I could use some advice.

My H moved in with OW nearly four months ago. She has a history of mental/emotional instability of some kind -- now my H is starting to act a little weird. Well, maybe more than that. I don't know what's going on in their household, but I suspect what showing up on the public radar is the tip of an iceberg.

I thought he'd see his mistake. Now it looks like he's headed for a crash-and-burn. My friends are urging me to file to protect myself.

We have separate bank accounts, and a financial settlement happened early. Nevertheless, I am the support for a raft of kids and pets.

I don't particularly want a D, not now, anyway, but I don't want to put myself in jeopardy should really weird stuff start to occur. Also, I would like to see him drive the knife into this marriage, which was pretty okay, all considered. His usual modus operandi is to pressure me into acting, then feel like he has been presented with a fait accompli.

At what point should I really, really file? Does our provable separation protect me at all?

Hi AM,

I know you can get some valuable thoughts to help you through this process. I will check back with you tomorrow, ok? Got a sick child tonight.

See ya',

L.

You say your marriage was pretty ok, all things considered. Is that a statement of hope for the future also. Will your H see the light and leave OW? Is that your hope? After my W's 4 affairs I finally came to the point where I realized the behavior was a built in character flaw that would not ever go away. I chose not to live with this pain and filed for D. Should be over within a month which is the minimal time necessary where I live.

For me it all boils down to what you want for your future and your spiritual, physical and mental health. If you see a happy future of mutual trust, intimacy and love, go for it. If you're going to be locked into a routine of betrayal, lies, despair and pain, get out now.
-------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WW 47
married 24 years
Son 22, Daughter 20
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out
Filing for divorce end of June 03
Filed 7/9/03, 60 day wait.
All issues settled with W.

I'd kind of like to see him start the process and expense of a D. I have enough pressure of my own right now with the mess he left behind.

But my question is: do I have that luxury? How much at risk am I if I wait?

In answer to your question, I'd have to see a lot of changes before I even consider reconciliation. So far, I see none. Do I hope for those changes? Sure, some part of me. Do I expect them? Not really. But I'm open to whatever providence brings.

Orchid, hope your kid gets better fast!

Hi AM.

I know what you are saying, that you'd like for him to start the divorce proceedings. I felt the same thing-- since he wanted the divorce, I wanted him to take ownership for what he was doing. Later, it bugged me to see all those papers with "his name VS my name" and to be the "defendant". Overall, I am okay with it, though.

For me, if I were in your situation, where he's moved out and in with the OW, I would see that as very definative. For me, that would surely show that he was the one who "gave up" on the M and left. But that's me--and I'm also not a big enough person to consider the possibility of taking him back after that. You are still open to that.

All that said, at least in our state, an uncontested divorce is not a cumbersome task. There are about 10-12 forms. Most are one or two pages, and you can complete them in handwriting. It's not administratively cumbersome or time consuming. Actually it was frighteningly easy.

(A court divorce can be expensive and antagonistic. If there are not sticky property and settlement issues on which you cannot agree, then you might consider uncontested.)

At any rate, I don't know how to advise you-- you have to go with what is in your heart. Perhaps it's time to tell him, that he either needs to come home and work on the M, or to end the M-- that what he is doing now is disrespectful and a mockery of marriage. It seems untenable to continue the way things are, make him take a stand?

I'm sorry things are not going better for you.

Thanks, Squeak! Good to hear from you again!

Again, I have no problem with waiting or being the defendant, etc. I'm not going to consider "taking him back," because there is no offer on the table. I have enough real problems right now without considering imaginary ones.

My question is: Is it unwise or even dangerous to still be legally hooked to him while he is acting weird?

Does date of separation give me any legal distance from his decision-making?

AM: ....My question is: Is it unwise or even dangerous to still be legally hooked to him while he is acting weird?

Orchid: IMHO, yes.

AM:Does date of separation give me any legal distance from his decision-making?

Orchid: IMHO, c/b. That's a lawyers type question right???

AM,

Thanks for asking. Son is getting better some sort of a summer flu/cold thingy. Temps been up for several days and seems to be just breaking.

take care,
L.

AM~
Fourteen years ago I, too believed it was my (then) h's task to file for the divorce, especially, since he'd had multiple affairs.

Thank God...I found an attorney who explained to me the importance of being the one to file. In a nutshell, and I know different states operate differently, by filing MYSELF, I was able to set the pace of the divorce. My attorney told me that WE could go as fast or slow as I wanted to, provided I was the one to file. It didn't give me any advantage in the financial or custody areas...but, I found it was wonderful to FINALLY have some control over "something" in my life.

Once I realized how lucky I was to be rid of the cheater, I couldn't get the divorce fast enough. I'm glad HE didn't have the option of dragging it out.

BTM

What state are you in? Here it's pretty much no-fault, and I believe 6 mos. no matter what or how you file.

AM~
I was living in California and the divorce was "no fault." Still, my attorney told me that MY filing would allow me to dictate the time table of things. For instance, IF I'd wanted to drag things out, I could have. Since I was the plaintiff, documents would be filed when I told my attorney to file them and not a minute sooner. I could "demand" more paperwork from my h (now my x) and "create" more issues, had I wanted to.

I chose to do things as quickly as possible. My attorney only suggested "manipulating" the timetable to give my (then) h time to change his mind about the divorce. Once I decided I wanted the divorce (and it didn't take me long to realize how lucky I was to have a chance at a "new life"), I didn't waste a minute of time. From beginning to end, it took 6 months EXACTLY (the minimum in California). Still, it took me 3 months before I filed anything...so it was 9 months from the time (then) h said he wanted a divorce UNTIL the time I was finally free of him. He didn't want to look like the "bad" guy, by filing...so he was prepared to continue to live a clandestine existance until I "caved." I wish he'd seen me dancing out the door of the attorney's office the day I filed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Wishing you strength and courage,
BTM

I live in Hawaii. My STBX filed for uncontested divorce on June 30. I think it will be finalized by July 31-- if not, the first week of August. It goes really quick here.

AM... you should ask a lawyer about whether separation protects you legally against bad decisions. I *think* you can publish a notice in the newspaper that says you are no longer financially responsible.... I see those notices all the time. I suspect that if you have initiated divorce (even tho it's not final) and publish one of those notices, you would have good protection.

That's the thing. I don't want to file. I want a clear conscience that it wasn't ME who ended this marriage -- however obvious that might be to others at this point. But that doesn't mean I want to write a blank check for his weirdness.

<small>[ July 20, 2003, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>