For me, it was.....
We had talked early in our marriage about how we would handle it if one of us had an A. He said he thought he could get past it, but I always said that that would be it for me.
Dday, he called me from his cell phone parked a few blocks from the house because he thought he wouldn't be coming home. I told him to get home so we could get things figured out, and that we could get past it.
Then a month of continually finding out things were worse than he had admitted - every time, me telling him to tell me everything, because every time I found out he had lied again, it made it worse. That to me, the lying was worse than the affair.
Then Christmas, where he tried to stay home and send me alone to visit my family for a week, saying he thought that was the best way for him to work on "us." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> When I refused, he eventually went with, telling me while we were gone that he had planned to leave me while I was gone. We ended the trip with him promising to go to counseling and end the A.
For a month, we went to a minister at our church who is also MC, while he moped around, refused to do any of the stuff we were supposed to do, and generally made us both miserable. And then he moved out to be with her.
Two days later, he wanted to come home. I said no, but said I was STILL willing to work on the marriage, but that he had to go NC, and go to MC. I even made arrangements for places for him to live.
Over the next couple of months I found out (on my own - he didn't tell me) that a)he didn't meet her at work like he'd told me, he met her through personals, and that he'd been doing the personals for at least a year or two before he met her, and that she likely wasn't the first, and b)that he had NEVER quit living with her, and had been lying to both me and our MC for months, saying he was really working on things, and that he wasn't in contact with her.
Oh, and somewhere in there, I also found out that he had not intended to tell me, the only reason he told me is because she was going to, and he was beating her to it. I honestly believe that his goal was to get things back to what they were before - him living with me, and with me PAYING for everything and indulging his love of gadgets and toys (which I had been doing for years) while he used the money he made (not quite as much as I made, but not significantly less either) to run around with other women behind my back.
In all this, he tried to act very sorry at times, but I think his only real remorse was that he got caught. Not too long ago, he was putting personals out again - so he's already working on cheating on her.
I decided that I could be like a lot of women I've known who tolerate this behavior for years, insisting every time that he's changed, and live through this pain continually for perhaps the rest of my life, or I could cut my losses now.
And believe me, I'm someone who never, ever thought she would get divorced. I just didn't believe in it - we used to joke all the time that we were "stuck" with each other, because marriage was a one-time thing. But someone who could use me so callously, and lie about so many things (frequently even things that really didn't matter,) and who could write me a love poem which he put on a handmade card for Valentine's Day, talking about how sorry he was for the hurt he caused me, and how he wished he could take it all away, while he was still living with her..... and who could be so careless about MY life (he didn't use protection, and was with me after being with her).... this is not someone I will EVER be able to trust again.
Being alone would be better than that.
Wow, that turned into more of a vent than I'd intended. Those little rants are getting fewer and further between all the time, but they still pop out from time to time.
At any rate, I still hope he can change his life and come back to God. I am a Christian, very active in my church, and so was he..... (though can you believe, he brought her to church twice before DDay; once when I was there, and once when I was out of town. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) I have taken to praying for him.... both of them actually.... whenever I start having angry or vengeful thoughts about him. So he's been receiving a whole lot of prayers that start out "God, You know I won't mean these things eventually, and I'm working on it, so please ignore these thoughts while I work on getting my anger under control...." I do want him to get his life back on the right track, I sincerely hope he does. But even if he does, it can't be with me.
