Hello, I'm just newly divorced (June 26). My h and I had a rocky 8 yr marriage in which my h hooked up with OW. During the separation I had talked to a couple who were my friends asking them questions about what my h was doing. I wouldn't do this often but it got back to h and said if I had any questions about him that I was to ask him and not them. Okay, I would then ask him the questions, i.e. I asked him about a charge on MY credit card (I allowed him to use it when he left so he could continue with his business) for dinner. The charge was definitely more than it would of been for one person. I questioned him about it and told him I didn't appreciate him charging any dinners to this card that had to do with him and his adultress. I wouldn't confess to him taking her to dinner. I asked him specifically if he took her to dinner and charged it on the CC. He wouldn't answer yes or no. Now, I'm not stupid. To me a NON answer is a yes answer. He's done this several times (the dinner thing). I've canceled the card BTW.

Since the d he borrowed camping equipment from me and asked if we could share it. I said sure and gave him the equipment. I was under the impression that he was going alone. He even made it sound that way (lie). I asked him (I know I shouldn't have) if he took his gf with him. Again, he would not answer yes or no or refused to answer the question. Again, that must have been a yes.

What, does he think by not answering yes or no that he looks better in his eyes?? Just wondering if any of you have dealt with these types of answers--the "no comment" answer.

This is conflict avoidance. I got this my entire marriage. It's just his way of not dealing with things.
And if you know you won't like the answer, don't bother to ask the question.
You'll need to detach your feelings on many of these issues, as they don't really matter in the grand scheme of your life.
It helps to think of the X as just another person - not the X. If a friend asked to borrow your camping equipment - would you demand to know with whom they were camping? You might be interested, but not necessarily invested in the answer.

I can't even get my STBX to answer basic questions about our children. Think of your X as more advanced than some.

Hi newly,

Thanks for the response. Yes, that what it sounds like--conflict avoider. In our marriage he would always walk away when things got hot (like in an arguement). To me that was probably not so bad. I guess I would have avoided me too sometimes. I usually don't ask questions but the questions I asked related to something I owned and was important how they were used. He knew how I felt and I guess doesn't regard my feelings or does but it doesn't matter to him.

Again, take a step back. These are just things. To many people, feelings are not associated to things.
Change your expectations to what you would expect of an acquaintance, rather than an X. I try to do this. I know I'm changing, but I still get responses based on the way I previously acted - because STBX can't change his view - despite my changes.

wow does this sound familiar! My STBX is the same way. He has a problem answering a direct question... to the point I'd have to ask several times. He is evasive, secretive, and passive aggressive. He'd even phrase things in a passive way, with less ownership. (ex: the trash didn't get taken out... instead of I didn't take the trash out.)

I suspect your X is evasive, and avoiding ownership/accountability. He may be outright dishonest in other ways, or certainly leave you with false impressions.

But more important here-- he is your X. I'd say you need to stop asking him these questions. He is no longer accountable to you; and will not be honest anyway. And, try not to care. (first, even tho you care, don't ask-- pretend you don't care. Eventually, make sure you really don't care.)

I'm glad you cancelled the credit card. You don't need to make yourself vunerable to your X, financially or emotionally.

My STBX is moving out today. I already got back his credit card that was on my account, and we're on the verge of closing out joint checking. When he leaves, I want back all house keys, my car key. Even so, after he's gone I'm having the locks changed. For 22 years, he was my H. But that was then, this is now. All my instincts to care for him, trust him must be reconsidered. I am on my own. He owes me nothing. I can't count on him for anything. He doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be married. Things are different.

It's time for me to make changes and adjustments.

>>But more important here-- he is your X. I'd say you need to stop asking him these questions. He is no longer accountable to you; and will not be honest anyway.<<

That's not the problem. It's my stuff as well. I asked him how he'd like it if I had some man go camping with me and the kids. He said nothing. He just got pissed and said I could have the stuff back. I'm going to get the stuff back. He can get his own stuff to go camping with or she can buy it for them. He's not just an acquaintance.

Anyway, I'm going to go camping with the kids and tell him next time he can get his own stuff. We are d now and he can't just come and get stuff he wants that is still here. He should have done that a long time ago.

Wing, after you're divorced, all the "stuff" is either yours or his.... unless there is something specific that you jointly own. For example, the bed my STBX is HIS and he can share it with anyone he wants. He can let someone drink out of the coffee cups.... etc. The things are either his, or mine. (In our case, we jointly own a house, until it is sold... but everything else, after the divorce, belongs to one or the other of us.)

In your case, you will always share parenting of the kids. But in terms of "things".... if you choose to loan him something of yours, you can't really control whether he uses it with another woman or alone, or with a buddy. If it bothers you that he'd use something with another woman, then it might be better not to loan it to him.

I know this is hard. I am struggling with what happens if I see him, and there is someone in the car with him.... or who will be sitting on the couch, etc.... and have to remind myself that it's just not relevent anymore. It's a thought pattern that I have to break-- and it will take me some time, after being with him for 22 yrs. I remind myself that it's not my business, not my problem, that it's just outside my circle of influence and concern now. I figure I'll have "instinctive reactions" that I have to consciously modify for a while before I can reset my mind.

I hope that makes sense.

It was his deception that pissed me off. He made it sound like he was going by himself and said that. I'm going to take it back. Again, let him buy his own crap.

Maybe his deception was to protect you and your feelings.
Re: Things. Think of the people who lost their belongings in the wildfires. I'm sure they could care less about their tent, and now value their life more.
I know how you feel, for the longest time my sentences started "but he . . . .".
It's not about him, its how we change ourselves to deal with new situations.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe his deception was to protect you and your feelings. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are probably right. He called our d about 10:00 last night and then about midnight or so called back to talk to me. I kept it pleasant but was very tired.

I still think I'm going to get the camping stuff back. Everything is still pretty raw for me and this will help a little. I won't be mean about it just ask if he would return it.

People in affairs are 'in the fog' and therefore act and say extremely STOOPIT things. Just read on NotPeachyInGa's thread - she's now called JustPeachy - her husband took her thru unbelieveable hell and misery - dragged it out over 2 years. Now that is a prime exampe of just how STOOPIT a WS can be! Let's hope and pray yours doesn't do that. Perhaps he can be made to 'see the light' thru a well-worked Plan A or B.
My prayers for you, my Friend.
Harold