My son turned 16 on Monday. There was no ceremonial trip to the DMV for his drivers license...I cant afford to put him on the insurance. There is no hunt for the perfect 1st car...if I cant afford the insurance, how can I afford a car? How does he look for his 1st real job, he has no transportation to get there.

He is not getting the things his sister got at his age...I feel like I have let him down. Most of all he doesn't have his parents together under one roof. He has become like so many of his friends...another statistic.

My kids always took delight in the fact that their parents were still together. They didnt have to deal with spliting time with families on holidays. They didnt have to deal with a mom and a dad struggling over who was going to pay for what when it came to the children. They didnt have to deal with the anger over one parent moving forward and leaving everyone else's life in a mess. Now, they do.

I pray that my son understands that I am doing the best I can. I pray that he doesnt start to resent me...this wasnt my choice. I have already lost one man in my life, I couldnt stand to lose him too.

Sorry, I guess it is just one of those Pity Party days.

Cant,
I know whereof you speak... My kids have had a couple of milestones since H left and I've felt resentment due to what his selfishness has caused our children - who are old enough to remember the way things WERE and SHOULD be.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray that my son understands that I am doing the best I can. I pray that he doesnt start to resent me...this wasnt my choice </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure he DOES realize that. If you'd feel better making sure he does, why not say it to him? It might help you both to discuss it since he's just had another milestone in his life. Sometimes adversity brings parents and kids together.
Thinking of you today!

Cantlethimgo,

I do not know your story, other then reading your situation, from the bottom of your post..

I have not posted in a VERY LONG time, but I do still lurk.. BUT the reason I chose to respond to your post, is because I have one child, who is turning 16 come January, of `04, a girl.. and she wants a sweet sixteen, like all her other friends have done..

Now her dad and I, are final since june of last yr.. he has been gone since Nov. of `98.. we remain in plan B to this day.. (at first my choice, but now I`m over it, and it is his choice, WHY I have no idea!)

HOW EVER.. under certain circomstances, (my daughter got into a little trouble a while back, and was assigned a probation officer..) and this woman was my savior, in so many ways... so my daughters troubles lead to some of OUR resolutions.. not that they are all gone, mind you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .. there is still a long way to go..

I was asked if she had gone or was going to counceling.. I told the probation officer, she use to go when my ex first left, but then refused to go any more, after a while.. and I would love for her to go back, to help US, (her and I) get along better.. (tipical female teen ager <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

any way.. since she has been going, the COUNCELER has helped trimendously.. we explained that my ex and I do not talk.. (as I said, his choice, I have asked over and over through e-mails if he would burry the hatchet, (mean while I`m the one who was should still be mad, go figure) and to please try and be civil with each other, for our daughters sake)so far nothing has changed..my feeling are, because he is a coward..

my point to all this is: unfortunatly, my daugther has to be in the middle, and ask her dad, (through the councelers suggestion) if he would have a huge party for her 16th birthday, with every one present.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (that means both sides of each family) sooooooo.. supposidely the latest is, he said he would TALK to me about it.. (he was just recently asked) so there has been no talk about it as yet.. so we shall see how long it takes the coward to get up the nerve to talk to me.. but mean while.. SHE IS THE ONE who had to make the initiative, if she wanted this to happen...

now, as I said I do not know your situation, only what I have just read above.. My question is, is there any chance that your stbx can help??? and if so, can your son speak to him?? if not you, for your sons sake? this is a situation that does not pertain to the two of you getting back together.. this is only about YOUR SON. what is going on legally?? have either of you filed? anything agreed on as yet??

It really "IS" so unfair to all kids, wheather young or older.. my daughter just told me this morning, she had a bad dream.. and it was very explicid.. the details were horribly sad.. too long to describe.. but the jest of it was that her dad and I were back together, and we were "all" on vac as a family, together, some where south.. and at the end of her dream, we all died.. one by one, from a sudden storm.. and she woke up crying.

Now, her dad has been engaged, (not to the woman he left me for, she is still married, but some one new) non the less he finally set a date for his new marraige, and I beleive this dream was set off from his anoucment of this event.. my analogy is that she still wants her parents back together, and is scared of what the future is going to be like, and affraid of (a teens perspective) loosing both of us (to an extent) to some one else.. (I have no one "else" special in my life, only her) BUT she is "still" devistated that she has lost the family life, that she once had, remembers and was so happy with.. and now HAS TO except not the ONE, (so far) but eventually TWO new step parents, INSTEAD of having her family back..

I wanted to suggest if possible, to get some counceling, not only for your kids, but also for your self.. it "DOES" help so much.. and gives every one involved, a different, and BETTER perspective.. we all need help and support, and with that help we eventually learn HOW to deal with it all..

I wish you luck in your new journey in life.. I hope it all works out for you and the kids..

take care..
AV

((((((((CLHG))))))))

I feel for you! It is just so unfair that the kids have to deal with this also.

I know what you are talking about when our older son was going off to college it was an exciting time. My youngest can't live on campus had to tell him last week. My heart broke for him! He said he didn't care but I know if stbxh was still at home he would be able to do the things his older brother did. We just can't afford it.

I had to tell son not his father, he is such a coward. I don't know if its harder on the older children or younger but you can't hide things from the older ones. They see all!

I would suggest that you tell your son just how you feel and do something special with him. It can be the little things that count. I left the post it notes all over the house saying Happy Birthday I mean everywhere it got to be quite funny and he really like it I could tell.

He would never think less of you because he knows how much you love him. Kids are very wise!

Thinking of you.
LJ

It is difficult.

My ex told my oldest daughter last week. This is better for everyone. He is still in such denial. She proceeded to tell him--that no, it wasn't better for us. She doesn't like that her parents are dating other people, she doesn't like not knowing if her tuition will be paid, she doesn't like the pain we are all going through, she doesn't like that he doesn't pay our child support----and then he attacked her.

My second oldest has had her first boyfriend since my ex has been gone, played her heart out for soccer games, gone to proms...and he hasn't been there for any of it, received her driver's liscense...etc....he missed all of it. It was heartbreaking on her 16th birthday.

My third daughter has been playing on a select soccer team, is going to start middle school, and he has missed so much.

My son just misses his dad...period. He has missed all of the little special occasions like class plays and presentations. He has missed his ball games and swim meets. How sad.

All for a 28 year old bimbo...who has no clue what family life is all about. What type of person would do this to their family????

But, he always tries to convince us how "Happy, how very, very happy he is." Of course, we listen to this through slurred speech. He sure sounds happy.

Wish we were so Happy......Pat

Can you tell how hard these past two weeks have been---the divorce didn't end the misery he causes us--but I do have to find a better way of handling it--or it will kill me. Pat

I know how you feel. our 14 yr old son tells friends that he doesnt have a dad. son use to get whatever he ask for. Now its wait and lets see what left over after paying bills. Dad hasnt sent birthday gift from 4-03, since he left home in 5-01 to be with MOW, one phone call (03)one letter(03)from dad that upset our son after reading it. Dad told him about MOW, now he is trying to say I threw him out and put the blame on our D on me. they havent seen each other since 7-02. dad knows how son feels about OW and hasnt told him about the engagement or the new home $120,000 they bought together. We had to hear about it from OW X. Dad quit paying on court order medical and school and is behind $1800 dad is a sheriff officer and should know better. Son first shave was last week, didnt have the money to buy him a electric shaver so I cleaned up mine and gave it to him. We both laught and I got to shave him. This should have been dad place. I will be the one teaching him to drive and doing the things Dad should have done. Ive heard from old friends that Dad is at OW 3 boys ball games, with his busy life he doesnt have time for his only child. I dont mind feeling in for dad, without him around it has given us so much peace that both of us really needed. Both of us have been though hell with this man, not knowing what he wanted with his life. 1st he wanted MOW, then came back wanting his family, then back to MOW. I could not take it anymore, and went on with my life with my son.

Thanks All,
I just needed a shoulder to cry on...I have friends and family, but they havent been through this themselves, so they just dont understand.

Avondale,
Thanks for your thoughts. I have told my son...I think he understands. He is such a quiet child to begin with, it is just so hard to really know what he is thinking, even harder to get him to talk about it. He does talk to his sister, they are really close. She says he understands...but I still feel just aweful. Shortly after his dad left, his dad asked him to choose who he wanted to live with...he chose me. I guess I am still just really scared he will change his mind. You know, dad does all the fun stuff with him...hunting trips, fishing trips...after all he has the money to do it with. He doesnt have many bills to pay. I have always been the one there for my son. His dad really was not that involved in his life, but sometimes a boy his age just needs his dad. This is what I am afraid of.

Numbheart,
I feel for you as well. I also tend to make my kids be the go between. NC is just better for me. Neither of us has filed yet. He wont make a decision, he told me to do it if I needed to move on (he doesnt want to be the bad guy). You can find more of my story on the Emotional Needs board under a thread talking about Chronic Illnesses (fairly new, I think I am on page 11). Anyway, he is giving me some money weekly, but I have the house and all the bills. He is living with his sister and has no bills. We dont have any credit card bills or anything like that...just all the bills that go with a house. I am usually Ok, but any unexpected expense puts me in a tailspin. I just had a root canal! That expense on top of renewing house insurance on top of needing to buy school clothes, etc....has me paying my utility bills on cut off dates at this point. I WILL SURVIVE! God just provided $300 (long story, just from watching a consumer report on the news). Woohoo...school clothes!
Anytime I approach my husband about money, he gives me a song and dance about how he doesnt have any...I know better, I can access his new checking account by phone (he doesnt know). I prefer not to tell him I know about this just yet.
I have been counseling with the Pastor at our church. While the Youth Pastor's are good friends, my son just doesnt open up to them. He does talk to his sister and her boyfriend. The boyfriend is a great help..his parents divorced long ago.
My children are already thinking about the future too. My kids say they know I will make a better choice next time. However, they are concerned about what kind of person their dad will end up with. Let's just say some of his friends are just not from the good side of the tracks.

LJ,
Thank God, my mom had trust funds set up for my children's educations (she passed away 12 years ago). Now, getting the money out of my dad (he controls the trusts) is an act of congress and he makes me feel bad for doing it even though that is what it is there for.

My h is also a coward...his favorite thing to do is to tell the kids things I say to him without telling them what he said to get that response from me! They have gotten wise to this already! In this area, it is really better that they are older because they do see for themselves, but still really sad that they have to see it.

I am going to take my son to Bass Pro Shop this weekend to spend his B-Day money. This is really not my idea of fun, but he loves it. I had asked if he wouldn't rather have his dad take him to do that...he said no, his dad went a couple of weeks ago and didnt think to invite him. What a shame, his dad doesnt even realize what he is missing! Thanks for thinking of me.

Thanks Misery and My Family, will get to you soon...have to leave to take son to the eye doctor for new contacts.

Misery,
My H was never really involved in the kids lives to begin with...now that I think about it he has always been selfish.

When discussing with my son the offer his dad had made to live with him, we realized he had never taken him to the doctor, dentist, drum lessons, or school functions. He doesnt even know where his dentist is..or drum lessons. His dad never saw a karate test for a new belt. His dad did see an occasional baseball or basketball game, but could never be his coach because it might cause him to miss a hunting or fishing trip. Heck, my son broke his knee cap playing basketball and my husband went to the deer lease and left me to handle him. He had surgery and couldnt walk, I was supposed to get him up...he at the time was about 5'6, 150 lbs (now 6'1, 240)....I am 5'2. He pretty much had to stay on the couch for a week and then had to rehab because of it! But, like your son...he still misses his dad.

I taught my daughter to drive, my aunt helped me purchase her first car...not her dad. She was on the drill team for 2 years, she was even an officer, he saw her dance at 1 football game in 2 years! I sat alone at her final performance her Sr. year (crying my eyes out). Football season and Hunting season are a conflict. I know this from fighting over who was going to get to use the video camera, me to film her or him to film deer grazing or being shot! UGH!

So why did I love this man???? I dont know. Why does it hurt so much???? I dont know. And he too continually tells us how happy he is...I guess so, he doesnt have to share his video camera anymore! I am still in the anger stage...can you tell???

Pat, I know you will find a way to deal, you have made it through so much already!