To all the betrayed husbands w/o kids... what did you do with your newfounded (albeit unwanted) freedom?

My divorce will be final soon. My life has fallen apart. The ripple effect of her infidelity has terminated my ability to be married, affected my ability to stay in my job, which subsequently forces me to sell my home. Lesseehere...divorce, job change and moving...I think I have 3 of the top 5 most stressful things happening to me right now!

Anyway, as much as I don't want to start my life over at 35, I'm going to have to, and I don't need to live in my current town.

Sometimes I think, "Why not sell everything and travel the world?"

Has anyone else done something like that? Was it the best thing you ever did or not?

What are your stories...maybe I can get some inspiration from you.

Thanks.

Join the Navy and see the world for free!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by I yam what I yam:
<strong>To all the betrayed husbands w/o kids... what did you do with your newfounded (albeit unwanted) freedom?

Sometimes I think, "Why not sell everything and travel the world?"

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I am Betrayed WIFE w/o kids, (over 35, btw way over.......), so I have felt a lot of these feelings, so let me reply.....

First of all, I needed my job, so I had to force myself to NOT fall apart. There was no option as far as losing my job and having to move (that was WAAAAY more stress than I could have handled........)so it forced me to stay focused on healing myself. I think that was a good thing.

If I had been allowed to "fall apart" - or self destruct my own life, just b/c of HIS stupidity (or MLC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) then there would have been terrible consequences for years to come - FOR ME!!! I didn't want that.

There came a time when I had to think clearly, logically, and toward my future (the next 10-15 years at least, till retirement) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That kept me on an even keel, and didn't allow me to sink too low in my own mind.

Finally, I heeded a lot of the advice on these boards which was to work on me. IOW, go do something YOU would like to do!! Learn a new sport/skill.....study something at night school......or pursue a degree.......take up a new hobby, or go back to one you used to enjoy.

As far as the "travel" thing...........the best piece of advice I ever heard about that is you shouldn't make any major life-altering decisions while going through all this. You are just too "fractured" to think clearly and make totally rational decisions. Your comments about "terminating your ability to be married.....do your job.........keep your home....." lets me know that you are not feeling "normal" now. It takes about a year to begin to feel "normal" again. I would advise not to make any decisions until you can see for yourself that you are not reacting, but making good, reasonable choices for you.

Take care, and keep posting. We do help each other make it through all this.

God Bless,

I can see how it is tempting for someone to want to take this opportunity to start a whole new life. I'm sure that there are those that do, indeed take the (maybe) one chance to try to accomplish what was missed before.... to reach for those stars that you never got to try before. In some (most) aspects it is a period of healing, renewal, and starting over... so certainly your desires are shared by others.

I think from what my STBX has said, this is his goal.. to start afresh, with completely new career, new family (he has suggested that he would marry and have more children with a younger wife), new place (most probably in Europe).
I think that this is driven at least in part by a mid-life crisis that he is having. (He would deny that he is having a MLC though!)

I have not quite yet figured out what I want. But most likely I too will move somewhere else.. but one near my family for emotional support.

I think that it is a good time to start something new.. but progressing slowly and thoughtfully instead of jumping in head first.

Hi IYam!
Same thing happened to me - I gave the ex-wife everything but a few piddly things, lost my job to Disability, she hated me, turned the kids against me and demanded full custody of them. I got the $^&* out of Alaska and moved to Texas, leaving her up there. Met a nice lady down there, but didn't work out so I lived alone for awhile then met someone else - she is a wonderful Christian Lady and she's the most wonderful woman - real woman - I've ever known!
I lived and enjoyed the single life for almost 2 years - it SUCKED after awhile. No fun living by myself, no companionship, no love, no nothing but boredom. All the things I had wanted to do, I did and it got old real fast...
So, N-Joy it till you get tired and then let the Lord lead you to the RIGHT Woman!
May the Lord guide you and keep you safe as well as heal your hurts, my friend.
Harold

Hey Iyam,

I find myself close to your situation. While I haven't D yet, I know it can come anytime from my side or hers. So I too am in the position of finding a life on my own and bettering myself.

First thing you should do is take YOUR LIFE back. Work on bettering yourself and moving forward. It's not about her anymore, now you have to do things for ONLY YOU. Look out for #1. Like they've said, do things that you want to do that may help you take your mind off of the situation.

As far as selling everything and traveling the world. It sounds fun, but is that running away from the problem? I would figure out my finances so I would be ok and not burn through it to regret it later when I decided what it was I really wanted to do. But that's just me. Any type of thoughts during these times is hard to deem as normal. Give it some time.

God Bless

I'll match your divorce, job change and moving and bump you with death of a parent, just built a house and moved in, addictions of a STBX spouse.

Travelling the world sounds great to me!

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: D B M F S ]</small>

While not really in your situation at all. I have my boys and just started a new job after finally finishing my education. I can sympathize with your feelings.

One thing that I did that might help you feel a bit better or at least help you to realize what you have available now.

After the first 3 affairs but before she left for good, I set up a trip to the Caribbean for us both during our children's fall break (Last Oct.) She left in July. I called up to cancel the trip and the travel agent said "Don't you dare!" She switched it to "Atlantis" in the Bahamas. I went there and while moping around the first night, seeing all the families and couples, I realized that on this trip, at this time, That might be the ONLY time in my life that I was ever in that position again.

I moved from looking sadly at everything, to realizing that I might (hopefully) never again be in a place like this alone. And that this simple fact allowed me freedoms to do things that I would have never been able to do had I been with someone. I ate fresh conch in ramshackle huts where I would probably never have mentioned with a wife or date. I went dancing at the locals club (The Zoo) until 4am without worrying whether someone else was having a good time or getting tired. I slept until 10 am then went diving twice in one day. I went spiney lobster 'spear-fishing' with 4 local boys. (I even used their equipment, mask, fins, and SNORKLE) without a care in the world. I went to the local bar and danced with several very attractive women without thinking about it at all. Basically, I did ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I wanted to do, but would never have been able to do had ANYONE else been with me. I would have had to take them into account, not that it is bad. But I was able to do just what I wanted on MY time schedule... and I did mostly things that I would have never been able to do with my ex, because she would have just wanted to lay on the beach.

So what I am saying is... perhaps a compromise is in order. Without changing your life, perhaps just doing some things that you have always wanted to do but couldn't due to circumstances. Perhaps take a trip... go to the gym... take up bike riding... take up motorcycle riding (wear a helmet, I don't want to see you on my table)... But I echo the thought that you should take your time with decisions.

However, given your situation, I would be in San Francisco finishing up a fabulous fellowship, ready to take on the world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> heh heh heh... wouldn't trade my boys for it though.

DBMFS - you win. Where do you want to go? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for the advice everyone. Yes I am bummed with the course my life has taken over the past 10 months and I wish none of it happened. With that said, yes I do realize it's nothing more than an opportunity now. An opportunity to do anything I want: travel, be a ski bum again, get another degree, start a new career, etc.

I suppose I'm just shocked at the domino effect her infidelity has had. Losing my wife is one thing, but that included losing pretty good dual income...which is affecting my ability to stick it out with a start up business I'm in (good $ won't come in for quite some time), and having to cover my mortgage/utilities/etc. all alone is brutal, given my limited income. So that's why I'm thinking of selling it all and starting fresh somewhere, or simply doing things I wouldn't be able to do as a married guy (especially a married guy that was supposed to start a family this year!). Cha-cha-cha-changes...

I'm about as active and adventurous as anyone I know, but boy, pulling the trigger and actually committing to selling it all and going for it is scary! It also sounds lonely.

My biggest adventure was to move to a different town (different stores, different drive to work, different neighbors etc) I also have moved into an aparment and never, ever lived alone. So that is all the adventure I can take for awhile.

Some have tried to convince me to move farther away or change my job but that is too much change for my puny little soul to take.

One example of how stressful some of these changes were to me was a bad day at the video store. I went to a video store that I never went to with my nerves on edge cause of the holidays and the new adjustments in my life. I stood waiting for the check-out person to finish with the customer ahead of me and I THOUGHT I was next. Well cause the store was new to me, I was standing in the wrong place and had to move myself to get behind a rope and 4 other people. It just put me on overload....I put the video on the counter and then did not know which door to rush out of cause I was fumming. I hated feeling like this and sat in the car and cried. I normally do not get mad at something like that.

New places can be fun but also can put us betrayed spouses on overload.....you need to know who you are and what will be the healthiest for you. More change or some stability??? Right now I need to have consistency and need to know how to act in a familiar place.

TW

Anywhere.
Everywhere.

But I’m going to have to settle for a mini-vacation in Mexico. My sister is taking me for my birthday…she and my brother-in-law think I need to get away from the stress for a few days.

It’s a shame Cerri’s bon fire get-together is too far for me to drive from Texas…I’d like to go.

So, IYWIY, what is your start-up business? What will you do? I’m looking for a net admin and/or accounting type job…like most every other unemployed person in the DFW metroplex. I’m feeling pretty open right now, tho. I can move wherever the mood strikes and the job is available.