I once heard here about marriage being like a bridge. Both sides must have a strong foundation to build a safe bridge. If one side crumbles and falls, it will all fall. One side of a bridge cannot save the bridge.


If you are divorced...

and you are here complaining, whining or despairing about the way your EX is treating you, you are holding on to a part of your life that is over.

You are trying to control what a person does who has NO allegiance to you. Even if you feel you must control them to keep them from hurting you, this person might as well be DEAD to you.

For all matters except parenting time, this person should not EXIST in your day to day life.

The ONLY importance to my life today that my EX holds is what happens during his parenting time. Even with that, I CANNOT CONTROL what he does or does not do with the kids. Unless they are in physical danger and I can prove it, he lives his life however he wants, and I pick up the pieces when the kids come back to me.

This is just my opinion. I am not living in your shoes. But I see so many people here on D/D board, hurting, wanting their old life back, when that life is over.

Mourn it, bury it, and move on.

Maybe you didn't burn that bridge, but there is no point in waiting for the ashes to turn back into planks.

Standing there, watching your EX over there on his/her side, is not helping you.

Trying to throw him/her a rope, when they are not interested in being on your side, is not helping you.

If you have children, you find a safe way of getting the kids across the divide and back. I put mine on the helicopter, tell them I love them, and let them go. I don't interrogate them when they come back. I ask a simple "How was your weekend?" and they offer whatever they feel like. Asking who they were with, where they went, what they did, is not helping you.

Your kids didn't build that bridge and they didn't burn it. Don't point at the people on the other side. A child sees himself literally as 1/2 mom, 1/2 dad. If dad is bad, child is 1/2 bad. How can I tell my child she is wonderful if I tell her that her dad is bad?

You need to teach your children how to build a good bridge, but don't do it by pointing at the ones that have fallen or burned... find strong bridges and discover together why they are enduring.

good analogy PB.....

I love it. Very good analogy. Works on many levels.

Excellent message.

Do you hear me applauding? I am sitting in the amen corner agreeing with you.

Sometimes, my friends or co-workers ask something about my children and their dad. I just shrug and say "I don't know".

Is his wife a good cook? Who cares. What do they do when they are there? I don't know.

The ones who have never been divorced with children who were back and forth between houses look at me like I'm strange or mentally deficient. And then I tell them, "I can't control it. That is not my life. That is his stuff." I'm still not sure they get it.

But, the more of that stuff I own, the more I have to deal with and the less well I can live my life.

Surrendering that which you can't control is liberating.

I wonder how large a group of Codependents Anonymous we could form with the members here?

The first of the twelve steps is that we admit to ourselves and to our Higher Power that we are powerless.

[b]Amen, Sister. You tell 'em!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!{/b]

Amen expb! Everyone moves at their own speed, and I do believe that everyone here has the potential of healing from their pain. I too have found some situations where I feel like my suggestions fall on deaf ears. If my feedback receives no acknowledgement and I find subsequent posts to be a rehash of more of the same, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to respond to that individual. It becomes painful for me to witness someone getting stuck and staying stuck.

I believe the time spent being stuck is directly proportional to the time spent focusing on the ex. Only when the focus shifts will the time being stuck come to an end. Yep. The bridge is out. Getting unstuck hinges on tending the ground underneath our own feet.

And time spent staring at a collapsed bridge takes time away from fording another creek.

The bridge is still OUT!!

(Whew. Just had to yell that.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A child sees himself literally as 1/2 mom, 1/2 dad. If dad is bad, child is 1/2 bad.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize you are quoting this from another source, but that is just about the stupidest thing I have ever read. I certainly never thought of myself as half my mother and half my father, and I never thought any of their failings had anything to do with me, and I know my kids don't think that my failings or those of their father have anything to do with them. That statement is just about as inane as the statement that I have read elsewhere that kids just want their parents to be "happy."

I my kids were in ANY kind of danger, whether physical or emotional, when they were with their father, of course I would want to know it. Do you not want to know what goes on with your child at school, as long as he's not in physical danger? - obviously you are concerned, as you should be, about his emotional as well as physical well-being at school as well as at home or any other place.

Yes, the bridge is out. But bridges can be rebuilt... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />