I can barely even say the word, "rapist", without getting upset. But according to my wife, that's what I am. And that's why she doesn't trust me.<P>I have never physically abused or intimidated my wife. I do not verbally abuse her, threaten to leave, take away privileges, etc. I do ask for sex, however, a lot. She has no interest in sex, at all. I do, and I am feeling guilty for wanting my own wife, and confused that she feels I am raping her. I understand that she feels I treat her like a peice of meat, but now it has extended to full blown rape, in here eyes.<P>On a typical evening, when we are about to lay down in bed, I approach my wife:<P>" Honey, do you want to do something tonight?"<P>" Not tonight hon."<P>" Umm, is there anything you might want to do for me?"<P>" Not tonight hon."<P>" You do know it's been x number of days right?"<P>" Honey please leave me alone."<P>At that point I stop, and go to bed, a little frustrated. Some nights she does give in, with some coaxing. I ask her if it's ok, I try and make sure she is pleased before I take care of myself. Sometimes she says it was good. <P>Apparently she has been lying about it. Apparently, when I go to bed, she lay awake, crying because she felt like she had been used or abused. She says she has been faking it this whole time. <P>It's true. I have tried to barter for sex. I sometimes make her tell me while we are in bed that she will let me do it again soon. I ask her to tell me she loves me and tell her where to kiss me. I also make her feel guilty when she says no, because she is rather negligent in other aspects of our relationship like spending time together, or making me feel special. <P>To her, it all points back to sex. If I pressure her to have sex with me, before she goes out with friends I disapprove of, to a bar, that's rape in her eyes. She won't spend time with me for fear I am gonna rape her. But she sees any sexual act between us as rape. She sees the mere pressure or imminence of sex as rape. And she hates me for it. It is her license to run wild, to get everything she wants because hey I'm a rapist.<P>I'm going to sex therapy because I'd like to have sex once a week. Apparently I'm an addict. I think I may check myself into the local jail for my crimes of abuse and rape.

Overall, you are a normal american guy. How long have you been married? In regards to your wife, is it possible that she may have been molested or raped when she was younger? I think she needs to go to therapy herself. It seems there are other issues involved that do not pertain to you. There is nothing wrong with a man who desires his wife. Something may have happened in her past that you are not aware of. For now, ease back. You are not a rapist. Try to get to the root of the problem. I hope she will consider the counseling. Good luck!

Ohhhh KKKKKKK stop the train! Rape??? This may be her perception or her way of pushing you away. Holy cow, that is pretty darn thick! <BR>You mentioned she goes out to bars and runs wild. Is she having an affair and wishes not to have sex with both of you. It would seem to me, you'd be seeing a red flag by now. Check on this, then ask if she will go to counseling with you.<BR>Most importantly, you are indeed "normal". I'd be worried if my hubby didn't ask at least 4 times a week...I ask the other 3 days! LOL<P>Keep us informed.<BR>

Boy, does this sound familiar...my ex said the same thing to me once!<P>First of all, from what you have written, it sounds to me like someone has some very definite issues regarding her sexuallity.<P>I completely agree with the posts above me!<P>I too have been in front to the counselor or the shrink saying, 'I must be a sex mainiac!' and been told, 'No, you are just a normal, red blooded, hormone driven american man.'<P>You both need to be in counseling together and if she says that she sees no reason too, then there definitely is a reason too. Sex/making love IS a part of a marriage...if she just wanted a friend, why did she marry you in the first place?<P>I have finally put the guilt that my ex shoveled on me to rest after several years....it has left me very hung up in my present marriage to the point that I talk myself out of making love to my wife for fear that she will think I am a maniac and that sex is all I want....still working on that.<P>Just know that you are not crazy and she is not...she does need to figure out just where this intimate relationship fits into your marriage. <P>Oh, don't barter, beg or get mad for sex...I have found that it just makes things worse and it just lowers the whole relationship in to a deeper and deeper hole that you will eventually not be able to get out of because it will not bring you together, but push you apart.<P>Hang in there.

Thanks everyone,<P> At least I know I am not a deviant. Freddy, thanks for the advice, in fact the bartering, begging and negotiating is what dug me in this hole that threatens to lose my wife for good.<P> But now what?<P>I want to work this out. I want to work it out to the point where I am willing to give my wife 100% control of our sex life, which may mean no sex at all, at least for a while...And then there is her "problem". She feels I have violated her, partly because of my mother-in-law who is equating this to rape and wants her to get her space....<P>It's been 3 weeks since we have been under the same roof, much less the same bed. My wife says she needs more time to heal, before she can trust me again. I have to respect that and give her her time, but am I making a mistake? This sounds like it may be a few months to even a year of separation the way they put it, as if I really did rape her. What can I do?

OMS;<P>I am still trying to understand why this woman married you in the first place...did you not have some kind of intimate relationship before the wedding....certainly she knew that sex was and is a part of marriage....see the thread on desire up in Emotional Needs...<P>How long have you been married?<P>For me, I slept on the couch over half of my four year marriage to my ex (the second time around, long story). The reason I slept out there is I was afraid that I was going to want her and then she would say no and then there would be this HUGE fight and so......I just took care of it in the shower most times....What finally killed the marriage is she found out I was talking to a female friend of mine on the phone since I couldn't talk to her....<P>You need to find out EXACTLY what she wants out of this relationship....if it is just a friend and a companion...then I don't know. If you are like me and desire to have a more intimate relationship...then this may not be the relationship for you.<P>Are their children? And, why in the hell is the mother in law involved...!!!!?????<P>I really wish I had sme encouraging words for you. All I have is to take one day at a time and remember that both of you got into this and both of you can get out of it if you want to...But it will take both of you to do it and if she CHOOSES not to, then that is her decision.

Barring adultery she may be in some kind of denial. My husband also felt guilty (although never a rapist)because of my disinterest. On the reverse side of the coin, I sometimes felt like a prostitute who 'gave in' to her husbands demands because I felt I 'had to'. It was a complex situation for us - a negative spiral where he didn't make me feel loved so I was unloving etc. But a large part of it was my aching feeling of inadequacy because I didn't climax. This made me feel like such a miserable specimen hardly deserving the title of female that the only way I could deal with it was by closing down and denying there was a problem at all. Instead I just avoided the bedroom and blamed other things. In 10 years of marriage we never once discussed sexual matters - both avoiding the topic until it blew up in our faces one day. I allowed myself to express my vulnerability to my spouse (and the only way I could do this was to write it down in a journal then read it back to my husband as though I was reading an impersonal article to him). After that the dam burst and I was finally able to take the steps I needed to heal the situation. And believe me, it really didn't take all that much at all. Things turned around for us almost over night.<P>This might not describe your wife but perhaps you could gently explore together any pain she might be fearing to confront. I found out that it is fairly common for women to shut down in the bedroom because of this awful feeling of inadequacy and unfemininity. But also look at how you treat her generally. She needs to feel she is so cherished by you. That you are attentive and gentle with her outside of the bedroom. In short, be like her knight in shining armour and the minstrels of the middle ages who would die for their unrequited loves. Gradually she will melt into you.

Maybe I can shed a tiny bit of light here. I am similar to your wife in that I have a low sex drive. My husband on the other hand is normal. HE would be happy with everyother night but often settles for 3 nights out of the week. Anyway, I can only tell you how I feel. My husband is a good lover, he brings me great satisfaction. The problem I have is the getting started. I am absolutely exhausted when we drop into bed. He begs pleads, cajoles, barters, begs, shouts, begs, pleads, whines, gets angry, lays on the guilt trip. 50% of the time I eventually give in, 50% of the time he gives up. Now dont get me wrong this isnt the case everytime but I dare say if we had sex once a week it is plenty for me.<BR>There are many nights immediately following I lay in bed crying with feeling of being used. This is because I get the most attention when he wants sex. Many things are changing for the better around here but i still struggle a lot. My husband is unselfish in bed and always makes sure I get my fair share. Like I mentioned before once i get stared theres no stopping (oh my i am blushing a bit here).<P>Your wife is playing a MAJOR guilt trip on you! The Bible even states when you become married that your bodies belong to each other. Of course you wouldnt want to abuse your own body so you treat your spouse with respect and understanding. Seems you have done that but she has a lot of issues she needs to address and is trying to dump it back on you. You need couples counseling and she needs individual counseling.<P>Keep me posted I woudl like to see how this plays how since I can relate to your wife in a small way.

Thank God you are faithful and not looking anywhere else<P>Your wife is depressed and I have counselled a simlar experience where the woman was having sexual problems due to being abused as a child<P>You could try to talk to her about her childhood without physically approaching her as I think she has bad memories from that to do with the way she was punished and you will find that mental block she has up against you disappearing and let her talk as much as she needs to<P>Let her talk about the things that are making her unhappy<P>She will not stay with you if she did not need you<P>Try to put away your guilt and pat yourself on the back for being faithful and at home with her and do not let this worry lead you astray to places and women that you must not go to<P>Keep your mind focussed on her and offer to take her to counselling to release whatever is bothering her<P>Even if it is Pastor or minister or social worker<P>I give you credit for being faithful here and good luck<P>Praying for you<P>Carol

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but you just don't know how relieved I am to see this topic with its replies. My H and I have been having similar problems for about 6 months to a year now. I've been very afraid that if I didn't do something to change really quick my marriage would be over almost before it began.<P>Onemanshow...you're not a rapist..not by a long shot. You're not forcing her to submit whether she likes it or not. I think maybe she's just afraid to say no and stick with it, and by calling you a rapist, is maybe trying to prevent you from approaching her again. Therefore she can just pretend the problem doesn't exist. I don't think she's being malicious deliberatly, but she needs to be totally honest with herself and with you. I think she's trying to push sole responsibility of the state of your marriage onto you, since she appears to be painting herself as a vicitim. That way there is no guilt or responsibility for her.<P>It can't be easy going through something like this, and to have the one you love call you such a heinous name like that. I wish you both luck, and the wisdom to get past all of this. <P>TorGirl

Onemanshow,<P>Have you tried making her feel special? Have you tried affection before you get to the bedroom? Has you sex life always been this way? Are you spending 15 hours a week with her alone enjoying time together?<P> My H and I had the same problem a few years back and it went on for quite a while. He very rarely showed me ANY attention until it was time for bed. He would sleep on the couch until bedtime and expect me to jump up and be ready for sex. It doesn't happen that way. I even remember telling him at least a few times to treat me like a woman he would try to pick up in a bar. He would at least have to talk to her and buy her a few drinks before she would even let him kiss her. <P>I can remember telling him to leave me money on my dresser because I felt like a prostitute. And yes, I would cry afterward sometimes too. I never remember telling him that I thought he was a rapist.<P>I think what your wife needs to know is that she is special to you for reasons other than sex. Take her out to dinner and a movie. DO NOT expect sex from her afterward. Kiss her on the neck and hold her, do no expect sex in return. I would bet that if you would show her more nonsexual affection she would be most willing to have sex with you. Harley says that there is no better lover than a wife that is in love. <P>Your wife is shut down to you. Open her up and find the woman and lover that she would love to be. This subject touched a nerve with me. Been there, done that. NOT there anymore! <BR>Read the Affection part of the Emotional Needs section.<P>Good luck to both of you!<P>NM<P><p>[This message has been edited by NewMe2001 (edited July 06, 2001).]