Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting and I'm feeling pretty discouraged, so I'm sorry if this is long, I really could use some advice. My husband and I have been married over three years and he has been verbally and emotionally abusive the whole time. We talked with our pastor about setting boundaries and a possible separation in November. Then a month later nothing had changed and when I found several hardcore porn movies on his computer I kicked him out. He never reached out or tried to contact me. After 3 weeks I arranged for us to meet with our pastor. We did so 3 times over the next month and a half. He said he would get help, return to church, and meet with a counselor; he never did. Then I found out he had relapsed (after 12 years sober)and was getting drunk and high every day. He said he would stop if I let him move back in. I refused and then two weeks later he said he wanted a divorce. I told him I would contest it because I felt like if we could both turn to God, our marriage could get through this and be stronger. He said he had been faking it for 3 years, had never really had a relationship with God and didn't want to change. He told me he is waiting for me to change my mind because a contested divorce is too much money. He also told me not to contact him because he didn't want to be around me at all. He refuses counseling. After two months, last week he out of the blue sent me a message to see if I wanted to have dinner, but then immediatly said nevermind because that was weak of him, I didn't understand him, and he was angry at how I had acted. Three days before that I had run into him at Starbucks and he told me that with everyday he wants a divorce more. I am so discouraged and confused. How long does this go on? I don't want a divorce but I don't know how much longer I can live like this. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Any resonse will be appreciated.
Sorry so long.

I say run for your life on this one ! I've been in an abusive marriage before. Don't expect him to change overnight, better yet at all. Abuse coupled with addiction equals...disaster! Here's a question to ask yourself,"Is this the man I would like to spend the rest of my life with?" I hope your answer is "Heck no!" You sound like a very nice person. Work on yourself and self-esteem, you'll be surprised how it will change your life around. Take it from someone who's been there.
SS

Thanks for your reply shooting star. I guess my problem is also that part of me feels like the Godly thing to do is wait because maybe my husband will decide to change and I know God can work miracles. I just don't know how long I can(or if even should) wait. Like I said, I'm really confused.

{{{{solnishka}}}}}

Yes, I've been through a similar experience. My STBXH is an alcoholic/addict and extremely verbally abusive as well. He left me and moved in with a much younger MOW with whom he's heavily into porn and "swinging." I tried hard but unsuccessfully to save him and to save the marriage. He played along for a long time because I'm running our jointly owned business alone and sending him money and paying his rent and he didn't want to jeopardize that.

I agree with shootingstar, but I know it's not that easy when you love someone and still have hope. What has ultimately helped me the most has been taking care of myself. For me, Al-Anon has been most helpful and I've been going to 3-4 meetings a week for the past two years. I've also been in IC with a spiritual counselor for over a year.

I understand the guilt stemming from your religious beliefs. I went to my minister for advice too. Keep in mind that abuse is not love, control is not love, to make someone feel worthless is not love.I can go on and on here but the main point is I don't believe God wants us to stay in a relationship where one is being mistreated, used and disrespected. You may e-mail me at susanna325@yahoo.com . Perhaps I can shed some light considering I've been in that situation before.
SS

Thanks again for the input. I know I need to work on me and I'm sure that divorce won't just magically make me feel better. I am in a supprt group and counseling, both which help a lot. I think part of my problem also stems from continued contact with him for little reasons. Do you think it would be best for me to set a new boundary and say no contact unless you're willing to change? That might help my peace. But still, how long does that go on? If only I could see into the future! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can't advice you to stay in contact with your H or not. Only YOU can decide on what's best for you. You are the driver of this car and people may tell you different directions to take but keep in mind that YOU have control of where to go.Victims of abusers experience such ambivalent feelings about leaving or staying. This is the reason why so many go back to their abusive spouse. From my own experience, I know that when you are ready, you will leave. I've gotten to this point only after I have learned to love myself and find the value in me. I knew then that I deserve better and that martyrdom is not the way to live my life. I have no regrets staying in that marriage for 6 years, I have 2 beautiful daughters from him. As I did myself a favor getting out of that abusive relationship, it was even a bigger favor to my children. I can't even imagine the emotional impact it would have caused them had I stayed. So you see, there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Shootingstar