If you are in the middle of Dv proceedings, or are already divorced.....why did you finally go ahead with a divorce? (I guess I'm doing a survery of sorts here.)

My guess is that if you're on MB, for many of you, you went ahead with a Dv because you are a BS, and after doing plan A and plan B, your spouse still insisted on staying with the OP. Am I right? How many of you does this describe?

How many of you finally went ahead with a divorce b/c your spouse just refused to actually put any effort into working on the marriage, such as going to counselling or spending any real time together?
(This would be my reason for going ahead with a divorce.)

I'm still stuck in limbo land with an H who won't put any effort into working on our M (refuses to spend time with me, refuses to go for MC), but who doesn't want a Dv yet either. Ideally he would just like more time, to keep having his 2 close female friends (that I say must go if we get back together) and to keep seeing me for sex when it suits him. He also spends, according to him, huge amounts of time doing things for and with his newly widowed mother, and still is really struggling with grief over the loss of his father, and says he needs to get over all of that before he can begin to deal with our M. He calls me selfish b/c I won't be patient about that. Well, it's 14 months since d-day, I think I've been very patient.

Please share with me what finally led you to choose divorce. I'm very curious.

Jen

I guess I'd fall in the second category, but not exactly.

My H said he was willing to do MC, and would show up for appointments-- but his follow through was not there. It was sheer hell. While he said he wanted to work on things, his actions told a different story. I suspected that he was avoiding telling me the truth.

One night, I opened up a conversation, along the lines of "we need to decide what to do. living like this is impossibly hard". He said he thought we had no choice but to split up. It was clear this had been on his mind for a while, and also clear that he did not seem able to initiate the discussion.

I would NEVER have given up on the marriage, even though I was not happy. I take my promises very seriously. But once he said that he wanted to split up, I did not argue. While part of me was devastated, there was also part of me that was releived. (I guess I had a clear conscience, since he was the one to bail.... but I can't say I disagree that D was the right thing.)

So bottom line, once I realized he did not want to be married to me. I did tell him that since he wanted it, he should file. But that I would not fight it-- there's just no sense. One person cannot make a marriage if the other is not even open to it.

Jen,
I have been wondering the same myself...I have been in limbo land for only 7 months now, but I dont see even a glimmer of hope as to any progress being made. My husband says that he is not asking me for a divorce, but yet he just doesnt want to be married right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . He refused counseling. The only time I see him is when he is picking up or dropping off our son (which has gotten few and far between). He refuses to have any interaction that might give me "hope" as he says. If he doesnt want to give me hope, it sounds like he has already made up his mind, so why cant he just let me go?? I feel like he wants me to be the "bad" guy here. Could that be the case with your H...maybe he just doesnt want to do it? My husband knows that if I file my dad will take care of the bill...he doesnt have to put out the money so he can spend it on more important things like fishing and hunting. Maybe your H just doesnt want to put out he money either....I dont know. So how long do you give them???

The exact reason I filed was because H withdrew every bit of $ from our joint account.

I didn't file when when he left. I didn't file when he was spending all his time with another family.

But I was pregnant, due in a little over a month, with a 2 year old and had NO MONEY and he wasn't paying child support.

I filed, to enforce child support only. I told him (and his entire family) that in an email.

I said "I know I said I would never file, but I feel I must do something to protect myself financially".

Hi Jen,

I initially filed for dv. My x-WW, after separating, met a guy she wanted to get serious with (commitment-wise) and kind of pushed it through much faster in her new place.

The best way to go on this would probably be to stick to No Contact. The longer this goes on, the more likely they are to let it go. But, in your case, who knows? I wish you the best.

jen, From my own experience, I agree with Lyxa about the NC. I'm your first case scenario. I think the insurmountable obstacle in my case was my H's ongoing drug and alcohol abuse on top of the ongoing relationship with the MOW, which continues to this day, and the severe verbal abuse.

I hung in for 1.5 years while he lived with the OW but visited me sometimes daily for sex (sound familiar?) and talked about getting back together if he could only get over all my past mistakes - most of which were figments of his imagination such as my being in love with an old boyfriend.

My WH is a masterful manipulator and has managed to evade prosecution (so far) on spousal abuse charges as well as to obtain ridiculously high spousal support provided by me as I do his job and my job at our business while neither he and OW have had to work for over 3 years.

I've had NC for over a year. It has really helped me to see reality and to get down off the fence and get on with my life.

Im divorce and remarried........here are my reasons I went through with my divorce from my 1st wife.

1. She had EA at least yrs ago in our marriage.

2. She left me 6yrs ago to test the single waters, only to beg me back and say we would be together forever and divorce would never be uttered out of her mouth. I took her back in.

3. She was mean and rude to everyone, including her family and mine. Noone liked her.....her attitude sucked.

4. She never wanted to go to MC although we had problems.

5. She sucked at finance and spent all of our money. She also maxed out every credit card.

6. She was narcissitic and only thought of herself and craved attention.

7. She called me a loser and disrespected me, even though I was always home, a good father, and had my college degree. I also helped her get through college financially.

8. She thru me out after our last argument over the ABOVE things, made an agreement to just seperate and then filed for divorce 3wks later.

9. Brought another man around my kids less than a month after we seperated, even after we agreed not to bring other people around our kids.

10. She signed the divorce papers and handed them to me......I signed them on the spot.

Im happier than I have been in a very, very long time. Im remarried to a totally different woman who has none of the bad attributes my EX had. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks to all for sharing your reasons for divorcing your spouse. Quite the variety here actually.

I used to say that I would never file for Dv, that my H would have to do that, but he has said he won't do the paperwork, I'd have to do it if I want to end the M. He has recently said if I didn't do this amicably (and stick to what we both agreed to in our original homemade separation agreement) that he would just ignore any and all legal papers that came his way to prolong things and be a general pr!#k.

Cantlethimgo:"If he doesnt want to give me hope, it sounds like he has already made up his mind, so why cant he just let me go?? I feel like he wants me to be the "bad" guy here." You sound just ike me here! I do think that my H wants me to be the bad guy here, so he can whine on to his family and friends and future GFs that I cheated on him, left him, and then filed for Dv (and continue to play the victim for all it's worth, forevermore).

LeTStry: You mentioned drug and alcohol abuse on top of your spouse's A. My H drinks far too much too often, just about always when I am in his presence anyway. He also has an addiction to porn, numerous videos, bizarre toys, and the man still has many pairs of my panties, plus some he's bought since I left. These are 2 more factors that compound my situation too.

The tough thing for me is I don't want to admit I've failed at my marriage, I wish we could truly BOTH try working on it again before we give up, but if my H isn't willing to come halfway, after 14 months, then I think it's time to move on. I'm not getting any younger, and having a family with someone someday is very important to me.

If anyone else cares to share your reasons for going ahead with your divorce, I would be interested to hear them.

Thanks,

Jen

You have my permission to file for divorce.

Does that help?

YOU and you alone can decide what you can and can not endure. There is personal solice when we take charge of our own thoughts and actions.

What I know and preach is "turn over every rock". You will "know" if you have. You will know when it is time...........

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: Ragamuffin ]</small>

jen, my H also has the porn addiction and the toys, but I don't think he's interested in my panties, LOL.

I totally relate when you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The tough thing for me is I don't want to admit I've failed at my marriage, I wish we could truly BOTH try working on it again before we give up, but if my H isn't willing to come halfway... then I think it's time to move on. I'm not getting any younger...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I, too, did everything I could - Plan A, MC with Steve H and two others, Plan B, etc. - and I'm definitely not getting any younger since I'm about 20 years older than you. My H blames me for everything, even though he was the one who had the A - you can't control what he says or thinks.

You have to do what's right for you.

I wanted to add, YOU'LL KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME to file. I remember I didn't know for a while... and the it became apparent I HAD to file. Something will make it obvious you have to.

My (now ex) wife took off 5 weeks after d-day (25 Dec 98).
She came back in May 99 for 4 days to visit kids.
I saw her at her brothers funeral (out of state) in Dec 99.
She next visited kids in Jan 2002, 2 weeks before divorce hearing.

These were the only times I saw her. There was NO contact with me or kids from Feb-Sep 00. At that time I asked her if we could get together and just talk about everything. I asked her to just let me know what city she was in & I would fly out and we could go to a restaurant (or whatever) and talk. She didn't even have to tell me exactly where she was staying. All I got was, "I'll think about it." She said this the next 3 times I talked with her.

I filed in Aug 01, completed in Jan 02. She doesn't know it yet. I could not even have her served (no address) so it was all done in the local paper.

I never went to a "real" Plan B as it owuld have been pretty stupid to send a letter and tell her to not contact me when she was not having contact with me. (Steve Harley agreed with this)

Please share with me what finally led you to choose divorce.
Basically, I was tired of waiting for ANYTHING at all.
Game over, I win... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Good for you Chris......I know you will hate this remark.....BUT, with the abandonment, you SHOULD have divorced her. God Bless Ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I fall into the second category. I am the BS and after 4 false recoveries and continued lies, deception, little effort, No MC on her part, no reading, no plan, just wanted to be there and raise kids...well needless to say, it did not work...I have ontinued MC, read almost every book, Plan A, Plan B, WW ended up getting arrested, (she called) and has a NC w/ me ...how ironic...I have gone the due diligence and filled out and delivered the D papers out of the need to protect myself and children...My heart was not in it, but it was neccessary...I delivered the papers to attny on a Wed am...not happy, but realistic...Wed PM, I was served by her...I am releived in the sense that she began it, continued it and filed....at some point, she will wake up and see all she has destroyed...
It has been an ugly battle thus far and nothing has gone her way...she continues to spiral down and sadly taking me and 3 kids w/ her...I do not see things getting better soon..I do beleive in miracles and god has a plan....but I am standing strong and will not roll over any longer..I have gained a measure of self respect back and am angry that I let myself be abused as such...I did all I could now it is up to her but I am preparing to move on...Yes, I am lonely, sad , angry, scared, all the emotions, but it feels good to stand firm and fight for what is right after fighting for my marriage so long...10+ months...

me 42
ww 41
d'day 11/8/02, pregnant
11/9/02 abortion, already planned
several false recoveries
11/26/02, kicked ww out, new contact
7/8/03, ww arrested after she became physical over contact 7/4/03 weekend
7/24/03 ww filed divorce

My ex just left... said that I 'couldn't change' then later said I had changed so much, she could see it, and had changed 100%. Well, I hadn't really changed that much, however, I was putting much more effort into trying to make her happy. I had always been a good and thoughtful guy, but I hadn't always listened and acted so overtly in the effort to make her happy at all costs. But the fact was, it wasn't me in the first place. I was a part, but she thought that I was the whole, and getting 'rid' of me would make her life so much better.

I hope so... I would hate to think that she was so stupid as to have done all this and still not be ecstatic with her life. She said I treated her like a child. Her adult decisions speak for themselves. And just because I didn't agree with her, she would think that I was controlling. I would voice an opinion... and I NEVER just said my way or the highway... but that is what fits her current 'way of thinking' about our life together. It allows her to 'join the girl's club' of her divorced friends. The ones who were physically and emotionally abused. Who were never respected and who were the sole support of their children. She wants so badly to be able to say 'Yea, me too' that she appears to be willing to sacrifice her children in order to be able to say it. Well, it is her choice... it has ALWAYS been her choice. I didn't even get to pick a movie during out life... The one that I wanted to see "The last Star Wars" we didn't go because she didn't want to. That is why... nothing else.

My ex just left... 4 months after wanting to divorce and then me finding out about 3 affairs. She begged me to try again, I did... she didn't. She wanted NOTHING she did to matter, but everything I did was aimed directly at her. She filed... did nothing... I got tired and wrote on here that I was going to push it through. She read it and finally got things going again. She filed 14 years to the day since I first kissed her.

I had no choice in the divorce, I didn't want it until I found out she left me and immediately if not before she left, was back with her old boyfriend. It made me realize at the moment I found out, that this was just the way she was and not worth my time... unfortunately she will always be my children's mother. BUT NOT the only female influence in their lives if I have any say in the matter. I couldn't stand my boys thinking this is the type of person that they have to look forward to as a wife... I would have two celebate priests for children.

I don't know what you should do Jen... I wish I did. I do agree that time enough has passed... nothing has changed within him. Perhaps nothing will, or perhaps this will shock him into reality. But whatever happens... I pray for you... I know I had no respect for you when you first started posting. But I must say, I would be happy to call you friend.

<small>[ August 08, 2003, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

My x had been gone over 3 years. We had met at the counselor's office several times and he would often say he wanted to work on the marriage but he was all talk an no action. None. Zip. Nada.

Then, one day, a year after being in the dr office with one stress-related problem, I was back again. With what felt to me like an erratic heart beat. Dr said the EKG looked fine and that it was probably stress related, also.

Since the irregularities occured at times I thought were low-stress, I knew it was pervasive stress in my life causing the problem.

I wanted my marriage. But I had to stay alive. I wasn't left with many options.

I filed for divorce when I realized that what my W was telling me and what she was actually doing and feeling was not truthful. I also realized that after 2 years of utter destruction, it was time to stop the madness.

So I'm cleaning up BOTH messes. W wants me to give her another chance (#8 by the way), but no-way-jose.

For me I had no choice, the State of WA is a no-fault Divorce State and my ex-H filed. (Can you believe it, HE divorced ME! ughhh)

I did, however, stretch the 90 days to 6 mos. I needed that time to adjust I guess. But then in June I went to my attroney and said "Make it happen". And they did within 48 hours.

My ex-H said he was pressured by OW to divorce me, direct quote. He said it was my fault he had to file because I made OW angry for filing an anti-harassment order on her.

When I saw the final divorce papers with his signature on it, he scribbled it really weird and large and hard ... I thought that was queer and my heart told me it was because he was hurting too. [don't ever listen to your heart]

Cripes, now I'm sad.

Jo

Jen,
After giving him 3 years to straiten up and do what we needed to do to make a go of it, he didn't do it.
I moved on with bettering my own life and gave myself a time limit.
When time was up, and nothing had changed, I moved on.
I realized one day that I didn't trust him and I never would. What he was giving wasn't enough.
He didn't care to do what was needed.
We had other issues besides the unfaithfulness, on his part.

Only you will know when enough is enough.
One day you will have clarity and know what you need to do.
I had to ask myself why I didn't see myself as deserving better.
When I finally did, when I knew my life was better, even with no one to share my life with,
my day of clarity came.

Now I look forward and never look back.
I know I made the right choice.

Aly

I have to say this was not the greatest thread for me to read, because so many of the stories have similarities to where I am at now, and these feel hopeless to save the M (although every person seems to have persevered!!!!)....Jen, sorry I haven't e-mailed you back but had company until just yesterday.....I know where you are at, go to Plan B....I do think your H is leaving it in your hands, and he has had no reason to take you seriously as you are still there for so many things including sex....do No Contact-it certainly can't hurt (certainly not more than a D), and at least this is your final attempt before you have no other choice.....I am going to e-mail you my letter to my H, and I think there are others here somewhere....But do that and stay strong...If you file a D then you are no further ahead because you may still give into the things that you are now....Get some support and Plan B- you can do it...

I can't say from what I have read that your H even deserves to be married to you, but you obviously love him and see some good in him, so do yourselves a favor and don't start the finality yet....

Talk soon,
D