I've been reading this morning about how some of you want to be kissed, hugged, or whatever, and how you are missing those parts of being married - some of you didn't have them. (Me either - and I want those things too.)

But, I was thinking...

What are you doing about LIVING???

For me - the rutt of work, kids, home, yard, car care, and meetings is overwhelming sometimes. So, I've found that I do better if I set goals, and make plans into the future that have something positive to influence my life.

Friends are a necessary part of this 'overcoming' the loneliness stuff. Do you have friends? If you do have, then plan get togethers and events with them. BBQ's, Christmas parties, holidays, events that will get you back out into the LIFE.

Fill up your calendar with events that will keep you occupied and out in public. If you prefer quieter events, plan an evening at the library, take a class, or take one friend fishing. But get some plans on the calendar. Don't forget to put down any kid activities you have, and work around those events, but keep your calendar full.

PLAN down time - and decide what you will do. You need a chance to relax - so do it - but don't be sitting there whining in your tea cup because you are bored and sad.

My favorite time is early morning - so I catch the sunrise almost every day - with a cup of coffee on the deck. I love the birds and the freshness. This is my time. I relax and just enjoy the day - let my mind run free - say a prayer and think about my life - if it isn't what I want - I change it.

Find your center (mine is GOD) and focus on your life. It helps if you have some goals to work toward, and if one of those is meeting someone to share life with - then you need to be where the people are so you can MEET someone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Journalling helps too -- you can write down your feelings and look back over it to see what you need to change and what you may want to include as goals.

Hugs,

Jan

I agree...God, kids, friends, journaling a good hot cup of coffee watching the sunrise..

Maybe a picnic in the park on a fall afternoon

hmmmm...need to start making some more plans..

I spent the first year of separation very much a recluse. I'm a married woman without a marriage, but that doesn't quite make me single. Yet. I felt a need to recover a bit before circulating very much. Now I'm searching for an atty. I want papers filed asap. I'm ready. I think of that movie the great escape. Careful planning, tunnelling, keeping a low profile, all building up to the moment where they break into the clearing and run for their lives.

I'm taking a class, making new friends, fixing dinners for guests on occasion, putting effort into existing friendships, keeping some friends, drifting from others, loving the cats who adopted me, getting involved in volunteer work that puts me in contact with new people.

My future seems so uncertain, I've had difficulty in setting goals. I've struggled so long with feeling uncertain about my 'higher purpose' in this world, wondering why am I here, what should I do. Reading about goals one time, the material said to have the destination in mind from the get go and imagine the steps that will take you there. I don't know where I'm headed! That approach doesn't seem to work for me, and I feel like I'm at a huge intersection not knowing which way to go. It doesn't put me in a position to be ready for a new relationship (after the divorce that is). That is a place I'd like to be, but I'm a bit stymied in how to proceed.

Do you have a recipe for goal setting? It's definitely an area that I need to improve.

I began going to a separated/divorced support group 6 weeks post separation, and met many wonderful friends.
From that, I now have a network of single mother friends who I see at least weekly, and the kids get along great.
I am doing great in my recovery and have been blessed to have met so many great people through this crisis.

lh-

my secret to goal setting is write it down.

then after you've got it written down - break it into parts that you can do - on a daily weekly - monthly basis and plan when you will do them - put that time in you planner.

For instance: meet new people.

* Go to church
* attend social functions at church
* invite a friend to dinner
(include couples in this -- make sure they have kids /same age - and invite a couple of couples over.)
* have a party
(invite a mixture of singles/couples - and a variety of ages)

Write it in your schedule.

Jan

Living... LOL. Here's what I did:
- Did NOT get cable TV. Someday, I knew I'd want to start dating again and when people asked me, "Eric, what did you do over the weekend?" I wanted to be able to say ANYTHING other than TV stuff.
- Read a lot of books.
- Did NOT play computer games. For same reason as TV.
- Did get and listen to lots of music and go to concerts.
- Did actively seek out advice, suggestions, and self-help material on dating. And, then tried it out.
- Did invite friends over for dinner and to do things as their family life allowed.
- Did go and see lots of new movies (some several times) in theaters.
- Did pick up new interests and activities that would keep me OUTSIDE and ACTIVE: snowboarding, hiking, and offroading.
- Did watch a lot of movies my x disapproved of - like vampire movies. LOL.

Basically, I tried to re-create myself and do some things (new and old favorites) I've always wanted to do or hadn't done in a while.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sj *trouble*:
<strong>I've been reading this morning about how some of you want to be kissed, hugged, or whatever, and how you are missing those parts of being married - some of you didn't have them. (Me either - and I want those things too.)

But, I was thinking...

What are you doing about LIVING???</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I HAVE been living! I have done all that you all do to fill my time with good activities and events. After the first two years, where I really gave myself time to grieve, I have picked myself up and gone on with creating a meaningful life for myself.

I love my life and I choose activities that make me happy and do good for others if I can, and do them with good intent and purpose.

HOWEVER....there is a longing inside me that no activies, no friend, no plans can fill. It is a place for a soulmate and only a soulmate can fill it. I think that is what was being expressed in the other thread, even tho it mentioned hugs, kisses and sex. (Yes, of course, those things are all a part of it.)

You know, I think that it depends on where you are in the recovery process as to what your given needs are. One place isn't better than any other, and you may even jump back and forth.

But the need and longing for that one other person to share your life with is real and I think it's healthy to express it. Maybe it can get outta hand when it becomes desparation or you get too focused on it. But keeping the balance between LIVING, GIVING and LONGING is probably important.

As for me, I went thru a horrible weekend acutely feeling this longing and intense loneliness. I do pretty good on my own and hardly ever get into a pity-party state of mind. But, oh my gosh, last weekend was bad and I'm still feeling it somewhat (and I'm not even PMSing!).

I just prayed, cried and turned it over to God the best I could because it was almost like a physical reaction. I cried at everything and in church Sunday, I was a basket case. Not many people can understand, unless you've been there.

I am however, grateful for my life and for all the blessings I have. I have good home, good friends, am healthy and know that God has plans for my life....it's not over yet, even tho it feels like my best days are behind me at time.

Just wanted to add this.....thanks!

¸.·´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·-:¦:- Aloha, Ms. O -:¦:-

I used to be my biggest mess at church. Maybe it was because I felt closer to God there. I wasn't alone. Don't know. But it's always been a place where I cry when upset. Not from stuff that happens there but from stuff I bring with me.

I have no cable. No games on my computer - to speak of. Don't go searching for games.

I go to work. Do a powerpoint presentation that involves taking two newsletters and pulling things out of them, finding graphics, and doing visual presentation of announcements for church. This usually takes several hours of my weekend because it has to be emailed to someone who has to download it and take it to church on diskette because I get there after he does.

And I have these 2 children who are with me one night of every weekend.

I help coach a soccer team which takes one evening and one afternoon.

My house is a wreck so I don't want anyone to come over. Like I have time to clean house.

And I talk to the diplomat on the phone almost every night.

I've taken classes. I got 45 semester hour in photography and met two men who were interested in me. Both were gross. One was 20 years younger than me and the other had long fingernails, smoked, and looked pregnant. I took a class in foil/fencing. A software class. I've been on the PTA board of directors. Done lots of stuff. I go to the symphony regularly.

But I have no social life. I think I am doing something wrong.

I haven't posted in a very long time but I do visit this site daily for inspiration and support. It will be 2 years in December that my D was final. I just had to respond to this discussion.

Everyone is different when it comes to living life single. I have learned to live my life single, something I never had done as I married at 19, and boy was I scared. I have become independent and enjoy it very much.

I have 2 young boys and mainly they are my life. They occupy most of my time. I try to get out with my friends but they have their lives too. I have hobbies that one day soon I hope to be able to get back into but my children are top priority and things have been so hectic. When my boys go to their father's for their weekend this is my time to kick back and relax. Sometimes I go out, sometimes I don't. I use this time to refocus and refresh.

I am not a very social person and keep to myself mostly. But, I have really started to open up and become a different person and I like it. When I want to go out, I go out and vice versa. I lost quite a few friends after the divorce but that is their loss. I have moved on. I spend a lot more time with my family as my ex did everything in his power to keep me away from them. I go to some events but not very often. I have finally become comfortable with myself and being by myself and I am happy.

I also look at my future when my boys will be grown up and moved out and I see a full life with my interests taking priority and lots of time to fulfill them. I feel good about it and I feel good about my life today.

Kathy

I haven't posted in a very long time but I do visit this site daily for inspiration and support. It will be 2 years in December that my D was final. I just had to respond to this discussion.

Everyone is different when it comes to living life single. I have learned to live my life single, something I never had done as I married at 19, and boy was I scared. I have become independent and enjoy it very much.

I have 2 young boys and mainly they are my life. They occupy most of my time. I try to get out with my friends but they have their lives too. I have hobbies that one day soon I hope to be able to get back into but my children are top priority and things have been so hectic. When my boys go to their father's for their weekend this is my time to kick back and relax. Sometimes I go out, sometimes I don't. I use this time to refocus and refresh.

I am not a very social person and keep to myself mostly. But, I have really started to open up and become a different person and I like it. When I want to go out, I go out and vice versa. I lost quite a few friends after the divorce but that is their loss. I have moved on. I spend a lot more time with my family as my ex did everything in his power to keep me away from them. I go to some events but not very often. I have finally become comfortable with myself and being by myself and I am happy.

I also look at my future when my boys will be grown up and moved out and I see a full life with my interests taking priority and lots of time to fulfill them. I feel good about it and I feel good about my life today.

Kathy

Oh dear ----

I hope no one thought I was impressing my life as the 'perfect model'... I simply wanted to offer suggestions and get ideas from others.

Not all of us can or should do the same kinds of things.....

Learning to love living is a different trail for each person on the walk path...

Hugs,

Jan