Can't get the word "belong" out of my mind. Plus I struggle off and on with an overwhelming feeling of not belonging to anyone and not belonging anywhere. (I think the brokenness of family and lack of committment to others tends to fracture relationships today.) I think I always struggled with this. When I was married, I never seemed to fit in with any particular group. I did not have a working marriage so I did not feel married and I was not single so I always felt in limbo. The recent separation has now magnified this feeling for me. I thought the single life would be more fun cause with the freedom to find single friends, you could fit right in with other singles. ha--was I wrong.

As an adult child of an alcoholic and one who has lived with an alcoholic H, and one who has almost every relative who is alcholic, I sense this may be just a problem for family members effected by alcoholism.

My belonging goes beyond my marital problems. It seems there are all families at church so I tend to feel I don't belong there. When I was married, my H did not go to church so that categorized me in another group. Most things I do, I don't seem to sense that I belong. I think I feel that I don't fit in for some reason.

I am an extrovert and I have no problem communicating so I know I don't just sit somewhere and disconnect.

I guess I am trying to find out if this is MY unique problem or if others sense this, too and how often they feel this way and for what reasons?????

As Christians, do we ever feel like we belong here? Hope to hear some stories of what makes you feel like you belong and who makes you feel like you belong to someone.

TW

tossed,

I am going to take some time to ponder this question before answering. My first thought was to fire off with, I don't belong to someone, I am my own me. But will ponder this question and get back to you, as now I have to think about this more.

Dawn

"Belong" - a very interesting word. More and more, I am finding that, as each day goes by, I "belong" to me. In other words...I am getting to know "me" and who I am and learning to be comfortable with "just me."

That being said, I do feel like a nothing in a world of doubles - I'm not single because technically, I am still married - on both paper and in my heart. I am not divorced because of the international requirements associated with serving STBXH with divorce papers now that he is living in another country.

What I do know, is that I liked being married, I liked being my husband's wife, I liked being part of what I thought was a loving, committed couple. In fact, the best way I can describe it is a Don Henley song that STBXH and I danced to at our wedding:

Taking You Home - (Don Henley/Stan Lynch/Stuart Brawley)

I had a good life
Before you came along
I had my friends and my freedom
I had my name
Still there was sorrow and emptiness
'Til you made me glad
Oh, in this love I found strength I never knew I had

1st Chorus:
And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
Taking you home

There were days, lonely days
When the world, wouldn't throw me a crumb, no no
But I kept on believing
That this day would come

And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known, no no baby
Take my hand love
I'm taking you home
I'm taking you, home
Where we can be with the ones who really care
Home, where we can grow together
Keep you in, my heart forever

Instrumental (Keyboard)

2nd Chorus:
Oh and this love
Is like nothing I have ever known, oh no no baby
Take my hand love
I'm taking you home

3rd Chorus:
Oh this love
Is like nothing I have ever known, no no baby
Take my hand.
I'm taking you home
I'm taking you, home
Yes I am, mm, mm, mm, hey baby, hey baby
Taking you home

Short Instrumental w/background vocals

I'm taking you home baby
I'm taking you home.

Not sure any of this makes sense other than to say that I understand what you are saying - you just feel out of sorts. Kind of like, "Hey, this was who I was for so long and now I'm not that anymore, so where do I fit in?"

Regards,

Brit's Brat

TW, Have you ever been to Al-Anon? My H is also an alcoholic as are many members of his family, and I have a brother who's a recovering alcoholic. I spent most of my life feeling like I didn't belong for one reason or another before I came to Al-Anon looking for a way to get my STBXH sober. But I eventually came to realize that I didn't have to power to get my H sober and that Al-Anon was about my own recovery.

In Al-Anon we learn to focus on ourselves so our families, religious preferences, educational backgrounds, jobs/careers, incomes, etc. are not important and are often unknown. Al-Anon is a place I feel I truly belong and single vs. married isn't even an issue. I've found many friends there because the shared experience of living with alcoholism brings together people who might otherwise never meet.

tossedwave,

If I understand correctly, what you mean by "belonging" is membership - as in belonging to a group, not ownership.

-AD

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

By the way...

tossedwave,

I've always liked your screen name. It reminds me of the Navy Hymn.

"Navy Hymn"

Eternal Father, strong to save,
Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,
Who bidd'st the mighty ocean deep
Its own appointed limits keep;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

O Christ! Whose voice the waters heard
And hushed their raging at Thy word,
Who walked'st on the foaming deep,
And calm amidst its rage didst sleep;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

Most Holy Spirit! Who didst brood
Upon the chaos dark and rude,
And bid its angry tumult cease,
And give, for wild confusion, peace;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

O Trinity of love and power!
Our brethren shield in danger's hour;
From rock and tempest, fire and foe,
Protect them wheresoe'er they go;
Thus evermore shall rise to Thee
Glad hymns of praise from land and sea.

....

I had to stop and wipe my eyes. My eyes mist up every time I think about that song. It's not just about the sea, but about life.

-AD

Tossed Wave,
Your sentiments ring entirely true to me. Each morning when I look at my hands without rings they symbolize to me how I feel, without ANYTHING that I can affiliate with and display. I have the same reaction when I go to church; the Catholic church I take my son to on alternate weekends when he is with me is very family-oriented; when I am alone, I go to a different church on Sunday evening at 5 pm which is more adult-only, but I still find myself surveying the pews and evaluating how many other singles there are.
I spend my life counting and comparing. My dog recently died, so now I am a "doglover" without a dog, so where do I belong in that realm?
I am adopted, which probably was the first element which made me realize very young that I was in some ways "living a lie," pretending that I belonged to the family I was brought into.
I went from being one of two children in that family to be an "only child" at the age of 37 when my adoptive brother killed himself. I married a man 17 years younger than myself, so I never truly felt I "belonged" even when our marriage was intact.
I'm not telling you all this just to "oh me, poor me" but to illustrate that I think some people, by virtue of both heredity and destiny live a large part of their lives in this sense, and of course we likely seek to replicate the experience in many facets of our lives until it smacks us in the face and we deal with it. I too, at first found that "wow, I'm not different anymore" feeling in Alanon, but I even attend there not due to alcoholism in my family but my adoptive mother was paranoid schizophrenic and my ex-husband a sex addict, so I'm "similar," but still don't quite "fit"!
I guess to sum it up, you ARE NOT ALONE in feeling that way!
My best,
Linda

TW-

If you can afford it, I'd suggest you go and see a counselor specializing in addictions to help you work through this. From what I recall from our sessions with a MC, your feelings of not belonging are very common with people that grow about around Alcoholics.

Our C, who specialized in addictions, indicated that this is something that can definitely be worked through once you understand the roots of it. Unfortunately, in my case my XW quit the sessions because it became too uncomfortable to confront.

Good luck to you, I know from personal experience how destructive a disease it can be to everyone involved.

TW-

If you can afford it, I'd suggest you go and see a counselor specializing in addictions to help you work through this. From what I recall from our sessions with a MC, your feelings of not belonging are very common with people that grow up around Alcoholics.

Our C, who specialized in addictions, indicated that this is something that can definitely be worked through once you understand the roots of it. Unfortunately, in my case my XW quit the sessions because it became too uncomfortable to confront.

Good luck to you, I know from personal experience how destructive a disease it can be to everyone involved.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

Tossedwave,

I used to feel I didn't belong anywhere too--

My marriage was much the same way...I was married
but alone..

it sounds like many of your relationships are superficial...mine were too--and something I have learned over the years--

Being an ACOA, it's difficult to 'trust' others to really be there for you..your afraid to really let them into your life..

Afraid to share your deepest pain..hurts, Joys, ask for help when you really need it..

all because you've never had ANYONE you loved be there for you when you really needed them--
so how can you trust others who aren't blood family or a spouse to be there for you??

Have you tried getting involved in a singles ministry? maybe joining a ladies bible study at church??

If you start there, it may help you begin to build that trust with others..opening up a little
when you feel comfortable doing so--asking for prayer..and others asking you for prayer..and help
you feel more connected...

I also learned that it's okay if others aren't always there when I think I need them to be--
because "GOD" is always there for me..

Have you been using your spiritual gifts where God has called you to use them within the body of Christ??

As a Christian..you are a part of the body--and the bible says..when part of the body is hurting it effects the rest of the body--but because you are also a seperate person..the only way other's will know your hurting..is by sharing that with them..

Think about a toothache..you know you have one because every time you bite down on something it hurts..is that tooth ache just going to go away?
No, it won't..you have to go to the dentist..and tell him..you have a tooth ache..so he can give you medicine..

If you don't go to the dentist is he going to know
YOU have a toothache??? No..You have to tell him...if you don't share with him your tooth is hurting..he can't do anything..

just like with the this..if you don't open up with those around you they won't know you are hurting..so they can't offer to help..

And at the same..you are not giving them or God the opportunity to use the Gifts He has given them..and your not walking in faith that God will do what He says..that He will provide for your needs...and this is one of those needs..

but the bible also also tells us, that we are to ask--so now is the time to step out in that faith you say you have..and that doesn't just mean ask God..but ask other Christians too--allow God to bless them...by being able to help you--

I know when God allows me the opportunity to help
others..God is using the gifts HE has given me..
and I feel blest...

Thanks everybody----I can see that there are so many different reasons for not feeling like one belongs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm not single because technically, I am still married - on both paper and in my heart. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Brit---this is very much how I feel. I am sure what I am going through is a transition thing. That song is so romantic....what can change a spouse from thinking like this???? I never ever had anyone express love in this way.

LetStry---I have been to Alanon alot in the past 12-15 yrs but I don't feel I belong there either. I feel a wall between me and alanoners. I can't open up there----I get overwhelmed with synicism, and I never feel a genuine sense of welcome. Everyone is so self-absorbed but the principles of Alanon help me so much. I read my OADAT book every day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I understand correctly, what you mean by "belong" is about membership, not ownership - as in belonging to a group.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly, AD. thanks for defining that for me. I picked tossedwave from the bible verse in James 1:6 where it talks about asking God for wisdom so that you won't doubt and be like the wave of the sea which is blown and tossed by the wind. I have always been a doubter and boy, do I get tossed. Nice Hymn, though. I need to read it when I can think clearer. I have trouble understanding poetry.

Linda A--maybe some of our choices keep us from the feeling of belonging.

Itchfield---I have done many counseling sessions and that is how I discovered what alcoholism was doing to me. It probably saved my life, this realization. I have been in recovery for years and I am so much more healthier than ever but this A thing has really thrown me for a loop.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Being an ACOA, it's difficult to 'trust' others to really be there for you..your afraid to really let them into your life.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ThornedRose---in reality, no one is there for you. I would love to find a singles group. Where do ya start? I have a Bible study in my home every Friday and that is awesome. I have no problem sharing my gut there. If someone will listen, I can share my head off but I fear I push people away with my deepness and ease of sharing. I don't ramble on but I know myself well and have no problem espresses how I feel any given day. I just figure no one cares or will take the time to listen.....I feel I am bothering someone with my problems.

All this was very helpful....helps to see how others struggle with not feeling they belong even though it is different with each individual.

TW

tossedwave:

--in reality, no one is there for you--

This depends..sometimes they are there for you..
and sometimes they aren't..

They can't ALWAYS be there for you..just like here
we aren't always posting here..so sometimes..you
can't depend on us either..

Something that really helped me during the time I felt I didn't 'belong' --was reading Is 54..
It brought much comfort to my heart..

Thorned---You are painfully right and I am, unfortunately, painfully aware of it on a regular basis. NO ONE IS THERE for you all the time is so true. I had a best friend who loved me dearly and I her. She died 4 yrs ago. I also feel my H and I were best friends in spite of our marital discord and I lost him. I KNOW we cannot rely on others. Friends come and go. One day they talk to you the next they don't. Sometimes your posting gets responses and sometimes they don't.

It was funny----today I was summarizing some of the difficult things in my life over the years and my coworkers are so amazed at all the pain and tragedy that I have experienced. They felt it was very rare that someone would have so much to deal with. I am surprised I am not more deranged than I am.

I read Is 54 and verses 4-6 were very comforting a couple of years ago when the betrayal was so raw. Thanks for reminding me of the faithfulness of God as Redeemer and Husband. I rejoice in the fact that God is a personal, everpresent loving Maker. HE IS ALWAYS THERE.

Brit's song has these words: Oh, in this love I found strength I never knew I had

This is so true of God's love but He also made us relational beings and I think His ultimate plan for our complete happiness comes in our special relationships with Him and others. I read this morning in Genesis that God made Adam but it was not good that he was alone thus M was born. I think God has a beautiful, complete plan in the marriage experience but so few see or strive for this experience. We are very self-centered creatures with so many broken pieces inside.

I am glad this forum is here whether there is posters here for me or not. Getting these thoughts out lessens their power over me and that I can be thankful for.

TW

{{{{{{{{tossedwave}}}}}}}}} I do understand how you feel. I started going in and out of Al-Anon almost 20 years ago, but never really surrendered my will until I was hit first with breast cancer and then my H's infidelity. Once I surrendered, I stopped feeling so alone. Suddenly I'm not an "outsider" anymore. I'm no longer "different. "Feeling "different," either "less than" or "more than," is a cardinal sign of both codependency and addiction.

One of our Al-Anon readings talks about getting down off the ladder and joining the circle. No one else can make us feel like we belong. We have to accept our status as one of God's children, just like everyone else. Facing breast cancer made me realize that only God really walks with us throughout our lives, but it's possible to share the journey, if not the whole, at least in part, with others such as your good friend who died. People move in and out of our lives for all sorts of reasons, but there are others who will travel beside us waiting around the next bend.

Al-Anon isn't the only place you can find acceptance, but there are people there who truly know and understand your feelings, you only have to reach out to them.

tossedwave:

I've learned that when others aren't around for me..it's because God would like me to spend that time WITH HIM..

Sometimes when I want to share things and nobody is around to talk to..I write an e-mail to myself
or I journal..

I've also been known to sit up at 3 in the morning writing an e-mail about whatever is on my mind, and posting the subject as "just my thoughts" or 'just somethings I'm struggling with" and sending it to a select group of my friends..most will send some type of response--
even if just to say...I hear what you are saying..

and some of them have done the same thing with sent me an e-mail of whatever their thoughts are at that time..whether it be a bible verse God had opened our eyes too..or just about life..and doing that..has also helped me feel connected in some way--as most of my closet friends have moved away--

So maybe you could also try that..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of our Al-Anon readings talks about getting down off the ladder and joining the circle. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LetStry---I bet I get that reading tomorrow morning or real soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No one else can make us feel like we belong </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure I agree, though, that others don't play a part. I have reached out to numerous people lately and to no avail. I seem to be the one who initiates things. I long for someone special to me to call up and ask me how I am, would I like to do something and just spend time with me. I seem to do that to others way more than others do to me. If I waited for someone to call me, I would live a very lonely life. Then I struggle with the fact that I am too deep for people, I am unlikeable, I am this and I am that so I know that God is teaching me more and more how to just rely on Him and not put so much dependence on others. I think we live in a very unconnected society and we have so many things to distract us from social interaction. So I think I suffer this lack of belonging for different reasons---some my fault and some the fault of others.

Thorned---good suggestions. I love to journal and have thousands of volumes. When I die, my kids will either get to know me well or they will have a huge bomb fire.

Thanks for lettinge me get out my thoughts and responding. I know that you both know how I feel cause unfortunately, you too have had so much to deal with.

TW

One more thought---I seem to have a greater need to be spend time with others. I think the greatest complement that you can give another is to enjoy their company and spend time with them. That is one need that I lacked in my M. I NEVER felt like my H wanted to be with me. When we did things, I always felt like he was just appeasing some guilt or just throwing me a bone or that it was duty he had to fulfil on occassion.

I am not sure that this is an accurate assessment of his feelings but that is how I felt.

TW

I like ThornedRose's suggestions. There are definitely times when it's harder to connect with others and these may be times that we're "too deep" as you say, because we need to spend time getting closer to God, as TR suggested.

I've been journalling since I was 18 years old and have probably 40 journals, except for those my STBXH destroyed... his reading of my journals created one of the major "issues" in the demise of our M. At the suggestion of my IC, I started writing daily letters to God. I haven't been doing it lately, but it really helped to focus my thoughts on growth and healing, rather than just sinking into the "poor me" stuff that I could easily fall into at the time.

I agree that others play a part, but Iwhat I was hearing in your posts is that this is an ongoing problem, not just something you're going through at the moment. I believe that if something keeps repeating in my life, I need to look at what I'm doing to create that reality for myself. It's my life and only I can change it, it's no one else's fault.

I think relationships, all relationships, are our primary route to growth and healing. I believe God expresses through us and it is in relationship with others that we really express our true essence. I hope that you find a way to break through the isolation you're feeling.

What we've been through leaves us broken and raw. My H treated me the same way you're describing. I think we need to give ourselves time to heal. Don't expect too much too soon. You sound like you're doing everything you can to reach out and to heal yourself.

LOL...

I had to laugh at your comment about being 'to deep'--

I am the same way...and have been told the same thing..and you know what..I don't think that "I"
am 'to deep'--it's more I think others are more shallow..and this is just my opinion..

But I think it's more they want the same things we do, but are just afraid to make the changes within themselves to get that..

People tend to be afraid to really give of themselves..afraid to open themselves up so others can REALLY get to know them--why?? I feel it's a fear of others knowing THEM as they are deep inside and being rejected..

If someone knew what I was really thinking..they would think I'm weird..or they wouldn't love me--
and I'm finding as a Christian..I want to love like that..and I want others to love me like that
unconditionally--or as the song says "just as I am"--and I feel the only way to learn to love like that..is accepting that my sins...are JUST as bad as the murderer on death row..and the child molester--maybe not by the 'worlds standards' of being 'just as bad' but to God they are..

My fiance' and I were talking about this recently
he'd made a comment about how "looking at others
he doesn't see where he is that out of whack" so I explained to him..that as Christians we're not to compare ourselves to others by the worlds standards..but we are supposed to read what the Bible says..and compare ourselves only to what God says--and when we compare ourselves to that--we fall way short..I also shared that in by doing this we learn compassion for others..because we understand..they are just sinners in need of a Savior..just like us--it's about being real with
ourselves and God about who we are--and many people aren't willing to face that..because then
they would have to acknowledge there is a Heaven
and a Hell, and they need to make a choice..

but in doing that..they think they 'have' to give up so many things..where in reality..we are truly
free from trying to live a life of lies and deception..

Have been "watching" my feelings about not belonging. Getting some insights. More things happened to dampen my self-worth. No contact with sons, being excluded from some friends on a upcoming trip, calling someone who never returned my call, and so forth and so on.

I cried off and on for the weekend. The loneliness just felt like it was gonna swallow me up. The pain was excruitating. I cried, talked to God and read some and the problem seemed to surface. I had not talked to my sons in over a month. Maybe a quick e-mail here and there but I truly missed them both so much. It just magnified the struggle of this new life that has been forced on me.....

I notice that friends and relatives pull away or distance themselves from singe, divorced people. I felt like my sons were pulling away too. I did ask them to make an effort to just stay in contact. I tried to explain how it felt to be so alone but being they are men, they were not real responsive to what I was saying. They did agree to make more of an effort and I am going to arrange some get togethers. I had an open-ended invitation to son and DIL to come for dinner but never got specific about a date. Now I will try to go specific.

What are some of your thoughts about sharing feelings in an e-mail to sons and being specific about how I feel to be separated and living alone?????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it sounds like many of your relationships are superficial...mine were too--and something I have learned over the years--
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am realizing that the people that are distancing themselves are people that are real surface and I really don't really want to be with them. That is freeing!!!!!!!!

Feelings are so mysterious---they swirl around, land us in unwanted places plunging us into deep distress then next day they can totally disappear. That is so mysterious to me

TW