Hello I have been seperated for a month,due to my drinking,when I get drunk I act like an idiot,verbally abusive to my W and others,the problem is I never remember any of it,I have blackouts,and it's no excuse.Idon't drink like this very often,but when I do I sometime get into trouble,I just could not see what I was doing to myself and others,and I want to stop.I am doing AA and have found it very helpful,I don't like blackouts. My W left and I don't blame her.We talk every day in person by phone and e-mail.I really love her and I think she loves me,but she say's she needs more time to get her head straight. And I understand that.I live in the house and she's at her parents,she doesn't tell them we are in contact,she say's she is a big girl and can think on her own,she just needs time.I want to live a sober and happy life with her,and I want her to see I am trying,she won't see a councilor,she feels she does not need one, I know I do.I know she is confused but what can I do to prove to her that I am very serious about our relationship.I know I can change,I believe I have already,slow but sure,I never meant to hurt her and I think she knows that.We have a good marriage except for the times I would get drunk,I just hope she has not given up on us.I know I'm working on myself.And I hope she can be there to see me through.Is there any hope for us.Thanks......

<small>[ June 25, 2003, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: rileyboy246 ]</small>

rileyboy246,

Realize that your wife has been putting up with this for some time. That means this won't be "fixed" overnight. She probably needs to see that you are serious with the AA. The only way that will happen is with time, so prepare yourself that this may take longer than what you would like.

Also about the counseling, go to the counselor yourself first... Then ask your wife to come with you, for YOUR benefit, so that the counselor can hear her verion of your behavior. Try to get her to see the going to counseling as something "for you", not something that "she" needs to do... It might just get her there...

But above all, continue working hard on yourself. Drinking has killed many a marriage. Like I said, it is good that you are going to AA - KEEP going. Focus on bettering yourself in as many ways as you can... Maybe start going to the gym or running... Pick up a new hobby. Donate some time to a community organization. Things that will benefit you first and foremost. Then your wife will start to take notice of the changes you are making within yourself...

One thing to remember though, if/when your wife comes back, do NOT revert to your old behavior. If you do, and she is forced to leave again, know that it is very unlikely she will ever give you another chance...

But there is hope! There is always hope!

Now you can relate to that old saying "You never know what you have, until it is gone.." - How true that is...

God Bless...
Mike

First of all, you must stop drinking. And not for a short term. Not decrease. Trying is all great and good, but if you continue, you will revert, so the trying thing doesn't really mean much in the end. Doing is all you can do. And it is up to you.

Perhaps if you continue your sobriety, she will feel that she can once again be with you. Perhaps, she will simply say that she cannot trust that you have changed, but will wish you well.

As far as a counselor for her goes... perhaps it would be a good idea, but from what you have told us, she is not the main problem. YOU ARE!!! Her seeking a counselor only to return home to an abusive drunk will not help her a bit. Actually, it might help her to see that she doesn't need this type of life.

You must fix you... Your marriage will never be a marriage if you continue your drinking. Even if you are still married, what you will have will not be what you need.

And another thing... it makes no difference whether you can remember your black out spells or not. You are not relieved of your responsibility just because you act stupid while under the influence. The way you can change this is to NOT DRINK while you are sober and in control. As soon as you choose to drink, you have given up your control, and I would leave you as well.

Just work on you... that is all you can do. And it sounds like you have more than enough to fix with yourself rather than worrying about what she is going to do. Give her someone to stay for. Give her a man in control of himself. Give her a man that she can be comforted by and proud of. Then she might think about staying with you.

AA will help tremendously. If you're an alcoholic, and being in AA you should know, just focus on staying sober one day at a time and work with your sponsor to get YOUR head together. Once your on your way there, bring your wife into AA with you. Many wives don't understand what a HUGE life-changing thing drinking can be. She'll find out if she goes with you to a meeting or two.
What's important is to stay sober and work with her to reclaim your life.

Riley-

My H is an alcoholic. He has been sober now for 4 yrs. He also drank until he blacked out and continued on but never remembered what he had done or said after the black out point.

I can't speak for your wife, but I know I am finally beginning to heal. Encourage your wife to attend al-anon and better understand the disease of alcoholism.

As the poster above said, not remembering what you have said or done does not remove the responsibility from your shoulders. What I wanted and needed MOST from my H when he quit drinking was for him to know and acknowledge alot of those behaviors that he didn't remember. He still wanted to sweep them under the rug and use the "well, I am sober NOW" line. I was (am still) very proud of his sobriety, but it didn't erase the pain he had caused and the damage done while drinking.

Work your program and let your W work her own. The only thing you really should concern yourself with right now is understanding WHY you turned to alcohol and how to keep yourself from going back. Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, please encourage her to go to Alanon. And if she won't, ask her to read the books by Melodie Beattie on Codependency. Even if she doesn't see a counselor, she'll understand more about your M after this.

Good Luck. It's a long road. And you have alot of trust to rebuild.

I suspect my H was a closet alcoholic and I never realized it. Before we split, he made a big deal about not drinking. That was even worse - he became a "dry drunk" - an angry man. That was even worse.