I am having a hard time with this single thing.
I have been D since March and don't know if I should cut all ties with Ex and move on or wait and see if we could rebuild what we had.
Alittle back ground... While we were talking about getting a D We said we would date after awhile and see if we could work things out. She was the one who had the A and wanted the D. She didn't want to be with or marry OM just felt guilty for what she had done and thought We needed to get a D then deside if I could forgive her. I have since met a very nice girl who treats me right and we have alot of like intrests. But I do not want to take things further because I still feel like I have a chance with the Ex. I feel I still love my Ex and that it would be best for us and the kids if we could fix things. But I don't know if and how I could get passed the wrong that was done. We have talked alot and I see the Ex just as much now as I did before.
Can recovery work after the D? I have heard that once its bad it stays bad, but I also heard that it can be better than ever.... Confused!!
CD

Statistically, and not to be a bummer... but you might be in a rebound relationship. Statistically, only about 15% of rebounds actually last into something meaningful... though they feel wonderful when you're in them.

Is it fair to your girlfriend that she is unknowingly competing for your feelings against your x?

I would say be slow, be sensitive, and be careful. Since it's already there, enjoy it and move on with your life.

Move on!!! You can not trust your XW. She blew it. No matter how much you want to put your family back together, especially since you have children, it's over.

Don't EVEN think about getting serious with this woman you're currently seeing though.

Marriages occuring within 2 years of a divorce have an 85% failure rate.

My XW married the OM within 2 years of our divorce. Anyone want to take bets on when her 2nd marriage will end? (OM cheated on her while she was cheating on me too)

Given the number of years you were married, it will take you 3 years for your emotions to stabilize. (takes 1 to 1.5 years for every 5 years of marriage)

It's no wonder you keep questioning yourself. Your emotions are all over the place.

Date, yes. Have fun. Nothing serious.

Go slow. Women take time. Make a whole bunch of friends.

Get used to your own skin again.

I agree with the rebound. You are in a termoil of emotions. Take and have fun being with the opposite sex. No sex though, you never know who has been before you. Just find yourself, look into groups that interest you, look into being yourself and enjoying life as things come.

As for your ex-wife, you could still date her, persay. And if things can work out great. I have been told that remarriages with your spouse do work well. If both of you are willing to marry each other, and want to work on your marriage. Believe what the Harleys and everyone else says, all marriages need to be worked on.

I would enjoy your time with your wife, and let love takes its course. If you are seeing remorse and guilt from your wife. If you feel she really wants a marriage with you, and you with her, then it will happen.

Set your boundaries now. You both will learn quite a bit with the new boundaries set. Divorce is not what God wanted, but it happens. I know, I am divorced just a few weeks ago. My husband is the wayward spouse, and I didn't want the divorce. But he was set, on a divorce, and therefore it has happened.

I just recently met a very good person. And am free to talk, and express myself. That is what is so comforting, to find someone to talk and not feel judged. But this comfort will not go any further, cause I have set boundaries.

My life goes on, and I have found my artistic side, my witty side, my loving side. I have seen my anger and my cries. So much emotional roller coaster rides. You will too, and take life with the help of our Lord. I am giving my life to my Lord, and letting him take me where I should go. Enjoy your children, enjoy your work, enjoy your individuality. Do not think about dating anyone seriously for at least a couple of years. To get mixed up in a relationship right after a divorce is so wrong. Why is it that most affairs of marriage, don't last. Cause it was not real love. It was lies, deceit, betrayal of the utmost. And so is the seriousness of dating right after divorce, and marriage after divorce. Take time and see where life takes you. Find yourself, find your happiness, find your love of life. Without happiness in life, you will not be there for others. There will be the criticism you will find in others.

For me, I will never marry. Cause my heart and body were given to the Lord, with marrige to my x-husband. He was the only man I ever had in my life. The only man that saw my body. He was not in the same shoes, and he has admitted his promiscious actions. And of course his promiscious actions of affair. But, I will always stay single, the rest of my life. I don't say, that I won't have friends of the opposite sex. But they will know right off the bat, no marrige for me. No cohabitating for me. Lord does not want us to live in sin, and use sex. According to the Bible, the only one we can have sex with and marriage with is our spouse. So therefore, I will save myself for my spouse.

Just a little bit of theology, and caution. Don't get serious, you need time to settle down yourself. Do things with your wife and kids. Enjoy your family. Be honest with the person you are dating. Just tell them, you would like to have fun, but there won't be anything else. No committment, no sex, nothing. Be honest.

Honesty, with our wayward spouses, has caused a lot of pain. And we the betrayed have been hurt with so much pain, that the wayward spouse does not know how it feels. Seems your wife is becoming more aware of the pain, and is realizing the mistake she made.

Hi Citydweller - long time no see.
Question - did anything in the recent behaviour of your ex give you grounds to be optimistic that things are to change? let me guess: not really. maybe it's just the "echo" of your hopes and dreams you are still hearing. Look at the facts and actions on the ground - what do they say? Are you actually dating your ex again?
Cheers
N

I don't want to go any further with the girl I met just for that reason. I want to make sure its not a rebound thing, I don't want to inflicted any pain on anyone. I have been up front with her and told her I want to date lots of girls and don't want to rush into things. I even let her know of the thought of dating the Ex.
Have I been dating the ex? Not really. What have I seen that makes me think she has changed? Not alot, however She has called me up asking if I wanted to go to lunch, or go skiing, simple things like that. However I know she is still in contact with OM and has been out with him. I told her earlier that if she is still friends with him that we could not be friends. And explained that it would be too hard to think about for me.

I am in a place where I could be wild and just have a ball with all the girls at my present location, but its as if I lost any desire to go out and have fun. I am not looking to be a player and sex is not what I’m looking for. I can't get the Ex out of my mind and it’s driving me nuts.
To make things worse is that I am with alot of guys who... may not be having sex, but are not being faithful to their wives either. I want to just smack them up side the head and make them feel the pain they may be causing someone else.
Anyway, I'm still going nuts. The D didn’t stop any of it!
CD

I think it depends on how she reacted after the affair as to whether you can trust her. I am a male, mid 30's and D. I had an affair a year before the D. It ate at me and I told her (she had no idea). She immediately left me. I tried to see her every day and spent some time crying at her parents doorstep because of what I did to her.

If she didn't take what she did to heart and show remorse and a lot of it, then I don't think she could be trusted.

By comparison, the girl I had the affair with told me she had an affair 1 other time also. She said that time she went home and told her husband. He started crying. She said she had to leave him to go tell the other guy it was over. See what's wrong here, she was still concerned about the other guys feelings with her crushed husband sitting there. That woman cannot be trusted and will have affairs after mine.

Mine, by contrast gave me the push to be saved and become a Christian because I new I wasn't in control and needed God's help.

Only you can tell what's going on inside her. Take it slow. My marriage ended a year later (she took me back after a week of begging), but it wasn't because of the affair, we both put that behind us as much as one can.

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: whatalife ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>I don't want to go any further with the girl I met just for that reason. I want to make sure its not a rebound thing, I don't want to inflicted any pain on anyone. I have been up front with her and told her I want to date lots of girls and don't want to rush into things. I even let her know of the thought of dating the Ex.
Have I been dating the ex? Not really. What have I seen that makes me think she has changed? Not alot, however She has called me up asking if I wanted to go to lunch, or go skiing, simple things like that. However I know she is still in contact with OM and has been out with him. I told her earlier that if she is still friends with him that we could not be friends. And explained that it would be too hard to think about for me.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are the things that confuse me.......the EX is still seeing OM and you and you still want to be with her. You have gone out with a young lady who seems very sweet and has alot in common with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I dont understand.

I too gave my EX another chance 8yrs ago, only for her to do the same things all over again to destroy our marriage....turning to OM. She even admitted after our divorce that she did ALOT to ruin our family.......YOU THINK????

Do you really want to chance going through the same thing again??

I say move on....also, I bet you the bank that your EX is all nice to you because she knows that you have been out with another. If she doesnt know she can sense it.......woman can tell when you have kinda gotten over them. I do realize you still have feelings, but outwardly you probably look real confident to her. I could not trust her again myself. Its your decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whatalife:
<strong>My marriage ended a year later (she took me back after a week of begging), but it wasn't because of the affair, we both put that behind us as much as one can.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course the divorce may not have been directly because of the affair but it was all the crap that came along with the affair. Since the affair was only a year previous to the divorce, you botrh did not deal with it at all.

I wish I understood it my self. I feel like I know and have known all along that we will end up back together. I really don't understand my feelings, how could I even want her after the things she has done to me. I look back and get angry and want to scream. Why would someone in his or her right mind even think of going back to it? I know we all have our own mistakes and no one is perfect. I know she has gone through more than anyone should have to go through; maybe I am using that in her defense.
She knows I have gone out and have spent alot of time with this girl. Maybe that is why she is being nice, I don't know, but until I get myself straightened out I can't do anything. I am a prisoner of my own insecurities?
CD

CD,
I had hoped by now you would have a better handle on what you wanted. Bummer.

Are you deployed?

What did you do with the home?

Are the girls with XW?

Are you OK from day to day now?

We bumped up some of your old threads, but we thought we had lost you.

SS

SS,

Let me fill you in on some of the things that happened while I was gone. I deployed mid Feb and was gone about a week or so when I get a call from the W. She had hit bottom and was not doing well. She and OM had broken up and she wqas loosing it. So, she calls me and tells me she has an appointment to see a counselor, (yipee) but needed help with the kids. So I put it into work to get home. I called the next day to find out she called her sister and she emitted herself into the hospital. (Really not doing good) I called her there and she was not happy, everything was dull and gray like in the movies. So she said. They wanted her to stay for three days but she checked herself out the next day. When I got home I found her curled up on the couch kind of shaking. She hadn't taken her meds because she couldn't find them.
We had filed before I left and taken the class we needed to. All that was left was for her to take the rest of the papers in. When she was stable, we talked and she asked what I did with the papers, again accusing me of playing with her. A week when by I found the papers in the back of her car and put them on her table. She never took them in and one day things blew up and I took the papers in the next morning. I was tired of being the one who was holding things up. When she found out I took them she just asked why I didn't tell her.
When I got home, I took my kids to visit family. I was gone about two weeks, and she ended up going to some national park with her friends. Over the next month, I kept the kids most of the time to give her some space. The D was final just as I left to see family. It was not a good feeling when I found out.
I am now deployed again for 2 months, wish it could have waited. Before I left she had called me up at different times to go out to lunch or invite me to go skiing. Before I left I know the OM had been in contact with her and wanting her to go back to him. She said she doesn't want any thing from him but wants to be his friend. I kinda told her that if she was still friends with him that her and I could not be friends. That it would be to hard for me. She got alittle upset and thought I was trying to tell her who she could be friends with. My kids are with her while I am gone, but I will have them for a while when I get back. We do have them 50/50, but we are pretty easy going with them.

She stayed in the house and I moved to our other home. She is now selling hers and moving into something smaller and less work. It will help with the bills be easier on both of us.

I was doing much better before I left, but it’s been hard since I've been gone. I can't stop thinking about her. Wondering if she is seeing this OM or if she is nothing more than friends.
I asked her again in an email what her relation is with him. I needed to know so I could make so decisions.

I just don't know any more. I guess I need to black out everything else and worry about what I want!

CD

I disagree with moving on and forgetting about your xwife. People make mistakes. If you are interested in your former wife, and she in you, date and see where it goes. If you do, kindly let your girlfriend go. If you see both with future intentions you making the same mistake your wife did. We can create such messes for ourselves. If your x is remorseful, and loves you, your family is worth everything you can give together. Good luck to you.

By comparison, the girl I had the affair with told me she had an affair 1 other time also. She said that time she went home and told her husband. He started crying. She said she had to leave him to go tell the other guy it was over. See what's wrong here, she was still concerned about the other guys feelings with her crushed husband sitting there. That woman cannot be trusted and will have affairs after mine.

This is what I am afraid of- holding on to false hope w/ex-WH because this is EXACTLY what he did...and did over and over....and over.....and is still doing.

Hi Citydweller:

The fact that you are even considering reconciliation proves that there is still a lot of hope to resurrect your marriage. Regardless of what some town hall says, you are married and will always be. You created life together. I am in the middle of a book right now called "The Case Against Divorce" by Dianne Medved. I recommend you and your ex read this and then decide if you want to stay divorced.

Marriage is for better or for worse. Why not give your wife another chance? I would.

Doug in Finland

Born 8 July 1963
Married 21 June 1985
First Child 5 April 1991
Second Child 3 June 1993
Divorced 14 April 2003

CD, it&#8217;s sad to see you back, but it&#8217;s nice to see you again, if that makes sense.

I don&#8217;t know what to tell you about what to do with this. I know from your feelings before that you would love to have her turn back to you with all her heart but she still hasn&#8217;t done that.

I believe if it was me then I would tell her I wouldn&#8217;t see her except in relation to the kids unless she wanted to commit to me alone. I would probably write it all out so she could see it, and say something like this: &#8220; I love you and it would make me happy to be married to you if you could commit to me alone. I can&#8217;t be with someone that can go have sex with someone else while they are married to me and then expect me to understand that they still want to be friends with that person who helped destroy our marriage. This is about me, and what I can take, not about you and who you want for friends. I can&#8217;t take that, so if you want it, then I won&#8217;t be spending time with you.&#8221;
This is an example, and you would need to re-write it in your own words.

I was doing much better before I left, but it&#8217;s been hard since I've been gone. I can't stop thinking about her. Wondering if she is seeing this OM or if she is nothing more than friends.

I think I would lay it all our for her and then tell her to let you know if she wants to commit, otherwise leave you alone. I would be careful for a year &#8211; probably hold off dating. I think many people underestimate just how good Dr Harley is at this, and that is the time frame he recommends. Your XW is still very confused and if you do want a chance she will need time to come back to normalcy.

I asked her again in an email what her relation is with him. I needed to know so I could make so decisions.
Again, I think I would leave that alone. She sees it as controlling even though you have a valid point. I would just tell her to let you know if she is willing to commit, if not to leave you alone. Live you life as normal as you can. If you wait a year, you will still have plenty of time left in your life to go on with another relationship if that is right. Remember that eternity is long time to wonder if you did the right thing. Waiting a year to know for sure is cheap insurance.

I just don't know any more. I guess I need to black out everything else and worry about what I want!
I assume a lot in my post, If you want to go another direction, I&#8217;ll try and support your decision and help if I can.

CD, I said once that you could do this right, and I still believe that. Being a winner means you do your personal best, and what others do does not affect that.
Keep working on you, and you will succeed. Help others as much as you can after that, and it will help insure your own success.

SS

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Reasons why I think she would like to get back together....
I have recieved more emails from her since we have been D that have been more than anything just to say hi. In one of her last emails she asked me what would have to happen if we were to try it again. And in another one she told me she is still confused but when she looked at her futer, I was the only one that she could see in it.
I thought those were pretty positive points. I just hate to want something then not know if i could forgive and forget. I wonder how I will beable to get past what she did. I do still love her, and see her in my futuer, but it is a concern for me.

CD

I just hate to want something then not know if i could forgive and forget

That can come as a gift.
See Moroni 7: from about verse 44 to the end.
Say your prayers.

SS

Wow! I completely missed this thread, and now it's almost 2 months later!

I remember most of your story, CD, and I think that it's clear that there's still something 2 rebuild here. Maybe a M, maybe a civil arrangement for the kids. I think the naysayers that suggest you forget about her, that she'll always be a cheat, have forgotten the simple fact that you CAN'T have her out of your life entirely without abandoning your children, and you're 2 loving a father 2 do something like that.

I hope that, during the almost 2 months since you've been here, you and your exW have continued talking. Doesn't have 2 be about your M, or dating, or getting back 2gether. Just talking. You have a good oppor2nity 2 show her you can care for her without getting drawn in2 arguments or blame-shifting, because I sense that this is still tending 2 go on.

...bottom line, you got DV'd before you earned the right 2 DV (I was hit with this more than once, when I would start talking about DV, mainly out of frustration).

You need 2 be able 2 forgive your W for what you think she's "done 2 you." You also need 2 figure out what it is about you that contributed 2 the failure of your M. If you had "earned" a DV, you would be at peace with being separated from your xW, as would she from you. But you've simply avoided the hard work, the hard work that just MIGHT have restored your M if you'd done it, and would most definitely have restored YOU (and possibly your W) if you'd done it.

This ain't over by any means. I felt tears well up when you said you couldn't stop thinking about your xW. But they dried pretty quickly when I saw that you're still focusing on the R with the OM. Not because I think you're behaving badly, but because I know that *I* did the same thing for SO LONG (about 18 months now) and so intensely at times, that I didn't even realize that I was stalling any progress we might make in the process.

It's hard 2 let go of the hurt. It's hard 2 stop the endless movies and re-running potential fu2re scenarios through our heads, but it is absolutely essential that we do so if we hope 2 have a snowball's chance in the Frying Pan of Haydes of ever healing from our experiences.

I think there's still hope.

I wish you all the best in your currently deployment. I think I speak for all of us when I say that I appreciate what you are doing right now.

-ol' 2long