Hi Jen,

I wanted to take this off the other thread...

Just from the few posts I've read about your situation, it seems that you are frustrated that your H is not making a decision about whether to work on your marriage or not. It sounds like you have done alot of things on your part to make coming back to the marriage more appealing for him. I can't tell you when the right time is to throw in the towel. It's true, though, you can't live in limbo forever.

I also sense your frustration at being faced with the decision to initiate the divorce yourself and living with additional stigma on top of being a FWS. However, I have a few suggestions that may help.... If you decide that your marriage is not salvageable, do nothing. Refuse your H sex. Also refuse your companionship unless he will agree to do it in public, where friends/family/other women may congregate. Don't let him treat YOU as the mistress. In the meantime, make very sure your behavior is impeccable. That means no dates or anything that could be construed as one. The goal here is to get your H frustrated enough to find someone else and divorce you OR treat you with respect. A win-win situation either way.

Don't be upset if he does find someone else at this time. That's ok as long as he's not getting you simultaneously. The quicker he finds someone else,the quicker he will decide he wants to be free to be with them, which is fine. If the goal here is to get him to divorce you, then this is just part of the process.

If you can resist the urge to date other people for awhile, I can almost guarantee that he will break and file for divorce before you will. He's already convinced himself that he has the moral high ground here, and it won't be that much more of a stretch for him to convince himself that he should find someone new ASAP--if he hasn't already. That's fine. Just stay strong. Hang out with your female friends. Find a new hobby. Do some volunteer work. Do whatever you have to do to stay busy. Eventually he will divorce you, and that will be one less social stigma you have to deal with later down the road.