I’ve had some interesting conversations with some people lately and I’d like to get some feedback and have a discussion about “Emotional Needs” with those who are divorced (not in another serious relationship) or separated pending divorce. If there are any takers, please list your top 5 “Emotional Needs” in order with #1 being most important. I’ll chime in a little later.

This is the His Needs/Her Needs list but feel free to add “valid” needs:

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Thank you,

This is the His Needs/Her Needs list but feel free to add “valid” needs:
These are relationship needs that get fulfilled by a relationship partner. If there is not a relationship partner, then these needs are not specifically going to get filled, especially
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment

With no serious relationship, the others could get filled through "casual" interaction and co-workers/friends.

Before I list my key needs, I think it is important to state that in the early stages, my IC and support group played a large role in meeting some of these needs, and now friends have been meeting these needs, unless noted otherwise.
Key needs:

Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Affection - get from kids & dog
Conversation
Admiration

For the next three, I didn't get these in M, so I feel no sense of loss or need from another
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment

Physical Attractiveness
Sexual Fulfillment - AD's help here and I just don't have the energy or desire. Fighting H for custody takes too much out of me.

And for the last two, I have a joke:
"I don't make snowmen. If I'd wanted to hang around with a cold man with slush for brains, I'd still be married."

1. Recreational Companionship
2. Conversation
3. Sexual Fulfillment
4. Admiration
5. Physical Attractiveness

I think it's safe for me to say that if I find someone who meets these... but Honesty and Openess are lacking... I'll be moving on.

I personally believe that our needs shift while we are single and some of the things change to desires and not needs for fulfilling relationships and happiness. And Chris, I’m going to have to disagree with you that all of these items cannot be met without a “relationship” partner.

Affection-Can be met through kids, pets, friends, and family.
Sexual Fulfillment-Self explanatory and can be met.
Conversation-Definitely through family and friends.
Recreational Companionship-Definitely through family and friends.
Honesty and Openness-Definitely through family and friends.
Physical Attractiveness-Can be met through peer groups.
Financial Support-Can be a “self” met need.
Domestic Support-Definitely through family and friends.
Family Commitment-Definitely through family and friends.
Admiration-Definitely through family and friends.

That being said my Top 5:

1. Religious Fulfillment: Definitely a need of mine that I have met through talking with like minded friends, attending church, and teaching children the gospel.

2. Conversation: Another top need of mine that is met by my children and a small network of good friends.

3. Recreational Companionship: Important to me and being met by my children. We play baseball, football, go to the park, and jump on the trampoline together. Also met by my nightly walks with four-legged girlfriend. Add to that I coach many teams throughout the year.

4. Family Commitment: Good minds think alike and I try to surround myself with people who are committed to their families as I am committed to mine. Similar comparison to me not having friends who are crack dealers because there is little common ground. This is also a need that is met when you see a child make a good decision that involves the family based upon good mentoring.

5. Affection: Like Newly, Thank God for kids and pets. But never discount a hug from a friend.

That being said, I’ll take a moment to address the others as they pertain to my life:

6. Admiration: Though not in my top 5 it’s an important need for me that is met through my experiences at work, church, and interactions with my children as well as other children.
7. Honesty and Openness: Met though mentoring and having your treatment of others come back to you.
8. Domestic Support: A need that is not being met in my life. Kids are SLOBS…
9. Financial Support: Still a need of mine but one that is primarily self-met with the occasional aid of others be it the church helping with camps or bumming a couple bucks when I get my butt in a crack from a friend.
10. Physical Attractiveness: Really not a need at all for me.

This brings us to one of my main reasons for starting the thread.

11. Sexual Fulfillment: Not a “need” in my life at this point, especially outside a committed relationship. For a while after my separation I did perceive this as a “need” and then as time passed it turned more into a “desire” until one day it turned into something a very little importance in my life. I talk to a lot of people who still carry this “High” on their “needs” list and I guess I really don’t understand. Moreover they seek temporary fixes for their short term desire which usually leaves them anything but satisfied. I can’t tell you what His Needs/Her Needs says about it but myself I believe this need can never be met outside a committed healthy relationship.

Great topic! I'm going to talk about each one as it relates to me, and then rank them.

Affection - I have three young children, and get lots of snuggling and hugs from them. I do miss being kissed and held sometimes.

Sexual Fulfillment - I struggle with this one as I strongly believe we are to follow the biblical rules on this one, but have trouble carrying those beliefs through. My ex H was the only man I'd slept with, but then I stumbled a bit in a relationship I just ended. I'm disappointed in myself, but realistically am not sure I'll stay celibate the rest of my life or until re-marriage, whichever comes first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Anyway, it is a pretty strong need of mine, but not one I would place in the top five because I do believe it should be reserved for marriage.

Conversation- This is a big one for me. I think this falls into the communication category for me, which is one of biggest needs.

Recreational Companionship - I enjoy a variety of things, and really like having someone to do things with, but am also happy doing them alone. I guess I would be happier with someone I love along as well, but I don't want to dwell on what I don't have.

Honesty and Openness - This is probably a huge one for everyone that has been cheated on. I know it is for me, although I admit that I found myself playing defense in the serious relationship I had since my divorce, and I think that partly led to its demise.

Physical Attractiveness - I don't particularly care if the rest of the world finds my partner attractive, but I think I need to be physically attracted to them.

Financial Support - Hmmm, as a single mom whose income dropped by 2/3, I can't lie and say this isn't a consideration. But on the other hand, I am very proud of my financial independence, and am able to provide for my children.

Domestic Support - I didn't have this in 8 years of marriage, and I don't have it now. It would be novel, but I can't relate it to real life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Family Commitment - I think this is number one for me. It is what I desperately wanted when I was married and never received. That is why it annoys me to see my ex pretending to be super father now, when we were LAST on his priority list the entire marriage. But if I remarried, whoever it was wouldn't be the father of my children, so I can't really fill what I feel is missing in our family. But this is still the hugest one for me, I think, besides finding someone who loves God and can be the spiritual head of my family.

Admiration - This is one thing that doesn't really get fulfilled, as a single stay at home mom. My kids don't say "Fabulous meal, Mom. You are one great cook!" or "Way to keep up with the laundry!" I get a lot of "I don't know how you do it all by yourself!" type of comments, but that is more of people really thinking "Glad it is her and not me!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry for rambling on and on. I found this really interesting and good to reflect on.

Bill,
I'm glad you started this thread. After reading what others said, I will add what I need.
I can't really use a 1,2,3 format. My needs intertwine.
I think to start, I need someone who has the ability to communicate openly and honestly.
I need someone who has an understanding of what family commitment really is.
I need someone who admires my domestic abilities as well as my intelligence.
I need someone who wants to spend time with me. I wouldn't care if it was walking, running, skiing, bike riding, water skiing, etc. as long as he has patience and is willing to let me learn at my pace.
My attraction to any man has to do with who they are more than how they look. There is nothing more attractive than a man who follows the Lord.
That is a man I would "obey."
Financial equality is important to me but how much a person makes a year has nothing to do with how generous a man is.

your friend,
Aly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My kids don't say "Fabulous meal, Mom. You are one great cook!" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't get this either. What I get is "Grandma is a better cook than you". STBX is living with his parents and still not responsible for domestic tasks.
So I just laugh and wonder what he'll do on his own, and who will show him around a grocery store.

OK - I'll bite...

1) Sexual Fulfillment (hey, it's been 17 months! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Normally, though, it would rate 3 or 4 on this list...)
2) Conversation
3) Honesty and Openess
4) Affection
5) Recreational Companionship

If you have a "need" that is NOT getting fulfilled, how can it be at the top of your list?

It is more of a "really want" than a need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Chris,
I've been thinking about what you wrote.
Aren't our needs individual and hand in hand with wants?
I guess I'm trying to understand your point.
I know what I need and want because I know what I haven't been getting and how it's affected me.
I think we learn about ourselves the older we get. Through our life experiences.
Don't you think our wants and needs change with time?
I know I'm not the 21 year old girl I was when I got married.
I'm still thinking about your statement. Please give me more to think about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aly

Chris,
I've been thinking about what you wrote.
Aren't our needs individual and hand in hand with wants?
I guess I'm trying to understand your point.
I know what I need and want because I know what I haven't been getting and how it's affected me.
I think we learn about ourselves the older we get. Through our life experiences.
Don't you think our wants and needs change with time?
I know I'm not the 21 year old girl I was when I got married.
I'm still thinking about your statement. Please give me more to think about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aly

I guess we could get extremely philosophical in all this and analyze it to death. BUt let's just dicuss it instead... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Everyone NEEDS water. Without it (in some form) you will die.

You don't need light. Blind people get along okay without it.

The 10 "needs" discussed in His Needs, Her Needs are what Harley determined are most important for people in a relationship to give/get from the other person in the relationship.

So to say that sex is your most important "need" when you aren't getting any is incorrect (for lack of a better word.)

But if you are in a relationship, then sex can be your most important need because it gives you the biggest emotional boost from the other partner.

You could say, "when I get into a relationship, sex (or whatever) will be my most important need."

We've gotten off the path that I had intended for this thread but it's probably my fault for not explaining better.

My intention was to find out what everyone's "emotional needs" were as a single person and how they are being met. I did use His Needs/Her Needs as a basis for this since they are pretty common needs.

Anyway, we can talk about anything and that's OK with me......

Whoever said "It's been 17 months", keep trying rookie.....

Whoever said "It's been 17 months", keep trying rookie.....
I can beat that (no pun intended) by a few years...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong>If you have a "need" that is NOT getting fulfilled, how can it be at the top of your list?

It is more of a "really want" than a need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Touche'!!

Then again...

Isn't the EN checklist to see which ones are and are not being met so your partner can maybe do something about it?

Isn't the EN checklist to see which ones are and are not being met so your partner can maybe do something about it?
Yes, but the original question was aimed at those with no partner, not those with unwilling partner.

Needs. Hmmm. I have needs? REally? I forgot all about them...

Well..
1)love and value: comes from relationship from son and with friends and family. My son is the sweetest!
2)domestic--sure could use a guy to help around here and a four year old isn't that good...
3)emotional: my son, family, and friends and doing all the stuff for my medical society convention has helped me feel more "whole".
4)sex: what's that? Geez. I went out and bought some cutsie stuff for my hope drawer and "hope" one day that too much dust doesn't settle or I won't be able to see inside the damn thing.

Anybody remember "the bet" on Seinfeld? I think I've held out the longest.lol...rotflmao.

Other needs: attractiveness: my son tells me all the time I am beautiful. He is so loving. I am not too worried about appearance as I am working back towards just being me.

The biggest struggle is to feel something just more than exhaustion. I have really been worn down with all the trauma Jethro has placed upon me and as well as with Freaky Mae.

I found out that Freaky (MFV) has been smoking in front of son and that Jethro has smoked too. Funny, but Jethro never smoked during marriage except for a cigar now and then. Son pretended yesterday to "light up" a cigarette with a play thermometer from his doctor bag and I asked him about it. More lies from Jethro as he vehemently denies it.

Needs from a future relationship? friendship, attraction, trust. faith. perseverance.

I am just so damn tired all the time that I can barely think about my having any needs.

Now you know that's gotta be hard for a woman to say. To say she hasn't really thought about her own needs for almost a whole year.

I am kinda worried b/c I know that when I do find someone worthy, I may fall too fast b/c after having little to no romantic needs met for almost two years, I wonder what will happen.

But praying about that now. Gotta go.

Big need now: sleep. Had horrible allergic reactions last two days, lack of zzzzz and doing more than enough work here being mom and getting ready for med convention this weekend.

I am actually dreading going to dress store tomorrow b/c I don't have enough time to shop for a cutsie dress for a cocktail party. Can you imagine a woman complaining about shopping? Geez I used to do that for leisure a few years back.

Oh how our EN's change after a WS tramples on our lives huh?

Ok, been separated since August 2000, dated a few people briefly, got into a relationship for a while which fulfilled a few needs (and totally drained others), so single again for about 18 months. Currently I am at peace with myself, trying to hold together the house, the business, and still have time to be mom.

1 Family Commitment- my daughters and I are family, and my sister, brother and aunts and uncles are pretty close. There never was a family commitment with ex, so the girls and I are learning to be a more cohesive unit now.

2 Honesty and Openness-HAHAHA...after the 3 year long divorce, this is probably one of the hardest, I really don't know who to trust anymore.

3Affection- get that from the critters. 3 dogs, 2 cats. Younger D is pretty good for hugs, too.

4 Conversation- talk to family and friends

5 Domestic Support- my dad just visited, it was so nice, he helped cook and clean, tried to shame my kid into helping out more. Other than that, it's me, and I admit, I sometimes am on a schedule of what takes priority will get done and put blinders on for the rest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

as far as the others:
Sexual Fulfillment- just haven't had the inclination for 18 months or more.
Recreational Companionship- go with friends to do things, but do a lot of reading
Physical Attractiveness-yes, I think it would be important to be attractive to me, but I find that I really don't look much anymore.
Financial Support- yuck, don't even go there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Hoping to increase support to what it should have been and maybe that will take some of the load off, but looking at options to do as much as I can myself.
Admiration- never got that with ex, matter of fact, was always put down. I'm learning that I AM a capable person. It is a long road, I have a lot of self doubt and the short relationship I was in didn't help in that regard.

Lori

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: bangarra ]</small>

It's hard for me to say what my EN are as a single person. I've been married for 15 years.
I'm a different person now. My needs are different. I think I made myself pretty clear before.
I think men need to have the physical part of the relationship more than women do. (I think I just got myself in trouble)
Most men need sex to feel loved. Most women need love to want or need sex. (I'm in more trouble now)
Most women I've spoken to, need the safety and reasurance before they submit to sex. Men, on the other hand, need the physical closeness to be reasured.
O.K., let me have it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aly