I have been doing ok..moving on with my hectic life. Work has been stressful, and have been struggling with another issue-- a coaching issue with my 2nd oldest daughter. If that wasn't stressful enough..I get a phone call last night from my ex brother-in-law.

I haven't heard from him, or anyone in his family since Christmas. Anyway, he called me to ask if I had heard about the big 50th anniversary celebration they were planning for my ex's parents. We had been talking about it for years--well, of course I haven't heard anything about it. The jist of the conversation was that I was definitely not invited, my ex H was adament about that, he said. My BIL said that his parents were so torn and said--but the bottom line is that they want my 4 kids there. What a slap in the face...I woke up last night--and could not get back to sleep thinking about this whole situation. It really sucks!!

This is the same family I have loved and supported for 25 years and they aren't even going to send me an invitation. It really hurts. I don't know quite how to respond--probably won't have a say in the matter. They live up in Maine--
I am sure my ex will have it all worked out.

Interesting that two of his brothers don't want to stay in the same place as my Ex because they don't want their kids affected by his behavior and drinking.

My response to my BIL is who is going to watch after the welfare of my kids when there? Who will protect them from his temper tantrums and drinking? Obviously his OW won't stand up to him.

The whole situation makes me sick....Oh well....my BIL said that "Patty--the best thing that has happened to you was the divorce last May. At least you have a chance to find happiness." Then how come my life still feels like such a disaster?

Sorry for the ranting...I am just so disappointed and hurt today. Still don't have a computer at home...so don't have access like before...hope everyone is doing well....Pat

(((((((((((((pat))))))))))))))

I know how much this must hurt. The WS's and X's seem to revel in hurting us sometimes. Is HE planning and paying for this whole she-bang so that he has final say over the guest list?????

What a guy!!! These are the times I close my eyes, say a silent prayer, and then say..."what goes around, comes around..."

Who wants to party with ENABLERS anyway? My outlaws wanted me, along with stbxh to go to my OLD HOUSE I BUILT WITH JETHRO, DREAM HOUSE, on Christmas day to open presents, so long as I could "just put all of it behind me".

Nope. I wasn't gonna sweep the sin under the rug. No maam.

I said thank you but I have plans...at home. .I watched tv and called MY RELATIVES. That was much better anyhow. Let my x explain why Id idn't come. I am sure it was lies anyway. The "we grew apart and are friends' lie.

(((((((((((((((((((Patty))))))))))))))))))))))))

Those triggers hurt. period.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Interesting that two of his brothers don't want to stay in the same place as my Ex because they don't want their kids affected by his behavior and drinking.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Interesting

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My response to my BIL is who is going to watch after the welfare of my kids when there? Who will protect them from his temper tantrums and drinking? Obviously his OW won't stand up to him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe they can stay with BIL. Just kidding. sorta.

Let Go and Let God - ask Him what do about this, how He wants you to see this.

Blessings,

D.

((((((((MNM))))))))---I know this stings. (It stung me when I just read it) BUT how much fun could that party be for you?

I don't think I could be with all my WS's relatives all at one time. It would put me on overload....(of course, most of them are alcoholics). As a sober former partner, you do need to THINK this through and make a decision about your children what will benefit them and give you a sense of serenity. If going is important for them, then they should go. If their safety is more important, they should not go. Hard decisions but none the less painful.

I am having the same moving-along-feelings when the separation/loss of my whole life just seemed to hit me from behind. Work through those feelings and let your true feelings work for you. You can find answers and now have a way of life that is healthy. Don't be pulled into the drinkers' games. Rise above it all.

Isn't it great to have this board to let this stuff out.

Praying for you,
TW

What a mess!
Last friday my parents had their 50th wedding anniversary. It was planned to be a large party with the whole family (mostly exH's, cause we don't have a lot of relatives) like his grandparents had just before our wedding.
But...there is no family now, I am the only child and I don't have enough money to make something special, so we went to the restaurant and had a dinner: them, my daughters and me. I was so sad.
But after 3.5yrs of no contact with my parents, exH sent them a greeting card what made my mother cry a lot, she loved him so much, like a son, almost more than me, and that evening he was at his (our) house alone, cause his new wife and baby were for a week with her family.
I wonder if he, just for a minute, was sorry for not being with us. Probably will never know.
In 5yrs his parents will celebrate, we'll se what will they do.
I know i'll be sorry if not invited. Like you said, they were my family for 22yrs.

love
D

Pat,

Thinking of you...

Thanks everyone,

I am amazed at how sad a divorce situation continues to be. It really affects so many lives, and is a tragedy for all.

I don't think I would attend this party, even if I had been invited...but the fact that they won't invite me...speaks volumns to me. How very sad.

I am amazed they don't see the trouble their son is in...guess they really can't address it. Don't want to break their bubble of their wonderful son.

I think the gathering will be a stressful time for that family--and could be a mistake for my kids to be there. I think I am going to try to schedule them into a camp or something for that weekend--maybe summer school.

I don't feel comfortable sending them for a number of reasons...I don't want anyone to be able to justify an immoral relationship that caused the devastation it has in this family....I know he would like nothing better for everyone to just accept and go on...but it shouldn't be that easy. The kids shouldn't be exposed to his temper, drinking--altho--he may be able to keep that under control...who knows? They shouldn't be exposed, especially when I am not there to intervene. His OW has shown that she won't...and I don't know if I trust anyone in his family to stand up to him.

The other part is hurt and anger on my part. I have loved and supported that family for 25 years--why should I send my kids up there? Have they been supportive of us these past 2 years---I sure haven't seen it. The whole situation is beyond me....I am amazed at their lack of love, and concern for us.

Sing, how are things going for you....I can't get on very much here at work...hope you are doing ok

WGTT, How are you doing too...have things settled down a little?

broken X 3,
You are so right...this does continue to hurt. It is hard to not become callosed because of all the hurt. He called me last night--has been calling with messages with a situation that is occuring with my daughter. Sounds like he wants to be my friend---but then turns around and stabs me in the back to whoever will listen. Who needs a friend like that. Yuck...hurts tho.

notpeachyinga,
Everyone does want you to just sweep it under the rug. Trouble is that it is hard to do after so many years. My life has still been pretty much turned upside down....I don't know where I am at this point. It is definitely not fun!!!

tossedwave,
Thanks for your prayers and post. I wouldn't feel comfortable there either....although it would be fun to see him squirm a little. Maybe I should drive the kids up there---stay with his brother's family...and just not attend. Wow, would that be a statement!! How are you doing?

Have to get back to work....thanks everyone!! Pat

MNM---thanks to God, I am doing remarkable well. Thanks for asking. Never thought I would be where I am right now and enjoying it. Love my apartment and the hours of serenity. This is the first time I have not lived with a drinking person in my entire life so it is very much the way to live. It is amazing and peaceful and fun.

I still have moments of sadness and tears but they are far and few between. They are not so debilitating anymore either.

My WS's family are not capable of caring for others....they can hardly care for themselves so I expect nothing from them and it is very freeing. Never had a real close relationship with any of them anywhere so it is probably easier for me than you.

Keep moving forward and enjoy your kids,
TW

Dear Tossed Wave,

It is nice not having to deal with the alcoholism and the situations that arise from it. It is nice just having to deal with all the other issues of life without dealing with the unpredictablility of a drinking spouse.

I still feel the emptiness of a "whole" family tho--and miss that alot. Guess it just takes more time.

Will life ever be normal again...I don't know...maybe someday this will become my new "normal".

Well, I had better get to work...am missing a retirement dinner this evening <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> because I have to stay here and get some IEPs written...Yuck!!! I hate this time of year. Take Care Pat

MNM, I think when I feel sadness and tears it is for the emptiness of living without a "family". Isn't it weird to give your whole life to kids and husband and then just get discarded for no good reason? I feel like I should have been rewarded for all my toil with a family oriented activities in my older years. I guess I should not complain cause my kids make me feel special and when we get together is it awesome and so much fun. And I am sure when I have grandchildren, the joy of togetherness will bless me.

Oh well----when life gives you lemons, you have to make lemonade.

TW

Dear tossedwave,

It is awful to feel that "tossed out" feeling. I too have wonderful kids and know that they love me....but our family unit has been changed forever.....and I find that so sad.

I know the kids are really feeling it too....2 Easters, weekend visits....having to schedule and inform 2 parents in different locations of everything.

The sad part about that is this chasm will always be there for us now. I know we are supposed to accept, forgive and move on.....but the reality of this mess is so sad. I really hate divorce. This is not what I wanted for me or the kids...and it is not why I loved and supported him through all these years. I am still amazed how he has written me out of his life.....I don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror. But, it really isn't my concern anymore.

At least I don't have to deal with him anymore--nor would I ever want to--well...it is almost 9--and I am leaving work finally...time to get home. Take Care Pat

MNM--- I just posted this on another thread but it is all I know about the way some men think.

Some men have a great capacity for denial and self deception. Because they departmentalize everything in their minds, they can actually not see or think about what they don't want to. When I asked my WH how he could be with OW one minute, then come home to me a half hour later, he said that he would just detach from me. So that is the only explanation that I can understand about all this.

I hate divorce, too, and I did everything in my power to stay married----which was causing me great duress and emotional exhaustion. I do not understand why I did not see a long time ago that my H was never going to be willing to act married. He does truly struggle with remorse now and even cries when I visit but he is so powerless to change anything. That is what baffles me.

I must admit though I never thought I would be doing so well right now and I am thanking God for all his help.

Hope you get out from under this present pain and keep on keeping on. WE CAN DO IT. I do not think anyone's life is exactly the way they want it.

TW

Pat,

How are you? Thought of you with all the storms going through, were there any close to Warrensburg? Did you and the kids take cover in the basement? We did Saturday night, they had seen funnel clouds inthe area so the base sirens went off!!!

My 2 cents about the anniversary, if you want to go and pass your wishes on and can be comfortable in that situation and hold your head high then go!!! Let them be the ones that are uncomfortable. It is his situation and the things that he has done that makes him uncomfortable!!!!

There is a good thread over on the recovery board about how wayward spouses allow this to happen to their marriage, very long but makes a great deal of sense.

Take care, C ya Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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