Hi,
I had a conversation with a friend going through a similar experience today. Her husband filed for divorce last week and she took the pictures of them down and put them away and took the her wedding rings off because she felt emotionally divorced from him.

My husband filed for divorce about a month ago. We sold our house already and we close on it mid Nov. I've purchased a condo and he is going to rent a townhouse. We are still living here in our house together until the first week of November when we will move from our home and separate.

I am having trouble with the thought of taking my wedding rings off and taking the pictures down. Obviously when we pack up the house the pictures will be packed away as well. I don't know if I should put them back up in my new place. If you walked into our house you would never guess we are in the midst of a divorce. I have wedding pictures up everywhere and pictures of us together. I also have a picture of us and our two dogs up on my desk at work. Can't even imagine putting it away, let alone taking my wedding ring off. This would be just such a huge emotional hurdle for me right now. Is this something I need to do to move forward? Am I holding onto something I should be letting go of?

Incidentally, tomorrow is our 10 year wedding anniversary. This isn't exactly what I planned on doing for my anniversary.

I welcome opinions from everyone, especially if you have experienced something similar.

Jeesh, has the "7 yr itch" turned into 10?? My now ex-H started affair year 9. Our Anniversary is in May and he was still in house too until October when he refiled. He had moved his clothes into other room. Never hardly came home except after 11 pm to sleep (on the floor downstairs). All his own doing. I did not want any of this. I went through 2 yrs of begging, pleading, crying, trying to be cordial etc.

He had gone out of town for work & I called him just before #10. Asked him to give us a chance. He flat out said no. (Before, he wouldve said something like - wait til I get home.) He said he would fly back Thursday, but not be home til Friday cause he had "work to catch up on" & was staying in town where airport and his work are ~75 miles away. I said ok. There were 3 trips back to back to 3 different states (legit). But our Anniversary came & went without so much as a word. In fact he stayed out the whole day/evening & did not return till midnight. Said nothing. 3rd trip I was suspicious of the "work catch up" line & drove to OW's apt late the Thurs night he should have been far away working. His truck was there. Im pretty certain he spent the night the prior 2 weekends also.

That was it. I took my rings off after that Anniversary. He was staying away & not even talking for almost a year by then. I had to give up. I did not want to indicate to the world that I was married when it was clear he wanted out so bad. The rings are still on a holder on my nightstand. I cant put them away in a box yet! But I never wear them.

At one time, I had his photos in bedroom still & he went in when I wasnt there and took them out of the frames!! Any others I tried to show him (from the good times) would be laying on top of the trash when I'd get home!!! To tell you the truth, I still have my favorite photo of us on the opposite nightstand. I have insomnia for some months now & find it comforting.

The books on letting go & grief recovery say to pack all that stuff out of sight. Then assign a private time when you can go open the box & allow for some serious grieving. They say to rearrange furniture, change routine etc.

Maybe I wouldnt put up so many photos of the 2 of you together in new place. Maybe privately in your bedroom or someplace. As for the rings, keep wearing them if you want. Dont stress out about it. When the time is right, you will KNOW then.

It seems so cordial between you. Still sharing a bed? Why are you divorcing??

It depends on whether you have children. I kept all photos up for the kids (it was recommended in a book).
In the new house, Ihave the family photos in their bedrooms, not in the common rooms.

Hi and thanks for the responses. Cordial?...at times. We have been going back and forth, sometimes cordial, sometimes furniture flying across the room. H has had multiple affairs over many years and his most recent EA has deteriorated the marriage so much. We don't have children but we have two dogs that we both love very much and I hope we can work out a shared custody kind of thing.


He asked me this morning if I wanted to go out to dinner or something tonight. He wanted to know if I knew what today was. (doy!) I said I wanted to think about it and call him later at work. I don't think they make a Hallmark card that's appropriate for this occasion?

Sad to say, I bet Hallmark does.
I moved my wedding ring to my right hand. It symbolizes to me, my in between status. People find all kinds of ways to handle it.

For me, I'm keeping the name. I'll probably figure something out for the ring. My marriage was going to be the fairy tale story, swept off my feet by an older man.

Don't worry about the ring or moving on. You seem to be doing fine. And one day you'll wake up and find you have moved on, maybe without realizing it was happening.

He asked me this morning if I wanted to go out to dinner or something tonight. He wanted to know if I knew what today was. (doy!) I said I wanted to think about it and call him later at work. I don't think they make a Hallmark card that's appropriate for this occasion?

My anniversary last year (Nov. 4) my ex did the same. Wanted to go to dinner. This was after a nightmare hell weekend of deciding to separate and fighting and him leaving me for good. He then calls wanting to go to dinner. I went. I look back now- it wasn't such a good idea.
And no, no hallmark cards for this. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

As for pictures, i took the wedding album and video and any pictures with my family in them too. I wanted them for memories of other people- not him. And I left him all the ones of just us. I may regret that later, but it has been almost a year and I am relieved and at peace I did it.
Of course, I left them in a box, he hid them under a counter, and the people that bought our house called me and told me that he had left them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I called him and told him, and told him he was welcome to go get them, or I would tell them to throw them away. He said no, he wanted to get them.
I took off my wedding rings the day the divorce papers came. And I have most things in a box. Including my ring, in the back of my closet.

<small>[ October 23, 2003, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

I've still been thinking about this. Though its been 2 yrs + of fighting, anguish & separation from bedroom/conversation, my D has only been final 6 1/2 months. I feel so stuck. I dont feel like doing a darned thing except bury my head in the sand. Nothing gives me any satisfaction. Just yeuch, yeuch etc.

I am reading a book about grief(losses) and another on Letting G0 by T. Cabot. It'll take me a while to put the steps into effect, still. By holding onto photos, gifts, etc. I have been unable to let go so far.

I am thinking you may not feel the full impact of the divorce until you are both living separately and not talking on phone or emailing much anymore. I would pack up the stuff that would be an emotional trigger for now & look at them down the road sometime. Saying goodbye to that part of your life is very hard. I think moving the rings off that finger to other hand or on a chain or melted down into something new would be a better idea.

I took down the pictures and took off my rings a few weeks before I filed for divorce but I have kept them. He tried to erase all my digital pictures on my computer but he forgot to empty the recycle bin so I still have those as well. I felt I needed to do this to have the strength to go through the divorce. He had controlled and neglected me so much for a decade that I had come to the point of losing all my self esteem and sense of identity. My whole life was revolving around what would make him less angry. His control over me was so complete that I nearly fell apart immediately after the divorce. It was kind of like quitting alcohol or some other substance of abuse. I cannot say I am completely well now but at least I am much happier and have more selfconfidence.

It is ironic but I had to have my rings removed by a jeweler the month the A was forming (without my knowledge at this point). The rings were widened but I kept taking them off and on just to make sure they were removeable. When I found out about the A, it was about a year before I took rings off for good. I kept waiting to see if we would reconcile. Then when I truly saw the reality of the situation, I took rings off and bought other rings to wear. I was like buying a different ring each week for about a month then I stopped wearing rings for awhile. I, sad to say, will never put those rings on again.

I left the large family portrait on the wall in our house for WS. I took a family portrait of us when kids were small and have it hanging on my apartment wall. I can relate to my husband as my kid's father but I do not want pictures reminding me that we are husband and wife. I guess it is cause I have to face reality and accept what cannot be. I have to divide up the family snapshots but have not been able to do it yet. That will be a real chore....maybe we should do it together. Why should I bear that burden alone?

TW

Interesting, how this feels to all of us.

I stopped wearing my ring when we separated, but I was the WS. He hadn't been wearing one for years due to his type of work.

I put the wedding picture on the wall away when he moved out. (It was 19 years old) I finally packed away the wedding picture album into a closet this past summer.

I still have a picture of him in my purse, in a zippered compartment off to the side. I have a small family picture w/ him in it in our bedroom, and a pic of him with our DD in the bedroom too.

When the time comes, I'll move them if need be.

I thought of redoing the diamond ring, but can't bring myself to do that. It's in a box.

SAd , isn't it.

HP

My rings have been off and on in the 18 months since D-day.

I finally concluded that I married for life and that I will keep my commitment for life. The rings stay on. If he wants to honor his commitment to me, then I'm receptive.

No one forces you to take off your rings. Think about what wearing them means concerning your commitment and not what they say about him.

Proposition day was 2 days after 8th wedding anniversary, and D-day was 4 days after 9th wedding anniversary.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopeful_person:
<strong> Interesting, how this feels to all of us.

HP </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is.

My divorce will be final in the next few weeks. I've been thinking quite a bit about the two large wedding pictures that have been hanging up in my living room for the past 18 years. For now, I think they will stay after the divorce. My WW has expressed little interest in anything she left behind when she moved out over two years ago. I am still very much in love with the woman that is next to me in those portraits. She is not the same person I am divorcing. I guess I kind of look at it the same way as if she had passed away.

I took off my ring a few weeks after D-day thinking it would make her realize how serious all this was...saying "when you are ready to come back to our marriage, you can give me my ring back." We did marriage counseling, etc.

She never gave it back.

The day the final straw broke, I took down all the photos and put them and the albums in a big bin and stored them away. I needed to start moving on and memories around the house weren't going to help.

I figure in a couple years I'll feel better about chucking them all. I'm a very sentimental guy so this is/will be hard to do.

It sucks going to my parents and seeing family pictures with her in them. But on the lighter side, all of those pictures now have a Dole banana sticker on her face! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />