Well...8 months later, I finally get asked out by a half-way decent guy. I am currently sitting on a 30-day mandatory reply I am supposed to give to my LA stbxh, who will be getting an auto divorce practically on May 8 (my deadline to reply). I am not sure if I am supposed to get a lawyer to respond reguarding getting titles out of each other's names, etc. or if that comes after this. And this is really pathetic of me, but I have handed it to my mom to figure it out and handle, because I have a chronic skin condition that flares with stress...and I am loosing insurance and thus meds for it...so..

But to the point...with all this, and being very sad about my situation and the loss of my h, I found myself shocked about how excited/giddy I felt when this guy called. And we went out..and it was fun. The first night, he set it up so we'd have dinner alone and then hang out with his friends. The second time, he came over here, and we were alone all night...I kissed him that night. Every other night, he has been setting up for us to hang out with his friends, too... He is impeccably hard to read. I don;t know what I want from this guy, and I have been fair in telling him about my situation, and my uncertainties. But all I really want to do is be alone with him and do a lot of making out.... is that terrible? I guess it's cause I've been untouched for 8 months and haven't felt appricated or attractive for much longer...I am a VERY passionate and affectionate type person. But this guy... he doesn;t "fold" as easy as every other guy I've ever dated. He doesn;t push the limits...he doesn;t even take what I offer. He seems to love me kissing him, etc. but he never makes the first move for some good, long kissing...just a peck here and there, and only when we're 3hrs + into our date.
I don't know...it's frustrating me like crazy, but on the same note, I am glad he is differant from other guys I have experienced...and even though I am DYING for affection (I am not initiating sex..for a little while...just above the clothes fun) I want to stay in the game just because he IS differant.
Sorry to ramble..and I know this hardly pertains to any catagory in this site...but I am nearing the end of my divorce, and I guess I wanted to update yall and see what yall thought...Thanks.

P.S.
Please continue to pray for me and my stbxh. Guidance, health, finances...I need help everywhere...and esp. to guard my heart without turning cold.

He's a CHALLENGE. I wish I was him!!! LOL. He might be doing it by accident, but some guys do it on purpose... to drive you NUTS. Go to AskMen.com and read up about CHALLENGE. Very interesting topic. The basis of it is to leave the woman hanging and wanting more. <winks> Seems to be working whether intentional or not.

Be aware though that you're probably rebounding. Rebounds suck for both people when they end because of their intensity... so be careful.

I've been reading on this topic and I think that is why many women develop crushes on me. I don't act like most guys who immediately hit on anything that walks. This behavior is not intentional in my case, and I have friends who tell me that many women are attracted to me without my even noticing.

The system says that you need to keep this behavior up in order to keep the woman's interest. One of my Ex-W's complaints was that she didn't know me...

I think that I did start letting her walk all over me and wasn't the challenge I was.

I think the theory is good in the early stages of a relationship, but some give and take is necessary. I think it is best to be challenging enough not to be taken for granted, but not so challenging that you are unreachable.

Definitely an interesting series of articles...as far as male BS's are concerned, it says to never take back a cheater.

Bought The System... I figured that I'd be a social retard when I decide to try and be social in real life again.

The basis of it all isn't to just find someone special but to maintain and grow it. They make a big deal out of Challenge because, as they say, and I agree... it's a concept that's totally missed out on in all of the other "relationship pop-psyche" books. There's a fine distinction between being a challenge and flirtatiously allowing someone to tease the "real" you out... and setting boundaries with your spouse. I wish I had your problem... lol. The other parts of the "male" aspect are self-control and commitment.

Anyways, I'm the kind of guy you'd see at a party or whatever watching, occassionally listening to a specific conversation, and not really getting involved. It get really shy around women, especially if I find them attractive.

It does say to never take a cheater back on the website. In the book it says there are certain conditions where you need to look deep down inside of yourself and make the decision you need to make... I suppose we're all here because we made that decision or else we'd be on the Recovery chat.

Know what you mean...I'm sort of like you.

If I'm at a party, I don't really become the center of attention. I stand on the sidelines too. I'm not into putting on shows. I'm one of those people who doesn't need people, and others realize it. The thing is, many times, women will notice the guy who isn't making a complete donkey of himself in front of everyone. That's the woman who will be intrigued and will pursue you.

I'm an attractive guy, and I know this because I have been told this many times from many different sources...that might help my style, since I don't get out and attempt to meet people.

I also get shy around the ones I'm attracted too, but this is part of the system...if you've ever seen "A Beautiful Mind", there is a scene that sort of goes over this. It will intrigue women when they find that attention is given elsewhere.

Really, I think the main lesson to learn from the System is not to become a whipped pup who caters to his woman's every need. I think that is what happened to me, and once you reach that stage, there is no return...

Just my thoughts...

Hahaha,

Well whether it is true or not, I agree. I was always a very side line type of person. I was more open and up front at work, however outside work, at partys and such, I was always typically quiet and reserved.

My wife was constantly telling me that her friends were attracted to me. She said that there was something about me that all of them said was attractive, but they couldn't figure out exactly what it was. I am a very confident guy, and never felt that I needed to be out in the middle of the room. I would usually just hang back and talk with whoever approached me.

She on the other hand was the three drinks, dancing on the table kind of person. The kind who gets all the guys attention.

I guess there is no wonder why we didn't stay together. I was calm, collected, and confident. She was outgoing, scattered, and needed constant attention in order to feel whole.

heh heh heh... I was looking at the website Askmen.com and saw that system there. I have been wondering what it was about. I guess before I go and buy it, I just need to go out a few times and see if the 'just me' is enough to generate any interest. I haven't been on a date in 14 years, since I was 20. And wow, do I have some changes to make in how I went about meeting women. No more college classes and college parties of 200 people...

Tell me more about this system...

It's been 6 years since I've dated. The notion of dating again makes me want to crawl back in bed. I thought, "Hmmmm... I bet there are some books about dating and especially after divorce..." Not that I'm ready... more like "baby steps". Plus, it'll be some time before the divorce is over and I don't even want to pass the "hanging out as friends" thing till the dv is granted.

So, I've been reading... and have noticed that a lot of the authors of these books are either divorced... never married... gay... or have other issues. The System was interesting to me because of the Challenge aspect. It was $100 and there are 3 key things I got out of it:
- Guys have a tendency to judge a WOMAN's feelings about him based on his feelings to her. This is bad as guys tend to fall in love a lot more easily than women do. This is me to a "T".
- There is a Reality Factor and a Bottomline Factor... which is in dating where you force yourself to look at Reality... and Bottomline the relationship based on reality, not on how you feel. For example, she makes a date but doesn't show up. Later she apologizes and wants to go out again. The Reality Factor is: She broke a date. The Bottomline Factor is that IF SHE LIKES YOU, she would have called to reschedule BEFORE breaking the date.

There's also a bunch of stuff about Attitude, that in light of my divorce, really stuck with me. Pretty common sense stuff but when I read it... I can see a lot of these mistakes in myself from my first crush as a 13 year old all the way through now.

Ok--first, sorry it took so long for me to pick back up on this...thank you, gentlemen for replying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now...STILL having trouble here. He tells me he'll call but doesn't...yet, when I talk to him, he sounds giddy and asks me out and his sister tells me he talks about me all the time. The not calling thing makes me believe he is undependable and cannot be trusted. So, my infatuation with him is weaning.

Yet...like I said, it is driving me insane that he is so damn hard to read. His sister said he's not good at hints and left to his own devices, he goes slow...If I kiss him, I want him to start kissing back and maybe put his hands on me...If I touch his back, I want him to put his arm around mine. This is not difficult, and every other man I've been with has eagerly and non-hesitantly done so. I have never been so frustrated!!! Yes, I suppose you guys are right...I must be thriving on the challenge.

I am enjoying his company, except I get kind of quiet, sitting there contemplating how the hell I am going to get him to respond to my advances w/o coming off looking like an [censored]... this must be how a man feels! lol! No wonder yall are usually so quiet on dates!

He is very talkative, smart, gentlemanly (wont let me pay for anything--I have to sneak to do it, opens doors...you get the picture..though, I havent gotten flowers)..and a BIG bonus for him.. when we are out, he does not ogle other women. He does not flirt--we went to a bar, and it was lingerie night for the stupid little waitresses-- I never saw him even glance at them. Just me. And it made me feel very nice and beautful and appriciated indeed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He is a pleasant reminder that not all men are the inconsiderate pigs my husband is, and he is truly helping me from becoming bitter.

But I feel like I am always having to call him. And I hate that. How would yall feel? Have any of you played this challenge game...left it up to her to call you? I don't remember how to play...am I being too forward? We went out Mon. night...is tonight too soon to go out again? I am so lost! I hate all this-- I like the simplicity of certainty. Grr.

Where you're going through a dv, you have to grant him some leeway... if I were interested in you, I'd probably give you lots of space and let you take the lead in the relationship since you're marriage is still lingering on.

AFTER your dv is finalized, I'd be a bit more insistent with him. He might just be submissive or have other issues that seem challenging now, but later might be less so.

It sounds like he may not be your type....Im not sure though. If you like the layed back type he is, you may be more attracted to the aggresive male. JMHO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

Some food for thought (& I won't even reply to your answer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

You posted;
Please continue to pray for me and my stbxh. Guidance, health, finances...I need help everywhere...and esp. to guard my heart without turning cold.

You also posted concerning your recent "date(s)";
(I am not initiating sex..for a little while...just above the clothes fun)

Are you interested in possible reconciliation with your stbx and if so, how will dating, making out & possible sex keep your heart from hardening toward your h?