I have an appointment with a lawyer on Wednesday. What should I expect from this first meeting? I asked the secretary on the phone if I should bring any paperwork with me and all she said was "if you want to...". Okayyyyy!

Please, if anyone can give me a rundown of what we will cover, it would help me a lot to be prepared.

<small>[ November 01, 2003, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Wildflower67 ]</small>

What are the laws in your state? So many are "no fault" states anymore, meaning they chalk it up to "irreconsilable differences". I hated that. I wasnt the one to file & still dont know WHY, except ex-H involved in affair.

Anyway, why do you want a divorce? Do you have children? What are your assetts - financially etc. Do you have individual or joint bank accounts? Will you be splitting that up? They will want to know what do YOU want & what are you asking for. Do you own house? cars? etc. Investments? Retirement accounts? Will you be asking for "maintenance"/alimony. What are both your annual incomes? Bring the papers that answer all this. Have you talked to your spouse or will this come as a total shock?

I think presenting them with a Summons is cruel no matter what. See if you can waive the summons and get papers to spouse another way. If no kids, its ALL about assetts. What do you both own and can you agree on how it will be divided? If you cant, it will be dragged out & go before a judge who will decide for you.

I dont know about the issues when you have children, but of course there are custody issues. Where will their primary residence be? Who will be responsible for their medical insurance also.

Please dont rush into a decision you might regret. Just find out all your options & discuss the things above.

Is your spouse aware of problems? Was infidelity involved or just life stressors? Can you talk & try counseling etc first?

In some states, if you both are agreeable, you can have a mediator & avoid too many legal costs. For a straightforward case without fights or children or extra court appearances, the average cost to start is about $1000 to file. I hope you will not think Divorce is an easy escape or that the grass is greener on the other side. I hope you have made every effort to improve communications or the problems if your spouse was ammenable. My ex-H never gave me that chance. He told me "I am giving you a chance - a chance to get used to the idea that I'm leaving". IT is a very hard painful process. Take care.

Hi AgainstTheWind,
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I am so sorry for the pain you've gone through. Thank you for helping me to know what to expect with my appointment tomorrow. I'll probably post tomorrow after my appointment too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AgainstTheWind:
<strong> What are the laws in your state? So many are "no fault" states anymore, meaning they chalk it up to "irreconsilable differences".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here in NJ we have no fault too but also general which lists 9 different categories for filing under.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Anyway, why do you want a divorce?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thirteen yrs of marriage, and thirteen years of domestic violence and cruelity that becomes increasingly worse as time goes on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Do you have children?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, 6 children, five of them "ours" one is "mine".
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> What are your assetts - financially etc. Do you have individual or joint bank accounts? Will you be splitting that up? They will want to know what do YOU want & what are you asking for. Do you own house? cars? etc. Investments? Retirement accounts? Will you be asking for "maintenance"/alimony. What are both your annual incomes? Bring the papers that answer all this. Have you talked to your spouse or will this come as a total shock?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have a house, a mini van, a car and $20,000 of credit card debt. We have only one joint account, the rest are individual. The joint account has $6 in it. I already get minimal child support checks through the courts. I will be asking for alimony since the marriage was longer then 10 years. No investments, and my h has a small retirement fund through his job. I have been a stay-at-home-mom for our whole marriage so there is only one income, although I am opening my own business "very soon". I'm sure he is expecting this, since he had to leave and I told him I was done with "us".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I dont know about the issues when you have children, but of course there are custody issues. Where will their primary residence be? Who will be responsible for their medical insurance also.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The kids will stay with me. As of right now, he comes over on Saturdays and spends time with the kids. I leave during this time. He is staying with his mom so it will have to be this way until he gets his own place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Please dont rush into a decision you might regret. Just find out all your options & discuss the things above.

Is your spouse aware of problems? Was infidelity involved or just life stressors? Can you talk & try counseling etc first?

In some states, if you both are agreeable, you can have a mediator & avoid too many legal costs. For a straightforward case without fights or children or extra court appearances, the average cost to start is about $1000 to file. I hope you will not think Divorce is an easy escape or that the grass is greener on the other side. I hope you have made every effort to improve communications or the problems if your spouse was ammenable. My ex-H never gave me that chance. He told me "I am giving you a chance - a chance to get used to the idea that I'm leaving". IT is a very hard painful process. Take care. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I'm not rushing because I have tried everything under the sun. Numerous attempts at counseling, talking till we're blue in the face, IC, MC, and yes, even Marriage Builders (which was the last hope). He remains abusive.

The hardest part to come to terms with is that he *can* be kind and loving, as he proves during the "honeymoon phase" (of the cycle of abuse). He chooses to give up and turn into a jerk. This last time I said to him that he was starting to backslide. I said "All the things you were doing that was working for us, you have stopped doing." He said it was "too much work". He prefers to keep me living in fear. It's a power game to him where he is the constant "winner". Unfortunately we are all losing.

And then there is the violence. The anger, busted doors, busted walls, pushing, shoving, slapping etc. What next? Our lives? No, I am done. I've finally reached my limit. I put myself through school and got an AS degree, for my own esteem, but also so I could get out someday. I had to fight for that too.

My time has come. For the first time I feel at peace.

Take care,
~Wildflower67

Wildflower, Come to Dave and Busters if you are in southern Jersey. See other post. Okay, you can expect to go over why you want a divorce. You can bring documentation of the abuse if you have any. Bring his social security number and the numbers of the children. If you were so lucky as to have a pre-nupt., bring that along too.

Additional information you’ll need to gather: Bank account statements (his if you can get them), copies of your tax forms, how much equity you have in the house, etc. His paycheck stubs (if you can get them). Cost of living budget. How much support you're getting.

He’ll ask for more stuff as well.

Also, start hording cash. And I’m talking real cash. Cash leave almost no trail. You may find this beneficial.

I know this sounds scary. But, it is best to be prepared. Also, discuss protective orders should your h. become threatening or violent. The request can be all ready to go.

Good luck. I know it’s been a long road for you.

<small>[ October 21, 2003, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

Yes, come to Dave & Busters with us.

For your attorney, basically cut & paste into a document what you want. Alimony, CS.
GG's right. Have names & SSN's of the children ready.
My first attorney asked me to draft a narrative of the marriage. From that, she identified grounds upon which to file. Extreme Cruelty is common in NJ.

Where are you in NJ?
My attorney used e-mail which is extremely important in keeping the costs down, and in reviewing documents. I suggest you find one who does use e-mail.

If you are in Central NJ, I can suggest some Divorce support groups if you are interested.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong>
Additional information you’ll need to gather:
My 2cents worth: health insurance info - like how much of a premium do you pay monthly, yearly, what is your deductible, and how much is spent per year on each of you.

Also, start hording cash. And I’m talking real cash. Cash leave almost no trail. You may find this beneficial.

comment: Cash should be hoarded in a place he can't get access to. Rent a safe deposit box in a bank where neither he nor you have accounts. Just keep stashing that money into the safe deposit box.

For small amounts of cash, you could drill a hole in the top of a door in the house, a hole large enough to put a roll of $20's into, and don't let the kids see you drilling the hole or taking the money out. (Even the best kids can slip up and reveal things.)

Or, freeze the money in a bag of something that neither he nor the kids like to eat. In other words, not a Sarah Lee pie. Frozen turnips maybe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I'm new here and can't help but want to reach out. My husband of 11 years decided back in Sept. our marriage was done. He contacted an attorney (secretively - his parents knew though)to see what his rights were as an individual and as a father. (we have a child who is 5). This totally crushed me. I have known him for 14 years and NEVER expected divorce proceddings to occur. I contacted a lawyer to see what MY rights were and everyone was right. Bring 401(k) paperwork, social security numbers for everyone in your household, titles to your vehicles, credit card information and W2's. It's very unsettling to go through this. We're trying to work it out, but it sure is tough when all he's doing is blaming me for being "emotionally needy". Best of luck to you and have consolation in knowing others are going through this with you.

blueeyedblonde:

You should probably start a new thread. Try clicking on "New Topic" at the bottom of the page.

Better yet, go to a forum like "General Questions II" (which gets a lot of traffic) and post your new topic there.

Welcome 2 MB! I'm sorry you had 2 come here, though. But I'm also gladdened that you found this place and these wonderful people. I've gotten so much help over the past almost 2 years that I wouldn't live long enough 2 thank all the people who've responded 2 me!

All my best,
♥2long

Update

I filed on Wednesday the 22nd of October. I signed the papers on the 24th. To my knowledge, he hasn't been served yet. The lawyers office said they would call me when they are serving him. They filed under the "severe cruelity" complaint. Rightly so.

Yesterday I got a paper from the courthouse that said we would have to attend parents education program. This is mandatory for parents who are divorcing in NJ. I wonder if he got this copy yesterday too. It's likely to come before he's served. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Can anyone from NJ give me a heads up on this? We have an appt. for Dec. 11th.

I have no regrets. It's early in the process but still, I go through different feelings at different times. Mostly I'm neutral, as in...no feelings over it all. But I also swing between depression and anger.

Like I said for two weeks in a row (he sees the kids here at our house on Saturdays and I leave) get your stuff packed up that in our bedroom. He always has excuses. No boxes, I told him they are in the attic. No where to keep the stuff, I told him to pack it up and store it in the attic if he needed to. Finally, I packed it all up in boxes. He was here on Thurs. night with the kids. I said, don't you want any of that stuff? He said yes, he'd get it on Saturday. The boxes are in the bedroom. Today is Saturday. If he doesn't take them I will throw it all out and tell him I will too. I think it's his tie to the house. As long as he's not all moved out....

Well it's a new thing. For all our past seperations, I've never asked him to get his stuff out before, of course, I never filed before either. So the whole time I'm packing I'm really angry. I'm angry that I was the one who had to pack his stuff and I was angry that I had a need to have to pack his stuff. Broken promises, broken dreams, it bites. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />