divorce is just about final, I love her deeply and right now marriage isnt what she wants, so I was just wondering if anybody had any suggestions on how I should go about dealoing with this and winning her back?

Well, no expert here but.....Back off and let her find herself. Give her space. Stay in touch a little. Give her a chance to think and realize what is gone. Maybe once in awhile some simple flowers with a simple card. Actions speak louder than words. Be her friend and come over as that. Go to her level.....realizing she doesnt want marriage right now. Doesnt mean she might not want to date and become friends again. BUILD the foundation again. You had it once and she loved you...can be done again one brick at a time. Become a better person. Better man. Let her see that. Figure out what she didnt like about you the first time and work to change them. Just my thoughts,
Alan

Dear Jock,

I suggested under your post in Negotiations about August 8, that you might look into getting some communication skills. You might click on your name, and click on recent posts, and see what others might have posted, and provide the courtesy of a reply, to acknowledge that you read the responses of those who took the trouble to try to make suggestions for you.

Usually our replies will be a little off base, but just give us some corrective info we need to bring our suggestions closer to your reality.

If you are going to start anew thread in a different category, it is also nice to give a reference to where you are going. Most peole care, and try to help, and try to follow up, in a week or two.

Best wishes,

Quipper
married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Wow, that's great advice. I'm struggling with the exact same thing as lonelyjrock.
AlanArthur is actually giving real life excellent advice. She will not come back if you don't prove to her that your a better person. Believe me I'm almost divorced and she keeps saying you have to prove to me that you've changed. It will take time but every opportunity you get try to be upbeat and cordial and she'll see the changes.
It's tough, belive me, very tough but it's a step in the right direction.
My only advantage is we have 2 very small children and there isn't anyone else invovled so that's good news. She hates to be w/o our kids so if she see's genuine changes I don't know why she wouldn't want to start over.
It takes time and it's painful but look ahead vs. behind.
Don't give up. If you love her with unconditional love then you have a great shot. It boils down to her starting to have feelings for you b/c you already have feelings for her.
Good luck and keep posting!

Alan Arthur -As I mistakenly asked on your thread, do you feel that the above advice is helpful if your W is involved with someone else?
NW

I still think it works. Remember- they loved and married you first for a reason. They think life will be great without you. Well, I feel if you change into a better person (probably like you were when courting) then when problems arise between her and the OM then you are in prime postition. They will compare OM to their ex or STBX. So...IF you have the patience and willpower...I think it can and probably has worked for others. Takes a special person though...especially knowing she is with OM.

My ex has had a BF now for a few months. She never had one when we split although she was immediately looking.

i'd like to thank you all for the advice, it really helps to get opinions from people going through the same thing, I;m just going to back off and let her be her own person, and grow , I;m just going to put it in gods hands, I believe its gods will that he wanted us to be apart, because I think it will only make are relationship in the future even better,

lonelyjrock
How do you just sit back? It seems like I'm always calling her or sending her flowers or something. I think it makes her more upset but I can't control myself.
I've really understand why she left and I'm ready to change a million things but I don't think she wants to see those changes now, or maybe it's that she's not ready for anything from me or anybody for that matter.
Like I said before, there isn't a BF or another man, which is good.
Since we have 2 little kids does that give us a better chance at reconciling or working together for a better relationship?
Thanks

mawals actually I ve been praying alot to god, and Ive put it in his hands, because I believe if were meant to be together we will, Ive been doing what you are doing giving gifts etc, Ive regretted the past 5 months because thats what Ive been doing and its pushed her away, she even said that, I just went to her recently and said that I was sorry for the past 5 months, all I was was talk , I;m going to make a stance right now and I;m going to let my actions speak for themself now, I believe my actions will speak for themself, and I;m just going to give her space and let her lead her life, and as I said before I'm putting it in gods hands, let love go and if it comes back it was meant to be

mawals I think the fact you have children is a good thing , I think people tend to reconcile when there are children involved, we dont have children, the only thing I have going for me is we are divorcing as friends, wev dont hate each other , I told her I respect her decision, if this is what she wants right now I respect that, I think to her that means alot that I am not fighting this, she knows I love her , and want to be with her , so for now we are friends still, so hopefully as time goes on she'll maybe want to give me a chance again, I figure its going to take time, babysteps, but I am thinking that it will be so worth it if we do get back together one day