You mentioned in another thread that it is never too late... and for some I think that could be true, but I am no longer willing to accept my exwh in my life.

We went months with nc and divorced during that time. All paperwork was passed through a third party so we never spoke and never saw each other (not even in passing). I recently have seen him in passing and he asked for some items he still had here so I dropped them off to his house. He literally made me ill. I am no longer attracted to him as a person on any level let alone as a possible SO again.

My world is a much better place since closing that chapter of my life!

I thank you for your thoughts! Peace and hapiness to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

isleepalone,

you are correct, this is only for some. This is a choice one makes.
Its never too late,,, is actually a lot easier than most are aware of.

May i ask,, are you srill bitter, or angry towards your xwh?

Stephan

I guess in a sense I am still bitter, but these days I'm more bitter with myself for allowing such disrespect for so long. I am not the same person today as I was even a year ago.

When I was going through exwh's As, I believed in rebuilding the marriage and standing by him. I did Plan A time and again and fought for what I believed in, which was my marriage.

But I now see I was in my own little fairytale fog. I loved my exwh with all my heart and I never once felt the desire to cheat on him. My exwh swore through the whole thing (and still does) that he loved me and it had nothing to do with me or the love for me. Today I can see how delusional that thinking was. If someone loves you, they don't have a desire for someone else. So I see that he couldn't have loved me.

I think what he did love was having someone to come home to in case all the other women were busy. He had someone to cook his dinners, wash his clothes and practically wipe his butt for him. He had a warm body in his bed on those nights he didn't have a "date". But I didn't see that, I believed with each dday that he was committing to our marriage and to me.

I kick myself for not having more respect for myself to kick him out after dday. You just don't do that to someone you say you love! If he truly wanted me and our marriage then he would have been here for me and the marriage.

So what's your verdict? Bitter?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi isleepalone,

Bitter for allowing such disrespect? I'm a little confused with this. With my weeding vows, i gave, and made a promise, ....for better or for worse. Thru sickness and in health,,,

I'm aware of the fact there are 7n stages for recovery from divorce, maybe looking back and allowing different meanings is one, i'm really uncertain,,

I think its safe to say, that maybe you too were commited to your wedding vows. They had meaning, as well as a purpose. WIth this in mind, i'm left wondering how something now can be looked at as such disrespect. Are affairs disrespectful? Im ny opinion, not only are they disrespectful, but they do hurt. They hurt deep, right to your most inner core.

I'm curious,, as i'm wondering if by chance there's any part of you, that can accept any responsibility of any affairs, pertaining to your husbands. I'm not referring to his decision to allow such selfish behavior. But what part "if any" responsibility can you, or do you accept? I'm not saying its your fault, i'm only curious where your thoughts are with this subject. Do you understand?

I too believe in standing by my stbxw, and recovering our marriage. I do have an "Open Heart Policy." Maybe mine to is my own little fairytale fog. I as well loved my wife with all of my heart, and never had the desire, or the thought of cheating. Never. Although i was accused of it a few times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Today I can see how delusional that thinking was. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure if i'm understanding this, sorry. ?? Dilusional thinking about rebuilding your marriage??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If someone loves you, they don't have a desire for someone else. So I see that he couldn't have loved me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree! Although i also can disagree. If sexual fulfillment is ones top emotional need, then unfortunately, infidelity can and will continue to happen, until couples are better educated regards to relationships, Before! they are to be married.
We could take one of our school subjects, remove it and replace it with Marriage Inventory classes!

Yes maybe you should have this,or should have that,, but you choose to do it the way you did.
Did you believe that you were doing this for a reason? Maybe its a fact you should have kicked him out long before,,, maybe that would have helped, maybe it wouldn't have. Maybe you could have or should have, grabbed him by his ears, or maybe in an area that would "grab" his attention, and demand that he stop his selfish acts! Would that have helped the situation?
I'm wondering, are you being to hard on yourself.

SO whats the verdict? Angry, and bitter.

I still will share with you, "its never too late."


I'm still STANDING in Michigan!
www.rejoiceministries.org

Stephen,

I appreciate all you are saying. I guess it's hard for me to explain my feelings. I'm at a loss of words!

Thanks for your responses!

... Hope you don't mind me writing a few lines...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stephan:
I'm curious,, as i'm wondering if by chance there's any part of you, that can accept any responsibility of any affairs, pertaining to your husbands. I'm not referring to his decision to allow such selfish behavior. But what part "if any" responsibility can you, or do you accept?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H had reasons to cheat on me... I mean - I understand him... (And I take that responsibility, for the cause not for the doing though ...)

So did I! But I didn't choose that way of 'escape' from problems...

Somehow I don't think that people divorce because of affair... There are more causes, much deeper conflicts (of interests)...

And... for a marriage you need the two - the same for unhappiness together... no doubt... all of us contributed... but what was shown is how our beloved responded... which doesn't bring us to respect them love them, take care of them any more... wothless...

In the early years of dating/marriage, I spent a lot of time building my career. I didn't work late hours all the time, but I was always on the phone. I figured as long as I was home then he would be able to handle my love of my career.

We talked about this and things changed on my end, but not his.

isleepalone,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">, I spent a lot of time building my career. I didn't work late hours all the time, but I was always on the phone. I figured as long as I was home then he would be able to handle my love of my career.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I "felt" loke my W'd career waw more important to her, than our marriage. The only thing is, i still supported her,,,
Although i "felt" as such, i remember that feelings are neither right or wrong.

A few months ago, talking with my stbxw, pertaining to marriage re4covery, and such. We spoke of our children,,, i have custody. Anyhow, my W choose to stay learning her new job. Eventually i was accused of taking her children away from her.

I accept my responsibility of my marriage ending in divorce. I still find it hard to accept 100% of the responsibility, as i'am informed quite often.

Yeppers, ask my wife, she'll tell you, its all my fault.

About four years ago, i had asked my wife to join me for dinner, during her break. I had a romantic setting,,, she brought her wok in. Yes, her work won. I shared my concerns, how i was left bothered ny this. She refused to ever join me for dinner again.

"Its never to late."

I'm still STANDING in Michigan
www.rejoiceministries.org

Stephen,

Sorry I didn't respond sooner (been away to a conference). It's amazing to me the incredible ups and downs I have regarding my situation. I do feel bitterness at times, but mostly I'm at peace. As much as I wanted my M to work, in the end, ex was not going to change his ways. And that is ok with me, but I can not live with the sort of man he is. I know I can not change another person. I accept him for who he is as a person, but I do not accept that person as my spouse.

I do not plan on marrying again, but I will date. I enjoy my family and friends more these days and I appreciate all they are in my life.

Thanks!