I don't understand the feelings I have been having lately. I haven't felt this way since just after we first separated. I want to cry all the time again. I have that feeling of hopelessness, like my back is against the wall with no where to run. I am searching for answers and I just can't find them. God just isn't working fast enough for me (yes, I know, he works on his time not ours). I am not sure if I am having these feelings because I am starting to think it is time to move on. I have done what I can and can do no more. Maybe it is time to just get it over with and file...that's funny, like it will ever be over with. Maybe it is because the holidays are quickly approaching and I am dreading them. I don't know. Can anybody tell me if they had these feelings before they filed?

{{{{{CantLetHimGo}}}}} I've gone through these ups and downs every step of the way. After almost 3 years of separation, 2.5 years since filing, and almost 1.5 years of no contact, I recently changed my name back to my maiden name (I never changed my name on my SS card, just changed my driver's license and began using my H's name so it wasn't hard to change it back) and that small thing, after all this time, sent me into a brief tailspin.

I dreaded my first holiday alone, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I even divided up all the ornaments we'd collected over the years and sent him his, at his request, without falling apart.

I have a deposition coming up in a week. Because I have a restraining order, it will be the first time I've seen or spoken with my WH since May 2002! I've also felt at times, that God wasn't working fast enough, but I'm in much better shape, emotionally, than I would have been a year ago, so at this point, I'm grateful for the delay.

Sometimes I feel like that whole days, still. I have been taking Effexor and that helps the thoughts/emotions a great deal. Still, I notice sometimes I get these fits of grief that are overwhelming. It hurts TOO MUCH and I dont want to cry. But its not good to hold it in. Ive been reading books on grieving & letting go & holding in that stress has definate effects on the body. The books suggest to plan a time when you can be alone. Purposely stimulate those feelings from photos, songs, whatever & LET IT ALL OUT as much as possible. This will take place more than once. I have good days and bad days. I had a crying fit the other night cause I still hate sleeping without his warmth next to me & the sound of him breathing. I cried so much I could hardly breathe. But I did feel much more productive the next day. (I think my female hormones have begun to play a role too, now that Im on the 2nd half of 30's.

Dont be like me. I stress on how "they" think I should be doing, what should I be feeling, shouldnt I be over this by now? Why cant I let go? Why am I alone etc. Why is this happening? Why am I being punished when I did no wrong?
It is definately depression brought on by the situations. Feel what you feel, acknowledge it & work through it. Dont push what you are not ready for. It is just the too slow healing process. And they say not to make any serious life altering decisions while on this rollercoaster ride we call married life.

My ex-h filed (affair). I was adamant about not being the one to file. I wanted to work on things, he did not.

What is your separation situation? Is there mutual anything? Intention to work it out?

The book that has helped me the most is called "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends". I think it is excellent. Talks about all the steps we go through. Likens them to climbing the mountain. Anger, depression, lonliness are all on the bottom. Self esteem, happiness up toward the top. At the end of the book, in the Appendix is a very good section about Separation. An example of an contract between you about the separation and and several pages about when to consider separation as an option instead of divorce and what the goals should be and for how long etc.

Dont push yourself too hard or I think your recovery might be a false one. Work through the processes with as much time as you need.

Thanks LetSTry, I guess these feelings are "normal" if anything can be considered normal anymore. Good luck with your deposition..I don't even like to think about that process, but I know it's coming.

AgainstTheWind, we have been separated since the end of January...he says there is nothing to work on. I asked that we seek counseling of some sort, he refused, said their wasn't anything left to counsel. He was getting his counseling from a "friend" in California. I was supposed to think it wasn't anything unusual for him to have his "sales rep" HOME phone number. He went to visit her in March on a "business trip". Funny, he stayed at her house, not a hotel. After that her husband decided he didn't like him calling so much, so she doesn't talk to him anymore. Atleast that is what he told me. Honestly, I haven't ask him much about what he is doing with his life since then. I guess I am afraid to find out. I had asked that we try to "date" and spend some time on just us, but he said he had no feelings for me and didn't want to give me false hope. I gave up. I haven't asked anything of him since about April. He hardly ever talks to the kids anymore. He may take our son fishing or hunting once a month...that's it. He never takes him to his house (his sister's) to just spend time with him, he only takes him if he is going somewhere. We don't have any temporary orders in place, just a verbal agreement, which he is starting to be really lax on. Sometimes he doesnt put money into my son's account until the next week, instead of on Friday. Here lately he has not been putting the agreed amount in the account. This is killing me since my son has had alot of medical expenses lately, doctors appointments and physical therapy twice a week. I have also had to miss a lot of work to make these appointments...since H has been on vacation to Florida and can never get away from work to take him. I have tried to enlist the help of family, but they are getting burned out too. It would really help if S had his license and a car. He could take himself....yeah right, like that is going to happen anytime soon.

Sorry if I sound a little bitter. I guess the idea of being the only responsible parent who has to take care of all the bills and everything else while the unresponsible parent with no bills is off spending money on fishing trips to Florida is starting to get to me. But, I guess I shouldn't be complaining, he did buy me a new push mower for my birthday and I did get a nice set of windchimes from Florida! And judging from everyone else on the board...this is "normal". GEEZ!

<small>[ October 23, 2003, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: CantLetHimGo ]</small>

(((((((((CLHG))))))))))))

I know just how you feel! I was wondering if I was going crazy because I will be doing fine and all of a sudden I will be crying. I get upset because I feel like I'm back sliding but I know this is just part of the process. Damn rollercoaster!! I will never be able to go on one again.

We all care, you have every right to feel like you do. I wish I had some great advice but I right where you are, last night I was home alone and just cryed and screamed. My poor dog thought I was mad at him. I was a loon!! But I feel better today so maybe I needed to do it.

My YS called me when I was in a bad way and I kinda vented to him. I then realized I shouldn't be doing that so I wrote him a note and left it on the table. I left to go bowling and got home after he went to bed, the note he left me had me on the kitchen floor crying. Not out of sadness but that I am so blessed to have such loving boys.

His note stated how he is sorry I have to go through all of this. How it makes him sad to see a beautiful women like me not happy. That we will all be okay some day and be a true family again. How much he loves me and thanks God that he has me as his mother because I am the best mom a son could ever have. It was just what the doctor ordered.

I dated the note and will always keep it. We will make it!!! Hang in there!

LJ

CLHG---what you are feeling is, unfortunately, very normal for what you are going through. Each step that is taken to end a M will create grief and tears. Remember that your M is being ripped and torn apart. Think about if your arm was being cut off with a plastic knife----that is how ending a M felt to me.

I moved last Nov 2002, and was fine for awhile. Had lots to do to get settled then Christmas came with acivity and company in my new apartment..but then January came with fits of crying daily again. I could not stop but it was the continuing of the grieving process. You have to grieve or you will have a festering sore inside you continually. I think crying is washing the wound....it has such healing effects. And don't ever feel ashamed that you are cyring too much. God made us that way for a reason.

It seems that you need to take some kind of steps to protect yourself and children financially. A verbal agreement is a bit scary in the cheating and lying circumstances that you find yourself in.
You should really look at the irresponsibility of your WS and take steps to make him accountable to you and your child.

Do you have anyone to counsel with you? Sometimes when we are in deep pain, it is hard to see our direction clearly. We need someone to cut through the fog and help us realize where we are going.

Did you ever read Dr Dobson's TOUGH LOVE? It is an eye-opener.....and really helped me make a step or two for my own health and well-being.

I am happier now than I have ever been in all the 55 yrs that I have been alive....mainly cause I have lived with alcoholics for 54 yrs but it is truly easy living without all that heartache, enabling, manipulation, irresponsibility, disconnectness and indifference.

Take a step and cry it out.....God knows where you are heading.

TW

Thanks LJ,
I know we are about in the same time frame...it is good to know I am not alone. I feel that way at times...all alone. As you know, at some point your family just gets tired of your "situation". Everyone keeps saying get rid of him, move on, but they are not the ones living in the situation. Then there is the religious side of the matter that I am really struggling with. My Pastor says it's ok to divorce him, I have grounds, I have waited long enough. One of my very dear friends (like a mother) says I can't, I have to wait because he hasn't actually said he wants a divorce. Well, he said he didn't want to be married...isn't that the same thing? Then my dad (who owns the morgage on my house)wants me to file NOW, which I am really having a hard time with because I can not lose his support. As I said, I feel like I have my back against the wall and no way out.

Oh, and I know about those wonderful children...D is a physcology major and disects her dads every action (sometimes this is not a good thing). Just this week they were discussing MLC in class...of course she had to put her 2 cents in. S doesn't say much of anything, but he trys in little ways to take care of things for us.

Tossedwave,
I am glad you are finding happiness...I want to be there some day. I know I will be a stronger person for it when it happens.
The reason I had not sought counsel(financially) was because up to this point he had been more than fair (by law) in what $$ he was giving us. I know it was more than I will get in child support by law. He has a crappy paying job, but lots of benefits for him...free hunting, fishing trips all over the world (Brazil, Costa Rica, Canada, etc). His truck note is pretty much paid for , gas allowance, cell phone..etc. I know that child support can include some of that, but that still doesnt give me a lot of money to raise a teenager on. We didn't have any credit cards (now he has one)as we paid them all off in the sale of our last home.
As for emotional counsel, I have too many at this point...all wanting me to go in different directions. All I know is I will only have 2 years to collect child support and with the job I have, I can't make it after that (already done away with alot of extras). I have been looking into going back to school as I have been told I should be able to get grants due to being a single parent with one child already in college, and one still at home full time. But, picking a direction is hard...all I really wanted to be was a wife and mother. My job was the "second income"I didn't have to be a big wage earner. Now, I am the only income, and the pay just isnt enough. I have two years to try to "fix" it. How do you go to school full time, work full time, make sure a child is taken care of and go through all this mess and keep it all together..I dont know. Everyone says dont make "life altering decisions" at this time, but I have to, I have no choice. I have not read the book "tough love", but it sounds like I need to add it to my list. I will look for it next time I am in the book store.

Sorry, this is long, I just needed to get some things out and clear my head a little. Thanks all,

hugs and prayers,
CLHG

CLHG---The counseling I was thinking of was a professional "coach" or advisor...the sign of a good C is that they help you sort out the mess and make decisions that YOU see are what need to happen. A good C will not "tell" you what to do. You definitely do not need people telling you what to do cause everybody sees things so differently. YOU see the whole picture and you have to make the decisions that you are sure of. I know Tough Love would help you in what you described ealier.

I did all that I could to make recovery possible so each step I took was made with clear decisions. I HAVE NO REGRETS...just a few what if I tried this or that but they are quickly disspelled with reality.

Why will you only get 2 yrs of child support? Is your kids over 18? If so, they will need to someday help out financially if they live with you.

You are certainly right, going to college, working and being a full time mother is impossible for anyone....but especially for someone that has been raked through the coals emotionally as you have been. I can understand a M ending and 2 people being at fault in its ruination but I cannot understand a father who will not care for his children.

I never thought that I could afford to support myself----it literally made me sick and I did not sleep for months. I had to go on Celexa to finally be able to make the decision to move...I was so scared to be on my own. But I carefully calculated everything and I am living financially the same as I was in M. Don't understand it fully but I am so thankful for all the decision that God helped me make (picking an apartment, separation aggreement, budgeting, investing, and thankful that WS is cooperative). I guess that is the bottom line.

God does not promise everything will be honky-dorey but he does promise to never leave us or forsake us.....Read Hebrews 13:4-6.....Keep these verses near you always to remind you that God WILL help.

TW