Ok.........we have no communication. We have been apart since last Septmeber and divorce is dragging. We have a 3 1/2 yr old D. I want to work on M she doesnt. I send home with D (in her bag) cards showing how much I care for my family and her. I have done very nice things for W even though I get treated terrible. We are now to the lawyers negotiating a decree.....but still no rough draft decree. I know she has dated. I don't know if she has a permenant BF though. I miss her and want to do anything to reconcile. I have proposed extensive marriage counseling and I know she has to see the changes in me. I feel them and see them.

Has anyone ever been to this point and turned it around? Reconciling is a nice idea, but I just can't see it since we have been through so much, we have been apart so long and we don't communicate. If you have ever been the person who filed and did this to your spouse......what made you change your mind or persuaded you? I have tried to be so nice to her and made many promises, but to no avail. We have been together 6 1/2 years and married 3 1/2.

I haven't turned it around, and don't want to, but we sought counseling post-separation to work on communication for the benefit of the children. I highly recommend it. It may be a way back. But at the base, consider it what it is, beneficial for your D.

The longer you stay separated with no communication, the less chance that the marriage will stay in tact. That is just a fact. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I've been married for the past 17 years and found out last year that my husband is having an affair. It now has been going on for about a year and a half and he has filed for divorce. Although I don't want the divorce I had lawyer ready to go. I've known about the affair from almost the beging. His actions spoke louder then words. I've completed all of the required paperwork and classes that we are obligated to attend - for our 4 year old daughter. I still don't want the divorce but he still will not communicate with me, it is like pulling teeth. He recently didn't attend our daughters dance recital and then tried to blame her for not calling him. M-F he sleeps at home Sat & Sunday he stays at gf's house. I know that he has received documents from his lawyer such as I had and completed. It looks as if he hasn't touched the paperwork at all. I am not sure on how to read him any more. He did file for divorce but the way he is acting is as if he is not totally sure. He also maintains the yard, has planted a garden and continues to buy flower bulbs for next year. We sleep in the same bed (nothing physical going on). But, talk is limited. What do you think?

Give it up and move on. That sounds a bit harsh and cruel, but once a woman's mind is made up, there isn't a chance of changing it. I know. I've been right where you are. The best advice that I can offer, is that time heals all things. You don't want to hear that right now, but you'll remember it ten years down the road, and you say it to someone who is where you are right now.

AA---no one on this board wants a divorce. That is what first brought us all here. We wanted to hold on to all hope that things could be fixed. Wellllll the ones on D/D boards did not get to see things fixed but we have learned alot about why this could have happened, and what we will not do again to keep this from happening.

Your W's lack of desire to communicate and work on M is an indicator of the possible end of your M. You cannot make a M work alone. Believe me, I have tried it and IT DOES NOT WORK. It will only make you crazy inside and create problems. You have to concentrate on being there for your D and learning about yourself to change your contribution to the failure of your M. There is so much wisdom to learn from all those who have been were you are and there is so much self-awareness avaialable here to help a person grow in the best that they can be.

If you change and show signs of being different, you never know how that will effect your W but don't change for her. It will never be genuine and complete if you change for anyone else but yourself.

Brindle----you have been living with your H for a year and half who has a GF? How can you do that and still be sane???? No matter how much you want your M to work, if he does nothing, it will not work. How long can you enable him to live this way???? Why does he have to rush with anything, he has the comforts of home and a exciting A going on at the same time....How do you handle Sat/Sun when you know where he is? What do you tell your D when he is not there for entire weekend? Have you read about Plan A?

TW

TW -
When I confirmed my H's affair he made the mistake of telling me that myself and daughter can leave anytime. Mistake one thinking I was going to leave our house and let him off that easy. He works nights so M-F are pretty easy only have to deal with him when we exchange our daughter in the parking lot at work. Sat. & Sun. I find it easier when he stays away. I keep track of the fact that he is willing to leave the house for 2 1/2 days a week and on holidays and then claim to his lawyer that he wants the house and we can use "his" address so that our daughter can attend the grammar school that she has been very excited about attending. What a great guy, huh. I have known him most of my life we grew up together and I have always known him to get whatever he wanted just because he was the "cool" guy, the Marine and one that basically could bully someone with a glance. But not this time. Sure I sometime wonder about my sanity but I think he will be the first to lose it. His money is running out and his GF is very expense - $200.00 a weekend. I don't think he realizes he will have to account to the weekend expenditures to the court. I'm waiting in the wings and ready to ambush him as the divorce progresses. Right now I pretend to him like I'm Mary Poppins but in the end I guess the Wicked Witch will have a repeat preformance.

Brindle---thanks for clarifying. You sound like you have a handle on things and you seem to not be in great anguish with him living out his A in front of your face. I could not stand that. We lived in separate rooms for months but I still felt WS had no right to come and go as he wanted to.

I understand what you mean about not leaving and loosing everything. I forced WS out then he came back without my full agreement and there was nothing I could do about it. He had every right to live in his house. It was the worst time of my life when he came back....worse than when I discovered the A. I moved as we were finalizing our separation agreement so thank God, I did not get screwed. My WS has not done anything to hurt me financially....to the contrary, he has been above board in taking proper care of me financially.

Funny---my WS is "cool", too and women just love him.

When will your divorce be final? How is your daughter doing through all this? Are you learning thing on this website to help you and her?

TW

Well I don't want my divorce either, or I should say I didn't want my divorce either.

I am at the point, where my wife tried to make me lose
everything, she had suddenly filed r/o, took kids, had me tossed from house, she had new boyfriend who was taking my place right off the bat, he was able to go to my house, see my kids, come and go as he pleased, while I was restrained from even trying to contact my wife of 17 years, I guess she had quit trying long ago, and was busy constructing the pieces of her new puzzle
( life ), while my puzzle ( life ) was about to be shaken and stirred and dumped upside down with all the pieces scattered, ( I think she is even hiding some of the pieces of my life ), so it is not this easy to recover.
I just had court last week for criminal charges on violation of r/o, making a phone call from not the phone my wife deemed acceptable ( strange ).
In the process I had to quit my job because of the arrest ( law enforcement job ), hard to find job at what I am qualified for during this last month due to charges, now that is cleared somewhat, I may be able to get similar job.
Although due to r/o this may limit my oppurtunity to go to work for county law enforcement ( they have training in firearms, which my r/o restricts )

Now I really wanted to try, we have 2 kids that I raised, and she has taken and is having her parents take care of ( not good situation for kids ), but how could after all she has put me thru, why would I ( now ) even want to try.
We have a depositon set this week, I just want at least equal time with my kids, ( she has made me out to be some monster, just by her word )

So their are others who would have done anything to at least try to make it work, it's funny how there are all these groups and things the courts send you to make your divorce work, it's too bad
they don't have things before it gets to this to help people make their marriages work.

Thanks

AlanA - those of us on this board didn't want a divorce. I for one didn't, but my divorce became final Friday. It is part of the wayward spouse scenario. They get what they want, the whole thing from the first contact to their illusion to the end of signing the paper.

Read the various posts. There are many things that you can try to do. But if only one person is working on the marriage, there is no possible chance to reconcile. That was my case. I worked and my hsuband didn't budge. So I am divorced, and not enjoying it. But moving on, cause there is nothing else to do at this point.

Your wife sounds like she is in deep fogg.. and there seems like no other avenue. You will have to think this out, and decide what you want to do. If she is not moving towards the marriage, there may be only one route to go, The sinful Divorce.

Alan,

I'm no expert, so know that, but I am also going to disagree with most of what the others have posted here.

First, have you read Dr. Harley's book SAA?

If so, do you remember Plan A and Plan B?

If not, go back to the main page and follow the links on Plan A and Plan B, and buy the book, if you haven't already.

Here is my point. Dr. Harley says that in Plan B he recommends that you cut off all contact with the spouse, and if possible, when arrangements can be handled with children, that you move away.

I would suggest that you go to the General Questions and look up threads with Cerri, Mortarman, and his plan to Marathonman, and also Carokh, who have had success.

Also, I highly recommend that you look up the 180degree method, I really think that is what you need right now. If I am understanding you, you are being way to nice, and that isn't the point of the plan. Do some research, please.

Remember, your WW will not want someone she doesn't think someone else will find desireable, and she won't want to come home if she knows that you are at her beck and call to do what she wants.

You have nothing to lose, so why not try something else, another plan, another way???

There have been couples on this site who have even divorced and remarried. I think you should keep trying until you absolutely feel that You don't want this marriage.

Anyway, I'm no expert and certainly the others speak with more experience than me, but check out the threads, it might give you some hope.

God Bless You, cajeanie

TW -
I am at the very beginning of the divorce process. I'm not sure how other state work but in where I live they have a 90 day cooling off period in hopes that you can work it out. In this 90 days you also have to go to parenting classes and start your financials for the court. Even though I do not want the divorce I have completed all of the paperwork requirement to my lawyer for the court. There is a document called "discovery" in which he will have to name his GF and things like how many times and where he has committed adultrey. If he lies then the GF will have to go to court and testify. At that point I have names and phones numbers of others that have either been out with them or know of the affair. His lawyer took a copy of what my lawyer sent and asked for my discovery package. I do have to say mine is pretty boring. No interesting reading there. His on the other hand my be quite interesting to his lawyer, I have a very strong feeling that he never told her that he had a GF and has been having an affair for almost two years. You asked how do I stand it? I think it drives him crazy that I am acting like "Mary Poppins". He is the one dragging his butt around and the pissy look on his face all of the time. He should be dancing on cloud nine he's getting what he wants, right?
My daugher has good days and bad. Sunday night - Thursday she does pretty well. But, Friday and Saturday have been very difficult. This past Saturday she was up off and on most of the night crying for her Daddy. When she called him around 11:00pm he just kept telling her to go to sleep she was over tired. Then she became uncontrollable emotionally. I just let her cry, I think she really needed to. She hasn't really cried over this yet and I think it was a long time coming. Since then she has not wanted to call him. When I told him on Monday how upset she was he denied ever talking to her. Must have been one hell of a party he was at. The music was so loud I could hear it from where I was sitting when she talked to him. I did have to tell her that in the near future it maybe that we all three will not be living together any more. She took it quite well. I'm not sure how much longer he can hold out. I have the ability to wait this out as long as it takes. I have a lot of patience when it comes to something I know I have to do and believe in. The only way I am leaving this house is if the court tells me I have to. If that happens I have already been preapproved for a morgage and have been looking at houses just in case.