Been around since May 2001 when I suspected now ex-H affair with coworker. Went through most of 2 years with him at home doing as he pleased, denying affair, argueing, him treating me badly, only home at midnight to sleep on floor etc. Been through the receipts for gifts, secret email/phone calls to cell phone & him hiding paperwork. He dismissed after the first filing, but I caught him with OW after that. Stayed at home for almost the second yr. My needing surgery put a delay in his re-filing I guess. The divorce has been final since March. I am alone & the house is mine now.

He used to call me often to see how I was, but that has lessened to once a month or less. I lost my job the end of May and have been unemployed since. I have no siblings, parents, grandparents, in-laws etc. (deceased or never had). I have two or three best friends. I have been trying to keep busy with little things & avoid thinking of him/us/how it used to be. I have had terrible insomnia since losing the job. I was seeing a counselor for the past 2 yrs but without insurance, I quit going. She wasn't helping me much anyhow, just kept saying "take care of you". HOW??

I take antidepressants & they helped with the overly distraught emotions & incessant thoughts. But I still feel sadness and have ZERO motivation to do anything. I just want to sleep or wake up to find out it was all a bad dream. H was my everything. The only man I'd ever been with, friends 5 years, married 10. We used to be each others everything. I still dont know what happened except the OW witch brainwashed him. He had job politics & started to rebel, saying I "wouldnt let him do anything" & "wasnt there for him". But I gave him all I had.

I feel SO lost anymore. We worked on our house lots. Now everything is falling apart. So much cosmetic work needs doing & the yard is so bad it looks like no one lives here. Faucets are dripping etc. I dont feel like rearranging furniture or painting etc. I dont go to stores cause I cant spend the money! I am sick of reading self help books cause most do nothing for me and I find them fluffy. AARGH! And now with the time change, the nights are so long. I want to call the ex-H often, but I don't. I guess if he was thinking of me at all etc, he would call more often or email etc. But he stays clear of me. I have his phone # but he would not tell me his address, though I know where he lives. About two months ago, a friend & I saw him by accident with OW in her van, obviously going out to eat. I had not been driving by in a very long time, but after that I did. Saw OW at his place, obviously for the night.

People that knew us both tell me to "Move On". I hate that phrase. I kind of do and dont want to. I am nowhere ready to seek other relationship. My 'self esteem' is zero. I feel worthless (especially since no one will hire me & I am qualified for office job up the wazoo!). I never receive "kudos" from anybody for anything. Havent had a hug in almost 3 years. If someone touches my shoulder, I jump! I cant sleep without his warmth by my side & the comfort of hearing him snore. I know the person he is now is not the person I once knew, but this is so terribly hard. I had a huge need to take care of him and yes, I hear you say "codependence". But I still see that lost little boy inside of him, though he chooses the company of that slut instead of me. I imagine they go to movies, out to eat together etc & even go off for weekend getaways. He used to be bored with my conversations at times, so what do THEY find to talk about? ANd why the heck hasn't reality set in when their relationship is likely going on almost 3 years now.

I dont see relationships as 'disposable - you know replacing one with another). This was IT. ANd i've lost it.

I tell myself babysteps, but still cant do anything. I dont follow up on phone calls and am not pushy enough on the job search, I guess. The nights are unbearably long, though I do have an "as needed" job a few hours per week in the evenings. Nothing full time there though.

I also need to follow up from my surgery last year, but havent gone to the doctor because I am afraid of tests that might need doing or what might happen and I dont have health insurance.

HOW DO I DIG MYSELF OUT OF THIS HOLE? I am not an overly religious person. I tried. But reading a bible etc. does not bring me that feeling of comfort that so many who are strong in their faith receive. I keep looking for signs, and never see them.

against - You are grieving the loss of the marriage and loss of your H and best friend. Your feelings are normal. It's a very sad time for you, but the good news is that it won't always be like this. Each day you can MAKE yourself do something around the house. When I started I didn't feel like doing anything, but just took one step at a time. Now 3 months later my place is all fixed up and I'm looking for more things to do. It didn't take a lot of money. Also on the God thing, I'm a Christian, but what helped me is to completely give up and say "God, I can't do this anymore. I give up. Please take over my life and change me from the inside out." Good luck, we are here for you, please keep posting.

atw,
I agree with believer that you are grieving the loss of your marriage. I read a book several years ago and realized I was grieving my marriage while my stbx was still living here. My marriage fell apart for completely different reasons than you described, but a loss is a loss and you'll be stuck until the grieving is complete.

For me it was important to recognize the grief and understand the stages of it. Denial, depression, anger, followed by acceptance. I also know how much the financial difficulties can magnify the inertia.

You mentioned a lot of reading, much of it fluff. So many of the things I've tried that helped are perhaps things you would consider fluff. For me, fluff works! Things like pampering myself at the end of the day with a bubble bath. I joined the subscriber list at flylady.net. On the surface, it's about keeping your house clean with 15 minutes a day plus a weekly 'home blessing' for one hour. You might think it's fluff. Underneath, it's about making room in your life and your home for peace.

When things are really bad, I find an ugly shrub in the yard. I chop, hack, push, pull, cuss. I get rid of something I don't want and burn off a lot of anger and frustration. You mentioned having a house, so maybe there's some opportunities right outside your door. I would encourage you to take a second look at what you consider fluff. Situational depression can turn into clinical depression if it goes on too long. Your ex is out of the picture. Get him out of your brain and focus on your life. Start out small and make something, anything, happen once a day. Grieving can go on forever if a person doesn't do the work to move through it. Recognize the stages and set your sights on destination acceptance. The quote from Churchill comes to mind. When you're in hell, keep going!

((((((((((ATW)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are so down. I'm not over my stbxh either and it is so very hard. I miss what was and so are you, it is so differcult to move on.

Let me tell you somethings that work for me.
I have a dog that has to be walked and loves to play so I have to take him for walks and let him run. Kills about 1 to 2 hours. I know you said you have home repairs, I taped all my windows and base boards to get ready to paint the rooms, I put on loud (really loud)music and sang and/or cried. But I continued my task at hand mind you I still haven't painted but it's ready to go.

I joined a support group that meets every Monday night, I try to participate in their activies. I joined a bowling team on Wednesday nights I'm terrible but it kills another night. I make sure I don't stay in on both Friday and Saturday nights even if that means I go to the movies by myself.

I just try to stay as busy as possible but I still have really bad days. I listen to everyone here and just go with it and allow myself to grieve and hope one day I'll be okay. I wish I lived near you so I could give you a big hug. We care about you and you should care about you. Don't allow your x to still control you. Get strong and move even if its a walk around your block.

We care!!!
LJ

Thanks for your replies. I definately have stuff in the yard I could attack. Lots of those yellow tennis ball thingies off the trees to pick up (and THROW :-) ). I need to rake mega leaves also. I was going to "DivorceCare" for a while and it helped but the group got smaller & there is no next series. (they've moved on quicker than me). I guess I get mad at myself for being sad & upset & think I should be done feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling this way, but sometimes the memories sweep over me & the lonliness is awful. Being that the Holidays are approaching is not helping. But I always plan a houseful of friends for Thanksgiving. People look forward to my turkey and it has become a tradition that I continued the last 2 years and will do again this year. I have no kids of my own & with surgery & age & all, the clock started ticking. But I am quite the "auntie" to my friends kids (all under age 5) so I try to keep busy with that.

I let the lack of job prospects and worry of future funds get to me. I hope I'll find some Full time job during this month!! I had lost 35 lbs but gained it back. I need to start exercising again, but havent been able to push myself. I am getting back into my crafts hobby, but its something I can do alone. I need to get out more. H & I always went to movies together & I absolutely cant bring myself to go alone.

I have thought about getting a pet. I grew up with cats & dogs. But again, there is the fear of losing that pet & thought of another loss I could not take that stops me. I would not be home to let a dog out in the daytime & am afraid if I keep it outside all day, it will jump the fence etc. Someone suggested getting a cat since they use a litter box. That has been on my mind, but I feel I need to get the job first.

I shouldnt really have said "fluff" as far as books are concerned. Some are good. I just never remember all the details of what I've read. I got too many books on trying to save marriage & now thats not what I need. I do have "Rebuilding when your Relationship ends" which is very good, but I get stuck at the chapter where you consider meeting people/dating again. I dont feel ready for that. I get trapped back in the "grieving/depression" stage. I guess it just takes time. I wish it didnt hurt so much.

atw,
It hurts because it's *supposed* to hurt. Divorce isn't easy, nor should it be. It's a tremendous loss. Sometimes I think of the grief as a great big ball of dirt. To disperse it, we need to face it and dig in for as long as we can stand it. The grief will be there until it is finished. To wish that the big ball of dirt wasn't there doesn't make it go away. It simply delays the completion of the task.

A book I found helpful was 'just enough light for the step i'm on' by stormie omartian. As for having trouble with baby steps, are there adjustments you can make so they're within your range of doable? I know I've had struggles with looking at where I am and where I think I should be. Then I fret and fret because I'm not where I think I should be, and I get nothing accomplished. It's a terrible cycle to break. The best thing imo to do each day is to practice good self care. Sometimes it's the only thing accomplished, but that's ok, because it COUNTS toward healing. My theory on future relationships is getting myself into a healthy state mentally, physically and spiritually. Anything I find before then could land me in another bad relationship. I believe we have lessons to learn in everything that happens to us. After the marriage I've been through, I want to learn the lesson and graduate! This is something I don't ever want to repeat. I know 'healing' doesn't pay the bills, but it doesn't cost anything either. It's important stuff. Good luck in working through it. I truly believe that sifting through the grief will make room for blessings in your life. I hope it works out the same for you.

I know how bad it feels to be in 'that place'.

As for the book that is helpful...........you don't have to read that chapter yet. No one will make you. Read and use the rest of the book.

You are grieving several things. Grief makes it hard to get other things done. Just make on proactive decision each day. One and do something about that decision. One resume. One phone call. Start and you will feel better for having started.

(((((ATW)))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{ATW}}}}}}}}}}} Sorry all I can offer is a cyberhug, but it's heartfelt. Yes you're stuck right now, but posting is the beginning of getting unstuck, and you CAN move on.

I don't have kids of my own either or any family within 3000 miles and I made my H my "everything." He also said, "I wasn't there for him," when I felt I was giving him "all I had." I agree with all the advice you've already been given.

What helped me the most, besides MB, was Al-Anon - which fit my situation - because of the companionship, support, and the positive, spiritual philosophy. Al-Anon is full of "fluffy" sayings such as, "let go and let God," and, "one day at a time," which, repeated over and over again, began to have an effect. As others have suggested, just doing one thing for yourself, even if it feels phoney, is what they call in Al-Anon "acting as if," and it works. If you act as if long enough you start to believe it.

Act as if you have faith... act as if you love yourself... find a support group or an activity group you enjoy - book club, bible study, quilting, singing, dancing, anything. Find a friend to go with you if you need to. And stop beating up on yourself for not getting over it faster. I've done the same thing myself. It's definitely not easy, but it's worth it.

ATW,

How are you doing? Wanted you to know I'm think of you. Hang in there!

LJ

Doing okay, I guess. Going crazy as usual with the woulda/coulda/shoulda not only for the relationship and the past, but for the way I feel now. I make myself feel bad about not being over it all yet, isnt that nuts!!?? I have not found a job yet either and feel guilty that maybe I'm not applying enough places, or WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I get no call backs anymore, and after interviews get the "thank you, but. . ." letters. I give good interviews, am myself, dont mention personal problems etc. AARRGH!!

I am bored and extremely lonely. I do not want new male companionship yet - no way ready. I dont want to repeat the cycle either. My friends are annoyed anymore & say "I dont want to talk about him". They know how much he hurt me & what he did & cant believe I dont hate him. So, all the emotions are buried deep. I feel like if I really concentrated and let it all out, that I would die - its TOO painful.

I was into needlework in the past & have dug out some old unfinished projects to work on. The fact that it gets dark so early doesnt help my mood & feeling like the nights are so long. The worst thing is my insomnia. Its awful. I could go almost all night without sleeping but am dragging the next afternoon. I have no health insurance & cant afford Ambien out of my pocket. A friend gave me a few she had & it worked like a charm. I used to fall asleep the second my head hit the pillow, not anymore. I keep thinking maybe I should start a "sort of" journal and start writing down anything at all, but procrastate absolutely everything.

What I want is for my ex-H emotional problems to be healed, for him to never have contact with OW (not sure if ongoing or ended), and to come back with a changed heart for the better. I want that second chance he refused to give us!! But I am not thinking of that desperately, nor holding my breath. I sort of want to let go and let go of the pain, but wish magic would happen all the same! On the otherhand, what I actually NEED is a full time job with health insurance coverage, where the women are not a bunch of backstabbing cats (Meow - scratch). How am I? FRUSTRATED!!

I just dont know where to begin in trying to put my life back together. Ex-H was my everything, my handyman, my mechanic etc. For the second time, I called him when my car was on the fritz. (used to be his baby - that car!) He would often spend weekends tinkering with it & Id hang out with him in garage or help. Well, he came right away, got the parts and fixed it. We chatted for a bit in the garage, like old times, while he fixed the car. Then he left. This was yesterday. It has been so comforting knowing that he would take care of things (like the car) in a short time & I wouldnt have to spend money I dont have on mechanics. Plus things always happen on the weekends when shops are closed!

I guess I'm just addicted to his Phermones :-) !! I feel so empty when he's gone. I wish he could know how much he hurt me and how devastated I am without him. How much I want to talk to him etc. But I dont think he does. He must think I am doing fine. Im not. I dont call him, even when I want to. You know, they say "no contact" and all that. Him phoning me just because used to be weekly, but has dropped to about every 5 weeks now, except I called him for the car. AARGH. THis is all so hard. I'm trying to hang in there, but Im still stuck. I hate my life but do not have the gumption or strength to make changes for myself. I cant forget about him yet.