Hi Ruby,
You're right, I didn't reply to all you said in the other post as I didn't want to 'hijack' Startin Over's thread. Thanks for your interest in my situation!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "what has really changed if anything about him. If you got back with him would he satisfy all of your needs so that you wouldn't need to have another affair?"

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ruby, I've thought about this naturally. The affair was about me, not about him. People who have affairs are selfish, don't you think? I started it when I was virtually unemployed, and working way below my own potential. My brother had recently died, and I was very depressed. My exH worked hideous hours, and I never spent time with him. It was, I feel, a midlife crisis, although I know that trivializes it. By the way, exH now works the same hours as me, and he's learned a lot from being alone. He's shared that with me. He now says he'd be willing to tell me with more honesty how he feels.

Have you read Harley's books? Don't you believe that any marriage can recover from infidelity? They're excellent resources and I've learned much.

In my situation,I was immature, and needy in a way I certainly am not now. Reaching goals in my professional life has helped me much in getting more self esteem and not looking for it in some outside source. I've also connected more with the Lord, and rededicated my life to Him. Being all alone this past 14 months has taught me much. Being separated from exH these past three years has taught me even more.

Beyond that, I learned the hard way much about myself and my exH. I learned too late what I had in him, and what an idiot I was. He's a wonderful man, and I think he accepts that I 'lost my head' for awhile. People do mess up, Ruby.

I respect how you feel in light of whatever you've gone through, Ruby. On the other hand, I've seen many marriages survive infidelity. It can be done.

I get the feeling you don't think anyone is wise to stay with a person who's cheated. You're entitled to your opinion, of course. It's certainly counter to what this website is all about, but it's good you're here to express how you feel.

I'm sorry if this post sounds disjointed, I don't have time to edit it.

Take care ,
Hopeful

Hopeful
It sounds like you had an affair because you were emotionally abandoned by your ex. You were lonely and needed a human connection. Due to your low self esteem at the time you probably needed to be reminded that you were worth loving and spending time with.
The question is what will happen with your ex if you return to him now. Have both of you changed so much that you will not fall into the same vicious cycle?
I do believe some marriages can be salvaged. God knows I tried very hard to salvage mine. I stayed with a man that was emotionally unavailable for a decade. He belittled me every chance he got and then at the end he cheated as well. As far as I know this happened only once but afterwards I completely lost my trust in him. Now I don't believe 90% of what he tells me about any subject.
Basically I believe that relationships end due to developing incompatability. You get to a point where both parties feel lonely and lost. As a result one or both spouses may have an affair. I believe affairs are results of dead relationships rather than the reason a relationship dies. It's just that once this happens the betrayed spouse loses their trust in the other so completely that it is very hard to recover from. Is it worth even to try?

thanks, Ruby.

I just wrote out a long reply to your reply, and I lost it. Isn't that annoying! I'll rewrite sometime later, probably tomorrow.

I appreciate your great thoughts and questions.

take care,
HP