One of the issues in my home thats helping plow my marriage under is my step child is voilating probation by smoking weed and hanging with a bad crowd. I'm taping all the calls in and out of my home, I'm the only one that knows,over easter break my home was a hangout for misfit dope smokers who used my phone all day to talk about the next "high" and what ever else. Against my wishes and his mothers this 15 yr old smokes, and i found butts in his room, I forbid ANYONE from smoking in my home,I also find butts in my yard, I also forbid MINORS smoking in my yard, its been addressed several times but my words fall on deaf ears,and his mother covers up for him, I smell pot on him when he comes in at night, and he retreats for his room, when I address it with his mom she ignores me and plays it off,this child is medicated with Paxil for depression issues, and he was warned by doctors to NOT medicate himself with illegal drugs, including Pot, but he's doing it anyway,I caught his mother on tape discussing how he's giving me lots of ammo by coming in high and smoking at home. i'm unhappy with the way this is being handled,its clear to me this child has no reguard for his probation, OUR home, or his mental condition, and his mother is hiding stuff from me to keep me from alerting all the professionals that handle this child, the crime this child committed COULd have gotten him a 10 yr walk through the system, but a judge gave him a shot, and I feel the kids is flipping us all off, i've had enough, and i'm ready to turn him in, I dont trust his mother to do the right thing, this kids crime involved a big knife, do i wait for him to come home wiped out and hurt someone, or do i act?? I dont want to "railroad" this kid as his mother puts it, but i fear for all our safety. If i do it will no doubt end this already failing marriage, which i dont see as a bad thing at this point, his mother is keeping too much from me on this issue, any thoughts?

fortyone,

I am going to suggest that you go back through this post and re-read it. You have a lot of anger, probably justifable, but it's still anger and needs to be dealt with. Go to one of these proffessionals that are to be helping your step son and ask for their help in how YOU need to be dealing with the issues that you have with this young man.

I also suggest that you look at your marriage to your spouse, not the entire picture, just the marriage and get you and her some help with an MC, anytime that you try to blend families there is fallout and sounds like you have had your share. I see the two issues, step son and marriage as two totally seperate issues, don't link them, keep them in the proper perspective.

That is my 2 cents worth this morning, take it or leave it that is always your choice. I just want you to read your post and see it from an outsiders perspective.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MY ISSUES?? i'm not the one smoking dope, violating parole, ditching school and walking all over the athority in the house...my issues, thats a good one....

Turn him in.
he is walking all over you and the system.
The system is set up to help him.
another thing he needs help NOW not later before he does something even you can responsible for..like those kids smoking in your home doing drugs in your home!
"Your home is considered a party house"
you say you FORBID..but what are the consequenses??

If he does the dope in your home, when you know he is smoking
call the police and they will come and take him away for breaking
probation. otherwise he figures you got no intestinal fortitude and
all threats.

your son could maybe benifit from turning him in, in a couple years he is
going to be treated as an adult, dealt with harshly then.
He seems to walk all over everyone.

take care and remember

"Give your problems to God, He will be up all night anyway!"
EarthAngel
edited this to take out info on my family..

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 05:49 AM: Message edited by: SadEyes ]</small>

The issues you have with this young man is how you are choosing to deal with him!!! You are telling him "No, No" but he does anyways and what is it that you do? Come here and complain? Granted we want you to be able to vent here, but he needs help now and needs you to help with that!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Check out this web site :
strugglingteens.com
My son (19) is at a therapeutic facilty for young adults, best I could do for him as I would no longer enable, but X and wife did and do. The different reactions to this behaviour you and wife have, delivers a very mixed message to your step son. This is not helpful to anyone. At 15, his parents can still legally make decisions to help him, in a couple of years this will not be possible.
Get help for yourself, his mother, your marriage and your entire family. This all causes additional havoc and pain on all your lives.
Good luck in this difficult time.

<small>[ May 03, 2003, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: willbok99 ]</small>

hi
just checking to see if you are ok!??
haven't seen you post lately and hope that
you haven't given up on yourself.

sometimes we need to stop trying to fix others
and get some quiet time for ourselves to
heal, even in all the laughter and cries of
children.

must be hard trying to deal with things right now
I thought back to when mine were younger and things were hard around here and I wanted to run off and start over only did not want to leave them.
tears you up!
just know that your kids appreciate you and they are just making wrong choices and it is sad
but the thing is, we all make decisions and maybe
sometimes we go down a wrong path but then later you make a turn and get on the right path again with direction from someone.

Do you think that your son who is acting out would
benefit from going to a tech school..trading school get a ged and work learning program?

what is he good at doing? sometimes kids don't do well in school and get off track. I talked to kids
in the suicide channel and alot of them hated school were bored and on meds and said they resented their parents for putting them on drugs that made them not be able to think or function.
but then they talked parents into getting them into a program at the tech school and a job training program and florished..
they didn't become angels but they did buckle down
like with auto body, welding things that help them get a job. the first issue was seeing they worked on their ged..along with the other class so they would have training and a job after finished actually they did better then some kids in high school because they had a job when they got out of school.
anyway just a thought.
take care and I PRAY you are ok. take care of you.
take time for you. maybe this is something you can
get the brochure and go through with him see what he likes and talk to a counsellor to see what they suggest...can't hurt...
God bless and KEEP ON KEEPING ON!!
EARTHANGEL

The kid and his drugs were the last straw for me,I taped my phone and have him on tape pulling the wool over all our trusting eyes, and when I started questioning stuff his mom was covering for him to keep him out of jail,she lied to me about her deceptions and swore it was the truth, but my tape dont lie. The kid was having druggy's in and allowing sex acts while he stood guard,and they were running wild, I have the kid on tape boasting about all the drugs he will be able to do when his 5 yr probation is ended 2 years early, his mother's goal was to cover for him so probation ended before age 18 so if he got in trouble again he wouldnt get the max punishment because his past would be sealed. i turned the kid into probation and made them remove him and his problems. My rule when I allowed this kid back was he would NOT do this stuff, and he agreed. The combination of my wife lying for her son , hiding his problems from me, and allowing our daughter to be exposed to this showed me that she only cared about her son, it was fine with her that her son come home HIGH and bring in known druggy kids who brought drugs into our home, My wife always had "trust" issues with me, now it looks like my total trust in her was a big mistake, and I cant forgive her for that, and i cant forgive her son for violating our home for his thrills. This woman and her son are users and abusers of the mental health system, and they know how to WORK them all, but they didnt fool me, the social workers took the bait hook, line and sinker, now that i exposed it all to them i pray they dont fall for it again. If you really want to know whats going on in your home, buy a phone recording system from radio shack, its done a great job of weeding out the LIERS in my house.

oh I am soo glad you got that out of the way.
now you will have a bit of normalcy in the home.

He will probably try to get his friends to cause
you some problems but then stand your ground right away..

I am proud of you. It is hard to do the taping thing I use to feel like a sleeze when I did it.
but then found out most parents at the tough love meetings were already doing it..

what was weird was we parents went to the tough
love meetings and the same parents there our kids
were off getting high together while there we sit trying our darndest what to do with them.
but the thing is that your daughter will start confiding in YOU NOW that she knows he is NOT being able to get to her..Thank God she will
finally feel safe in her home.

it's sad but we all do make mistakes but the thing is to admit them and move on in life..and you handled IT Well! at least you were not just sitting around like the kids thought hahah,,
bet they didn't know what hit them..and the tape will also be good for the parents who are in deniel..in a way it is good you didn't have video in the room it would sicken you.

I will continue to pray for you and family and know things will get better..being alone isn't really so bad you know..it's but you are young yet
I will be 60 on aug 25th am a widow now and don't feel as though I got nothing to give anyone because I have given all I had to husband and feel like I was in the war..and am fatigued...ya know what I mean..it is quiet here now peaceful...
ahhhh...no worrying what time someone will be home and the fighting start..again..

hopefully you will find peace with yourself and
your daughter will grow up secure in Gods love and your love and know she does not need to be
used by PEOPLE..
that we use things not people..

so what will you do now? with your family as messed up as it is?
you have decisions to make don't make them while your angry..wait till you calm down and think about it..ok..
take care and KEEP ON KEEPING ON!!!!

hopefully he will learn something after the anger is gone and he gets the help he needs..
maybe put a tape on that says Sorry but we are not taking any calls right now..and sons name..
does NOT LIVE HERE ANYMORE..his new residence is..
(you can reach him at the..county jail or whatever..lol) GRIN..AHHHH!

Its been 10 years of rollercoasters with my wife and her strange son, i need a break, i put off opening a business because of all the problems at home, you need stability to run a business, maybe now I;ll get some, my wife is still in denial that her son has a major problem, i'm TRYING to end this as her friend, for my daughter,I'm also trying to give her SHARED custody, but i think she's going to try and insist on getting her sick son back in her home, and thats not happening if my daughter spends half her life there. In spite of my fears of her son and his ANd her mental conditions i allowed him to return to our home the first time he had problems,and he betrayed all of our trust ANd violated the law and the trust of his uncle,and i'm convinced he would do it again, or worse, so he loses. This child belongs in jail or in a supervised group home where they know all the tricks and will not tolerate them. His mother gave him all the rope he needed to hang himself and fail, I warned her, but she didnt trust my judgement, such is life. Since i cant afford my home without my wife i'm forced to sell it and start over with my kids, and we will survive and prosper. I'm not scared to get back into life and try again, what else do you have? You only get one life and you need to seek happiness at all cost.