I'm in a mental bind. About a month ago, my husband told me "I'm done!" I was so taken aback by the comment, I started to pack while he was giving our 5 year old a bath. I'm not sure why I did it. I told my H that I wanted him to stop me and say that he wants to work things out, but he never did. I told him I wasn't leaving; I have no where to go. I found out a few days later that he contacted a lawyer (on the sly) and was planning to look at apartments in another building (we're currently living at an apt. complex which has 3 bldgs.)He discussed all of this with his sister and his parents before even telling me. I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me. He explained me to me that I'm emotionally needy and he can't handle "it" anymore. My Mother recently had emergency surgery. He said he couldn't be there for me emotionally, but he could be there for me logistically. Is that good enough? We've been married 11 years and he's my best friend (at least he was until he made the "announcement"). I don't want a divorce. He says the only hope he sees is to throw our marriage away. Now to my subject. I read an article in MB and it stated everything that we're going through, from a new "friend" at work, changing wardrobe, being tired of responsibilites (Daddy, Husband, etc.) He's 37 years old. Can I do anything? Help me please. My heart is crushed.

Hi you're definitely not alone! I thought my H and I were best friends too until he gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech' that is VERY TYPICAL of male mid life crisis men. I personalized it way too much thinking something was deficient in ME while he was wanting a divorce and that tore my little bit of self-esteem into even more shreds. Believe me clinging, crying and pleading will drive him away further at this point. Have you read the books "Divorce Remedy" and "Love Must be Tough"? those would be two great strategy books for you to be following right now. They will show you ways to be emotionally stronger and how to deal with your H"s uncertainty and wavering. Also- there is a website at midlifewivesclub.com that has a forum you can post in- full of insight and support for you there. Take care- I never thought I would avoid divorce but we ended up reconciling eventually though we were separated for awhile in between. lifeismessy

I'm going through the same thing with my wife right now. She's 43 and abandoned our M almost 7 months ago, has filed for D in another state. She denied having any physical or emotional problems and was upset when I went to the doctor with her. I am contesting the D and seek reconciliation.

She is a great woman with many hurts and trust me I have my part in it. Your H is battling many emotions right now and is in a mental and spiritual fog. I don't know if you have entered counseling but I highly suggest it. Has your H sought medical treatment? My W battled hormone problems, hot flashes, etc.

Give him the benefit of the doubt for now. You may need a trial separation in order for it to be better in the long run.

Hang in there and God bless!

We sought counseling (5 sessions) and the "fit" just wasn't right. I tried explaining to my H that there are millions of other professionals out there who may be what we're looking for. No desire to search. I contacted a therapist for myself. As I explained to my H, I think self healing will be better in the long run to assist in the healing of the "couple". I don't know what went wrong. I'm a good woman who works full time, just graduated from college (after 14 years), cooks, cleans, does laundry, cuts coupons, etc. Okay, I wanted the same relationship we had before our daughter was born. I want the "fantasy" love where I am the only one my H sees in a crowded room. He told me that he "expected" me to realize that when our D was born, I was now on the back burner. He could no longer tend to my needs. Wow! I didn't think my expectations were too high or unrealistic.
I'm really worried about my H. He's angry and depressed. He's being treated for high blood pressure and IBS. (which he blames on me). I'm going to speak to our family doctor to see what he could do. My H also has an anxiety disorder. From all of the articles that I've read, I'm not supposed to give/offer advice to my H, but he needs help. I'm going to look at the books that were referenced. Any other suggestions would be greatfully appreciated.

BEB,

Your situation sounds alot like mine. H wanted out 1 1/2 yrs ago after starting EA w/old 'friend'. He claimed depression, possible MLC, whatever. I spoke to his MD (same as mine). H also suffers from high blood pressure, has been treated for depression for 7-8 yrs, and is now being treated for bipolar.

I gave him books, researched his condition, medications, etc. Gave him articles to read. Nothing really helped. He would come back into reality every couple months or so, but he still left for 4 mo then came home but nothing changed. He remained in contact w/OW, never worked on the marriage, never got IC, we never went to MC.

I finally retained an attorney 2 wks ago. H now says he doesn't want it over, but I don't think he will really change.

My advice: let him do what he's going to do. Don't try to 'help' him, he probably won't accept it and may even resent it-mine did. Be prepared for a rollercoaster ride. It is not pretty. Maybe he'll snap out of it quickly, but he may not at all. If I had to do it over, I would have filed much sooner.