My Husbands parents and sister came to visit on the weekend and we are now not talking to eachother. He turns into such a jerk when his parents are around, he becomes rude and puts me down, its like he is angry with everybody. We have had problems with his mother which were unresolved. I let any annomoisity go this weekend with her and I was so good to them and treated them so well I deserve a medal! My H on the other hand played avoidance, thought it would be a perfect time to do some gardening while I sat and entertained them..grrr. The big problem was that he started to be very rude to me. He totally emberassed me and I know made them feel uncomfortable as well. He yelled at me, he swore at me, put his digs in which were put downs, told me I was a bi***, told me to F***right off, and to f**in leave him alone. I couldn't believe it! I could do no right and he made sure to get mad at me for anything wrong I did. He really hurt me with the things he said. He used to be quite verbally abusive but has gotten better until this last weekend. The problem is that he just doesn't see it, he turns it all around and says that he can hardly stomach me when we are around his parents. I can't believe he would say these things. I mean its one thing to disagree with someone and be angry with thier actions, its another to put them down and say such hurtful things. I tried to calmly talk to him this morning, he got so steaming mad at me for that, he started banging things, slamming the doors etc.. I started to cry my eyes out, I couldn't believe he could do this to someone he says "he loves". How do I open his eyes to his anger. Even when he turns it around on me, I say "tell me what is making you so angry, tell me what it is that makes you feel so bad about me" I loose so much respect for him when he is like this and over the years the abusive words and name calling and immitating has eaten away to me and have caused permanent damage to my feelings for him. He just doesn't get it. Do I have to leave him to get it through his head? <BR>Thanks for listening.

Hey there Fed Up,<P>Wow, don't respond to you in a week or so and this happens - Yikes!<P>Ummmmm, lets see, where to start! I guess, I am trying to put myself in your situation and knowing a little more about it. I would write him a letter (no discussion) and let him know "exactly" how he made you feel with his disrespectful comments and remarks. It was uncalled for in my thoughts. I know you have been battling this and have wanted to work on your marriage and without much help from him. This is hard for me because I am a true believer in the Plan A. I do believe though there comes a time in letting the spouse know, honestly and directly, that you love them and will work on things yourself, but should not be treated that way. I seem to remember in Dr. Harleys Q & A columns (actually it is from the Infedility columns and I believe it is appropriate here) the quote that said <P>"Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse <P>I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument. <P>By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her. <P>What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive. <P>I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!" <P>What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all." <P>To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love.""<P>Now granted this has nothing to do with you having an affair but I do think it applies to you telling him directly that you love him and will not be treated that way by someone you love. I hope (I am still learning!) this is ok advice. Who knows? What do you think? <P>I feel for you! I know you are working hard at your relationship and the two of you seem to go back and forth out of withdrawal. I am really not sure if he is in withdrawal or just doesn't care. Be careful and no LBing and good luck.<P>I will keep you in my prayers and let me know. <P>

Hey myohmy,<BR>I'm very glad to hear from you. I had a horrible weekend. Well I did end up talking to him, wrote about 10 letters before that and then told him that we have to sit down and talk. I told him that he has crossed the line and that it is alright to disagree with me respectively, or be angry with me in a respectful manner but not alright to put me down, immitate me or belittle me. I told him that what he had said really hurt me and that it doesn't go away, that I can't be with someone who talks to me that way. Well, he tried to turn it around and make it my fault, saying that he does this when I am on him about something and he doesn't want to talk about it and it just makes him so mad that he doesn't think about what he's saying. I tried to explain to him that I never know when the right time is to come to him, b/c there never is a right time for him to talk about things b/c he would rather sweep it under the rug. I told him even if I made him so mad there is no reason I should be put down like that. I told him that I could never imagine talking to you that way. Well, I ended up having to ask for an apology which really bothers me. <BR>We ended up making up, not till last night though. Things like this just brings us right back to the beggining and it just seems like it takes so much effort to make this work, it feels like I'm beating my head against a brick wall sometimes. <P>This weekend my girlfriend is coming in from out of towm and i'm going out with her, I am anticipating there may be few squabbles as he does not like me going out with just the girls. So I'm crossing my fingers nothing will happen. <BR>Tell me how you have been. How are things going? Have you made any more prorgress?<BR>Thanks for replying, I'm glad we are keeping touch, it really helps. I hope things are improving with you. <BR>Reply back soon!<BR>

Hey there Fed Up,<P>Sorry, had a real busy week! Well, so now that a week has passed how has it been? How did he respond? How did he try to turn it around on you? I can only speak from experience. He is acting very controlling. I know because even to this day, I catch myself doing it. I don't look at myself (until much later) as the reason for the blowup, argument or being upset and try to turn it against her saying it was her fault. WRONG!!!!!! I do have to step back and see what I do and how wrong I am. I usually spend the rest of the day saying I'm sorry. It still isn't right. I do it, I think, to get my way. I don't like being wrong and is hard to look at myself in doing so. I am sorry he won't say he is sorry. It, I have found, to be really good for the soul! I've been wrong for too long.<P>How was your weekend with your girlfriends? Hope you have a good time without worrying! My story seems to be getting better. We have had a few blowups this last month. I am no longer looking for an apology from her. I think I would like one but won't ask for one any more. I want to forgive her and know this will be the only way. I felt or even feel like I dip into withdrawal every now and then. I get this I just don't care anymore feeling and it lasts for about a day and changes the next. She has made a much better effort so it has been nice. She has also made comments lately about trying harder but is scared of me pushing too much. I have done so in the past and have learned now to back off and let her come out on her own. Soooo, it's been pretty good! I don't know if this is the withdrawal stage breaking down or what but am liking it. I still have to do no LBing and am still learning from her LB's I am doing that are new to me. So I have lots and lots to work on. <P>Well, let me know how it's going and how you've been!

Hi <BR>good to hear from you. Sounds like you guys are improving, thats so good. I can understand how hard it is not to hear the apology, I hope in time she will give that to you so you can let go of this. I feel like I do the same thing, dipping back into withdrawl every now and then, it makes things difficult. <BR>Well I'm kind of upset this morning, this was the weekend that I was putting on a dinner and dance at the hall. So friday I went out to do some set up and I came back around 1 hour later then I said I would. He got so upset with me, yelled at me etc, even though his last words were when I left the house - don't hurry back. I was wrong to be so late but its not like he has never done it before. So I decided I will not argue, said I am so sorry, your right I shouldn't have done that etc., well he held it against me the rest of the night and the next day, and I think he is still sort of mad about it. So we went to the party on saturday and I did end up dancing with some other guys (friends of ours) only fast ones, and I think it got to him, even though I danced with him alot. I didn't say anything until the next day. He said "i should of went home early, I 'm really tired now, but I couldn't of left my wife there..she would of been mauled ...and you would of loved that too" It irked me so much! I told him smarten up, don't start getting like this, he replies "truth hurts". I told him that is not the truth! That is not how I feel. I can't believe it! He tells me he trusts me and then he says things like this, so I know he totally doesn't, and he thinks that I want to cheat on him. <BR>The thing that got me this morning is that he "tells" me he is going fishing tommorow and golfing the next night, doesn't ask me if its okays, just tells me, even though I had made plansto go golfing tommorow for ladies night which he conveniently forgot. It just bothers me that he just tells me he's going out, doesn't know when he's coming back, and I have to "ask" if its okay to go out, its crap!<BR>So I am debating if I should talk to him about his jelous comment tonight or not. It really bothers me! Maybe I should just let it go, I don't know though. I can tell he is still upset with me, b/c he is withdrawn and silent and it is so hard for me to just let this go. <BR>Went on for a bit here, sorry. I hope things keep improving with you, its a hard road I know. Take care<BR>