Just wondering if anyone has gone through a separation/divorce around the time they had a new baby, and generally advice on how to cope. My WH started A when my son was 15 mos old and I was 1 mo. pregnant with my daughter. I tried everything I could think of to save my marriage over the period of a year, but our marriage continued to deteriorate until the point where my H was spending most nights at OW's place and stopped bothering to hide it or make excuses. He also stopped speaking to me, except to discuss our children, any mention of our relationship would be met with silence. I finally got the courage to ask him to leave last week. At first I felt only relief, I could sleep at night for a change. But the weekend stretched into an eternity as I struggled with my two kids (daughter now 6 months old, son 2 1/2) and by the end of it I never felt more alone and lonely in my life. Not to mention that I burst into tears every time my son asked "where's my daddy?," about 20 times a day! I don't know how I will bear another saturday night home alone, let alone a whole weekend, let alone a lifetime of them. Any advice would be appreciated.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I went through something similar. I found out about my ex H's affair when I was 4 months pregnant with our 3rd child. Our other two children were 3 and 1. My ex left and came back three times during my pregnancy, and it was a nightmare. I worried about whether I could be a mother to three little ones under 3, and I lost a lot of weight (while pregnant!) and it was just a mess. But somehow God helped me through it. I had the baby without my ex in the room (labor is about the mom, and the last thing I wanted was him in the room, probably calling OW!) and I figured out how to be a single mom to three little ones.

I SO know the feeling of loneliness and being overwhelmed. I remember just praying that I could get through New Year's Eve. It seemed like the longest night of my life. And my 3 year old and 1 year old kept asking where Daddy was and why he left us. That broke my heart in two.

My advice is to let people help you. I hope you have family in the area, or friends you can lean on, or people you know from church. If you don't, join a mom's center group, or a divorce support group, or a single parenting network. Or even a women's bible study, if you attend church. I can promise you that it does get better. My children are now 6,4, and 2, and life is great. I poured myself into my children that first year after he left us. (What choice did I have?) But I concentrated on giving them quality time and doing things we all enjoyed. We stayed busy - going to the park, or the indoor soft climby things at the mall, or hiking. There are ways to do it by yourself with little ones. I hope you have a double stroller! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please let me know if I can help you in any way. I'd be glad to just listen or give you some tips. It is hard, there is no doubt about it. You are going to need some help. When my kids went with their dad for the first time on an overnight, I just about died. I felt so lost and sad. Now I know to use those times they are with him for me time, because I sure don't get it any other time. I can guarantee things will start to look up for you. I made a rule for myself that I couldn't date for 1 year. I wasn't exactly beating off suitors with a stick, so this wasn't too hard. But then I could ignore the "who is going to want a single mom of 3 little ones" thoughts that invaded my head. I just made it not an option, not while I needed to heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Krista

Hi Pearl,

Wish I had some words of wisdom to offer but I don't. Your post struck very close to home for me. DS is 22 months and I love him to death. Every moment I am able to spend with him warms my heart. It was heartbreaking when STBXH first left 2 months ago to hear DS walking through the house saying, "Dada, where are you?" or the day I was putting his shirt on him and when his little head popped out the top of the shirt, he asked, "Dada bye bye?" Now, if he sees a man who is the same height and build as STBXH, if the guy is wearing a baseball cap, DS will say, "Dada?" He even called a family acquaintance whom we saw in church from a distance, "Dada!" As time goes by, if STBXH doesn't come back soon, I am sure DS will lose all memory of him. After all, how much do you remember from when you were 22 months without that memory having been built upon day after day after day. Even now, if DS and I get together with a couple with whom STBXH and I were friends (he was in our wedding party) and see every month or so, he doesn't remember them from one get together to the next.

Meanwhile, OW told me several months ago that children do not need a Dad in their lives on a daily basis...her girls have done just fine seeing their Dad during scheduled visitations. I guess she forgot that her daughters' Dad lives nearby, while STBXH is an ocean apart from his son and cannot feasibly have regular visitation. In essence, she would have STBXH be a once or twice a year visitor instead of a Dad who actively participates in raising his son. To add insult to injury, STBXH's sister told him there is no reason for him to have any contact with me, whatsoever. Excuse me, but we DO have child together and I am the parent with whom that child lives. for that reason, we will have to have continued contact with each other for the next 16 years, at least.

I agree it is very painful and, for my son's sake, I would do just about anything to change the situation.

Regards,

Brit's Brat

<small>[ September 02, 2003, 10:48 PM: Message edited by: Brit's Brat ]</small>

I suppose it helps a little to know that others have survived this situation, even though at the moment that doesn't seem possible! I know it is crazy since my H has treated me so badly for the past one year, but some small part of me still holds out hope that he will change, wake up one morning and become the husband and father that I wanted for my kids. Rationally I know that will never happen, but every day when I come home from work and see that he has taken more of his clothes out of his closet, it is like being punched in the stomach once again. He stopped by briefly over the weekend to take my son out for a few hours and although I should have appreciated the break, I couldn't, it was torture - I can't even imagine how I would survive an overnight visit! I think I need to hear that things will get better eventually because right now I can't even imagine ever being happy again.

I suppose it helps a little to know that others have survived this situation, even though at the moment that doesn't seem possible! I know it is crazy since my H has treated me so badly for the past one year, but some small part of me still holds out hope that he will change, wake up one morning and become the husband and father that I wanted for my kids. Rationally I know that will never happen, but every day when I come home from work and see that he has taken more of his clothes out of his closet, it is like being punched in the stomach once again. He stopped by briefly over the weekend to take my son out for a few hours and although I should have appreciated the break, I couldn't, it was torture - I can't even imagine how I would survive an overnight visit! I think I need to hear that things will get better eventually because right now I can't even imagine ever being happy again.

I know your pain. My x went MIA when son was 3. My son would scream and cry for x. My x once told me that "I was making it all up to make him feel guilty for what was right". That he was right in leaving for OW (plural now) and any talking or trying to make him understand was "forced guilt" by me.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Sometimes you have to sit still and just hug the little ones. When words and actions of the WS don't make sense to them or to us, just open your heart and love them even more. Give them the one thing the WS seem to be incapable of...A huge and open and totally unselfish heart.

My H's newest OW, Family Values, is a piece of work. She's an unwed mom looking for a sugar daddy to raise her own son who's 3. She's a horrid role model and is teaching her own son exactly NOT how to treat a woman one day. Jethro has already been verbally and physically abusive with her and I personally after having spoken to her for over 2 hours, don't feel sorry for her one bit.

Let them go. You have to. Pull back far enough to know that they are being selfish and stupid and crazy, most likely. Learning MB principles, going to counseling and whatnot is all you can do. You are capable of controlling and improving you, we cannot change them. I wish I had learned that sooner.

I am praying for you. Please read LMBT also by Dobson. My x responded only to LMBT principles and plan B. Wish I had been tougher right from the get go and really tough! The longer you tolerate the negative behavior, the more they think they can get away with.

I know your pain. My x went MIA when son was 3. My son would scream and cry for x. My x once told me that "I was making it all up to make him feel guilty for what was right". That he was right in leaving for OW (plural now) and any talking or trying to make him understand was "forced guilt" by me.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Sometimes you have to sit still and just hug the little ones. When words and actions of the WS don't make sense to them or to us, just open your heart and love them even more. Give them the one thing the WS seem to be incapable of...A huge and open and totally unselfish heart.

My H's newest OW, Family Values, is a piece of work. She's an unwed mom looking for a sugar daddy to raise her own son who's 3. She's a horrid role model and is teaching her own son exactly NOT how to treat a woman one day. Jethro has already been verbally and physically abusive with her and I personally after having spoken to her for over 2 hours, don't feel sorry for her one bit.

Let them go. You have to. Pull back far enough to know that they are being selfish and stupid and crazy, most likely. Learning MB principles, going to counseling and whatnot is all you can do. You are capable of controlling and improving you, we cannot change them. I wish I had learned that sooner.

I am praying for you. Please read LMBT also by Dobson. My x responded only to LMBT principles and plan B. Wish I had been tougher right from the get go and really tough! The longer you tolerate the negative behavior, the more they think they can get away with.

I know your pain. My x went MIA when son was 3. My son would scream and cry for x. My x once told me that "I was making it all up to make him feel guilty for what was right". That he was right in leaving for OW (plural now) and any talking or trying to make him understand was "forced guilt" by me.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Sometimes you have to sit still and just hug the little ones. When words and actions of the WS don't make sense to them or to us, just open your heart and love them even more. Give them the one thing the WS seem to be incapable of...A huge and open and totally unselfish heart.

My H's newest OW, Family Values, is a piece of work. She's an unwed mom looking for a sugar daddy to raise her own son who's 3. She's a horrid role model and is teaching her own son exactly NOT how to treat a woman one day. Jethro has already been verbally and physically abusive with her and I personally after having spoken to her for over 2 hours, don't feel sorry for her one bit.

Let them go. You have to. Pull back far enough to know that they are being selfish and stupid and crazy, most likely. Learning MB principles, going to counseling and whatnot is all you can do. You are capable of controlling and improving you, we cannot change them. I wish I had learned that sooner.

I am praying for you. Please read LMBT also by Dobson. My x responded only to LMBT principles and plan B. Wish I had been tougher right from the get go and really tough! The longer you tolerate the negative behavior, the more they think they can get away with.

I haven't posted in awhile but your post really hit home. I have a two year old and my Ex and I separated when our son was eight months old. I am doing well but I can tell that the Divorce is taking it toll on the child. He cries when his father drops him off at my house and vice versa. Major separation anxiety. I am trying to learn how to deal with it but there are times when I see how unhappy my son is that my heart breaks.

Good luck to you!

Pearl, You have a SOUL SISTER!! OMG!

My son was 22 months old and I was 7 months pregnant when I finally told my STBX he had to move out of the house.

He was spending all of his time away. And when he was home he was on the phone in the middle of hte night in the spare bedroom whispering away. I finally had too much.

It has been awfully hard on my son. HE's FINALLY now getting adjusted to this arrangement.

My children are now 5 months old and 2 years and 5 months. I can't say this has been easy. and weekends have felt so lonely since the STBX is not good about seeing/taking his kids.

Last weekend I had a major breakthrough and just forced myself to get out wiht the kids. I went to the mall. Went the movies with both kids! (brave me). And went to the park. Once a week I go to McDonalds (playland) for dinner. Have you been able to venture out at all?

I've been also trying to organize things with other moms with kids my age. All of these things have helped my mood a lot.

It's good to hear from "mom's perspective." My son is now almost 12, as my WH and I are going through the finalities of our divorce. I can still remember the time the 3 of us and the OW met for lunch, 5 years ago, on the premise she might be a good babysitter (she's 48 to my WH 31, mother figure complex) so H and I could have "dates." A year later WH left when the A was revealed, then led a double life for 3 years, finally moved in with her openly 8 months ago. He and OW are pushing and receiving 50% custody - courts see no problem with my son having 2 homes, living at OW's house as much time as the stable home I have provided for him for all this time. The fact that WH lied and verbally/emotionally abused us for years means nothing.
OW is providing free lodging, legal fees, a car, as well as sex to STBX, and "getting his son back for him" - will he love her or use her and leave too?
I really don't care, but I have lost hope that my wonderful, bright son will ever have a normal life. I would love to be a single mother and have his father and OW out of his life entirely. I believe a woman alone can raise a decent boy. It's when they are exposed to chronic infidelity that their morals and values too will get screwed up, and when they are a man, what example will they have for manhood and adult love for a woman? Truly, I hope my son becomes a homosexual, and there are leanings in that direction.
My heart goes out to all of you moms struggling with the "leftovers of a family."