I've been divorced now for 3 years. My x had an affair that led to the end of my marriage (which wasn't a healthy marriage to begin with but we were married for 13 years and have 2 girls). He got involved with a 20 year old girl in his office (he was 40) when he started a new job. Although, I was devastated at the time by the affair, I understood why it happened. Classic Harley stuff. And, forgave him.

However, I am now in a relationship with a really great man. We have been dating for 10 months and have a great relationship. We even took a pre-marital compatibility test recently and scored extremely high. I've never been in a relationship this easy. However, with that said and done, I have found that I'm very insecure about other women. And, it's not that he isn't trustworthy. He hasn't done anything to lead me to believe he would have an affair. But, either did my husband. So, I have now realized that I'm afraid that one day, I might not be enough for him or might not deposit enough in his love bank, etc. and he might end up wanting someone else or having an affair one day. I've talked to him about this and he assured me that he loves me and that I stole his heart some time ago and that I shouldn't worry about that. But, even so, I still am dealing with this insecurity.

I got so depressed the last time I started reading the book on how to avoid affairs. It made me very nervous about ever being married again because the possibility of affairs happening seemed very high. Is anyone else having these concerns?

Will we ever be able to trust 100% again or not have these worries? We were planning on going to a singles beach retreat Labor Day weekend with about 800 other singles from our church (some couples attend but not many). We are active in a fellowship group for single parents so we know a lot of single people and the retreat is a blast. But, I'm worried that I will be uncomfortable or get jealous being around so many single women who don't know we are a couple. And, don't really want my boyfriend being around his single men friends who will be checking out the girls, etc. And, I know that stems from my fears and insecurity. I do trust him but find I don't even want him looking at all. I would rather just not subject ourselves to that environment at all. But, that's probably not fair.

So, I'm now trying to decide what do do. Should we go? Would other women feel this way or is it just me? I obviously need further healing in this area and will continue to work on this. But, until I'm fully healed, should I subject myself to this environment?

I just wish I still didn't have these feelings of insecurity. And, I do see a counselor and will talk to her about this soon. But, would like the opinions of those here.

Thanks!

Not I......first of all my fiance was married to a serial cheater, and even though he dogged her, she would not go out on him. Me, my EX had OM and probably had an EA at least or two while we were married. I didnt have another myself either. So, both of us HATE affairs.....it destroys trust, and a relationship. I trust my fiance with all my heart. Also, I always trust until the trust is broken also. Once that is done.....Im purty much finished with you. Hope this helped in some way. God Bless!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for your message. I agree that we should trust until we have reason not to trust. I don't want to project what my x did to me on my new boyfriend. Affairs do damage our ability to trust. I'm glad to see that you and your fiance aren't having the same issues I am having now.

Thankfully, my boyfriend is very understanding and we are able to talk honestly about our issues. And, I'm hopeful that one day, I will work through my insecurity issues.

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: 711 ]</small>

Jen - so far I really haven't.

But I've only had one serious relationship since my d.

Wait, I take that back. Yes, I do have trust issues sort of. But, so far, not with cheating. With other things. But I know that they are all my stuff.

Good to hear from you.

Well, I guess I still have some work to do. I'm glad to hear that everyone else is healing well!

Good to hear from you princess. I couldn't believe it when I saw your post still going strong!

Take care,
Jen

Now.....I do need to say this 711, my fiance admits she has trust issues. As well she should, since she caught her WH red handed with at least 3-4 females. She caught him walking out of bars, and nightclubs and things like that. I totally understand though........because her EX would say he is working late, wouldnt answer his cell and things like that. Well, If I were to do that, even if it were legitimate, I can understand her insecurities.

Thanks for the further clarification. I think I probably should have asked if anyone else still had feelings of insecurity based on their x's affairs that were carrying over to their new relationships regardless of how wonderful the new person was.

I did think it was ironic that when I logged onto the internet a few minutes ago this article was posted (It's seeing so much of this all the time, that keeps me worried):


HOW Many Husbands and Wives Cheat?
Fully 25 percent of wives and 44 percent of husbands cheat on their spouses--and that's just a mid-range estimate, reports the Minneapolis Star Tribune. And here's the really scary part: Infidelity can happen to good people in good marriages. Psychologist Shirley P. Glass, author of "Not 'Just Friends': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," primarily places the blame for all this cheating on three factors:
--Friendships at work
--Child-centered marriages
--Intimate Internet conversations

Get Not 'Just Friends': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal" by Shirley Glass from Amazon.com for $17.50, a 30 percent savings.

Glass says today's workplace infidelity is less likely to be between the boss and the secretary and more likely to be between colleagues who are drawn close in a shared project or deadline. Oddly, she says that the people who indulge in these affairs often have very happy marriages. Glass also blames what she calls "child-centered marriages," in which couples focus their energy on their kids' lives, while they neglect their own. (Hint: This is you if the only thing you have to talk about is the what the kids are doing.) She also points a guilty finger at the Internet where people believe that betrayal through e-mail and Instant Messenger isn't real infidelity.

Find out the leading cause of divorce in America. It's not infidelity. The answer may surprise you.

So if you found out your lover was cheating on you, what would you do if you wanted to get revenge? HealthScoutNews reports that a new study by the State University of New York at Albany says it all depends on your gender. Women are most likely to attack their lovers. Men are most likely to attack their rivals.

Find out how one woman violently attacked her husband when she learned of his affair.

Um, 711, I'm a little confused - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> (It's pretty much a permanent condition) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You say you have been "in a relationship and dating" for 10 months? - that you are both "active in a fellowship group for single parents"?

Do I have that right?

Are you saying people in your fellowship group don't know that you are a "couple?"

I believe before I went attended the retreat under those conditions, I'd make sure everyone knew you were a couple.....

If he isn't willing to do that at this point, I believe I'd have trust issues too!

JMVHO,

God Bless,

To further confuse things, I'm replying under a new name now.

Sorry for the confusion. We have been dating for 10 months and people in our fellowship group know we are a couple. However, our church is huge and there are probably 10 other single fellowship groups that meet in different locations. So, when you go to this retreat, you know your group but there are many people that you don't know. About 800 to 1000 singles attend.

The more I have been thinking about this, going on the retreat will probably be just fine. It will be obvious that we are a couple. I guess my real issue is why I feel insecure around other women. I find myself comparing myself to them and always coming up short. And, wonder if that's because of the affair. I thought I had gotten over that issue but find myself really worrying about whether I will be enough in the long run with this guy. He assures me that I am but inside I still worry. It's not his fault, it's just that I am realizing now that I still have some healing to do in this area. I know that I shouldn't compare myself with others but find myself doing that anyway. I guess I will just need to continue to pray for additional healing in this area. I don't want to be this way in our relationship. I want to feel secure. Is it normal to still have these concerns at this stage of the game? How long does it take to get over an affair and the effect it has on our self esteem?

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: 711Returns ]</small>

Well, i don't have any trust issues, because i associate trust to individuals, not people in positions. . . I try not to take my X's crazy behavior personally, and i don't judge other women by her actions. . .

I have a GF and i trust her completely, and i hope she does the same with me, because she can call me at any time, any place, and i will answer all questions she has truthfully, as best i can. Now she is not anything like my X, and so our conversations and communications are easy, and we actually pretty much look at life the same way, with some minor differences. . .

Do i worry if she compares me to other people? no, because in some respects that is natural, its a possibility. Do i compare her against other people? once in a while, but only for a brief moment, and then it passes, and life goes on. . . am i the best for her? that's up to her to decide. is she the best for me? right now, with all that i know, i am sure there is someone better out there for me, BUT i suspect it will take a long time to find that person, and truthfully, its not worth the tons of extra effort to find that person for the little extra better over my current GF. . .

so realistically, unless he has any big red flags, and he comes from a similar background as you, where you have some commonalities, in the major life areas, education, beliefs, values, then i would say to work on yourself to learn to separate him from your X, and you will be fine. . .

and unless you are going to have kids together, which i don't think you are planning on, there is no rush to get married, so enjoy your time together, and don't rush into anything without alot of agreement. . .

wiftty

Did you ever read the popular 'Buddha' book that I recommended some time ago? "If the Buddha Dated"

It got a lot of discussion. My old counselor recommended it. Don't know it might be helpful for you at this time. As a Christian, I was not offended by anything the author said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">is she the best for me? right now, with all that i know, i am sure there is someone better out there for me, BUT i suspect it will take a long time to find that person, and truthfully, its not worth the tons of extra effort to find that person for the little extra better over my current GF. . .</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wiffty, if I were your gf and I read that, I'd be MIGHTY upset with you. Good thing that isn't the scenario, huh.

Trust will not develop until it is tested. That is my opinion. You trust that he is in love with you, because you see how he acts. You trust that he will call you, date you, want you, because situations arise in which choices can be made to the contrary and he comes through.

My opinion is that you will never develop trust in your relationship without working on that trust first. It is not something that just happens out of the blue. It is developed by allowing for life to occur and then seeing what happens. I think that a GREAT place to do this would be on your outing. It might be hard, but what better place to test yourself and your boyfriend than at a place essentially designed to meet other people. You want to be able to trust him, but you don't want to allow him the freedom to be trusted. It is like riding a bicycle with training wheels, you will never know whether you can or not until they come off and you see what happens. Sure, things might be a bit swervey for a while as you gain trust by seeing him in situations in which he could cheat, but doesn't. But in the end, your relationship will be stronger for it.

If other women don't know that you are a couple, then he will tell them that he has someone special. If he doesn't, wouldn't you rather know that now rather than a year from now?

Wow, thanks everyone. That's just what I needed to hear.

It's great to hear from you WIFTY. It's been a long time. I'm glad to hear you are doing well. And, your comments were right on.

Cinderella - I did read the Buddha book. I'll pull it back out and read again.

Formerly Confused - I think you are right about the trust issue. What better environment to test out the waters than a beach retreat. I really do trust him. I think I have been more worried about trusting the women around him vs. him. Last night, I was thinking about all of this and realized that I need to change my mindset. I can't allow myself to become distrustful of others based on what happened to me some time ago. I have no reason to distrust the man I'm with now. Or, distrust other women based on the affair either.

I'm very thankful for all of your advice. You have made me realize that I really have nothing to worry about. Just some doubts and insecurites that need to be cast out at last.

I do have a wonderful relationship with this man and I don't need to stress out over something that is most likely not going to happen. We are so compatible and we are so much alike. And, we both agree on what it takes to keep a relationship healthy. He has been divorced for over 5 years and we are so similar and how we look at things, what is important to us, and how important it is to look at ourselves and not the other person when things go wrong. We both know what we did wrong the first time and hope to not make the same mistakes the second time around. And, there really is no rush right now. We are taking our time and doing things pretty much by the book right now. And, the results have been very positive!

I do not think there is any way you can predict that someone will have an affair. Obviously, it makes sense to avoid people who you know have been unfaithful, but even among those who apparently have always been faithful, there is no way to tell. I had absolutely no idea my H would be unfaithful, and even looking back I don't see how I could have seen it as a possibility.

The only thing one can do is make absolutely certain that you will be financially stable if the event that one's spouse deserts you. Even though I think it is often beneficial for the kids to be a SAHM, it is not safe. It is far too risky to ever be financially dependent on anyone else.

I am also not at all sure that it is a good idea to get too attached to one's BF/spouse. Although on the one hand, guarding your heart may have a negative affect on the relationship, the alternative is far, far worse. Then again, perhaps remaining slightly distant will decrease the chance of the spouse deserting you, since men (and probably women) often prefer something they can not have.

Hi Nellie,

I think you are right regarding being financially stable on your own. Luckily, I am in that position now. Of course, just like we can't predict an affair, we also can't predict a job loss in this economy. So, I'm saving as much as I can these days.

What does SAHM mean?

I'll have to think on the suggestion about guarding my heart and staying slightly distant. I have never been one to do that. I usually give relationships all I have. And, if you hold back something, wouldn't the spouse sense that and that could possibily lead to looking for someone else who will give them more. Again, I think you are right, there really isn't a way to predict or protect ourselves from affairs. They happen in all kinds of scenarios. I guess we just step out in faith and hope for the best. That's all we can do if we want to be in relationshps going forward.

Lucks, she's not perfect, i am not perfect, . .
but we make a very great couple. . . she covers 95% of everything i am looking for. . . my point is that i could spend a ton more time and effort looking for perfection, and what is the last 5% going to get me?

just like with jen, she has a nice guy, they get along. . she is not trusting or she is afraid, of failure? or of success? she appears to be fearing success. . .

what i am pointing out is that there is no perfection, or its very hard to find, yet one can live a very happy life at 95%, which is an A, just not an A+. . . . I am not going to fear success, i am not going to bring doubts into my mind because i miss my GF on weekends when i am alone and she can't be here. . .

I am going to approach the relationship positively and not worry that there might be someone out there just a tad better. . . i am not going to be GREEDY and i am not going to be nit picky, and i am not going to be plagued with self doubt and low self esteem. . .

and when those very occassional doubts come into my mind, i let them pass through, don't dwell on them. . . .

wiftty

I always like what you have to say Wiftty.

I think my boyfriend is of the same mindset of you. He is happy with me and I need to believe him when he says that and not think that he might still be searching for something better. I'm not. You're not. And, I agree it's just not worth the effort trying to find someone who might be better but probably won't be in the long run. There is no Mr. or Ms. Perfect. Having been a perfectionist for so long, I know that better than anyone. I'm no longer expecting perfection from myself or from the people around me. It has been very liberating for me and my friends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

And, great advice to not dwell on things. I need to stop the negative thinking when it starts and just let it go.

Jen

ask him sometime what he likes about you, and see if you agree with his reasons. . .

the reason i like my GF is that she is funny, extremely funny, that she is adventurous, she is extremely kind and thoughtful, that she loves recreational activities and traveling, she does not fuss about my being not a good housekeeper (I hate it, I don't have that gene!) her values are similar to mine, and she can be very resourceful, and a great possibility thinker, to come up with great ideas for us. . .

if we get into a disagreement, she knows how to handle it well, although we don't disagree on much, and i make it a point in my life to be as honest and sensitive as i can, as i know her feelings can get hurt very easily. . .

in reference to what my last 5% is? she could live closer and be richer. . . am i going to keep looking for a similar person on my street that is rich? or am i going to stretch myself to be adventurous and go beyond the local town to find happiness?

wiftty

Hey!!!I want to know what church you go to that has 800+ single people available to go on a retreat???Can I come too???

Anyway, I also have these trust issues, and I dont know how long it will take to get over. But then even Steve Harley says in his book...You are not supposed to trust completely as this is how affairs begin. You should always know what is going on with the other person.

Id like to read more replys on this. I will get back later.
smiles,
Dawn