OK. My divorce is final. One of the things that has helped me in coping with this awful time of my life, has been to anticipate and be prepared for the "tough" spots. (Like when he moved out, when I saw my name as defendant, etc)

In October, it would have been our 22nd anniversary. Then Thanksgiving is around the corner, followed by Christmas, then my birthday, then Valentines Day... and I'm sort of wondering about coping strategies. I've got a plan for his BD-- I will mail a card and possibly a small gift.

I will no longer do anything on our anniversary, but am thinking I'll be awfully sad about the "if only" and "what if" scenarios. I am leaning towards going to a horse show, so I'll be busy and surrounded by people with the same interests.

But Christmas sounds like it will be tough. I live thousands of miles from my family members. I will be alone. I think I want a tree anyway, but what on earth will I DO? Anyone else been through this, or planning for it?

Squeak,

It is good for you to know yourself well enough to plan ahead for the trigger days. Last summer was our 25th anniversary, xwh file 5 days before. I knew it would be tough so arranged for a friend & her kids to go to the river. My friend & her kids were a true blessing in disguise because they kept me smiling through just their normal activities. They had no clue as to the significance of the day for me. It was healing for both of us.

This year I was going to just clean & get ready for a family project this next weekend. I still have a few doubts if I could handle the day without responding to self-doubt. I received an answer; an invitation via the church newsletter for an evening workshop out of town. I called & registered.

Maybe plan to help some other single mom with kids during the approaching holidays. You may just be the holiday blessing that someone needs without even knowing . .. ><>

Squeak - the anniversaries will mean nothing soon enough. Was just a day to celebrate the love between the two of you, and unite in marriage. Since there is no marriage, their is no union to celebrate. My anniversary is going to be in December. But I really don't feel it will be anything to get sad about. At this point I am okay with the day, and moving on.

Now for my birthday, my x did nothing. NOthing at all, which is unthoughtful. After all without me there would of not been these 4 wonderful children. But does x-husband think of things like that, no. He is doing his selfish crap, and will continue with his selfishness, which let him be. I don't have to deal with him anymore.

As far as doing things. Signing up with the church is grand. I am signed up for a weekend with the church, and it is going to be fun. Camping, eating outdoors, sleeping in a tent, and having a grand old time. We will be near a stream enjoying the warmth of the fire. Eating on the open firewoord. I did not sign up for cooking. I signed up for other chores. WE have many families going, and I am going to invite my yongest son to go with me.

Now for our anniversary, it is near x-mas. And I will have x-mas at my house as usual. This year, I am going to invite the family over for dinner. As long as everyone helps with a dish.

My son leaves for Florida the day after christmas with band. So I won't have time to think about anniversary.

My problem is birthdays, I have 2 kids that their birthday is days away from their father. I will get the kids things, and make a card for them. And for husband, will make a card only. There was no recognition from him on my birthday. Nothing at all. But I won't go to his low extreme. I won't follow the illness of his life. I care about people, and I do care about him. He will receive a card, and if I find something that I think he would like, I will buy it for him. If not, a card will be fine. Plus of course there will be the dinner and dessert too. And the recognition.

As for vacations. I had a hard time dealing with him taking the kids on vacation. But I am okay with that now too. It takes time. I have someone dear to my heart that I can talk to now. Someone that listens to me and doesn't criticize me. I have a thread about SNL and his criticism. I am okay with him vacationing. If it makes him happy.

There will be things that I can do for my kids that will be special. Just now, I am providing them a home, and place for their things, a home for their animals, and a place that they can call home and be safe. That is the best gift that I think one can give.

There is one thing for the holidays that would be wonderful to do. And that is work for the shelter. Also, they need more help after the holidays. That is when the people feel the need to do for their community, like the holidays are the only time people in need live. Look into a shelter now, people need help 365 days a year. And hon, take time for yourself. Do something just for you. Even if it is just a massage. Or getting yournails andhair done. What is wrong with making yourself feel beautiful.

oops <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Double post

<small>[ August 04, 2003, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Squeak:
<strong>OK. My divorce is final. In October, it would have been our 22nd anniversary. Then Thanksgiving is around the corner, followed by Christmas, then my birthday, then Valentines Day... and I'm sort of wondering about coping strategies. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure, Squeak! I've been through this and I have a couple of great suggestions. In a nutshell I suggest that rather than do "nothing" on those special days that you RECLAIM THEM!!

Here's what I mean: My anniversary was in March and this year was supposed to be our Alaskan cruise that we waited our whole life for! OUCH. So I could have "done nothing" and felt sorry for myself and losing my marriage, but I decided to reclaim that date as MY DAY. The fact of the matter is that date is special to me, but for reasons that cause painful memories, so I thought I'd try to associate newer, happier memories with that day. Soooo...yep I was supposed to be on a cruise and instead I did "CJ Day". I thought of things that *I* liked to do that I didn't get to do in my marriage and I did them. I treated myself to decadent indulgences like a facial, a haircut, a new hair color, etc. I went out to a FANCY restaurant and got exactly what I wanted--whether it was fattening or not! I ORDERED DESSERT!! I bought myself a new outfit. Are you getting the drift here?? I treated myself to a day to celebrate loving myself.

Thanksgiving is easy. Volunteer at a shelter or church basement Thanksgiving Dinner ALL DAY, and you will soon forget that you are alone (because you won't be), you will meet new people, you will be thinking of and helping others, AND you will quickly discover exactly how much you have to be THANKFUL for rather than sorry for. Yes, you lost a marriage, but you still have SO MUCH. Trust me...volunteer.

Christmas is somewhat of another story. I personally always feel wistful for family and fires in the fireplace and that kind of thing for the holidays, and if you're far away from family it can be difficult. HOWEVER, this year for the holidays, I decided to reconsider my old "traditions" and either change them to suit my current singlehood -OR- make up new ones that I liked. For example, I got myself several new home decorations BECAUSE I LIKED THEM. I decided to have a big "Friends and Family" meal/dinner party and I invited everyone I knew and had my kids do the same. There were so many people and it was so loud, I had no time to feel sad. I cooked the holiday foods I like because they are MY favorites (like bread pudding! YUM!). I specifically made up some traditions that I couldn't do while I was married because my spouse didn't like them. And every day for about two weeks, I had SOMETHING planned for me to do...either an office party or shopping for out of town relatives, wrapping, shipping, The Nutcracker, watching the movie "Scrooged" (one of my new traditions)--so on the days when I genuinely DID feel a bit lonely and wistful, I still had "XYZ" to look forward to that day, and there was plenty of holiday spirit.

Valentines Day became "I LOVE CJ DAY" because if I don't love myself, I can't love anyone else can I? I also make that a special day to be sure and tell those in my life who mean something to me and who are special to me how much I love them. Thus, it is a day I GIVE love rather than receive love...and amazingly, when I give to others and tell them how much they have meant to me, well lo and behold, I find I am loved by many too!!

Hope these suggestions help ya, Squeak.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CJ

Anniversary, just another day
do the stuff you enjoy and don't look at the calendar

Thanksgiving, Faithful Wife has the best idea, and i think that is a great idea and plan.

Christmas, take a trip to see any family and relatives that you haven't seen in a while.. .

birthdays, no present, just a card on the first one, and then on to what you want to do with your life. . . so what do you want to learn or accomplish? what would be fun to do??

wiftty

Thanks, y'all. I love the idea of a "me" day, what a good excuse for a day at the spa! (I could use the money I would normally have spent on his present!)

Wifty, I'm figuring out what it is that I really want to do. I will be relocating, in all liklihood. Moving thousands of miles, alone, and having to rebuild a life seems a little daunting; however I think it's the right thing to do. It's exciting in a way, to have no constraints or considerations-- but it is also scary.

I suspect I'll move in the first quarter of 2004. I have started to research the area that interests me, to narrow things down.

Basically, I get to rebuild my life twice. Once now, here in Maui. But I do have some friends, know my way around the island, etc. I'm just expanding, and switching from "us" to "just me". I guess if I make any mistakes, I can leave them behind, and apply the learnings to my new location next year.

Next year, I'll move and be in a whole new place. I will take my housecats, and start a whole new chapter of my life. I'll have to do the normal relocation things of learning my way around, finding a doctor, a grocery store, a mechanic.... but also will need to consider what kind of social opportunities there will be when I consider locations. And, I will have to be conscious of being a woman on her own-- might mean I need a burglar alarm? a gated community? a low crime area?

I will have to plan this out pretty well to make it work. I feel so lonely now, but every day I see folks I know. When I move, that won't be the case! I will have to learn to be outgoing, and to seek ways to meet and make new friends.

Before I move, I'm taking dance lessons, perhaps take some martial arts training, and will try to get a "first date" out of the way (since I may well be a disaster at it!)

Maui, looking for a man. . . . hmmmm,

how about you stay there until my vacation time in February. . . lots of snow in New England. . .
and then i, errrrr, come visit for awhile. . .

I can help you rebuild your life, not that it is entirely broken, just needs some tweaking. . .plus i can rebuild some surfing skills, some sailing skills, some fishing skills. . .

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />