To start with, I am a Co-dependent. I have managed to push my wife away to the point that she has filed for divorce. I do not want this divorce and am willing to do anything to revive this marriage. I received the papers on September the 11th. Can you believe that? Well, we have already had the initial hearing for custody and child support. She entered into the arbitration marriage counceling, which I am all for, but I keep getting conflicting words and actions. I know it is said that actions speak louder than words, but I am scared to "let down my guard".
I am for the most part confused, but hopeful. Help!!!!!

ALvnHubby:

So what have you done to try and win her back??

How have you changed your behaviors? how have you grown as a husband?

And there are actually MANY men on this board who do not WANT to get divorced...so it comes as no surprise..

Why did she leave to begin with?? I don't know your story..so if you can share a little bit about it..maybe we can help..

I have changed in many ways now.

First of all, this fight/ divorce has made me realize that I had a problem. I have looked for help and am on the track to getting right.

Second, I have backed off. I have allowed her the space that she requested. (Although, I did not do it at the first of the dispute).

There has been a lot of problems and hurtful things said since the beginning. It would be hard to explain them all. So I simply give them as I go.

Thanks for the reply...I need all I can get!!

A Luvin Hubby,

We really need more info. What kind of problem are you setting right? Drugs? Alcohol? Abuse? Infidelity? Pornography? It's important to come clean here if you want solid advice. Otherwise, everything you get is skewed.

What kind of things were said? Sometimes letting go only means shelving them for a later date.

What are the reasons she gave you?

And what exactly do you mean by co-dependent? Do you mean your wife has an addiction? Or are you using it losely to mean that you tried to control her through smoothering? Or even something else?

And what have you read here and elsewhere? We don't want to regurgitate information or direct you somewhere you've been before.

I hope you are ready for a big spill....
It started with her addiction to narcotics. She is a nurse and so am I. She come to me one morning around two AM and woke me from a deep slumber to tell me. At first I thought she was kidding, but little did I know she was VERY serious. She finished her course of rehab and moved on to her meetings that she must attend to keep her nursing license. (she is protected under the peer group that we have here in the State of Tennessee). That is just one of the many meetings that she has to attend.
During the course of this "clean up" she starts to question our relationship. And I can honestly say that it has been for the most part pretty rough. We have had many good times throughout the relationship, but I pulled away unconciously after the problems with drugs began.

Dear Al,

I have to say I don't find it "shocking" in the least that you want to save your marriage. We have hundreds of male members who want the same. I don't understand why you'd think it would be a shocking thing for a husband, as opposed to a wife, to want to save his marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I do wish you luck and would suggest you read as much as you can on this site. It has helped so many marriages.

God Bless,
Jo

She knew then that there was a problem. So she tested the relationship in order to find out if it was her that was causing the problems. She took off early one evening when she was at work to come home to me. Well, my problem with Co-dependency was at full blast. She dressed up real nice in a "bedtime" outfit for a little action. Me, I had worked all day from 6 AM (at this time it was 9 PM) I was not impressed and she was hurt from my actions. It is the disease and I have it bad.

We have been from one extreme to the other with me. I have mentally manipulated, verbally lashed out, and by body language turned my wife off to me. She stated that she was repulsed to look at me and she could not say that she loves me nor has ever loved me the whole six years that we have been married. She was speaking out of anger, that I am sure. We have said some nasty things to each other during the course of this dispute that has lead to her serving the papers on me for divorce. She asked me to leave, I wouldn't. I have been through a divorce before and the attorney told me that would be considered abandonment of the kids and property. So I refused to go, but mainly for preserving my family. I did not want it to be over. Then she tried to leave. I would not let her take the kids. Then to the big D. She said that was the only way to get me out of the house so that she could have the room to think. I being the Co-dependent that I am tried to manipulate her every chance I got. I know this site bashes the Co-dependecy move, but I don't think he meant it for me and my problem. I am controlling, angry, depressed, a manipulator, and quiet frankly, I don't know what I am. So, I can see why my wife felt the way she did. TRAPPED!!!!!

We have been from one extreme to the other with me. I have mentally manipulated, verbally lashed out, and by body language turned my wife off to me. She stated that she was repulsed to look at me and she could not say that she loves me nor has ever loved me the whole six years that we have been married. She was speaking out of anger, that I am sure. We have said some nasty things to each other during the course of this dispute that has lead to her serving the papers on me for divorce. She asked me to leave, I wouldn't. I have been through a divorce before and the attorney told me that would be considered abandonment of the kids and property. So I refused to go, but mainly for preserving my family. I did not want it to be over. Then she tried to leave. I would not let her take the kids. Then to the big D. She said that was the only way to get me out of the house so that she could have the room to think. I being the Co-dependent that I am tried to manipulate her every chance I got. I know this site bashes the Co-dependecy move, but I don't think he meant it for me and my problem. I am controlling, angry, depressed, a manipulator, and quiet frankly, I don't know what I am. So, I can see why my wife felt the way she did. TRAPPED!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

ALH,

Harley does not bash true co-dependency in the strict sense of being co-dependent on an addiction. So far I haven’t seen you as being co-dependent in that sense. But, I have little knowledge of all that is involved besides enabling the addiction.

And you do not sound like an enabler.

Are you in therapy? If not, I gently suggest a good psychiatrist. And let him/her suggest a good anger management group. Happy Husband has a good point when he says that fear drives our most destructive behaviors. Somewhere, there is probably a fear. And while you’re setting up that stuff, go buy Love Busters. The first step is eliminating all that nasty behavior pronto.

Now here’s the hard part. Are you willing to risk getting the short end of the stick in a settlement in order to try and save your marriage? If you answer no, listen to your lawyer. If you answer yes, you need to come to an agreement with your wife about your living situation.

She wants a separation. She now has moved to divorce in order to separate. Maybe she’d be willing to table the divorce for a finite period, if you move out. You can negotiate child custody and support. Get it all in writing including that she agrees that if you move out you are not abandoning her, the home or your children.

Also, go get the book Should I Stay or Should I Go? How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, by Lee Raffel. She does phone counseling as well. I spoke with her once and was extremely impressed with her diagnostic skills. We can talk more about that via e-mail if you’re interested, and I can give you a fuller account of why I recommend her in your situation.

I hope this helps.

Update, please.

I'm thinking of you.

Green,

I have traded to receive the short end of the stick. I have given all of my income except for $100.00 a month and am now living with a friend which I work with in order to make this work. It is so hard to live on this little and I find it hard to go on for the endless months in which this could lead.
I dearly love my wife, but she seems to be taking advantage of this situation. She has no concience to what I have given. I know it has been hard on her for these many months, but I no more want to be this way (Codependent). I am Codependent. I fit all except for 18 f the 250-260 classifications/ signs/ symptoms. I have been seeing a councelor for the past few weeks and she is the one that has diagnosed my problem. I have read all of the s&s/ classification and I can relate much of my life to these characteristics. I have pushed her away and want her back so much. (not the codependent talking). She is everything that I have wanted in a partner. She is intelligent, knowledgable, BEAUTIFUL, creative, and to a sense, like me before I developed into this creature. I could be so good if I could get over this problem. It is so hard to beat this mind set. Say prayers for me and mine.

I am having thoughts that go through my mind while I am away from my wife. I see her having a "wonderful" time while I am gone. What gives? I am in turmoil here and want so bad to go back home...my home to my kids and most of all to my wife.

ALH,

Hugs to you.

Okay, I'll take you at your word. Now, for some practical advice.

You need to protect yourself somewhat here. Why are you only keep $100? In the event she does divorce you, you'll need more than that to provide a home for your children.

Also, just a word to the wise. This forum is mostly hurting lay people. When in doubt follow your counselor's advice.

My guess is your going to have to work your way out of the codependency first. Then, you can work at getting your wife back. That's the only way.

What does your therapist say? It would seem to me that you need to let go, hard as this is for co-depends. If she's there when you heal, so much the better.

From the point of view of someone who filed divorce... I would not holt the divorce process now. My husband would have to be in counseling for at least a year and show serious change before I would even consider it. I believe my h suffers from Passive/Aggressive Personality Disorder. Just a guess, as he won't go to counseling even for his depression.

I hate people throwing around disorders and illnesses to label their spouses' behaviors as unhealthy. However, sometimes, some people really do have something that interferes with their ability to function. My H. does, and it's not just in our marriage, but throughout his whole life.

Anyway, your wife may be at the same point I am. I would suggest giving her room. Lots of room. But also make sure you have enough money to pay for what you need including the counseling.

In time you may want to offer her access to your counselor if understanding your problem would be helpful to her own healing. Note: this is not a way to trick her into taking you back.

I also recommend Bryn Collins book Emotional Unavailability. It's an excellent book for lay people. Dr. Collins has an interesting approach to co-dependency in it. And brings over all understanding to why somepeople are emotionally unavailable and what they can do about it.

I am so confused about her intentions. She tells me one thing and does something else. She hates me one minute and the next she is wearing her wedding band and engagement ring. She is now after this weekend talking to me again. I am SO CONFUSED!!!!

Of course you're confused. She's sending mixed signals. And that's a good thing because it means she's confused. She's being torn in a bunch of directions.

As I see it, your job is to stay completely focused on healing your co-dependency.

It's an emotional rollercoaster ride when one minute your beloved is speaking to you and the next you can only talk to her through her attorney.

BUT, you mustn't allow your emotions to rule the day. Feel them, but don't act on them. Instead follow her lead in intimacy, but always be a little behind her. In other words, give her a little more room than she asks for. If she says maybe we could talk this weekend, don't just jump on it. All it means is she's thinking of talking.

Does this seem to fit?

Yeah I guess that makes sense.
MY problem is trying to get this darn Co-dependency undercontrol. I seem to get in such panic situations without any real panic prompt.
The disease you know!
I wish I could convince myself to just relax an take a "chill pill". But that is much easier said than done.
Pray for me...Please.

ALH,

I'm holding you in the Light. A Quaker kind of praying for you.

Are you having real panic attacks? My sister suffered from those for two years. She went to hospital 3 times!

Here's what I suggest... Yoga. Now it works for me. I've been practicing for 4 years now. Forget all teh power stuff.

Why I suggest yoga is it helps to relax, it disciplines to mind, and provides a connection with the Universal Energy (God). Plus, yoga people are incrediably understanding and empathetic.

Experienced yogis and yoginis understand that we all have challenges to work through in our own way and time. And all honor the Light within each other.

It's a safe place to release tension and reconnect with the Divine as well as learn to discipline your mind.

Also, there's a yoga for everyone.

And in case this is an objection, there are no more gay men involved in yoga than there are in the real world. Most men are stressed out over 40's.

Just a Thought.

(I practice Kali Ray TriYoga, myself.)