H and I separated almost 2 months ago when I learned he was cheating on me again. The last time this happened (in Jan 2002), we got back together -- with conditions. I believed he was addicted to sex and we also learned later that he suffers from depression. I had told him at that time that this was his last chance -- he's cheated on me "more than I know" (and I know of a lot).

So, he confessed on 7/6/03 and I asked him to leave. He left with no fuss and when I asked him why he did this again he told me that he wasn't happy and he wasn't happy because of me. He's put me through quite a bit of crap since about 7/16/03 when he suspected the OW was cheating on him and wanted to come home. He was committed to a psych center for 5 days, he quit his job, got his job back, screamed, yelled, threw things, and one time grabbed me. Regardless of what he did, I stood my ground and tried very hard not to get pulled into his game. So then on 8/17/03 he took the kids to the beach with the OW (even though I had asked him not to have them around strange women). That was the first time I contacted him. I left 5 angry messages on her answering machine, talked to the people he was supposed to be staying with and learned from them how badly he was behaving and how messed up he was, and finally talked with my SIL who calmed me down. The next day I called him and he was very nasty and verbally abusive. He told me that he would do whatever he wanted to do with the kids. So I sought help through Victim Support -- primarily I wanted a way to protect myself financially and wanted to know if I could file for divorce before the 6 month separation period was up. And keep in mind that he had only seen the kids 4 times during this entire month and 1/2. He came to see ME more than that even! And most of the time we didn't know where he was, he would not contact us for days. So anyway, VSS advised me to file for a Protection from Abuse -- he had threatened to kill himself, and then he assaulted me, who knew what he would do next? So I did. I was awarded the PFA on 8/28.

So things are definitely over between us. He's living with the OW in her public-assisted housing, he's not paying any of the bills I asked him to pay when we split (which total only $500/month), he hasn't paid child support for 3 weeks and I'm not sure if he will before the wage attachment kicks in.

I'm doing mostly okay, but yesterday I got blindsided with this. He went to visit his relatives last weekend and took her with him and they all had a pleasant family BBQ. He and I have been married for 16 years and I thought I was part of that family. I feel so betrayed that they just accepted her because she's his GF. I'm still his WIFE for crying out loud -- neither of us has filed for divorce yet. I know logically that he has every right to take her whereever he wants and his family is all screwed up anyway. But it still HURTS. For some reason it hurts even more than when he took her out with the kids, probably because I understand why the kids were unable to say anything to him, they had no choice. But these people are adults -- is it so hard to just say "Son/Brother/Friend we love you, but she's not welcome here right now?" I know if one of my brothers or sisters did this, I would flip on them. Yes, there's such a thing as family, but there's also such a thing as RESPECT and MORALS.

Sorry for venting, but I'm still pretty upset. And nobody else seems to understand WHY. After all he is their family, not me. I guess what annoys me the most is seeing the dysfunction in action -- he's their family so he can do no wrong. BLAH.

Someone does understand. I do.
My husband insists on taking the kids out with the OW even though I have told him not too and they have told him they don't like her.
So far, his family will not allow her to come around, but I feel betrayed whenver I hear that a friend has been with them.

Hi, I am new here. I really don't fit in on the Recovery Board and I think I am on my way to this one.

I read your post and wanted to comment that I have gone through the same thing in the past. My H had the OW around the kids and even took her to his parents this past Christmas. We were sep. at the time but from Oct-Dec (just before Xmas) I thought we were working toward a recovery. The thing that hurt was that his family welcomed her even though we were still married.

I think it's normal to feel betrayed by friends and family. It just kills me that his family saw nothing wrong with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Serrelinda-

No, you're not alone in your situation. I understand completely. Based on 20 years of history, I thought for sure that my in-laws would offer me some kind of support and validation how I was feeling through all of my d-days and attempts at recovery. I was wrong. Nothing. No support. They will support their daughter no matter what. She will always be their daughter I was told. Even now, as we wait on the final decree from the judge, if I pick up the telephone and its my in-laws calling, I don't even get a "Hi, how are you?" No, I just get, "Can I talk with Mrs. HoFS please?" Don't expect any support from your in-laws. Also, you might not get the kind of support your expect or need from your friends either. Especially if both of you considered others friends.

Please take a deep breath and if you still want to work on your marriage, review the materials on this site. Also check for posts on the EN forum and Just Found Out that give pointers on how to use a MB approach to repair your marriage. Good luck.

HoFS

Serrelinda, Unfortunately, this is par for the course. My in-laws are still friendly with me, but mostly because my STBXH has almost no contact with them and what contact he does have is usually unpleasant as he is always under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

But, last year, while I believed we were still trying to reconcile, my H and the MOW stayed with my IL's in their home, and they lied to me about it. I was extremely hurt, but I'm over it. I no longer have expectations of them and maintain only minimal contact.

My MIL has recently entered an Alzheimer's care unit and my FIL is struggling, so I feel some compassion for them. My SIL hates her B, my STBXH, because of longstanding sibling rivalry as well as recent abusive behavior from my STBXH toward my SIL.

My H also brought the kids around the OW and was angry and accused them of "snitching" when they told me about that and the drugs and alcohol he used in front of them. I have a 3-year restraining order and haven't had any contact for over a year. It's been much more peaceful!

I care and I too know exactly how you feel. I was married for 26 years and took care of both of his parents health needs at various times. I was the only one who would sit and feed my FIL when he was dying. I rescued their son numerous times from drug overdoses..including managing a seizure crisis while H was driving on Thanksgiving day, stopping car..and delivering artificial respiration.......and................

his family has welcomed OW into their family big time. They dont even bother with my kids but they seem to be going gaga over OW's

but anyway....this will probably not even been the worst of the insults you will endure, but you have to remember that God is in control and he has a plan..even when we cant see it. You will get thru it! I used to think that God thought I was stronger than I was...

How could I presume to know what God was thinking. It has been just about 1 year since my X left our family, home and 4 children..not to mention the spiritual life that he was pretending to live. When I stopped questioning God and started thanking him for geting me thru each day I became much happier..my family is so much stronger.

guess what...X is not happy and his children dont want anything to do with him or his girlfriend. My kids seem to be older than yours and can make that choice on their own.

Keep your chin up..when the hurts start to take over..pray and then pary harder..then find something to do for yourself or your kids. Take them to the zoo..have an inpromptu party for no reason..take a bubble bath. Take care of you and your kids..let God take care of your X

Smiles,
Dawn

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 11:02 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

Welcome to MB, Serrelinda.

It sounds like you've been through so much in your marriage, and so much lately!!!

I found this place about a year ago, and it's been a haven. I think often that only people who've gone through this 'stuff' can begin to understand the pain and misery of a marriage ending, and the pain of infidelity for all.

You know, I was the WS. I separated from my now exH and my family learned of exOM after I'd been separated several months. My parents were willing to meet him about six months after I separated, but I know they weren't exactly thrilled with it. My children met him after exH filed for divorce, and that was after about 13 months of separation. My siblings refused to meet him. I understood how they felt although after we'd been separated almost two years and the divorce was almost final they did 'cave in' and meet him.

You know what Serrelinda? I'm now very embarrassed and ashamed that I included exOM in ANYTHING. Thank God I ended it with him, and my family has thankfully never again mentioned the exOM to me. I think they see it as a sort of 'nervous breakdown' on my part. (the affair, and the mess I made in my life)

As of yet I haven't been able to restore my marriage, but at least I have a family that's forgiven me and not held this horrible chapter in my life against me!

I'm telling you all this as I'm seeing it from, or trying to...see it from the perspective of your in-laws. I'm sure they know how odd your hubby's behavior is. They probably don't know WHAT to do. I wish that some had refused to participate in the event, but they didn't know what to do, I suppose.

One Christmas (15 months after separation) there was only a small group at my parents' house as many boycotted the event as I brought exOM. Again, Serrelinda, I now feel nothing but utter shame that this happened.

Here's my thought. I'd always been a level-headed, moral sort of person BEFORE I had the affair. Yet the affair caused me to lose touch with reality in a sense, and not think clearly. If a level headed person can go in this way, it makes one shudder to think what direction a less stable person can go to during an affair.

I would bet, in the end, that your inlaws were afraid that if they didn't accept your H and this OW in their home, he might do something desperate or even more harmful to everyone. Could that be the case? Does he have a history of unstable behavior, etc?

But back to you. I can't imagine the pain you feel . I do know that I felt pain when family members included my H at events, but not me--even WITHOUT the OM. But in my case, I was the wrongdoer, so I'd earned this consequence. You've done nothing, so it's especially sad that you've been treated this way.

Try to look at it as their weakness, and know that it's nothing against you, per se. They're weak people who didn't want to stand up for what's right. I wish my parents had refused to include OM at their functions, but I think they saw the sort of mental state I was in during the affair and they were afraid in a way of me becoming more off balanced. Does that make sense?

Treat yourself the best you can, Serrelinda. In time things will get calmer for you. It sounds like you know what's best for you.

If you ever have a pressing issue, you might get a faster response on General Questions II on this MB board. You can mark your subject "Urgent". There's more traffic there on GQ II.

Many here at MB have marriages that have survived multiple affairs, but only you know if you'd ever wish to consider working it out with your husband. I'm saying this only as you said no one has filed for divorce yet.

Take care and let us know what's happening with all of this,
H_P

Married '81, three children
Started A in 1998
Separated 2000
Ended A 2002
Divorced 2002,
Still hoping for reconciliation
Summer 2003-ExH 'considering' reconciliation

<small>[ September 07, 2003, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

I never got along with my ex inlaws. They were intrusive and overbearing but I allowed them to stay with us and didn't object to paying ex FIL's medical bills when he got diagnosed with cancer. Actually my ex FIL was staying with us when we figured out that my ex was having an affair. Guess what the ex FIL told me "Why are you surprised? All men do this, your father left your mom for another woman (he did), I had numerous affairs throughout my 43 year marriage. My son is a man, men do this. Don't take it personally" A few days afterwards my ex moved in with the OW and my Ex FIL accepted her with open arms. When it was time for him to leave the OW drove him to the airport for crying out loud.
Also later on my ex SIL physically assaulted me when I took my daughter to my ex inlaws' house to spend part of the summer vacation per our custody arrangement. She just came out of nowhere and hit me when I was telling my ex MIL what to feed my daughter.
Although this is hurtful, it is not surprising. We shouldn't expext more from the psychopaths that raised our miserable exes.

Oh Serrelinda as you can see there are those who do understand!

I also had what I thought was a wonderful relationship with my WH family. But after D-day his mother turned on me with a vengence and blamed his affair and his unhappiness to be all my fault, and the rest of his family has chosen to ignore me completely.

I never expected them to disown him or to necessarily take my side but I certainly didn't expect to be treated as if I never existed.

But as you can see from the responses you have gotten here, it is a fairly common thing these familes do and we have to learn not to take it personally and know that in some ways they are as mixed up as their children are.

But most of all I want you to know that I as well as many others do understand how your inlaws actions hurt you. It isn't right and it isn't fair, but it's a fact of life and something we just have to learn to live with.

God Bless You!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hopeful_Person Wrote:Try to look at it as their weakness, and know that it's nothing against you, per se. They're weak people who didn't want to stand up for what's right. I wish my parents had refused to include OM at their functions, but I think they saw the sort of mental state I was in during the affair and they were afraid in a way of me becoming more off balanced. Does that make sense?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I personally would like to thank you for sharing your personal experience and your insight as a former WS. Your post helped me understand things a lot better about my WS and his family.

Susan,
(One Day at a time)

I'm glad that my thoughts helped you a bit. To me nothing good came of this whole experience in my life, except that at times I've been able to help BSs here at MB see how their WSs might feel.

Hopeful

Hopeful_person thank you for your response and yes you did help me enormously just with that one post of yours. I intend to go back and read as many of your other posts as I can because I believe you can help me understand and accept what my WS has put me through.

But I wanted you to know that I admire you for your courage to admit you were wrong and I hope your ex will see the changes in you and give you another chance as I truly do believe you deserve it!

My apologies to Serrelinda for hijacking her thread, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> it was not my intention and I only hope the hopeful_person's post helped you as much as it did me.

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm actually not new to MB -- I found the site in Jan '02 when H and I separated. And frankly, the concepts blew me away with how totally common sense they are and the people on the message boards are wonderful and so helpful. I read SAA and I tried to introduce the concepts to my H, but seeing how he's a sex addict it didn't work very well (every time he wanted me to do something it suddenly became a "need" which I then had to fulfill to make him happy.)

I had posted messages on my co-addict support groups, but most of the responses were "it's not about you". Which, frankly, didn't help me with the agony and anger I was feeling. I knew, though, the people here would truly understand because many of you have deal with the brain-fog.

I had a wonderful, relaxing weekend with my family. I got to spend some real quality time with my children and my sister and we had a lot of fun. I hadn't wanted to go becuase I was worried my upset about my in-laws behavior would prevent me from having a good time. But when I went to bed on Friday night, I prayed to my Higher Power that I could just let it go and enjoy the moment. Amazing how well that works!

I had expected a message from H (he hadn't yet made the weekly call he is allowed), but no. He hasn't seen the kids for 3 weeks and hasn't talked to them for over a week. This upsets me also. But it is easier to accept because he was not a very good father and is very selfish anyway. I'm really more upset for the kids than myself, though. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't allow any contact -- I crave it, but I know how bad it is for me. Now with that one phone call he gets a week, my heart races every time the phone rings, hoping and dreading it will be him.