My husband of 18 years (two teenagers at home) moved out in April. At first we did not see or speak to one another except for personal business. After about 3 weeks he realized taking care of everything himself wasn't all that much fun, and he was lonely. He reconsidered his need to divorce me. We started dating and agreed to work on the marriage. Weeks went by and there was dating but no working on the marriage. He was reading the Harley Books, but no discussions. When we finally started talking about His Needs, Her Needs he really only wanted to discuss his needs. He really wasn't interested in my needs. When he refered to sharing a list of Love Busters, he only wanted to give me his list of complaints. Didn't want to hear mine. This did not make me feel very good. He had been talking about moving back in on weekends only. Spending weekdays in his apartment near his work (it would be convenient for him he said). I finally decided that if he only lived with me part time, it would feel like he was leaving me over and over again, every week. I did not think I could handle being a part time wife any more so I told him I couldn't go on seeing him. He needs to figure out if he wants to be a couple or not. Commit to the relationship or don't. So I am not going to see him for at least a few weeks. I think he needs more time to see if he misses me and make up his mind. What do you think about this? Am I doing the right thing?

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a hard situation. I think you are right on in telling him that you need his 100% committment to the marriage. What were the issues that led to him leaving? Is there anyone else in the picture? Have you gone to counseling together? I think a counselor would be able to point out some obvious things to him that would sound better coming from an outsider, like that working on the marriage is a two way street and he has just as much work to do as you do on it. I hope that the limbo period ends for you quickly and he either commits to your marriage or you are able to move on - I think the loneliest time of my life was when my ex H was waffling on whether he should come home to his pregnant wife and two young children or go be with my old best friend, his OW. Once it was decided, it got MUCH easier for me. You are in my prayers.
Krista

Thanks for the reply. Our issues were mostly LB like disrespectful judgements steadily taking away the love. He only wanted to contribute to the relationship financially. I felt there should be more partnership with the business of life. I did not ask for help with housework, but wanted a small contribution with other maintence or projects around the house or yard. My biggest complaint was his "trail" of stuff left out that he always seemed to leave. It seemed inconsiderate that he expected me to pick up after him in addition to doing everything else but bring home the money. (I did appreciate his contribution to our financial needs - I only worked part time and made very little compared to him) I paid all the bills and he spent most of the money without ever having a budget in mind so I never felt we were in control of the finances. I had to be the money cop. He resented me if I told him we didn't have the money for something. My requests for help sounded like nagging to him, and we just got more and resentful of each other.
There are no affairs going on that I know of. He refuses couseling. I have gone a few times without him. He is happy to have me go fix myself, but has not been interested in making any changes himself, although he says he is working on taking more care of himself and his personal business - most all of which I used to do for him, and learning to pay his own bills. He is trying to learn to stay on a budget (not succeeding yet).
He seems very confused. We get along very well and are having good conversations on the phone (no marriage issues - just conversation) and one minute he is talking about what we should do when we retire, the next he is saying he thinks it is too late for us. I still feel very confused about whether to spend time with him or not. I guess I tried spending time with him and we were getting nowhere. And it was painful for me inbetween. So not spending time with him might help him decide. I just need patience. Thanks for the support in the meantime.

Hi FV
was wondering if the teenagers?? ages? male or female?

how old is he? is there a minister who could talk to him?

why is it he is not willing to meet your needs?
sounds like he wants a mom. Did was he ever taught by his mom to DO THINGS?? or did she do it all for him?

can you get him to commit to going to a seminar with you on marriages? they have good teachings
and he won't be able to get out of the assignments to do there..

I think it is sad, that he is not living there but chooses to be a weekend husband is he getting priviledges? do you go to his apartment? have you been there to see what he has there? or how he keeps it? that would give you an idea what his lifestyle is like.

well there has to be a reason all of a sudden he wants to come back..but he thinks he is perfect..I guess and doesn't have a problem..was how mine was..told me I HAD a problem and wanted me to change..shrug meaning I needed to allow him freedom to have girlfriends and party..and no questions asked..and he should be able to have people come and go all hours..because it is his house and he could do drugs and expect me to wait on ALL of them cook for them and etc...
no I DID NOT..lol..in his dreams..

well hope things are going better for you. and he needs to be a good role model for those teenagers..
do you know if he is maybe smoking pot? that causes an I don't care attitude and also makes them argumentive and obnoxious..too..and hungry all the time..they get the munchies..
and very lazy.

well talk later..my e-mail is earthangel@telcomplus.net <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My two boys are 15 and 17 with birthdays in the fall. The older one is leaving for college in 2 months. H is 45 and I am 47. There is no minister in our life that he could talk to.

Boy the "sounds like he wants a mom" really hit home. It stopped me in my tracks. I don't think he was taught to do things by his mom. She did everything. Just like he expects me to do.

I am not sure if I could get him to go to a seminar. I wish I could.

A few weeks ago he was getting "privileges" - once at his place and once at mine. Then he admitted that it was more for selfish reasons than out of the desire for intimacy that it was for me. I felt very used and decided that it was not going to happen any more unless things changed. I have been to his place only a few brief times. It has usually been not bad, but he has admitted that lately it has gotten out of control with stuff piling up. I know he is very sloppy by nature. It would take a lot of effort on his part to stay tidy.

There have been no other women that I know of and no drugs either (he did enough drugs when he was younger to know he doesn't want to go there)
Good for you for telling your ex that you weren't going to put up with his expectations.

The latest development is that today he said he wants to move back home and seems to be coming back for the boys. He actually asked me to focus on fulfilling his needs, and trying to stop my annoying behaviors, but that he would not be working on my needs or stopping any annoying behaviors until sometime later. I asked him if the reverse situation would be acceptable to him. He admitted it wouldn't and that his request was unfair, but just can't seem to want to give to the relationship in any way. It does seem a lot like a child who wants his mom to love him and take care of him without have to give back.

well it sounds like he doesn't want change
he won't change! He as much said so.

I guess you need to figure out what you can live with and if you can live without him.

even if there is no other women in his life.
he is having his cake and eating it too..by
having sex with you.

I use to get sad..because I KNEW I was making
"LOVE" to him while sometimes he was just
literally F------ me..and I felt so used..like leave my money on the dresser type used...

it's hard to give so much to someone, and they tell you they expect more..they want you to change but they are not willing to do some little thing to contribute.

they think the paycheck takes care of everything..THAT IT..so then he did his job, the rest is up to us..

I think his mom spoiled him..my mil did the same all her sons were that way, my sil's were that way also..I remember my sil she was younger when we got married she was 12 and as soon as she came through the front door..off came the shoes..then the sweater tossed on the chair, then as she went through the house a trail of stuff her books..her purse..her room was a disaster till her mom cleaned it..she didn't have to even help do dishes..so the mom did not prepare them for life.
she did not teach them how to handle money either..check book gosh when we got married..
he would get mad at the bank.we actually went to the bank once and he told them off..BECAUSE LOOK AT MY BALANCE...what do you MEAN I don't have money...lol..he didn't understand about the outstanding checks that hadn't come back yet..he would go blow the balance..so I had to take the checkbook away from him..and handle it..I never had an outstanding check..ever...till he took all money out of the account when he filed..

well your husband is a mommas boy sort of..but betcha he can't stand his mom...not close and pretends to love her dearly when she is around..

What will you do? are you going to let him come home? IF he does perhaps you can take other rooms or he sleep on the couch..

or maybe you can move to the apartment..that would be nice..go home and clean..do the cleaning lady things they are having you do now..rofl..not funny but seems that is the role your in right now..that is sad...

did something happen and when did he start this behaviour? move out think about making changes.

what kinds of changes did he make in himself?
did he get cleaner..dirtier..unkempt in appearance???

I hope things start to improve for you, it is hard enough raising boys..and also putting up with husbands adolecence behaviour maybe he is having trouble accepting the boys ages.

But I think maybe you need to not take him home
just yet.

he seems to think you are his maid.and his check covers everything.

does he compete with the sons? do they play sports? something isn't right..confusion how does he have confusion? that can be an illness, a small stroke..or else even depression.

if he is under alot of stress, he could be having a crisis of somekind emotional and need some help..
make it a condition to come home he has to put in 4 weeks of councelling..at least that would get to if he is depressed he will get assessed and know if he has a personality disorder or something.

Men change at that age and some do have a mid life crisis..or want to change their careers, some actually drop out..don't work..

but your fragile yourself while this is going on
not knowing whats wrong and trying to fix it..when it probably is not you..it is him.

does he tell you
"I want my old (your name here) back???
thats what my husband told me..my friends hubby said the same thing..meaning I guess the not nagging one who waited on them hand and foot and to just change to meet ALL their needs and leave them alone..to their own devices..let them have their sex..and thats it..for them...no commitment..sort of a border with sex priviledges and oh and they can have girlfriends..it's ok..
we should allow it..that was mine..

Let me know if any of this sounds familiar..

Anguish
Complete rejection
Pain
Tears

The evening starts out with a plan to get together to talk about ending our separation and you moving back in. A major step toward saving our marriage. Oops -- you forgot to come.

I had called and left a message looking forward to our evening together, so you are then reminded to come over.

We talk about meeting each other’s needs and avoiding Love Busters. I try to paint a positive picture of how we can strive to meet each other’s needs and avoid annoying behaviors to build up lots of love.

The entire evening you have difficulty looking at me, you are very troubled. No glimpse of happiness or hopefulness is visible on your face. You see the issues as the same as they have always been, with new ones added.

I talk of putting aside the struggles and focusing on what does work for us. You can’t think of anything so I begin reminiscing about the happy times we’ve shared. I give you a hug and I am trying to share every good thought I have of you, all the reasons I have to love you. There is nothing in return. You cannot get caught up in my efforts to think of positive things. You are now talking about going home. Something reminds me that I am still waiting for the list of things you love or ever loved about me, which has never materialized in four months. Somehow we share a light joke about this.

I am thinking now that maybe if we are intimate, you will allow yourself to feel some feelings for me. That we can somehow find some closeness that way. I am willing to give of myself to you if it might bring you closer to me. I work my wiles on you and you are wavering, all the while saying we should not. We come very close, but you manage to convince me that you really don’t want to. Your body says yes, but your heart says no. You tell me you really need to figure out how you feel about me.

I give up.

You go home.

I cry.

I realize that if it is that hard to figure out how you feel about me, then you already know. You are just afraid to say it out loud. The guilt of breaking up our family is the only thing that gives you pause.

I cry some more.

(((((((((((frenchvanilla)))))))))))
sorry no advice but I wanted you to know I care and am thinging of you.........

Thanks for the kind words. I am trying to accept reality and move on instead of hanging on. It is helpful to know this community of support is out there! Thank you all.