anymore. I am 32 years old with 8 children, I feel like my life began the day he walked out on us. I have no more fear of what he will do, or what he has done. There is no more tension, screaming or yelling. My children and I will get through this one day at a time. Each day gets easier and I thank God he holds my hand through each day.

mommax:

You have alot going on & I will 100% honest with you it will probably get worse before it gets better.
I too loved my H & thought he was my best friend. Over the past 2 years I have really dug deep & looked at my marriage. It wasn't as great as I thought it was...he was always selfish, but "I" choose to let it go.
The key here is "I" or "YOU".
MOM...YOU and only you know what makes you really happy. I thought I'd die without my H, but the more I thooght about how he treated me I would rather die than be with him.

Think about you & your family...Write down what you like about your life, your marriage & your H. Be honest with yourself.

Realize that you can make it on your own if you need to be. I thought I'd go crazy being single & alone. It sucks sometimes, but it's better knowing that I am not with a man who doesn't care about me as much as I care about him.

How old are your kid's? My best friend is 28 with 6 & her H just left her...GOD BLESS YA!