Never in a million years did I ever expect the man I was with to cheat on me. Well he did and with the worst person possible. How often does this happen in relationships? Because this has happened to everyone I know. Is there anyone here it hasn't happened to??

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 06:12 PM: Message edited by: Christine27 ]</small>

I was curious was he still married when you were dating him? did you live with him before his
divorce or after.

no all people do not cheat. I NEVER cheated and I am almost 60 and my husband was abusive and he cheated..I DID NOT nor had any desire to.
I truly loved him with all I had.

some people make wrong choices and are impulsive and are lustful.

they have no moral concience and are not accountable to anyone.

they think the laws and rules do not apply to them.

then there are us!! those who do not stray. and have our hearts broken beyond repair.

Think about it..you need to get away from this bad person, before he continues to destroy you.
walk away while you still have all your senses about you.

He may have loved you for awile but it was a sick love, something he could get from you..not the real thing. If you think about it long enough and don't deny the way he really treated you, you will see it..

HE didn't belong to you in the first place..and his wife is no better but that does not mean you need a degenerate for a husband.

Don't you think you deserve someone who will love and cherish you?
why was he even in contact with her>?

why don't you change the locks on your doors?
why worry about you moving? HE has moved on without you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Giving him sex now would be disrespecting yourself don't degrade yourself.

do you like to be afflicted by painful experiences? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Get him out of your life totally,
take care..Keep on Keeping on..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Christine27:
<strong>Never in a million years did I ever expect the man I was with to cheat on me. Well he did and with the worst person possible. How often does this happen in relationships? Because this has happened to everyone I know. Is there anyone here it hasn't happened to??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly it happens more than you would probably like to know. I feel the same way......almost every single solitary person I know has had an affair at some point in their marriage. I mean almost EVERYBODY!!!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

No, everybody doesn't cheat although it really does seem like that sometimes. I felt exactly the same way you feel now when my x husband cheated. I never expected that out of him. Looking back now, I see that I should have based on the state of our marriage, but it was beyond my comprehension at the time and I remember saying that I will never be able to trust again if he could do that. I just didn't think he was capable of that. But, unfortunately, I now know that he was capable of it because he had become so vulnerable after years and years in a marriage where there was no affection and love given by either party. Without that, unfortunately even people who never thought they would ever do something like that end up doing it and ultimately regret it down the road. Even if it doesn't seem like they have any or will ever have regrets. I'm still not completely over my x husband's affair. I still have some trust issues to work through but find that I understand a lot more now why affairs happen. It may help for you to read through Harley's materials. It has helped me understand why it happened.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

i think that there is NO marriage where (at least one) spouse never cheated on the other one

there are just people they never learn about it

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Guernica ]</small>

I know of quite a few marriages that never strayed - my parents - my grandparents, a number of aunts and uncles who have been married close to 50 years.

I KNOW deep in my heart that NO MATTER WHAT was going on in my marriage, I WOULD NEVER cheat on a wife of mine. Never. AND IT WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HER - It is something that I believe in. It is a fundamental rule of my life.

Now I just need to find a woman who feels the same. See I don't look at a marriage as just "being in love" everyday, lalalala... walking through the roses... I see that the most successful marriages are friendships and partnerships that are based ON LOVE, NOT on being "in love".

For I have seen many marriages go through times where neither spouse seemed to have much love for each other, but they stayed true to their word through the dark periods, and for that God blessed them with not just a return of their original love for each other, but an explosion of that love for each other.

But marriage these days is a state of our society and this world - it used to be a handshake was all that was needed for a bond between people. Now everyone feels they are entitled to everything. No one ever promised us happiness in this life. Most of those who cheat, feel something is "owed" to them that they aren't getting.

The people that cheat once are human and made a mistake. The ones that do it more than once have problems within themselves. They aren't necessarily "bad" people, they just fall short as mature people.

(by the way, never proved it, but pretty sure my X cheated on me)

i think that there is NO marriage where (at least one) spouse never cheated on the other one

there are just people they never learn about it
Wow, you are really bitter about something.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoTired2000:

The people that cheat once are human and made a mistake. The ones that do it more than once have problems within themselves. They aren't necessarily "bad" people, they just fall short as mature people. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, ST2000, how do you classify the ones that insist there is no problem when you try to talk to them about the problems, then behind your back head to the personals looking for a replacement?

I've always felt the same as you....marriage was more about partnership and working together to stay in love. And my WS always stated he felt the same...that he would never cheat on me. And then he purposely set out to find other people. I'm feeling like I can NEVER trust anyone again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>

penguin,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've always felt the same as you....marriage was more about partnership and working together to stay in love. And my WS always stated he felt the same...that he would never cheat on me. And then he purposely set out to find other people. I'm feeling like I can NEVER trust anyone again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so you are you taking the actions of your spouse as the general characteristic of that whole gender's characteristics? why are you taking his lack of character/immaturity as representative of everyone? instead of attaching it directly to him?

are you as nieve to believe that people can't / won't make mistakes? do you believe that everyone thinks/feels the same way as you do?

wiftty

Just by the question, it would seem that you are lumping yourself in the potential 'cheater' category as well. Be careful with what you are asking.

No, they don't all cheat. You didn't. I certainly didn't. But on the other hand, never did I imagine that I would contribute to the kind of marriage that would result in a WW so unhappy that she went elsewhere to find love and happiness rather than trying to make me understand how she was feeling. That is no excuse for what my W did, but I do accept my responsibility for the state of the marriage.

I also never thought that my W would 'cheat'. Later I learned that not only did my WW have affairs (at least x3) but her mother and grandmother also did during their marriages. It took me a while to comprehend the news. When my MIL shared this news with me, it almost felt like she was telling me that 'it' happens, get over it.

HoFS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong>penguin,

so you are you taking the actions of your spouse as the general characteristic of that whole gender's characteristics? why are you taking his lack of character/immaturity as representative of everyone? instead of attaching it directly to him?

are you as nieve to believe that people can't / won't make mistakes? do you believe that everyone thinks/feels the same way as you do?

wiftty</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, this is only the second time I've posted, and already I'm feeling a bit attacked here!

First of all.... I absolutely believe people can make mistakes. But I can't help but feeling that a mistake is more along the lines of running into someone who fulfills needs during a time when things are rough at home. Him having a spouse at home wanting to talk and find out the problems, and deciding to go to personals and find OPs (multiple OPs over several years) doesn't feel like a mistake, it feels like a very deliberate and selfish decision.

<Edited to add - BTW, I definitely take responsibility for helping contribute to the problems in the marriage....but when I tried to find out what I needed to do to fix things, I basically got "problems, what problems?" from him. And found out much later that seeking a replacement was the way he wanted to deal with it.>

And the trust thing.... that has far less to do with other people, or completely branding one gender, than it does with myself. If I could be with this person > 10 years, and find out he could be lying to me so extensively for probably at least 1/3 of that time, maybe more, how do I ever trust my own judgement again?

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>

HoFS,

In a sense there really are only two "people" you can trust - yourself and God. And some of the time you can't even trust yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We are all human - we all make mistakes. That is our nature.

Sure you want to do your best to find someone that you can trust with your heart, but like many have found out, even those who seem so perfect, might not be...

For me, I don't just look for a woman who I see as being faithful to me, I look for a woman who has a moral focus in her life. Someone that has a strong "center" - who doesn't lie, who doesn't take the short cuts in life. If you look hard at someone, sure there are faults that if you love them, you ignore. But moral faults shouldn't be overlooked - not even the most minor ones.

But don't give up on everyone. There are MANY trustworthy people out there! Just because we were hurt before, we can't allow ourselves to live by our fears... Take it from me, I just learned that lesson again very recently in my life.

Finally, a good friend of mine told me about her favorite "Love Triangle" - She drew a triangle in the dirt and on the top she wrote "God" - Then at the other corners she wrote "husband" and "wife" respectively. As both husband and wife travel up the triangle towards a closer relationship with God, they have no choice but to be drawn to a closer relationship with each other. I can't remember where I read it, but there was a passage that goes something like "A marriage in and of itself is an impossibility for human beings, the only way it can survive is with God's help".

I realize that was a big flaw in my first marriage. We both "said" we had faith in our lives, but it was more "going through the motions" and it was a personal faith, not a faith shared as a couple...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
mike

The facts are somewhere in the neighborhood I think that 68% of people cheat. And that's the one's that were honest on this questionaiire (I think it was Maxim or Details or some magazine like that).

I'm sorry, but I think what we do in monagamy is in deirect contrast with our instincts as a species to survive and reproduce. When the stars are not completely aligned it is too easy to give way to the "urge".

My cynical, sad and honest 2 cents,
Jack

...Further more I believe the maturation of women's liberation and the massive proliferations of communication (internet, email, cell phones, pagers) ahve absoultely and easily enabled NON-monogamous behavior. I think that the next 10 years or so we're all crashtest dummies. It won't be til after that that all the psychology and boks will be written to HONESTLY and EFFECTIVELY deal with Modern Realtionships. Sad, cynical, but probably accurate.

Jack

>>I'm sorry, but I think what we do in monagamy
>>is in deirect contrast with our instincts as a
>>species to survive and reproduce. When the
>>stars are not completely aligned it is too easy
>>to give way to the "urge".

I somewhat agree, which is why I said that a marriage has a much better chance of survival if God is present in the marriage. As a moral compass to both spouses...

Mike

Christine, if you are going to indict a whole group of people, I wonder what other groups you are going to indict as well.

Christine, if you are going to indict a whole group of people,
??? She questioned if it happened to everyone, she didn’t make a statement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong>Christine, if you are going to indict a whole group of people,
??? She questioned if it happened to everyone, she didn’t make a statement.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, I've better go take my medicine and lie down.

I gotta agree with SoTired2000. Not everyone cheats. Cheating is not a "mistake"...it's a choice..

I know, as well as I know my own face in the mirror, that I would NEVER cheat. It's a decision I made a long time ago. It'll never happen. It's not something I'm going to "slip up" on.

*I've never "accidentally" had sex with a goat....

*I've never "slipped up" and murdered someone....

*I've never "mistakenly" abused a child....

These things DON'T "just happen." People choose to live with a moral code in their life, or to live without one or with a compromised one. Period.

Aloha,
Ms.O

PS I don't say this to say that I'm perfect...far from it...but I do have the Lord in my life which gives me the ability to stand firm in these statements.

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

penguin:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Him having a spouse at home wanting to talk and find out the problems, and deciding to go to personals and find OPs (multiple OPs over several years) doesn't feel like a mistake, it feels like a very deliberate and selfish decision.

<Edited to add - BTW, I definitely take responsibility for helping contribute to the problems in the marriage....but when I tried to find out what I needed to do to fix things, I basically got "problems, what problems?" from him. And found out much later that seeking a replacement was the way he wanted to deal with it.>

And the trust thing.... that has far less to do with other people, or completely branding one gender, than it does with myself. If I could be with this person > 10 years, and find out he could be lying to me so extensively for probably at least 1/3 of that time, maybe more, how do I ever trust my own judgement again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you assume that your judgement was fine to begin with? Why do you assume that you can't learn new information or do you assume that you are fully educated?

you can learn to trust by educating yourself on how relationships work, how people work, and how people interact, in good ways and bad ways. There are tons of books to read to learn about personality issues, FOO, family of origin issues, personality disorders, there is tons of information to learn. And once you learn all this stuff, then figure out individuals, their motivations, their weakness, their viewpoints, won't be such a mystery, and you can be able to make the decision to trust based upon information and knowledge, not just upon some sort of random feeling of the moment. . . .

you can do it, you just have challenge yourself to learn, and study, and not assume that you can't know as much as needed.

wiftty

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>