Conflict. What are some examples of situations where we would be in conflict? We've never fought. He's never raised his voice to me. Like I said, he usually gives in to whatever he feels will avoid conflict.<P>He plans outings, with her in mind to go with, I know about them, but he doesn't tell me he'd rather her go, he just lets it happen. He says he does this to avoid conflict (I would argue or whine that he didn't want to go with me instead).<P>I do have a problem in that I can't leave my "boss" personality at work. I bring it home. I don't think I'm bossy to him, but I'm the same person at home that I am at work: <P>I'm not always happy at my job (only in the last eight months or so have I been having a good time there with the people I work with, etc. and I've been there five years -- the same lenght of our marriage), it's a public position so I'm called accountable by average citizens who aren't always the nicest people, I'm not paid as much as I'm worth, it's a small town so I have to suck it up and take it or else I'd have no credibility.<P>And there's nothing to do here! It's rural. We're two hours from any fun for young people. We're unlike everyone. Since opening our own business in the last eight months (she also works for us) we've been meeting more people and doing things like online boards. That's helped both of us.<P>It's been a hindrance too. Typical me, when he joined a board that she was on, I wanted to join too. But he felt like I was putting my stamp on him when I intimated that my husband was someone on the board. He doesn't want anyone to know on the board that he's married. This was before I knew anything was wrong with him -- and he still wants his anonymity.<P>To me, I would be proud enough of my spouse and of us, that I would want others to know we're together. Trouble is, he and she have such a great rapport on the board(s) and people know they work together, that I would be cramping his style, I guess. <P>For months, in the mornings before I came over for lunch or she came for work, all they'd do all morning is private message one another or be online at the same time (even though she was supposed to be in class). Is that my jealous streak coming out again? He would say yes.<P>You asked why I said I wanted another chance, that I must feel I've done something wrong. Of course, I feel that way. I must have done something to make him give up on us. I won't accept the "it's not you it's me" theory or the "it's a lot of things." And what I did was become a sullen, depressed-about-her-job black rain cloud that he sees as a constant persona.<P>I've told him we still have fun, he agrees. But not enough of it, he says. It takes two, babe.<P>This is so pathetic, but in the last five months or so of this me jealous/he indifferent mode, I began reading romance novels again. Not once after we were married did I feel the need to do that. My needs for affection were fulfilled -- sex was astounding and we were affectionate with one another. But ever since she came along, I felt pushed out and my needs weren't being met.<P>Hence, the fall back to Johanna Lindsay. She was always my favorite. I think it bothered him at first, but he didn't do anything to help me not need them. And all that time, unbeknownst to me, he was building his wall a brick at a time.<P>As far as other friends, I don't think I was controlling. The only person he would do things with were his brother. Of course, I felt left out when I couldn't do things with them. I was either at work or just home from work and then stuck there (like I said it's rural, nothing to do -- and I was tired! I felt guilty for being so). Plus, his brother is a slacker, does drugs and hangs out with ne'erdowells. We did, however, go to some clubs to hear bands that we wouldn't have known about without his influence. And I like that. <P>His brother, typical of brothers, got and gets on my nerves. I don't like him much, but they're brothers. That isn't going to change. His brother also happens to be the one who brought "her" into our lives. And they are still friendly too. I think I felt that his brother would lead him into bad things. That's my protective side coming out. <P>I know I can't always shield him from things. He's a grown man, for heaven's sake, I know. <P>*Repelled at the thought of touching me? I don't know. But I do know he's in the second bedroom, has been for a week. Doesn't want me seeing him without clothes, and vice versa.<P>*What do I feel are the problems? What do I feel was lost?<P>Well, he's told me in the past that it's hard to hug a crocodile. Clearly, that tells you that I haven't always been the friendliest person, I suppose. But I never let my feelings for my job, our lack of spending money, our lack of friends, to change my feelings for him. He thinks I blame him for some of our hard times: he didn't work for a while. I don't. All I've ever felt is concern: was he depressed, etc.<P>I think we lost what we had in the beginning, before the worrries of life descended on us. We talked, laughed, did things together. The stresses, piled on top of us: he handled it like "what will be will be, live for today." I am a thinker and a worrier. I am also a "glass is half empty" person. I don't believe things until I see them. <P>I think he saw that as my not having faith in him, that everything that went bad was his fault and I expected him to fix them. I don't know how many times I've told him that isn't true. <P>I'm an affectionate person with him (I've never liked hugging other people, for example). I show him with every look or touch how I'm feeling, that I love him. But he says he can't read me sometimes, doesn't know what I'm thinking. Well, he isn't always supposed to know either, that's half the fun of being with someone, that they can surprise you, be mysterious. At least life isn't dull that way.<P>*I've tried to be friendly with his girl friend. It's hard when my husband is treating her better than he is me to give her even more. And this was also before I knew how he feels now. <P>We even had a blow up of it of sorts, because people started asking questions about the amount of time they spend together. The questions were getting to me. People were concerned for me. I only told my H how this was upsetting me. He said to let people think what they will. I'm a public figure, I can't.<P>She posted on a board we all use how people in her town all think she's a slut. I didn't like it that she was saying these things out in "public" even though no one on there knows who I am. I pm-ed her back saying just how I felt. My H didn't like that at all. I suppose it was his protectiveness coming out again, but I didn't know at the time why.<P>It's all too complicated, but he enjoys it when her male friends are jealous of him (including her boyfriend). Those aren't the feeling a "friend" should have for another friend. Am I wrong to be jealous over that?<P>*""Of course, my relationships with my friends are usually effortless too. That’s because we aren’t life partners living together through all of the stresses and everyday conflicts that spouses need to deal with. Eventually, he’ll have a disagreement with his friends too - gee, will he dump them when it isn’t effortless anymore? I think he’s really just stating that he’s tired of conflict.""<P>I have brought this up. He doesn't agree.<P>*Communication is the key. And I've said this. He also agrees that we haven't communicated well. But I don't think sitting down holding hands and talking is something he'll do (for reasons already stated). Talking hurts right now. Is that the conflict you're talking about? <P>*Will he post here? Unlikely. Thanks for reading.

Nothing new has happened. He still prefers his new "girl" friend. Two days ago was the one month anniversary of the night he said he doesn't love me anymore.<P>But things are coming to a head. In a few weeks time we may have to have other living arrangements because our current home won't be available. My life is so up in the air right now. <P>We're separated but still living in the same house, driving together to work to save on gas, we own a business together and I have another job also.<P>He's at least been talking more about how he feels. I'm working to understand how i can change my behavior to make our relationship better. But it took my grandmother dying last weekend for him to put his arms around me for a minute or two.<P>I posted a question on having fun at a low cost in another thread. Well, he doesn't want his fun times with me, he wants them with her. I wanted to see a movie last night, he didn't. Tomorrow he's spending the day with her. Whatever.

I wanted to give an update on what's happening. He said he'd try for real a couple of weeks after the last post. It barely lasted a week. It was great for me, I later learned it was difficult and awkward for him. As you guessed, we're back to where we were. <P>He said again last night when I asked him if he felt no more for me than he does his "girl" friend, that he sees us as just friends. He has trouble doing the "marriage thing" with me. Today was a horrible day for me, almost as bad as the morning after D-Day when he told me he's not in love anymore. <P>He told me a week or so ago that I had lost so much weight and wasn't sleeping that I looked like "death warmed over." Not too nice, huh, although I figured he was just trying to make me see I needed to do something for myself.<P>I don't know what the future holds for me and I'm scared. I'm 30 years old and I don't want to go back home to my parents to start all over again. <P>He says he still loves me in many ways but apparently, not enough to work on our almost 6-year marriage. I'm in such a black state right now. I'm barely living.

Thank you for your response. I am currently out of town and have been for ten days. She has been seeing the counseler. I am at the same point you are. Living with this is killing me. I will Pray for you and I hope things get better.

I think he wants me to hate him, so that I'll get angry enough to leave. If I leave he won't have to be the one to have done it, although he has left already emotionally and mentally.<P>I love him too much. The word "love" doesn't do justice. My future is/was with him. We opened a business together. He told me last year if I wanted to go ahead and have a baby it was okay (because we had waited so long into our 5 and 1/2 year marriage). There are too many physical and emotional ties to cut. <P>He says he doesn't know what to do, but that things can't go on as they are. He won't kick me out and I won't leave (we're in a house owned by his family). Life is sucking so hard right now, it's so hard to live, to go on.

Yesterday, he said he was unwilling to do anymore than he already is (as far as our relationship). We're not sleeping (this includes sex) together but we're still in the same house. He still talks to me (we have a business together). He doesn't say mean things to me. I know he could be really cruel if he wanted to be (he did it with past girlfriends), so I'm grateful for what I have.<P>Every little thing I say, or a look, that shows that I'm unhappy, angry or whatever about our situation, I feel is a mark against me in my efforts to save our marriage. He keeps using analogies like pushing and pulling, and cycles and circles. He says I won't let him judge me on the past or present. I just want to be.<P>How can we work things out when he spends all his free time with another woman (his "girl" friend)? He broke plans with me today so he could go with her to the city.<P>I guess I'm just extremely upset about this whole thing today.